Divorce-heart brown mother

Karla - posted on 05/04/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone. I have 3 kids and just bought a house with my new fiancé. My kids are 11, 10, and 8. My youngest two are adjusting well to the divorce and the impending marriage. I filed for divorce in 2011 from my children's father. My oldest is having the most difficult time with all of the transition going on and lately blames me for the entire divorce. My ex has pretty much Brainwashed him into believing that because I am the one who filed, that it is my fault. He has said his life sucks now because his parents are divorced. (I filed in 2011, finalized in 2014). I am about to get remarried and just bought a house of my fiancé.
My ex and I got divorced because he had a series of girlfriends while we were married. He did not want a divorce because he was financially dependent upon me and wanted to maintain the lifestyle that I provided. He drained my savings to pay off loans, bought an expensive vehicle, etc.

My immediate problem is that my 11-year-old blames me for everything, hates me, and doesn't want me as his mother. I am 100% completely heartbroken at best. His grades are horrible and he is emotionally suffering because of that and all of the life changes he is going through problem is that my 11-year-old blames me for everything, hates me, and doesn't want me as his mother. I am 100% completely heartbroken at best. His grades are horrible and he is emotionally suffering because of school and all of the life changes he is going through. He hates it when I tell him the word no to anything that he asks for but I am not going to raise a child who feels he is entitled to anything he wants. His younger siblings are adjusting just fine, but it is absolutely breaking my heart that he hates me so much. What do I do? Do I tell him WHY his father and I got divorced? I don't think he needs to know, but at the same time my ex blames me and is encouraging my kids to blame me also. PLEASE HELP!

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Sarah - posted on 05/04/2016

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Well that can be a goal for the two of you to fix with the help of a counselor. You can tell your son that it hurts your feelings when he says such things to you, and that while you understand he is angry it is not ok for him to speak to you like that, period. don't engage in arguing with an 11 yo, you will just get frustrated and you will both be miserable. Reassure him that you love him, he must be polite to you or he can be silent. Tell him he can ask you anything and you will answer his questions. Just don't throw your ex under the bus. At some point your son is going to grow up a bit and realize that thru this whole time, dad said awful things about mom, but you did not say awful things about dad. Kids are smart. Meanwhile; praise the positives, try to spend some alone time with him and encourage him to talk to his therapist.

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Karla - posted on 05/04/2016

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Thank you, Sarah! I do have him in counseling. The counselor said that there's only so much he can do, since my oldest has a trusted relationship with my ex. It's so hard to believe he doesn't hate me, and I do know he is hurt and angry. I just hate that every hour I am with him is spent fighting. :(

Sarah - posted on 05/04/2016

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First, he doesn't hate you, he's angry. Did he ever get any counseling to help him sort out is feelings about the divorce? No, you do not tell him that dad cheated; it isn't any of his business. I can tell him you are sorry that he is angry, and you feel like you tried really hard to make things work with dad but sometimes even grown-ups can't figure things out. If your ex is brainwashing him, then discuss that with him. If he wants your son to be happy and feel positive about his new family he will grow up and not talk badly about you. For either one of you to disparage the other to your son is unfair and unkind and will only confuse him more.
I'd get him in counseling and let an impartial professional help him figure out his feelings.

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