divorce

ChrisNes - posted on 09/21/2014 ( 18 moms have responded )

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my husband is trying to keep our daughter from me. He is telling the court I am suicidal. I have already raised my 2 boys to adult hood. My 22 year old just graduated at the top of his class in psychology. My daughter (12 yr old) is with my 2nd husband soon to be my last husband we are going through a divorce. I fear for her safety because my husband drinks every night. Iam ontotal disability so I am a stay at home Mom. Need help and friends In ND

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D - posted on 09/29/2014

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since your daughter is at a vulnerable stage i cant see the courts taking custody from you, dont be scared or nervous (easier said than done). Courts are usually in favor of the mother ALWAYS...you dont have a criminal background and not a drug user or alcohol abuser you should be fine. plus you have an attorney, i would say be nervous if he has an attorney and you dont. you do, all will work out the way it should. God puts us through things to make us stronger, keep your faith and show your daughter the strength you have to fight for her safety.

D - posted on 09/26/2014

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well i think you are pretty much good to go! it seems like you have all of your ducks in a row and with having legal representation that's great. my ex showed up in court when we went for custody without an attorney and I had one, he sent me threatening text messages the week before telling me he would make me and my attorney look dumb...but it was the other way around totally. usually they will always give mother sole physical custody, especially with your ex's drinking habits that's a NO NO...your daughter is old enough to give her opinion on where she chooses to reside, not that they will go off of that, but they will take that into consideration. it is very stressful and time consuming but in the end it will be worth it, as long as your daughter is safe. another thing, my ex's friends would be at the house from time to time drinking w/him and they would come in saying how strong of a woman i was to put up with his drinking habits because of how obnoxious he gets...if my attorney thought it was a good idea, i would have had them write up statements...eventually no one came to the house anymore because of how out of control he gets...so if you have mutual friends of his that would do this for you would really work out in your favor. maybe suggest day only visits? or supervised if you think that is the safest for your daughter. since the judge ruled in favor of only day time visits and he has two prior DUI's i was comfortable with that because yes on the weekends he would drink during the day but he rarely ever drives because of the two priors. are you trying for child support? if i were you i would consider filing, i filed back in april and since my ex thinks the amount he supposed to be paying is too much he is fighting it, we have court in october...so that's 6 months and even then it can still take another 45 days until i may receive anything. he was giving me money weekly but since we are not on "good terms" i'm lucky if he gives me $25 a month. but since the order was established back in april he will owe back pay...so im just keeping my fingers crossed all goes well for the child support case. if you dont have a your own home yet, i would def start looking! this will make things look better for you. my ex is in the process of getting a home, he put in a bid and may be in any day now, i think when we go back to court in nov for a follow up he will be asking to have her over night, but if he still not in the home i will mention he is renting a room from a friend and because of her age...i feel she is still too young, she is only 2. another thing, if you and he are civil, you can always let him have her more, if you want, i would do that with my ex if he were helping me and not being so hateful...he is draining me financially and emotionally. it's like because he is not in a good place i cant be either...it's more complicated for you two because of the properties i'm sure! i bought my home 5 years ago, he moved in a couple of months after. he was constantly on me to add him to the title...we were engaged for about two years and good thing i never added him because he would have tried taking my home!

D - posted on 09/26/2014

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hello, just read your post and it seems pretty similar to my situation. My daughter's father was/is a drinker. We had to go to an emergency hearing for a kick out order to get him out of my home, judge stated no one is to drink up to 12 hrs of having our 2 yr old...she stayed with me in my home and i would not let her leave with him for safety reasons. So therefore, he would come to my home to visit. he would bring beer even though the judge stated NOT to...well i didnt tell him anything while he did it, i just documented it. once we went back to court, the drinking issue came up, i had a few of my family members there to testify to his drinking habits,also the judge asked me the dates of which he brought alcohol to my home and i gave them to him. just like that he ripped my ex a new one, my ex tried throwing out there i had "anger management" issues...no criminal record for me, judge said thats not what he was worried about he was worried about his drinking issue. Long story short, he (my ex) only gets our daughter 4 times a month with NO overnights. if i feel he has been drinking while she is with him i can terminate the visit. also, it was not about him not seeing her, i am/was truly scared of the safety of our 2 yr old w/an alcoholic. so if you can document dates of his alcoholism, if you have friends or family that can testify for you, i dont think witness statements will work (my attorney told me these would not be used in court cause anyone could have wrote and signed them). as long as you show its more of a safety concern that being vindictive you should be fine. little comments of your weight or if this happens...those are just comments as long as there is no medical personnel stating you have an "issue" i wouldnt worry at all! I would even see if your daughter will document everytime he drinks....dates and times would be best! good luck, contact me if you need any help!!

