Brenda - posted on 01/12/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )




My sons are considered adults, but they both live with me.(employed) My main concern is that I want respect. I don't want to be cut short in conversations, I want chores done without having to ask. My husband says put them out because they are adults, but I know they will have difficulty making it. They are worse as adults than tghey ever were as boys, in terms of respect. Let them go no matter or continue to assist, or what can I do to get respect ? We are both sick.


Tina - posted on 01/12/2010




This is your home and you should expect the respect that you deserve. Do not let them mistreat you. If they can not abide by you and your husband's rules, then they should find a place of their own. You and your husband should agree on a course of action, set them down and let them know what is expected of them. If they can not do it, whether it is doing chores, helping to pay bills, respecting you and your husband, then they should have to move out.

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Lori - posted on 07/31/2011




Have a powwow. Rent or move. Save the rent they give you to help them later. It would be a nice down payment. They can help you help them or move along. Life is hard, but we made it. It wasn't that much easier then. If at all

Sandra - posted on 07/26/2011




i have a son who is 20 and is unemployed he gets jobseekers and pays for his credit card i have let him off paying housekeeping because he was struggling but things have settled down and have asked him to pay £20 a fortnight which he has refused he has hardly spoke to me for at least four days only when he needs something i have stopped doing anything for him his ironing tidying his room he has not been here for dinner it is upsetting me but he does not realise this or how much dont know what to do next

Julie - posted on 01/18/2010




After a good hearty meal let them know there are things you must all discuss and agree upon. You and your husband have a short list pre-made and stick to it.

Assign certain chores and let them know what you expect as far as their share of rent, etc.

Its best to let them experience 'real life' now than with a wife and child later on, right?

Give them a day to think about it or let them know they are free to move out at any time -

If they were allowed to disresepct you as teens it is hard to create change unless given options -

Be ready to stick to your guns! (out of love and concern for their future)

Colleen - posted on 01/13/2010




If it was me, I'd tell them to make a plan together and leave the nest and become MEN!! Often hardship is what makes people grow and appreciate the little things that life offers like love, respect and wonderful parents like you. I know you love them but how can you expect them to respect you when they don't respect themselves?
Why do you say you know they won't cope? Sometimes us moms especially, have to cut the apron strings and push our birds from the nest in order that they learn to fly on their own. It's a tough world out there I know but a certain amount of fear is very motivating. They will have one another so it probably won't be as bad as you think. They may 'hate' you for doing this horrid thing to them initially, but be strong and soon your MEN will return for a visit and pay you the utmost respect because you let them grow up!

Dawn - posted on 01/12/2010




You have done your duty as a mom... you got them to adulthood. There are kids out there everyday scratching out a living without living off of mom and dad. Just remember that only through adversity does true growth begin. Maybe the boys can find a cheap 2 bedroom somewhere and room together... I can bet you that once they get their own place they will learn to do chores if they want lady friends to come over!

Sarah - posted on 01/12/2010




Good point on the motivation Krista! I think that is spot on. If you truly feel like they are not capable of being successful on their own I think you need to consider why that is. Is it because they have some sort of inability, or just because they are irresponsible? I think learning the hard way (ie getting their own apartment and paying their own bills) would help them learn the best in the long run, but if you really feel like you are setting them up for disaster (and only you would know the circumstances and their capabilities) then you definitely need to set up some expectations and stick to them!!! They might be adults, but they are living in your home and need to follow your rules. They should be paying some sort of rent and helping with the bills, and maybe you could even charge a 'maid' fee if they do not clean up after themselves. That could give them the motivation they need to follow your expectations. Whatever you decide, stick to it. I think that is the most important thing. They need consistency in order to change behaviors. I think you should sit down with your husband, as Renee was saying, and go over your expectations with your sons as a family...and let them know the consequences of not following your expectations.

Carolee - posted on 01/12/2010




Let them know that if their behavior does not change within a certain ammount of time (nobody can change overnight) while showing significant improvement until that appointed time, they will have to find their own places to live. I would give them a month, and treat it sort of like an eviction. Type your conditions down on a piece of paper, and all of you sing it (you, your husband, and your boys). If they politely ask for your help finding another place, help them, but don't help them one bit if they don't act polite to you! Good luck, and I hope you get the respect you deserve soon!

Krista - posted on 01/12/2010




Think about it: what is their motivation to change their behaviour? Right now, they have absolutely no reason to want to change, because they have it so good. There's no reason for them to respect you, because they've been treating you with disrespect and they STILL get everything they want.

So, it's time to change the situation.

If they're both employed, there's no reason why they shouldn't be able to afford an apartment together. You can still have them over for meals a few times a week to help them out. But you should not have to put up with being disrespected in your own home by a couple of grown men who should know better. Tell them it's time for them to get their own place. You can even help them look, and help them out with their security deposit and first months' rent, if you want to give them a hand. But after that, they need to be on their own. Letting them behave that way isn't doing them any favours, because if they treat you like that, they'll treat a girlfriend or wife like that, which won't bode well for them ever being in a healthy, mature relationship.

Mary - posted on 01/12/2010




Your husband is right, Put them out and make them be responsible adults. as long as you are pampering them and making them feel comfortable in your house they will never be responsible adults and will not respect you. You are allowing them to disrespect you. That is your house not theirs anymore. You raised those boys and why are you still continuing to raise them. I'm an old school mom and It would not happen in my house. I don't care how old they are, either they shut up or get out and be firm with them. Sometime, we motherrs talk too much. God will protect them. lay the rules down and stick to it. It seems as though your husband has already made the decision already and you should join him. We may not want to hear the truth all the time mom but this time he's right. You aremaking your boys handicapped iand into lazy men. It has to be said so now do what is right and lay the rules down and the rest in the Lord and let Him do the rest. The bible says when I was a child, I thought as a child but now that they are men, they should lay aside childess things and cleave to a wife, not momma . I hope that you are getting my point.

Renee - posted on 01/12/2010




If they are adult treat them as such. Sit down and write out your expectations of them. Then meet with them and tell them (and give them a copy) of your list of expectations. If they do not meet those expectations in a month (or whatever time frame you choose) tell them that they will have to find a place to live - pay rent, electric, gas, water, garbage, sewer, etc. All really large bills. It may change their behavior and perspective.

Rosie - posted on 01/12/2010




i have found that men, in general (not all, but every man i've ever been with) needs to be told what to do, multiple times. i think it's something programmed in their brains and us women just don't get it. like yevette suggested maybe assign chores, and remind them that they need to to do it. if they don't follow the rules, they need to be out on their own. it's your house, and they need to respect that. if they don't they are out, simple as that. it can be hard and i don't have adult children, but if my kids were to treat me without respect i know that they would be out if they were adults. you need to have a big TALK, not yelling fest ,and tell them how they are making you feel. if that doesn't work kick them out!

[deleted account]

Well i have 4 boys "27, 22, 20, 17 and they are no different cos your mum they expect you to do the housework unless asked THEY JUST DONT THINK ABOUT IT....so either get used to asking them for their help or put up a rota on the fridge but you will still have to remind them and as fair as repect is concerned i'm still trying to work that one out, i told my boys the same its time to find your own place, and boy it is hard work i know have not only my own house work to do but theres also, try and advise them to get somewhere together then at least you know they have each other for support and your always at the end of the phone.

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