Disciplining a defiant 4 year old boy.

Chassidy - posted on 11/26/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I guess I can start with My sister and I well i guess you could say lax on discipline. Thats not to say we dont try. For the most we have pretty well behaved and well mannered children. And then theres Cayden who is my sister's youngest child and most defiant as well. While he is sweet and loving and says please and thank you most of the time, And would do anything in the world you asked him to, as long as it doesnt involve him not getting his way. He thinks he can do whatever, whenever, however he wants. No discipline phases him. Now you might think i am overexaggerating, but i assure you i am not. For intense, some of the things he gets in trouble for are screaming at the top of his lungs ( im not talking about crying either, think about the longest most blood boiling scream you have ever heard and thats what he does) for no good reason like his brother or sister said or did something he doesnt approve of. He will get things like corner time or he cant play outside things like that. And when enough is enough he does get a spanking. now when you do spank him or when you are talking to him in a stern voice he will just look at you and smile and laugh. When he gets spanked he will look at you straight in the face and say "that didnt hurt" and then laugh. And if you spank him again for being smart he will say "I was just saying it didnt hurt" and then say the second time he got spanked it didnt hurt either. He was the baby for four years and then my daughter and I moved here and she is 9 months old so he is no longer the baby. So yes there is jealousy. Now you could say he is acting this way because he wants the attention that he once had. But i assure you this behavior isnt anything new. My sister is at her wits end and would like suggestion on different discipline methods. And please dont say consistency because we know that. We appreciate the advice.



Additional info:

He has a 8 year old brother and 7 year old sister. The father is in the house although you might as well say my sister is a single mom. Cayden is mamas baby and on rare occasion is not in the same room with her.

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JuLeah - posted on 11/27/2010

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It sounds like something else is going on here. I'd not yell and spank this kid. I think you will make matters worse and it is clearly not working.

I mean, think about it. If you are walking the road of 'discipline = punishment' 'you will obey - I will break you'

How far are you willing to go? You spank him and he says, "That didn't hurt"

So you spank him again.

Your goal was to hurt him? It didn't work, so again, how far are you willing to go?

I think if you look a distance down this road you will see it is not one you want to walk.

And, I get back to .... it really sounds like there is something else going on. I know kids who do that 'scream' you mention. It sends me up the wall. It is the worst noise and upsets the entire household.



Kids I have know with the behaviors you mention often ended up being the scapegoat in the family, they often ended up being abused and blamed for everything, they often ended up being disliked ..... they didn't have an aunt who saw a pattren and a problem and sought help :)

But, my point is, this can get worse as he grows.



I might bring in a professional if I were you.



or try the above mentioned book - it works

Kimberly - posted on 11/26/2010

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I have an almost 5 yr old little girl and I have had a problem with her (esp. when she started pre-k)...I actually found a book (Discipline without shouting or spanking) that I found at our local Dollar Tree...Since I'm not typically a reader of anything but parents mags. I was skeptical but went ahead and bought it since it was only a dollar...Upon reading it, it had many familiar instances in it (interrupting adults, not listening, talking back, etc.)...Whatever you do, u have to stay firm on your discipline technique...They typically say to use time-out method (1 min. for every yr. of age) and if they dnt sit in the designated area keep puttin them there and reset the timer til they've sat there the whole amount of time...It also says not to show that your angry because kids react to that and use it against you...This book gave not only the reasons for the kind of behavior, but it gave a way to discipline AND prevent it from happening again which has been awesome!!! I kid you not, after following the book she has started doing what was expected with no problems...(you can find it online for $9 at www.meadowbrookpress.com of course its a bigger version of the one I have)...It's completely worth it!!! Sometimes, its not so simple but as long as your determined to help him then it will work out...I have faith in ya...Good Luck!!!

Laura - posted on 11/27/2010

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This is a tough situation with his behavior. I agree that there are other issues here that are not being addressed--jealousy could be one of them. He also seems to be using negative behaviors in order to get attention, and was probably doing this for the same reasons BEFORE you moved in. The fact that he is goading adults into spanking him additional times is a "red flag" behavior that probably needs professional guidance in dealing with it.

I suggest talking to his doctor or pediatrician for a referal to a behavioral specialist/psychiatrist. They can do an evaluation of his behavior and will be able to teach him appropriate ways of expressing himself. A behavioral specialist will aslo be able to give the adults guidance in disciplining methods that may be more effect with him. Hope this helps a bit and good luck ato everyone!

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yeah, the best thing to do is develop a routine, and stick with it. so if it's a time out, put him in the time out chair, and keep resetting the time until he stays for the full length. then, get down to eye level with him, explain why you put him there. make him apologize, then hug him. if you are always yelling, and punishing, without showing affection, it does turn them into the scapegoat, and makes them more likely to act out. if they are getting roudy, but still manageable, give them a warning first. but you have to keep up with it. if it means putting them back into the time out chair 100 times, you have to do it. they will get the point very quickly that you are not playing. watch supernanny. i got all of this from that show, and it really works! good luck!

MADONNA - posted on 11/30/2010

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Yes, my daughter is four and it seems like as the days go by she is getting better as far as her behavior, but she still talks back, listenes when she wants to, and has a tantrum if she cant get her way and I just dont like to have to discipline her every time I prefer to talk it out first, second, third.....lol nah but serious as a parent you know when enough is enough; everyone has their own boiling points. Nice to meet you.

Zela - posted on 11/28/2010

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I think when we, as parents, deal with our kids, the first rule is do not punish out of anger. If you spank, use calm voice to explain why spank and do it in a calmly fashion. If no spank, do the punishment in the same calmly fashion. Let me tell you it IS VERY HARD for the parents. But I found it is the most effective way to tell the kid I just don't like what he did but i like him. And be consistent. Sometimes when the kid is being sweet, all of a sudden he spits or does something it's against the rules I set before, I hesitate to punish him. I want to keep the sweet time going on. -- BIG mistake, huge mistake. Rule is rule. The parents follow it, the kids will. Don't make the same mistake as I did.

EMMA - posted on 11/28/2010

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i totally agree with you madonna my 4yr old daughter plays me and her dad off one another and she knows how far to push her dad but she also knows that she can push and push with me and i won't discipline her as much as her dad will he'll smack her and take things off mainly her fave toys or even brake them if she brakes something in the house but im like my mum was with me a door mat but lately ive been alot more stricter with her ive put my foot down thats what you need to do chassidy put your foot down

MADONNA - posted on 11/28/2010

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I think he just knows how far he can take his bad behavior. He's probably got it in his head that thier will be more lighter consequences before it get's to the nitty and gritty, and sometimes it probably wont get to the level of spanking and he will get away with being bad.

EMMA - posted on 11/28/2010

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i disagree there with psychiatrist it doesnt work i was sent to one when i was 11 because when my dad left for someone else i started to develop a temper my 4yr old is the same but me and her dad r 2geva he's 4 yrs old how can you send a 4yr old to a psychiastrist he doesnt understand what that is how can he explain how he feels i think its just his age or as you said laura it's probaly the only way he thinks he can get attention by being naughty try ignoring him when he throws a tantrum thats what we do or as i said b4 take a fave toy away everytime he misbehaves!

EMMA - posted on 11/27/2010

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i totally know how she feels chassidy my 4yr old daughter is exactly the same we've tried everything the only thing that seems to do anything is taking her tv out of her room, the only thing i can suggest is try taking his favourite toy off him and everytime he's defiant take another toy off him put them in a box do u watch supernanny sounds daft but sum of her ways of dicipline works ave a go and good luck!

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