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ChrisNes - posted on 09/30/2014

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I don't think he is drunk every night, I said he drinks every night. Some nights more than others. I know he eats at noon and then he does not eat any thing again until about 9pm I know he drinks at his shop nightly and I know he comes home and has 2 - 16 oz mixed drinks or glasses of wine. I know he drinks to get a buzz at night. I asked him one time why he drinks and he said because it is fun, it is social and to get a buzz. I can only report what I know and have experienced. By morning he can not remember any of the conversations we may have had the night before. He also has chronic pain and he drinks for the pain relief that the booze gives him. Our daughter has already said that she wants to live with me, so I am fighting for her. What I don't want is for him to drive her anyplace when he has been drinking.
With out my son I wont have much of a case but in the past he would write out checks each time he went drinking at the bar and I just printed off all of those checks and I will be giving them to my lawyer. He has wised up a bit and is not writing out checks every time he goes to the bar now. I do believe I have enough to show the Court if necessary. I don't need anyone getting hurt over his drinking, he should not be drinking when he admits to me in front of my son in law that he is still having problems with his equilibrium.
I do believe that my daughter is mature enough to talk with a judge if it comes to that.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/30/2014

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You need to keep in mind, consuming alcholic beverages, and being completely intoxicated are two separate things.

Sounds like the guy has a temper, but I haven't really seen anything to back your accusation that he's a drunk, abusing alcohol. Not that I AGREE with a lot of alcohol consumption, but...just saying.

You are not necessarily receiving the best advice here, either.

What you NEED to be prepared for is for the judge to grant your daughter choice of residence. I'm not sure what the age of choice is in North Dakota, but in Wyoming it's 12. If she chooses to live with her father, you cannot fight that. You can still have your set custody days, etc, but if she chooses dad for primary custody, and he is not proven to be a flaming alcoholic in need of rehab, it will be allowed.

As far as proof that your husband has a problem...are there any arrests? Tickets for DUI, public intoxication? Any reports filed by you, whilst he was intoxicated, regarding danger to yourself and other family members? Things of this nature are proof. Him mixing a drink and sitting in the hot tub, or stopping at the parts store on his way home for a beer with his buddies...that's within the scope of 'normal' behaviour.

I'm not saying you don't have a problem, but the way you're approaching it may not be effective. After all, alcohol is not illegal. Consumption is not illegal. You documenting purchases made with your joint account only proves that he's using his debit card at the liquor store, not that he's inebriated, not that he's DWI. And having your daughter tell you the occurrances...that is not necessarily the best either. For example, my (then) 5 YO once told the neighbor that I was 'drunk' because I drank a beer, and he'd never seen me drink a beer before. Children cannot determine what 'drunk' is in the legal terms.

If you want to get a divorce, file for the divorce with solid items that prove your allegations. Throwing hearsay into the mix will only muck it up for you.

