Discussion -Mom Having No Custody -Bad Mom or Not?

Hollie - posted on 12/13/2011 ( 28 moms have responded )

9,454

15

64

So if a Mom doesn't have custody and has 50/50 joint custody and the child lives with their dad is SHE bad BAD mom? Read this in another community and quite frankly I disagree, my very own cousin (female) doesnt have her 2 kids living with her only because she had NO JOB when her husband decided to leave up and leave, she tried to get the my 2 nephews but police said its 50/50 custody in a marriage (the kids are jointly owned) she has to wait to divorce court. whoever filed etc...My cousin doesn't Smoke pot (do drugs) not an alcoholic etc...she does her parenting time and keeps down a job (now) and pays support. We used to be room mates while going through all of this I wasn't in a predictament to financially take on the kids sadly, but did what i could. So others said that is BAD mom and a mom who doesnt have custody is frowned upon in bad lighting, what do u think?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jill - posted on 12/15/2011

3

19

0

Why does nobody ever wonder if the male no-custodial parent is a bad Dad? Face it: some people were not cut out to be parents! Just because you grew the kid, why does that make you more qualified to raise it? Sometimes the best way to be a "Good Mom" is to make sure your child is in the best situation for the child, not care about what other people think about you! Ideally, that means only creating children with people you can stay with, but if that is not the situation you have created, grow up and put the kids first!

Jodi - posted on 12/13/2011

3,562

36

3907

Just as there are some fathers out there who don't have any visitation, or would never get custody because they are bad parents, there are also some mothers who are bad ones. But there are also lots of GREAT dads out there who don't have custody, just as there are mothers.

I think there is a general assumption that mothers absolutely MUST have their children and only a bad mother would lose them. But it isn't that straightforward. Not only does it sometimes depend on who has the staus quo, but sadly, money/finances does come into it. Also, sometimes, it really IS in the best interest of the child to reside permanently with a father, perhaps due to the work hours of the parents, the access to the schools, or even the child's choice.

I think it is one of those things that can be the result of so many different circumstances, it isn't sufficiently black and white to make a judgement on the situation and it would be wrong to do so.

Melissa - posted on 12/16/2011

27

12

1

If everyone involved simply did what's best for the kids, then it should reflect well on EVERYONE involved. I'd think that a mom who hated it but knew her kids should be with their dad deserves a lot more respect. Dad's have been fighting for years to be viewed equally in custody disputes. That's part of what the busybodies are looking at.

[deleted account]

I think it's great when it can work out to 50/50 custody. That doesn't make a bad mom... that makes GOOD co-parents.

A bad mom (or dad) is one who up and bails on their kids, barely calling or visiting (if ever), refusing to help support the kids, etc... Having dad as an equal (and sometimes more than equal) co-parent does NOT make a bad mom, but a good dad and mom. :)

Jolene - posted on 12/15/2011

27

18

0

So I am confused. If there is 50/50 how does she not have custody? She does, she has joint custody and the kids live equally with both parents. Unless there is TRUE abuse or neglect I am a firm believer that both parents should automatically have 50/50 unless one parents wants less. Kids are not possessions and should be free to love and be raised by the two people who brought them in this world. So unless there is more to the story I am not getting this as this is the ideal split. Also there are times when the dad may have more custody and the does not automatically make the mom bad. It just may be in the best interest of the kid(s) for it to be that way.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

28 Comments

View replies by

Angie - posted on 09/07/2012

1

13

0

This same thing happened to me. Every day that goes by is a challenge to get throuugh without having daily supervision of my children. It was the hardest decision I am ever going to have to make, and even though I know this loss is for the best of my children it never gets any easier. Mothers that have to give up custody of their children in their best interests do it because they have no other choice. There was not anyone there to help me, and I was scared that we would be homeless. While their fathers have stable jobs and will take good care of their children. I cry every day thinking about the life my children and I could have had and to shame mothers that do this by saying they aren't good mothers is unjustifiable and just plain wrong. I hope that my children know how much I love them and I see them every other weekend. I pay child support and hope the best for them. That is all I can do right now.

Ashlee - posted on 07/14/2012

24

25

1

I have so much respect for mothers who will do what's best for their children. I'm sure its extremely difficult not having your child all the time, but that's a great sacrifice for their well-being. Any mother who can do that is a great mother. I pray they have strength to better themselves and get to be with their children more. My husband has sole custody of my stepson and I wish his BM would realize this.

