Discipline

Mama - posted on 03/03/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hi!

What is the best way to get a 12 year old boy to listen the first time when asked to do something? I keep taking stuff away, but it seems to be a negative cycle.

Thanks!

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Ethan - posted on 03/03/2014

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She doesn't know what she's talking about. The difference between 8 and 12 is drastic with mind frame. Twelve is almost teenaged. They're a different category. You can't expect them to follow through with such crap. You have to enforce behaviors. Try to do it Rebekah's way and what you'll have is a run away kid.

There is nothing extreme about putting a diaper on a child who doesn't physically need one. You do it once, and then you don't need to do It again. It was common, and it worked, 50 years ago. Nothing has changed except for the perception of those around you. But no one will know except your house hold. It's a means to an end. All you'll need is to give your kid "the look".

Rebekah - posted on 03/03/2014

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Ethan already seemed to have called himself out as a troll, so I don't have to.

Anyway, rather than doing extreme things to shame your child (as was suggested), keep going with consistent, realistic expectations for him and consequences of him not listening. I think that behavior can be somewhat normal, depending on the personality of the boy and the something he is being asked to do, but he needs to be guided to respond anyway. Do you know for sure if its defiant behavior versus disorganized or unfocused behavior behind it? I think if you can sense which it is, then the response is going to be different. If he's defiant and deliberately not cooperating, then punishment may be more appropriate. if he is prone to distraction, then another approach may make more sense.

There is the 123 Magic Technique (Thomas Phelan) where you essentially give them 1 directive to stop/start the behavior you are needing at the time. If they don't do the behavior you asked, you give the directive a second time. If you get to the third directive, then the consequence is applied. In this case, you want him to comply right away... so you could possibly give him one direction.... then if he doesn't respond in a reasonable time (let him know what that time frame is), if you have to remind him again, its 10 minutes off his screen time/phone time/bedtime or whatever is meaningful to him. If you have to redirect a third time, its another 10 minutes--or whatever consequence is reasonable. It could be that the things you are taking away don't mean much to him, so that is something to look at.

If you want to frame it as more "positive," you explain to him that you will be glad to allow him to have computer time (or whatever) as soon as he is done with his homework/chores. Or, you could have a set time by which he needs to have these things completed (for example, chores need to be done by dinnertime). If he gets it done, he earns his screen time (for example). if its an understood thing every day, then you shouldn't have to remind him. He will find out on his own that in order to earn the things he wants, he needs to complete his expected chores. Make sure expectations are clear...post them on the refrigerator so that there is no room for debate as far as what is expected and when. To get greater cooperation, you can sit him down and he can be part of the planning process.

I'm working on this same issue with my son... though he's 8, and his response really varies depending on the time of day and how tired he is (bedtime routine is difficult lately... stalling like crazy till he changes for bed, brushes teeth... so I think we need to start earlier. That may be incentive enough to get some cooperation). Incentives definitely help. I was hoping that as he matures it will get better, but seriously... i think till puberty hits, many of them are still struggling with focus, organization, and self-discipline. We have to give them the tools to get through that.

Ethan - posted on 03/03/2014

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Diaper punishment. Definitely. Just not in the form you'd read about online that's all crap. Just go to the store and buy a pack of Pampers Cruisers size 6 (or 7 if they have it) these will fit your kid just right, providing that he's not an absolute fatty. There won't be enough room to actually use the diapers for their intended purpose (and if you expected it in the first place than you'd be a terrible parent). But they will tape on, and have the mental effect that they need. Tell him the routine "if your going to act like a baby, than I will treat you like one". Keep him in that diaper for at least an hour, or send him to bed like that. You will notice an immediate change in behavior, and you'll keep diapers on hand. It's very likely that you'll only need to ask him just once in a while if he wants to keep acting like a baby? And maybe have to carry out a threat or two in a year. He won't go telling on you out of embarrassment, and you'll have a wonderful kid. Call me horrible, and whatever else you want, but this works, and there are numerous successful stories of this all over the web.

http://www.petticoated.com/

You could also try petticoat discipline. This might be more of your style, and definitely more effective. If he can't act like a good 12 year old boy, than you can dress him like a cute 6 year old girl. Rowdy boys or boys with ADHD will no longer be rowdy when they fear that someone else might see the pretty pink panties they're wearing under their boy clothes. Invest in a cute outfit or two that would be more suitable for a 5 year old girl. Don't forget the panties, socks, and some shoes. Diapers also work in this area.

Just don't let him actually be seen like this in public. It's nothing but a mere empty threat that will keep him mortified that his friends would actually see him like this. If you did decide to take him out in public wearing anything other than his normal boy clothes, it shouldn't be anything more than panties, or a diaper UNDER his normal clothes. Don't actually expose him to others because this could cause issues later in life.

But seriously. if you use one of these punishments, just once, you won't have to use it again. But I bet you would when you saw what a good boy he was being. Some parents have prolonged it - not inclusively as a form of punishment, but because it has formed into a mother/son thing. A special time. Your new baby, or daughter cuddles up with you during a movie, or you make cookies together, or just do something special.

Another thing is when boy's are allowed to go from briefs to boxers... they all become rebellious. It starts with the pants sagging. Now they're "cool". Then they mix with the wrong crowd. Then it's drugs, gangs, dropping out of school from there. Keep him in briefs. Some stores will sell some cartoonish briefs for boys up to size 12. Whether or not they're cartoon briefs, colored, or printed briefs will keep your kid in line longer than allowing them the transition to boxers - plus briefs help them to develop (down there) and should be worn until at least 14.

Call me a troll because everyone else who says stuff like this, usually is. But I raised a boy 7-15 (in home babysitter) and this stuff works. Mothers on here will say it's horrible, and to ignore it, but the least you can do is to research it.

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