ChrisNes - posted on 09/30/2014

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Hi, my son is the only one who witnesses the nightly drinking that would say anything. I havetried to get him to help me so no one gets hurt, He has opted out of saying anything against his step dad. I explained that it isn't only his sister that might get hurt but he does not want to say anything.Even yesterday my son showed up out of the blue and when my husband got home he did his usual and got his drink and went out side to sit in his hot tub. He then comes into the house and mixes himself another drink and heads to the shower. My 22 year old son was here and saw it all.
My husband has an explosive temper. he explodes out of the blue. I have witnessed it many times over the years, both of my boys have also witnessed it but they just shrug it off and say "that's just him." I have seen my 6foot 4inch husband throw a battery of a truck about 20feet when he is pissed. The last time he was really pissed was when my lawyer interrupted him at mediation. It is an hour drive on the interstate for us to get home and even in that amount of time he didn't cool down, he went and had some drinks at about 5pm and when he got home he got on the lawn mower and continued his rant and was calling my lawyer all kinds of names. My son in law was there for part of the show but it didn't get out of hand because my son in law was there. My son in law heard him cussing about my lawyer and saw how pissed he was. My son in law is also ???idk afraid to say anything against my husband.
I don't know how to get the point across to him that someone is going to get hurt.
My husbands family for the most part stays away from booze because they have had family members with alcoholism.
I tried to get them to help me but they wouldn't say or do anything to help me or their brother.
When he is at the lake around his family he starts the day with baileys in his coffee cup and then he goes for beer and by 5pm he is into mixed drinks or wine. They don't seem to care about his drinking though they rarely touch the stuff themselves.

I kept track of the times he would come home smelling of booze and I can only recall one Sunday in the last 2 months that I didn't smell it on him or see him drink.

I have told my daughter time and time again that if she suspects anything that she call me and I will come and get her.
I don't know what else to do in this case.
His one full time employee is a functioning alcoholic and he would never say anything against my husband. I have pictures of the fridge at my husbands place of work and it is always stocked with booze. He goes next door to his shop is a 'parts place' and he drinks there also. My daughter knows that he drinks there.
I have told my lawyer, I told the mediator, I told the deputy Sherriff, and I told the city auditor about my husbands drinking.
I printed off all the liquor store purchased that he makes from the joint account that I could find.
Im at a loss.

D - posted on 09/30/2014

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ChrisNes

I completely believe you as far as his drinking and the driving but how do YOU know this? Is it because your daughter tells you? The reason I ask is because this is something that the courts, judge, your ex, and your ex's attorney will/can ask...I mean I know us as once being their significant other know them inside and out...but how can you prove it? Thankfully in my case the judge didn't ask for proof of the times he came over with alcohol my documentation w/dates and times was good enough for him. I would think with your daughter being "old enough in the courts eyes" to have legal representation appointed for her maybe she can bring this up? Do you think she can do this? I think you should be documenting every time she tells you her dad is drinking period. Have her text you if possible, if she doesn't have a cell phone maybe ask her when she comes back to you from being with him. It's so important to document EVERYTHING. Has your family or friends (besides your son's) ever witnessed drunken rages? This can also help you, again a signed letter (my attorney stated this probably would be thrown out), but maybe even a couple of friends or family members willing to testify for you in court. Just let them know and even your son, this is not for your personal gain, it's for the safety of your daughter and others out there. Let them know they don't want to have something on their conscious for the rest of their lives, Heaven forbid if something BAD happens.

I'm going back to court in Nov for a follow up of our orders. I'm scared that our 2 yr old will be with him more...such as overnights (pending he has his own place). At the moment he has had his offer on a home accepted and it's been in the works since July/Aug so any day now he can be in his home. He is currently renting a room from a friend and I will bring that up in court if he is fighting for overnights on the weekends he has her. Another thing, he is a big time drinker, i know his friend he is living with has quite drinking so at the moment he claims he has not drank...maybe this is true, but I know once he has his own place, he can do what he wants...and what does an alcoholic do when they are by themselves and have always dwelled on the past...DRINK...so this is my concern for our daughter. Again, she is so young that she can't tell me everything. I will tell you what's sad, when she was younger she would see a bud light (his) in the house or out at a restaurant (pics hanging on the walls) and point to it and say daddy....for a kid under 2 yrs of age to associate her dad with alcohol is JUST SAD!

ChrisNes - posted on 09/30/2014

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Well my 22 year old son is reluctant to say anything bad about his step-dad. He said before that he was willing to write something up about him drinking every night but now he says he still wants to be friends with his step-dad.
I tried to explain that not only would it help me it would help keep his sister and her friends safe. I said your step-dad goes and picks up your sister and her friends after he has been drinking I said that is not safe. I said he is not only a danger to his own daughter and her friends but he is a danger to other people. What I said didn't make a dent in the fact that he would be helping not only me but his sister and others.
I don't get out much and I don't have people over because of this pit we live in. My son and his friends have seen my husband drink every night.
I don't know what else to do about the situation.
I believe the legal assistant said "but they are your kids." well that is true they are my kids I have thought them to think for themselves.
perplexed : /