Destiny - posted on 03/30/2012

1

0

0

Being a wonderful parent has no bearing on the custody arrangement that is in place (especially if put there by the Courts) and having or not having custody should have no bearing on whether people view you as a good or bad parent. Unfortunately, the general population is quick to make judgement, addicted to rumors, gossip and scandal, and are usually less than concerned with the feelings of those not closely connected to them. Any parent that genuinely loves their child, does all they can to be as active in their child's lives, and puts the child's needs, emotions, and happiness before their own is a good parent whether they see their child 50%, 90%, or only 2% of the time. I have lived for nothing but my children since the day my oldest daughter was born. I couldn't have been more blessed than to have my 2 younger children from a new relationship, my children were one another's best friends, then The relationship ended and I raised my 3 children on my own for the next 3 years. Started dating in the last of those years, Feb last year, after dating for 18 months, he proposed. You wouldn't believe the thing both of my exes joined forces to do and somehow succeeded in taking my babies away from me. They now have my children and I am lucky to have 1% visitation time with my children. Supervised. But its been a year now, I fight, I call every day, I do everything i can to remind them how important they are, but my heart breaks and I almost die when Tristan and Madison ask me if Samantha doesn't love them anymore, or When Samantha cries uncontrollably because her baby sister has started talking so well and is growing up without her, or she is missing her brother going to kindergarten and she needs him home to protect her and stop anyone from being mean to her. Why? Because Samantha is here in CA and Tristan and Madison are in WA. When do they talk to each other? When I am able to get through to both men's phones at the same time and initiate a 3 way call. Bad Parent.... Not the one who had her entire life crumble with the loss of her children, but the ones who emotionally traumatized a 4, 5, and 6 year old that went from sleeping in the same bed one night, to asking mommy if they loved each other anymore the next. All because I got engaged? Good parents are any parent that is loving and cares more about the kids than themselves.

Audrey - posted on 01/01/2012

2

17

0

Yes, its bad. That's why so many children are wild. Joint Custody is a joke.If two people could get along well and make disscusions together, they would not be divorced in the first place. Mothers should be more protective of their children. I don't own mine, but they belong to me just the same. Mothers have forgotten their role. Being a mother is stressful but otts our job. Unless the mother is unfit. If a man wants to create a child he should pay for that child and its mother if he decides he wants to leave.

Catherine - posted on 01/01/2012

2

23

0

Well I disagree with The Police here nobody 'owns' any child! As long as she values and makes the very most of her parenting time, I'd think she is a good mum making the most and doing the best she can of a very traumatic time in her and the kids lives! She keeps doing that I'm sure she will do great. She is also lucky to have you Hollie! No matter how tough divorce custody proceedings get just remind her that the otherside might sink to using her boys as weapons and thats a trap she can't walk into. I've seen what happens to kids who are 'used' by the two adults that are supposed to protect them and love them the most. As long as they get that both mum and dad still love them above all else and that mum and dad just can't get along is not and never was their fault. Then the kids will adjust and both mum and dad have to protect them from watching the two adults they look upto the most in their lives, rip each other to bits in a court then both will still have a really GOOD Mum and Dad! Cath x

Lori - posted on 12/16/2011

103

21

1

My sister and I were raised by our Dad after our parents split. I don't remember ever living with my Mom. Of course depending on which parent you talk to the story of way it ended up this way is different. I like my Mom's version better, which is that she didn't want to put us through a long and drawn out custody battle. She was thinking of us and how it would effect us. My sister and I both did eventually change custody to our Mom when we were teens. We personally talked to the judge and told them our side and why we wanted to switch. We got it. I don't think that our Mom is bad by any means. Even now that we are both over 30 and have our own opinions of our Dad, our Mom still won't say a bad word about our father. She did what she could for us when she could and she loves us very much. That is what matters. Not having custody shouldn't make anyone a bad parent.

Vanessa - posted on 12/16/2011

3

43

0

At least in the state of Texas, joint custody is almost always given. One parent is the custodial parent while the other is not. The custodial parent has the right to say where the child lives while the other has visitation rights. Sometimes it is in the best interest of the child to live with one parent over the other. Most of the time this is the mother. Does this mean that the father is BAD? No, it is just what is assumed is in the best interest of the child. My granddaughter lives with her dad. Her mother has no way to care for her. This doesn't mean she is a bad mom. What does make her a bad mom is the fact that she has made no attempt to see her since October a year ago, nor has she called her since July. She also has another daughter she hasn't seen in over 2 years. Actually, she isn't a bad mom just an unfit one. I think every situation is different and no one should be judged on the living situation or custody arrangements.

