Disrespectful and ungrateful adult kids

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Sharon - posted on 06/21/2016

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Dear Laurie,
How are you doing? I am still trying to contact my daughter just to hear from the grand boys' voices. I just want to hear the sweet cherubs and maybe I will get my fix for the day. I hope you are doing well and can find some beauty around you today. I know we can't exchange email addresses, but I look forward to speaking with you again. You kick butt gf!!!

Sharon - posted on 06/21/2016

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Dear Shawn,
I don't think Ms. Gould was interpreting that I was being attacked. She posted some good information for me to ponder and relish. I do however appreciate your post and the rest of moms that have come forward to my needs. Thank you.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/20/2016

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@ ms. gould: NO ONE was attacking the victim, here. YOU need to re-read for better understanding.

Sharon - posted on 06/20/2016

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Oh, thank you. This is what I needed to hear. I do believe in myself and self empowerment I just needed the right angle to be able to understand things. I am not accusing anyone of their non-support I just need a little gentleness. I do appreciate the bold statements however - I can get that from my A type personality friends. I reached out to this site for something a wee bit different.

Hence, my daughter has two children 2 and 3 year old boys. I just miss them terribly. I guess that is what the underlying problem is and she knows definitely how to hurt me with this leverage.

My 19 year old son is just starting out and is a slob and feels he is entitled to everything - I never brought him up to be this way. I am very nurturing, loving, funny and a good teacher, but I have learnt these are not good qualities to have....

Perhaps if I were a mean and selfish person I wouldn't be here talking to you.

I don't know - I have done all that I can do for now.

Thanks for your take on this - very helpful....Sharon

Laurie - posted on 06/19/2016

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You are attacking the victim. She already said she was ending her relationships, how about compassion for her significant loss. Certainly reasonable to expect the kids you love to treat you with respect. She didnt do anything wrong so let her go thru her grief. So many of older teens are acting this way towards their loving families and when you meet their friend's parents it becomes clear that there are alot of horrible parents out there raising crappy kids who impact others.

Michelle - posted on 06/19/2016

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I wasn't putting you down at all.
Only YOU can change the way you let people treat you. YOU need to stand up and be strong. Don't allow people to take advantage of your giving nature. You need to put limits on it and no one else can do that for you.

Laurie - posted on 06/19/2016

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Not all mothers are able set boundaries with people they love as the response posters imply. My mother was all giving and supportive me, stiil is at 92yrs of age, and I give the same back because she taught me that is how we love our family. I have two adult adopted children, my son is very loving but my daughter is a total self involved brat. Same parents but different results that I attribute to the peer group they choose. People who are absorbed in social media can lose touch with what is important very quickly. Loving your children is a parents job but what comes back is beyond our control. I feel your pain as we just severed ties with our daughter. I have struggled with this all week but her actions are psychologically abusive and we can say no to going thru it anymore. I hope you can accept this is beyond your control and let them go without changing how you love. Its their loss.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/18/2016

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So you would rather pay down and ALLOW people to use you, disrespect you, and all all over you than take a stand for YOU?????

That bothers me. You are inviting the mistreatment, you admit that your health is declining as a result, and yet you won't stand up? That is not any way to live your life!

Are you seeing a counselor? If not, you should consider one. You need to empower yourself, not sit by like some wilting lily and continue to allow the children that you blessed with life to mistreat you! Are you still married to their father? If so, how does HE treat you? Are you in a bad relationship?

In no way were either of the answers you received non supportive of you. We both supported you in empowering yourself to teach your adult kids to respect you.

It's great to be generous, and you should not change your nature, but limit your generosity to those who will appreciate it, not expect or demand it.

Sharon - posted on 06/18/2016

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I did teach my children to be respectful and kind. They just aren't to me. I am so giving it's hard not to give...not only to them to many. I have been taken advantage many times. I guess I will just die that way and will not complain or say anything else to anyone. I guess this site isn't a time for me to get support.

Michelle - posted on 06/18/2016

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I agree with Shawnn, people will only treat you the way you allow them to.
It's great that you are now standing up for yourself and hopefully they will change they way they treat you.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/18/2016

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"the more you give the more they take". Only if you don't set limits on what is going on.

I have two adult children as well, and yes, I "give", if you want to call it that...I give assistance when they ask. They always have to repay before I will assist again. I do not tolerate disrespect from them, but then again, I never have, so they are not disrespectful by nature.

Your children, whether they be 10, 20, 30 or 40, only respond to how you have raised them. If you've raised them to do their part, contribute, not sponge, and not be disrespectful, then they will be that way. If, however, you didn't have many consequences, gave them what they asked for, whenever, or in general didn't hold any expectations for them as they grew up, they will tend to be demanding, disrespectful, wretches.

I'm not saying this is what has happened in your case, but it is the cause in general of these behaviours.

If you've cut them out, GOOD! They can apologize and start to pay back some of what they owe you, if they wish to have a relationship.

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