Disrespectful, sometimes violent 20 year old

Sue - posted on 03/23/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My 20 year old daughter has been a nightmare for over 3 years. She will curse, tell us to f.... off and curse us to stay out of her life on a weekly basis. She is unable to take any advice we give in a calm demeanor and has been violent at times. Breaking things, throwing objects to break them, kicking in doors, screaming and stomping in our face, getting belligerent even when the police had to be called recently when she became "mad" and I feared for my safety.
Background information:
She is a compulsive liar- almost always get caught lying but then somehow we end up with her screaming at us when confronted about lying. She has even asked me to lie for her and when I refused , the cursing and I hate yous started.
We let her have a gap year after graduating high school to pursue her passion in the arts for one year as she had begged us to let her do. And yes we let her do this because she was a very talented girl and had this dream for a few years. We spent thousands of dollars to help her there only to have her throw it in our face when she decided she did not want to be there anymore. We paid for lease breaking fees of over $2000 so she could move back home.
She has failed out of a four year university during the first semester due to lack of attending classes.
She has attended community college earning approx 24 credits in 3 semesters, and failing one class and having to withdraw from another class due to such poor grades.
She has been fired from at least 5 jobs, after only working a few weeks at each job.
She partied more than anything else since failing out of the four year univ. and has had a very dysfunctional relationship with first boyfriend , more off than on for four years. Her whole happiness in life is dependent on that boy, and since 99% of the time the boy ignores her! she is in turn miserable.
Currently she has been able to keep the same job for 6 months and also is passing the 2 classes she is enrolled in. We try to give praise for these small steps, but ur us grad to support fully when she states she wants to go full time to school.
We have paid for all tuition, books, fees and also room and board during the failed semester at university.
Our biggest problem is the fact that she tells us to f...off and stay out if her life for good anytime we give parental guidance or advice.
The latest incident started with the posting of half nude inappropriate pictures on social media. She gets random photographers to take photos of her nude with only hands or partial coverage of privates with a sheet. She posts them on social media then we hear about them from friends who see them. This has happened on multiple occasions, escalating to more and more nudity with each incident. We kindly asked her not do these things , it is inappropriate since she has many young children who follow her on her social media and close family and friends who worry about the perception she is giving near strangers. She went into the cursing tirade, saying I was a jealous old dried up b....h and so were all my friends. so as she requested we decided to no longer have contact with her, even blocking her phone number due to the vulgar nasty texts She continued to send us.
This happens at least twice a month, it goes on for days, she never apologizes, then we just do our best to forget and nice forward acting normal when she finally snaps out of the week long temper tantrum and acts as if nothing bad happened.
You ask why do we do this. Because if we do as she asks , stay out of her life and not have contact with her, ignore her existence- she will make us miserable, threaten to kill herself, threaten to quit school, jobs,etc....calling us at work, showing up at work, showing up at the house in a violent mood.
She tells us to F off , to stay out of her life, but as soon as we try to, she will cause so much drama in our lives...that we always let her back into our lives.
She lives on her own right now, but had wanted to move back home to start school full time. I'm terrified.
We want her to finish her education, but don't know how much longer we can live like this. When we do try to cut her out of our lives due to this horrible behavior she will accuse us of being horrible parents for not believing her when she will say she is going to change. The guilt of completely abandoning her is overwhelming, but continuing thus roller coaster of erratic behavior is also unbearable. I thought she was going to physically hurt me today, called police.
I am at the point where I just wish I could move to the other side of the country.
I told her I didn't think I could do this anymore....she screamed in my face how can a mother treat her daughter like this! Scared she was going to hit me.
Yes she has been to multiple doctors , put ion meds she never takes regularly. Another threat she makes when throwing tantrums, she states she will stop taking meds. Most recently found her a new doctor since she hated her other psych . And we paid for $800 worth of no show fees for multiple missed appts. She is an adult, even though we pay, they are not even allowed to tell us when her appts are.
She was prescribed lithium for bipolar , but honestly dont know if she will take them.
Please does anyone have any insight.

5 Comments

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/24/2015

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She's certainly got you where she wants you. Completely under her thumb.

Raye - posted on 03/24/2015

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She's 20. She's an adult (even though she's not acting like one). She needs to figure out how to manage on her own. Get a restraining order, call the police to remove her from your property or place of work. Remove yourself from the situation and don't give in to her threats. Tell her until she gets counseling and can PROVE for a period of time that she can act like a sane person that you have no choice than to stay away.

Michelle - posted on 03/24/2015

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This is why she is like she is: "You ask why do we do this. Because if we do as she asks , stay out of her life and not have contact with her, ignore her existence- she will make us miserable, threaten to kill herself, threaten to quit school, jobs,etc....calling us at work, showing up at work, showing up at the house in a violent mood.
She tells us to F off , to stay out of her life, but as soon as we try to, she will cause so much drama in our lives...that we always let her back into our lives."
You said it!!!!
Let her know you will stay out of her life. If she starts threatening, get a restraining order on her and let her know this is what SHE has asked for.
Most people that threaten suicide usually won't follow through, they say it to get a reaction and you are giving it to her.
You are enabling her and you've either got to stop or carry on the way you are.

Nerax - posted on 03/23/2015

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all i can do for you right now is give a big tight hug....just pray for her...ask her what's wrong.... :) hope she'll find the right path again.....

GlenS - posted on 03/23/2015

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Pray well, Devil is working through your daughter to harm your family. Earnest Prayer will deliver your daughter perfectly and completely. In Jesus Name

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