Discipline

Kammie - posted on 10/02/2015 ( 11 moms have responded )

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Hi all! I'm a newbie so just introducing myself. I have two teens (boy, 16; girl, 15) and a soon-to-be (boy, 12), so I guess you could say I have my hands full. My husband passed away several years ago fighting in Afghanistan and, consequently, I'm now on my own raising these kids.

In spite of his military background, Randy was a pussycat when it came to the children so I guess -- by default -- actual discipline has always fallen on me. That being said, my husband had quite a loud voice and (when he was home) it was usually enough to keep the kids' backsides largely untouched. However, now, as a single parent of three in what I'm sure all of you can identify as the "rebellious stage," I've had to amp up the severity and frequency of corporal punishment.

Do I take some sadistic satisfaction in it? No. Am I a fetishist? No. (At least not in that arena. lol) But there are times when extreme misbehavior on the part of the kids will necessitate physical correction to the part of the body best suited to receive it.

There are a lot of legitimate arguments for and against spanking. I have employed (and still do) other forms of discipline. However, as a working mom whose job doesn't necessarily end when I leave the office, I've found grounding impossible to enforce and privilege revocation unsustainable. Spanking resolves the matter quickly, efficiently, and with no hard feelings. The kids don't care for it, but punishment is not supposed to be liked. Point is they accept it and there is plenty of motherly love available after the fact.

Is it wrong? Am I right? Who in the hell knows. They never sent me the manual. lol.

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Michelle - posted on 10/03/2015

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So your children have chosen to be assaulted over being grounded. Of course, that way the punishment is over quickly and they still get to have their social lives! ANY kid would prefer a spanking over not being able to see their friends.
Why can't you enforce grounding anyway? There are also other things apart from grounding. Take away electronics, unplug the internet when you go to work! There are so many other things instead of abuse.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/03/2015

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You assault your kids. That is not discipline, my dear, it is PHYSICAL ASSAULT and is punishable by law. Your kids are more than old enough for an ADULT form of communication. Using a hairbrush as a means of physical assault is unacceptable.

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Nichola - posted on 10/05/2015

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Don't get me wrong a smack never ever did me harm and my kids when that were tots may have had a rap on the bum. Teenagers are not going to respond to that. You need to hit the wear it hurts "excuse the pu". Teenage live for there social life and friends, cut it off there be sobbing like babies. Good smack will just give them something to slag you off about then to other parents which isn't gonna make you shine so bright!!! Good luck we all need it!!!

Jodi - posted on 10/03/2015

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"You believe hitting people, in general, is wrong."

Actually, hitting people in general IS wrong. The law says it is wrong. Moral values say it is wrong. There is nothing right about it, and people who think it is okay to commit physical violence against others are a big part of what is wrong with this world.

"But people hit people. People KILL people. I did not invent a society that profits from it."

Just because there are people who do it doesn't make it RIGHT.

"All I can do is prepare my kids for an imperfect world. "

LOL, so this is how you justify hitting them? "you know what kid, I have to prepare you for the real world, so I'm going to hit you so you can be prepared for when other people hit you and hate on you". I have no words......

I will go further with Shawnn's comment about adult conversation and more appropriate forms of discipline - adult conversation is how the real world generally works and how we fix real world problems, not violence to get our own way. We converse, we negotiate, we compromise. We don't resort to violence unless it is absolutely the last resort. If you REALLY want to teach your children about the real world, then wouldn't that be the better alternative?

If in your real world violence is the answer, and this is condoned, then perhaps you need to re-evaluate your world. Because in my world, that's just not the way things work, and it isn't the way it should work. In fact, in most people's reality, that's not how things work. Sure, there are people out there in this imperfect world that resort to violence as the answer....but they aren't the good people.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/03/2015

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I believe if you cannot use adult conversation and more age appropriate forms of discipline you are, in fact, engaging in lazy parenting. Physically assaulting another human with a weapon shows only that you can be an effective bully

Kammie - posted on 10/03/2015

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Well here we go again I guess. Am I Bill O'Reilly to your Bernie Sanders? I seriously hope it's the other way around.lol. Not that it does or should make any difference but let me make myself clear. And, as much as you might want to deny it, I'm making arguments for those I consider on the enemy team.

I believe spankings work. I know this because they do. You believe hitting people, in general, is wrong. If we lived in your world, I would totally agree with you. But people hit people. People KILL people. I did not invent a society that profits from it. All I can do is prepare my kids for an imperfect world.

I do, in all honesty, cherish your feedback. Thanks and Que dios este con usted.

Jodi - posted on 10/03/2015

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That's fine Kimmie. You can justify it all you like. It is still a form of assault. No matter how many ways you word it.

You can also dismiss my comments about spanking and prison all you like, but do your research.

"You seem to suggest I beat the hell out of my kids."

Actually, no, I haven't suggested that. I've suggested that hitting ANYONE is assault. If my husband raised a single hand to me (doesn't need to be a beating) that would be assault. If a random stranger raised a single hand to me, even a little bit, it is assault. Why should it be any different for the children we brought into this world? Assault isn't about "beating". Assault is any kind of physical attack.

"It's probably very difficult for someone cultured and/or educated with the Dr. Spock mindset"

LOL, I've never even read his crap. Whatever. It is common sense that hitting because you don't like something your child did teaches that hitting and physical violence is okay. If you can justify hitting a child, then they learn to justify it too. Our children take our example. Children don't need to be hit. We hit because it is easier than following through with other, more logical, consequences. You openly admit this. You are teaching your children nothing.

