Discipline or did I mess up?

Heartbroken - posted on 02/03/2016 ( 16 moms have responded )

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The other morning my son and his dad got into their morning argument. My husband asked my son to either throw the trash or wash the dishes. My son told him...Ok it can be done in a minute" , of course my husband got angry and repeatedly asked or son to get up from sitting at the table and do something! My son kept disrespectfully answering. It got to the point where my son was kicked out of the house (not permanently) in hopes he'd learn a lesson by my husband. I feel as if in in the middle and as if I messed up as a mother for not stopping it from going that far. I've been crying when I'm alone cause I don't want anyone to see my weakness. I feel extremely guilty and heartbroken. Please help.

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Jodi - posted on 02/05/2016

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Your question was Discipline or did I mess up? So I'm not sure why you are surprised when people indicated that maybe you did mess up. I certainly can't see anyone nit picking or attacking.

However, I'm kind of thinking that your husband messed up more than anyone. A question over trash or dishes and throwing out of home seems to be a major over-reaction to me. After all, it's not like your son refused to do it. He just indicated he would do it in a moment. I do that too. In this case, I can't see how the consequence fit the crime. This could have been resolved with a calm discussion rather than getting angry (and I'd guess, yelling happened). Was that your fault for not stopping it? No, your husband acted inappropriately too.

Having said that, however, I agree that at 18, you should have a contract with your son outlining the expectations of him living under your roof. Have a discussion around rights and responsibilities. In my experience, young adults are REALLY good at understanding their rights, but they seem a bit vague around the responsibilities that come with that.

Raye - posted on 02/03/2016

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If the son is 18, there needs to be a contract of what is expected of him to remain living in the house. If he can't uphold his part of the bargain, then he needs to be given notice to find a new place to live.

Legally he is an adult, and you should consider that when creating stipulations for his residency. But he still needs to pay for his room and board, whether that is by paying rent or doing chores, and he needs to treat others in the house with respect.

Dove - posted on 02/03/2016

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Where does it say he's 18?

If he IS 18... he needs to sign a contract of acceptable behaviors to living in the home and abide by them or find alternate living arrangements.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/05/2016

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No one nitpicked, nor attacked you, "heartbroken"...You posted multiple times, and different info. I Simply gave the info that was omitted on this one, so that all would understand you aren’t speaking of a little kid, here, but an adult who needs to act like one (or two, as the case may be)

You asked: “did I mess up”. Well, you’re getting the answers/opinions on that. Who’s getting pissy?

Michelle - posted on 02/03/2016

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Maybe it's time for your son to move out and learn to do it on his own.

I have also read all the comments and you weren't attacked. When you post on an international forum you are asking people to comment on what you have written. They WILL point out what you could have done better, that's all part of giving advice.

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Amaze - posted on 02/04/2016

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Your son is 18, and if wants to continue living with you, it will be best to set certain rules for him. Here’s some information that might give you some ideas to better handle this situation: http://bit.ly/20Kvmcd. Praying for your family!

Dove - posted on 02/03/2016

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You weren't attacked by any stretch of the imagination... and sorry, but it gets frustrating when a person makes multiple (sometimes as many as 6) posts of the exact same thing... It just makes it harder to keep track and for people to give actual, real advice. It's such a constant issue that there is even a pinned post on the top of the page about it....

And I wasn't even talking to you. I was talking to Shawnn... ;)

Heartbroken - posted on 02/03/2016

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Thank you Raye Ramsey I appreciate you not attacking and giving a sound opinion. I don't have anyone to talk to and genuinely appreciate this site.

Heartbroken - posted on 02/03/2016

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Oh please ladies this is a place where us as mothers help each other not nit pick on my making a simple mistake. Please realize yes you do have a computer you're using but you're actually interacting with a person.

Dove - posted on 02/03/2016

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I can not express just how thoroughly I hate it when people do that....

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/03/2016

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He IS 18, and he DOES have the right to be treated as an adult, but...\

In that case, your son needs to man up. Instead of being an ass, repeatedly, he should have taken care of the business at hand.



On the other hand, why is he even allowed to respond disrespectfully? He's been being raised for 18 years...and in my house, if a parent requests, the kid DOES. Even my 18 YO. ESPECIALLY the 18 YO, actually, because his being allowed to remain in my home as an adult is a PRIVILEGE not a right.

Heartbroken - posted on 02/03/2016

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I brought my son back inside after about 20 minutes, but I'm angry with myself for not doing more.

Heartbroken - posted on 02/03/2016

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The thing I should've posted was that we've done all that...taking away privileges, computer, phone, etc. We have talks very often with him. My son seems to think and behave as if he's on the same level as us the parents , adult level and I've explained to him over and over that he's not. He has everyday chores and gives major attitude when anyone asks him to get to them, basically he does them when and if he wants to. Which brought us to desperation because I don't want him to have difficulty in forming healthy relationships as an adult.

Carmelita - posted on 02/03/2016

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My oppinion is that instead of kicking him out that he should have maybe given him at least a warning that if he didn't do what he was told than there were going to be consequenses. for instance. take his phone,computer after school friend time. Or that he has to do dishes everyday for a week for not doing what he was told and being direspectful. Sit down with husband make a discipline plan for when this type of thing happens.Be on the same page together. I've learned that getting mad at the kids is not the answer. there is a justified anger but just follow through with consequences and this will put the kid in gear. I hope this helps.

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