Jennifer - posted on 04/24/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )
I recently confided in my mother something I had been holding inside for a long time.
When I was 12 and 14 my stepdad was sexually inappropriate with me. He never raped me or anything but he was very weird with me. One example I can Remember and one of the few left because I have blocked it out for so long I don't remember it all anymore. He has come out of the shower and he had only a towel around his waist and he approached me and began tickling me to the point that I feel on my back and he got on top of me and continued to tickle me. I was saying no and to stop and attempted to get away. He eventually just left me alone and went back to his room but that was the worst feeling. I also remember he used to try to hold my hand for long periods of time and sometimes take my hand and put it on his lap. This would happen in the car when he would make me go with him someplace. He would always do this when we were alone.
I felt a great betrayal. And an immense hurt in my heart. And now Iam 26 years. I'm still living with this feeling. He never did it again outside of those ages I gave but the damage was done. Even now as an adult I get confused all the time because of what he did. I can be having fun with my family and him and all of a sudden I look at him and feel disgusted. I also have a three year old daughter and have never let her sleep over. Because of him I needed to tell my mother because i know I would want to know if it happened to my daughter and she is standing by me. I spoke to both of them in the room. The worst part is that my stepdad pretty much denied it in the worst way possible. He said that he was sorry if I took his behavior that way but that he never meant to hurt me. I guess I thought I was going to get closure from doing this but all I for was an stepfather who wount even apologize the right way A mother who is going to leave him. And me. Feeling guilty. And it makes me even more sad because the one thing victims feel is guilty when that is the one thing they shouldn't feel. Because it was not something we did. It was something then person did to them I'm looking for advice. Everything is going to change. My mother is leaving him. My children will probably see him less. Nothing will be how it was. I know what he did was wrong. He did something that has hurt me in my heart and is still hurting. I just feel responsible. How can I get away from this feeling ? If it's anything what I'm feeling is an indicator at just how fucked up he made me.