ChrisNes - posted on 09/29/2014

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Hi, I think I just replied to Evelin.
I woke up today with a lot of emotions. I think it is because my daughter has her period. I believe it affects me though I have been told I am in menopause.
I racked my ankle on some wood in the basement on Saturday while cleaning my daughters room and doing her laundry.
My husband has said to me over the years that I make everyone around me miserable. That I am a shitty wife and a shitty Mom. He does this to abuse me. After the sheriff dropped off the restraining order (for his finances) he laid into me and tried to pick a fight with me. I said I wont have to take this much longer and that made him more angry. He stood over me and again bullied me and tried to pick a fight with me. The next day I ran into the depuity sheriff and told her what had happened, I said he scared the c888 out of me and I don't think the sheriff handled it in the right way. OMG I was tearful when I was speaking to the D.Sheriff and then I had to pull it together and go in and talk to the city auditor. I fear that he will win because he has the money the expansive lawyer and the friends in this his home town. I have felt isolated and alone since we moved here. My FMS and IC and all of my operations has kept me isolated. Plus who wants to invite people over to this mess we live in. I have a lot of fears like what if he closes the joint account. Even though I put all of my money into this house I am buying I still have to be able to live and my SSDIis not enough. I contacted Social Services and they said I could qualify for food stamps and fuel assistance. I have the forms here to fill out. The man with USDA (who was also my SSDI attorney) jasper Schneider is to call me today. I don't know what he is going to tell me because I already got a call from the Bismarck office and they said I didn't qualify for their assistance. I fear that I wont get custody of our daughter and that she will be miserable living in this mess with her Dad. Oh, so many fears is very stressful. My 22 year old is coming out today to write up the ??? affidavit about my husbands drinking. Im glad he looks at things the way he does. My 25 year old says he does not want to get involved, but my 22 year old says he does not have a problem telling the truth. He believes that if his step dad has a problem with it than that is his problem, he shouldn't be doing things that are wrong. He believes his sister will be better off with me her Mom. I have an appointment to see a counselor on the same day we are to have mediation, I don't think I can do both so I will have to reschedule the counselor. Well my son is coming out to visit so I had better get off line. Maybe he will help me pack some. I have an appointment with the hand doctor on the 6th and I should be closing on the house on the 8th. I hope that I am doing the right thing. Leah had such a time picking out her comforter for her bed room, it feels like a soft stuffed animal (she has always liked stuffed animals) her brother bought her a huge stuffed horse on her 5th birthday and she still has it : )
Thank You

ChrisNes - posted on 09/26/2014

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I documented a couple of weeks when my husband came home smelling of booze and how he would go get a drink and go and sit in his hot tub every night and then he would come home and drink some more, I gave that note book to my lawyer, I also have some notes written in my phone calendar of his drinking. I have asked my 22 year old son to write something up about my husband and his drinking. The Legal assistant said that would be good for him to write it up and they would present it to Court. My son would spend his summers here with us mowing our 8 acres and helping me. My son has yet to write this up, also am having him write up that I raised him and did a good job, he said he would write that I am not suicidal. I sent the email from the nurse who did my 3 week pain clinic and evaluation and she said my husband is grasping and some other medical term that means I have no signs of depression. I didnt want to have to get my daughter involved in the mess with her father, she does not need that right now. She knows that he drinks at night, she cant smell it but when he is more weird than normal she might notice it then. Like when he comes home and lectures her while he is rubbing her foot (that has started to bother her and I said then tell him to stop). My husband came upstairs one night after he tucked our daughter in and said that our daughter told me she does not want me to rub her back or legs any more (she is in bed when he does this) I said Yeah, she should have told you to stop a long time ago. I wanted to say I think I was 6 or 8yrs when I stopped kissing my parents 'good night' I said she is almost 13 years old and she is going through changes. My daughter was 11 when she got her period. I gave the lawyer the bank print outs of the booze he buys every month. I have pictures of his shop fridge filled with booze. My daughter knows he goes to Eversons (parts store) and drinks after work with the guys that work at the parts store. I just talked with someone from USDA rural development here about them possibly buying my home from the bank at a lower interest rate, she said that they didnt do that. Then she advised me not to buy a home. I said my lawyer said it was fine for me to but a home (I said the Judge knows I am looking for a home) I said my lawyer explained it to me that everything gets pooled together and then the assets and the debt will get split equally, we are an equitable division State. My lawyer says that $ money has just been turned into a house so they will now split the debt and value of both houses. The one problem here is that my husband has not disclosed all of his debt yet, he says we owe 80k on the house we are living in now. D any other advice you have would be greatly appreciated. Thank YOU

Ev - posted on 09/23/2014

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I found your message. My situation is a lot different. Basically, he put me down over the years for weight but that was the least of it. But if you want more information, if you go to my name and click it you can email me via here.

ChrisNes - posted on 09/23/2014

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Evelyn, hi I am having trouble with the site today.
I FB with the pain nurse who I worked with for a 3 week pain clinic. she said my husband does not have anything to substantiate his claims. Deep down I know this. I also know that he is trying to keep from having to pay alimony and or child support. My daughter is 12 yrs old and she wants to live with me.I can't help but stress about these things. I am set up to do some counsiling (I will probably have to cansil my first visit) the lawyers say we are having mediation that day. my son says I am stressed because I am going through a lot at this time, which is obvious. the entire marriage has been stressful except when my husband is on the road then I relax a bit. he says I make everyone around me miserable and that is his way of keeping me isolated and depressed. I hope this msg gets to you. Have you been through a similar situation? I was with my first husband for 13 years and married for 10of those years. This marriage I have been with him Since 1999. and married thus far for 13 years, 13 must be my unlucky number. Thank You

ChrisNes - posted on 09/21/2014

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Yes, I am sure of all that you wrote. I have dealt with depression but there are no remarks that say I would cause harm to anyone. I have chronic pain and I am on total disability, I have raised 2 wonderful, smart, young men. My 22 yearold graduated 0.001 from being at the top of his class at college.
My daughter has said that she wants to live with me so I am fighting for her. Im not the fun Mom, I am the funny Mom. I am the Mom who says clean your room, do your home work...etc.
My husband also has chronic pain but he is still able to work, he drinks for his pain and relaxing. He is rarely ever home.
I have been both Mom and Dad to my kids.
My husband says I am not fit to raise his child.
My husband does not have to work he chooses to work, he has revenue that comes in monthly.
I am in the process of getting my daughter and I a home, I have used up just about all of my inheritance to do this.Thanks

Ev - posted on 09/21/2014

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Those notes you wrote are not going to be much. I am not a lawyer though so I can not tell you for sure and it would also depend on laws in your state. But he would have to have proof like visits to a psychologist or therapist who deals with mental issues like depression and such. It sounds like you have depression regarding what you put on those notes and I am guessing really. You would also have to have the proof as I said but your son being a character witness to all this since he did see it first hand might help your side of things. Again, it depends on the laws of your state. If you have any other people that have seen your husband in this manner, they should be able to testify the same thing to the judge. What it does boil down to is he said and she said. And he might be trying to get the child to get out of child support to. That has been known to happen in some cases. But do not take my word that it happens all the time.

ChrisNes - posted on 09/21/2014

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I should really be in bed but I will try to respond to this. My husband kept notes I left him years ago when we were going to counsiling and they say things like I would rather be dead than keep living this way. It is a figure of speech. I have also said if I get over 200lbs just shoot me, well I have been over 200lbs for the last year and I really didn't expect anyone to shoot me.
I do not have any medical papers that say I am a threat to my self or anyone else. My husband kept these notes out of malice and he wrote his own interpitation to them.
My 22 year old son would live with us in the summer months while he went to school and he would see my husband drinking every night. I didn't think my son could write a statement but the Legal assistant says he can since he is an adult. Sorry my hands are not working well. I appreciate your help.

Ev - posted on 09/21/2014

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Unless he has actual proof of you having mental issues, he does not have a leg to stand on and as long as you have no proof of his drinking causing her harm, then you can not do much. Its going to be he said/she said unless proof is provided by both parties as to the abilities of the other parent to have custody or not. If you can provide some form of arrest records, court convictions, and police reports; there is not much you can do.

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