Kammie - posted on 10/03/2015

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Thank you for your well thought out reply. Believe it or not, I'm probably more on your side than you think. But I do have a few issues.

My kids are not scared of me. My eldest son has two inches and at least thirty pounds on me. He could kick my you know what if he wanted to. But he doesn't. Do you know why? Because he loves and respects me and he knows I love and respect him as well. It's probably very difficult for someone cultured and/or educated with the Dr. Spock mindset, but spanking does not foster the things you are claiming it does. You're suggesting there is a correlation between corporal punishment and prison. Well, okay, then I would say there is a correlation between race and prison. Or gender and prison.

You seem to suggest I beat the hell out of my kids. I do not. Frankly, at their ages, I think it's more of the embarrassment factor than any physical pain I could possibly inflict. Now, that's a completely different issue but I'll raise it anyway: Is "shame" a sensible way to correct children? I don't know. You've seen the YouTube videos. You've seen the punishment signs. You know what I'm talking about. I think it's over the top, but you think what I do is over the top as well.

You asked why I posted. This is it. Because, like many of us, I struggle through parenting the best I can. I'm always open to new (and hopefully better) ideas. We had a family meeting a while back. I brought up the spanking vs. grounding issue. Guess what? Unanimous for spanking. (And this with their undeniable knowledge that I could not enforce grounding in the first place!)

So I don't know what else to tell you. If I had 24 hours a day to devote to endless lectures I might do that. But I don't so, in lieu of that, I don't think a sore behind and a slightly bruised ego is going to turn one of my kids into a serial killer.

However, once again, I thank you for your thoughtful response.

Jodi - posted on 10/03/2015

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"If I'm such a terrible parent then why do all of my kids get straight A's in school? Why -- after a recent car accident -- did they wait on me hand and foot, and tend to my every possible need? Why -- after one of my so-called "assaults" on them -- do they embrace me warmly and express their undying love? In spite of my "lazy" parenting, I suppose."

Because they were scared of you? Stockholm syndrome? I work with teens, and I assure you that if you resort to spanking as your main form of discipline (or any at all), they are not okay with it. BTW, I didn't call you a terrible parent. I didn't even call you a lazy parent. I said it was lazy parenting, and using the fact that you work and don't have time is a cop out. I'm sure we've all resorted to lazy parenting strategies sometimes. But you are the one who said you work and you don't have time to enforce other methods. So yes, lazy parenting. Make the time. I actually DO understand what it is like to be a single parent and have a crazy ass job that doesn't end even on weekends and holidays. Make the time to follow through with consequences rather than hitting your kids because it is the easy "out".

And grades at school have little to do with whether you spank or not. So I'm not quite sure how your children's A grades are relevant. I have students who are A grade who aren't spanked. Whatever.

"Unfortunately, we lock people up and throw away the key in my shithole of a country."

And have you studied the statistics around the majority of people who are locked up? They were spanked or abused as children. As I said, in many countries, spanking a teen would also be considered abuse, and you would be prosecuted for it.

"I'll retire my disciplinary implement to the Hairbrush Hall of Fame."

And using an implement is also considered child abuse in many places. That's not spanking, that's assault. Where I live, you would have been arrested.
Would you accept anyone hitting you? No? So why would you hit a child?

Definition of bully: use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force them to do something. Bullying is repeated verbal, physical, social or psychological behaviour that is harmful and involves the misuse of power by an individual or group towards one or more persons.

Sound familiar? I don't care how you justify it. You are bullying children smaller than you, with less authority that you, with physical violence to do what you want in order to control them. There are much more effective ways for you to communicate with your children. Teens, especially, are more than capable of having a conversation and reasoning with you if you make the effort to do so. You would be surprised how a logical consequence (and no, spanking is not logical consequence to anything because in real life, you would go to jail for hitting someone when you are not happy with what they do) makes sense to a young adult.

If your children decide that you spanking them is unreasonable, they could potentially have you prosecuted (and at 15 and 16, believe me, this could happen - I know I would have at that age) and they would be likely to succeed.

Can I ask why you posted? I'm still not certain of what your point is.

Kammie - posted on 10/03/2015

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If I'm such a terrible parent then why do all of my kids get straight A's in school? Why -- after a recent car accident -- did they wait on me hand and foot, and tend to my every possible need? Why -- after one of my so-called "assaults" on them -- do they embrace me warmly and express their undying love? In spite of my "lazy" parenting, I suppose.

I'm not advocating spanking as the be all, end all form of discipline for kids. Whatever works for yours is fine by me. The purpose of my post was not a cookie, but merely constructive dialogue. We can agree to disagree and I'm totally okay with that. But let's not confuse sensible, measured corporal correction with abuse. Unfortunately, we lock people up and throw away the key in my shithole of a country. If a temporarily sore backside can, in any way, prevent that from happening to my children then, one day, I'll retire my disciplinary implement to the Hairbrush Hall of Fame. Sponsored by the good folks at Fuller. lol

Jodi - posted on 10/02/2015

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Really? You hit your teenage children? The "part of the body best suited to it"? Honestly, you are violating their bodies. Yes, it is assault. If you can't enforce grounding and revocation of privileges, then you are using assault as a lazy form of parenting. I, too, have a job, and a demanding one, and I'm sorry, but you have no right to use your job as an excuse for lazy parenting.

I am curious as to the purpose of your post. Was it to get a pat on the back? A medal? A cookie? It's not like you have a question. Was it to receive validation to assist in justifying spanking teenage children (which in many places would be illegal, by the way).

You say they accept it....they TELL you they accept it. I assure you, they don't ACTUALLY accept it. They put up with it.

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