Alfreda - posted on 12/16/2011

33

2

0

I think as long as both parents work together to co-parent the child, it doesn't matter who has the kids when. As long as the parents can get along for the child's sake, even if that means meeting on neutral ground and just not bad mouthing the other parent to your child you are ahead of the game. If she loves her kids and tries to do what is best for them, including putting their needs ahead of her own then she is a good Mom. I know a mother right now who is leaving her husband and fighting for custody of her kids. The husband doesn't really want the kids, can't possibly look after them full time as he works all the time, but is fighting for them anyway just to win a battle or have control over them. Now that is a selfish Dad. If the roles were reversed I would also say it was a selfish mother. Every situation is different. The laws also don't always make sense.

Audrey - posted on 12/15/2011

2

17

0

I think that she should want custody of her children. Did she just sign the papers, or did she fight to have them living with her? I think their is a lot more to this story. I thought kids went with the mother and dads left paying alamony and child support if mother doesn't have a job.

Rachel - posted on 12/15/2011

3

17

0

my opinion is that she really sounds like a good mom and unfortanatly are laws suck sometimes and to me the dad should realize that they need there mother i wish her luck and hope she gets her children because alot of times us adults dont realize that it is the children who get hurt some advice to mom i do not no you but you will be in my prayers as well as your children that you get your children with you. because you sound like a great mother and thumbs up to you because i am a single mother and struggle and i try my best to get along with dad for my daughter because she is not to blame. So i wish you luck and i think you sound like a good mom.

Pamela - posted on 12/15/2011

711

9

6

First of all 50/50 means that BOTH parents have EQUAL custody. No, that does NOT reflect on her ability to mother.

If there is no divorce then she should have the children 50% of the time as it is JOINT custody.

When I went through my last divorce we had joint custody and because we lived close enough the children spent 4 days/3 days alternately....meaning one week they were with me 3 days and him 4 days, the next week me 4 days and him 3 days.

We individually drove them to school when they were with each of us. The same for after-school and extra curricular activities.

If there is no divorce, why not? Legal Aid helps mothers who need divorces, are not living with or supported by their husbands. Have her contact them for divorce help.

Kristin - posted on 12/15/2011

82

24

1

No way! My parents split in the early 70s, and I went to live with my Dad and his new wife and daughter in the mid 70s. My Mum stopped fighting for custody because she felt I would have a better life with my Dad...he was working, she was not, I would be going into a family home as opposed to her and I in a caravan in her parent's back yard, but mostly because she could see that the constant uncertainty was changing me from a happy outgoing child into a sad withdrawn child. So she did what she felt was best for me, and let Dad have custody of me. I admire her for that, and I thatnk her for putting my needs ahead of her own. She is the best Mum in the world, even though she ended up with no custody.

Iridescent - posted on 12/15/2011

4,519

272

1080

Not at all. Sometimes, it makes them a better mom than those with the kids full time. They aren't using them against the other parent, they're trying to be fair.



In our case, we have full custody of my husband's children. The mother is not involved. She IS a bad mom, but it has everything to do with her behavior and nothing to do with us having custody.

Alexina - posted on 12/15/2011

1

0

0

I only have my daughter on the weekends. I'm a good mom, and anyone to say otherwise has no clue what I've gone through. I won't tell my whole story..since it's really long. My daughter lives with her father during the week..in the town she was raised in. I live in a different town. I have tried to get custody of her through the court system. But they didn't want to hear about my ex's emotional blackmail, or how he cares more about his new wife and her 3 brats than his own daughter. I didn't prove that she wasn't safe..so I didn't get her. Unfortunately..right now I'm disabled. While I'm waiting to get social security..I have lost my apartment because I can't afford it. Financially..I can't afford to take care of her right now if she were to live with me. I hate her dad with a passion..but she never hears that. He talks bad about me all the time..but I never do that in front of her. I prefer she grow up to form her own opinion of him. After all..he is her dad. I'm constantly belittled by him..and was recently told that he is a better parent than I could ever dream of being. My daughter talks to me. Tells me her problems and how she is feeling. So although I'm not the most perfect person in the world..anyone to say that I'm a bad mom because I don't have full custody of my daughter can shove it.

Joanne - posted on 12/15/2011

26

3

1

I have joint custody of my child becasue me and her dad separated. Just becase a mom doesn't have sole custody of her kids it doesn't mean she's a bad mom. My ex wanted to work out joint custody becasue he doesn't want to be a 'week-end' dad. So we co-parent and try hard to be friends for our girl. He's a great dad and I don't think I'm a bad mom. Our girl is happy and healthy and loves us both.

Atty - posted on 12/15/2011

23

19

4

I think that there are 4 main kinds of moms.
The moms who love their kids and have them (good mom), the ones who are indifferent to their kids and have them (Bad mom), the ones who love their kids and don't have them but are trying to get to the place where they can (good mom), and the ones who don't have their kids and are fine with that (also a good mom). Some people should not be parents for those people not having their kids is a good thing.
Some people have situations that prevent them from having their kids with them. As long as they are working on it, in the best interests of the child/children, they are good moms.
Well that's my 2 cents anyway.

Tania - posted on 12/15/2011

12

21

0

I believe they are definitely looked at in a bad light - like what did you do to loose your kids, but I work in a law firm and the reality is that majority of the courts will enforce joint custody regardless unless you can prove the other parent is a really bad person. The judgment is made based on this is the current trend.

Tanya - posted on 12/15/2011

4

39

0

I raised my daughter pretty much alone until this august when her dad's new girlfriend dragged her out of my car and locked her in her shop. The police wouldn't do anything as I had sole custody which made it a federal police matter. The first court date that I could get to have a recovery order hearing was over a month later and during that month and even at court they were telling her what to say to the court to keep her with them, stating that I had been abusing her for the past 13 yrs even though there is no proof as I have done no such thing. It is now December and I haven't seen or heard from her and the court decided that I should only get 2 hrs a week supervised visitation at a centre for $175 a visit. I have 2 other daughters and that is just not an expense I can afford. Funny how I had sole custody for 13 yrs, encouraged contact and just because he states that I have been abusive without any proof he was granted custody by the court in september. Back to court next tuesday but as it stands, I have no rights all of a sudden to my own child or her sisters to have a relationship with her. So much for having to prove someone to be unfit, apparently all you need to do is allege it these days. So does that make me a bad mother???? I don't think so, I consider her father to be unfit for the things he has done and had his girlfriend of 2 months at the time do to illegally gain custody of my daughter and split up my 3 daughters without a care of how it has affected any of them especially my 4 yr old who now thinks her sister is dead.

April - posted on 12/15/2011

2

1

0

I am a mother who has there son 50% of the time. I certainly don't believe that I am a bad mother because of it. When his father and I split, we decided that it would be best if he spent equal amounts of time with each of us and it works out great. Just beacuse his dad and I aren't together, doesn't mean his dad should see him less. He is his father and has never given showed any reason that he should not be able to spend as much time as I do with him.

Jenni - posted on 12/14/2011

5,928

34

393

I think it's awesome when the parents can manage to do this. I don't think it has anything to do with one person being a 'bad' parent. I'm pretty sure most judges/parents would want to arrange for this situation because it's in the best interest of the child to have equal access to both parents. But a lot of times it just isn't plausible because of the children's school schedule(s) and parent's work schedule(s).

Megan - posted on 12/13/2011

13,092

16

113

No, I dont think that would be considered a bad mom! People question all the time when they hear a mom doesnt have custody, there is always 2 sides of each situation as to why that is.

Medic - posted on 12/13/2011

3,922

19

552

I think that people are just closed minded. No I do not think it makes her a bad mom. One of my dearest friends just let her ex take their 4 year old even though it breaks her heart it is the best thing RIGHT NOW for her daughter. He has a good stable job, works regular hours, and can give her a calm, stable, normal life. My friend and her ex basically just switched visitation and he is not asking her to pay support. He just wants her to get healthy and stable and be able to be the mom we know she can. Granted she is not on drugs or anything just very stressed out and lost her footing when she lost her amazing job. I think she is one hell of a mom to be able to admit not only to herself but to her ex that she needed help and right now he is the best person to have physical custody.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms