Divorced mom and boyfriend sleeping arrangements

Tanya - posted on 04/27/2013 ( 47 moms have responded )

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I am a divorced mother of 3 children, ages 5 (girl), 6 (boy), and 10 (girl). Since the divorce 4 years ago, I have dated approximately 7 men, 5 of whom have spent time with the children, to varying degrees. The most recent boyfriend spent the most time with them, as he basically lived at our home for about 4 months...up until December 2012. He frequently watched the kids for me, as I am a full time student, also have an emotional regulation disorder that makes it hard for me to cope sometimes. He also slept in the bed with them often, and saw us sleeping in the same bed every night. When the relationship ended, the kids asked about him a lot, but they seem to be OK with it now.
My question is pertaining to my new relationship, which started in February 2013. The new man is wonderful, and good to the kids, and we are planning to be married within a couple of months. My mom feels very strongly that the kids should not see us sleeping in the same bed, especially because of the proximity to the last relationship, and the fact that my 6 yr. old son is having serious problems at school. I feel that it is perfectly OK, especially since he is going to be in their life permanently. What do you think?

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I am just without words... I have been a single mom for several years and NONE of my boyfriends have ever met my son. He is the most important thing to me and I will not shuffle men in and out of his life. That is INCREDIBLY damaging to them! How can they get any stability, or trust in anyone to be there! Your husband is gone, and five of your boyfriends have been in and out of their life... Wow. Just wow.

You should never NEED a man. Get your life in order, then look for a relationship. Someone you WANT to be there. And take it SLOW. Your children should be the most important thing, and by the sound of it - your love life comes first. Time to switch it up and put them ahead of your needs.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/03/2013

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Tanya, I'm sorry to say this, but you seem very immature just for asking this. Honestly, I think the divorce has caused you some mental and emotional damage and you may need to consider seeing a counselor for this. I don't even understand how you've had the time to meet and date all of these different men. Please slow down and be more involved in your children's lives. It's really just wrong what you're doing.

I will tell you this, as many people in this forum know, I was left alone by my daughter's biological father when I first found out I was pregnant. I did meet my current fiance online while I was still pregnant (the hormones and influence from friends encouraged me to try to meet someone). I was so over protective of my daughter in the beginning though even though he knew she was coming. We met in person when she was a month old and I have never dated anyone else, and I actually feel guilty just for meeting some one while I was pregnant, but I am glad I did this because now we are getting married this year and she has the opportunity to have something she was never originally going to have, a father.

Now listen, you have not provided your children with this at all, plus imagine how their real dad feels. You guys were married, he IS rightfully their father. In fact I am surprised he hasn't gotten involved in your bringing different men around your children and letting them sleep in the same bed as them. These are your children!!!! Come on lady. These are the most important gifts God could ever give you and you're like sharing them with any man you meet on the street and they could probably be doing anything they want to your kids because you are letting them in and letting that happen. Please get your emotional disorder in check, seek counseling, seek medical help. Stay away from men, FOCUS ON YOUR KIDS. I really wish you the best of luck and hope you get some common sense, this situation you are living in and putting your kids through is really bad all around, you've got to stop it.

Kelly - posted on 05/03/2013

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Bad parenting choices! Being a single mom myself for almost 5 years, I know how lonely it can be. My dating life was NEVER ever brought up to my children. You are making decisions based on what makes YOU feel better rather than thinking of your children and their emotional needs. The damage you are doing is so selfish. I never brought anyone into my home with my children there except for maybe a brief meeting. They were never around my children for an extended period. It wasn't until I was in a committed relationship that my boyfriend of 3 years was allowed to be a part of our family life. No way should you ever ever ever allow a man into the bed with your children. It's not only dangerous but it's creepy! Why would a man even want to do that with children that are not biologically his? That should tell you something right there. You need a reality check and someone to talk some real sense into you if you are already thinking of bringing another man into the lives of your children after such a short period of time. Your story upsets me terribly and I feel so so sorry for your children.

Stephanie - posted on 05/03/2013

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I think you need to be super careful. Any one of those men could have been sexual predators. While I too have made many mistakes, I can tell you from experience that you need not be so open with your kids. Even if you marry this man I would not allow him to sleep WITH your kids. He will be a step-father, not a father, and it's just too dangerous to be so naive. Your mom is right! Even after you're married you need to keep your door shut. And, as you know since you're divorced, marriage does not make anything permanent. Tread lightly and be careful! Do back ground checks on your last boyfriends to ensure that none of them have records. I am worried about your son who is having problems in school.

Natasha - posted on 05/04/2013

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HI Tanya
I thought about why you are asking all us strangers advice...When theone Important person has given you the best adive already.....If one cannot accept advice of ones own mother the one Important persons advise that should stand out than any other...as Her opinion should matter as those are her grand kids and she can clearly see the harm your life choices are doing to the family..I understand that some women require men to make their lives complete...but you need to dig deep.In my opinion I think you will do what you feel is best for you and your kids will suffer from your immaturity and lack of responsibilty towards your kids.As a single mom..of Two sons living in a country where they dont even speak english..I choose my kids over men...the cruel reality is that men are like babies.an all you need is a warm body in your bed.....Think hard dear women...And in the end listen to your mother she loves you and men will come and go but our mother and our kids are Gold.♥♥♥♥

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Jodi - posted on 05/07/2013

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Ladies, due to the number of personal attacks I have found and deleted in this discussion, I am locking the conversation. Please remember that our Terms and Guidelines are in place to help keep Circle of Moms a safe place where moms feel comfortable sharing personal information about their lives and families. This means refraining from personal attacks--even when provoked and checking your gut before posting to make sure what you're about to share adds real value rather than taking it away.

Please review No T.H.U.M.P.S, and be aware that your continued participation in these communities depends on your ability to respect these guidelines. http://www.circleofmoms.com/no_thumps.ph...

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Eileen - posted on 05/06/2013

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Your children deserve their own space. I don't care if he's bending your back out every weekend, you conduct your business at his place. Your children should never see their mother in bed with a man she is not married to.

Angela - posted on 05/06/2013

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You shouldn't have allowed your previous boyfriend to sleep in the same bed as your kids first of all. I understand that doesn't necessarily mean you're planning for your current man to be sleeping in the same bed, but anyway, just don't do it.

I'm interested in why you're planning marriage on such a short time of knowing one another. Whose idea was this? Yours or his?

Is he working?
Does he have a home of his own?
Are you thinking of free childcare whilst you're at college?
What's the rush?

I've heard of a few relationships where the man wanted to rush things. In each case he had something to hide from his prospective wife and wanted to marry fast. That way, if & when she found out, the marriage was already a done deal.

What means the most to you (and him)? Getting married? Or getting married to each other? How would you feel about postponing it? How would HE feel?

Have you talked in depth about your plans for life? How you will raise these kids together? How the 2 of you will develop and progress as a couple? And (with your children) as a family?

What about HIS parents, his other relatives, his past?

A few years ago, as a divorcee, I met & fell in love with a man who adored me and my children. He wanted to marry me. He'd never been married before. Just over a year after we got together we got engaged. I discussed with him all the things I've advised YOU to discuss with your man. I wasn't getting the right answers - but there was no rush to get to the altar. I was happy to give it time. His own parents weren't too keen for us to marry in a hurry either. We stayed together another 2 years then split. His parents were right, my OWN instincts were right. We both moved on, and in time, we both married other people.

I'm very happy with my husband. I'm assuming my ex boyfriend is very happy with his wife. Good luck to them!

I'm sure that the right individual for you to share your life with is around. It may even be this man you're planning to marry. There is no rush, think carefully.

Good luck.

Karen - posted on 05/06/2013

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I am shuddering with the idea that you let some man sleep in bed with your children!!! You need to remain single and focus on your kids ... 7 men in 4 years? 5 of who you brought into your kids life? You are really screwing them for the long term.

Missy - posted on 05/06/2013

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I would work on the coping disorder before the relationship progresses any further. Blended families are hard and if you are not emotionally strong that it's going to be a problem down the road.
Make sure that you are 100% so that you can give a 100% to your marriage. The divorce rate of a blended family is almost 70%. There are times in a marriage when you have to give 120%.

I have an 11yr old stepdaughter. If I fould out that her mother was allowing her boyfriend to sleep in the same bed with her, My dh would be going to court with my FULL support behind him. OHhhh hell no, I don't care if he's the Pope. Unrelated members of the opposite sex DO NOT sleep in the same bed with minors.

I'm curious, you've had 7 relationships in the last 4 years. But, have decided to marry someone that you have been involved with for 3 months. What is so different about him that makes him the one?

Are the kids okay with the break up of the last relationship or have they just stopped talking about him because you moved someone else in?

Kari - posted on 05/06/2013

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I don't mean to sound harsh, but you need to focus on your children instead of having a man in your bed. To have 5 men in your childrens life in a matter of 4 years, and now another that you "think is forever" is just not fair to them. Children need stability, and they are learning from you that they must not be enough to make you happy. It is fine to go out and have fun and adult time, but to be moving multiple men into your home is just not being a responsible parent, especially if one of your children has started acting out. Take time and spend it just with them and let them know that they are your world and come first!

Christina - posted on 05/05/2013

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i agree with what the others are saying. i was a single mom approx. 11 years ago. my daughter was 1 1/2 at the time that i left her father. i went out with several men over the course of 4 years, but my daughter didn't meet any of them until i introduced her to the person that eventually became her step-dad. i didn't want to confuse her and bring men into her life that i wasn't serious about, so i didn't introduce her to any. even her step-dad didn't meet her until we were about 6 months into the dating relationship.

considering you just got out of a long-term relationship (dec. 2012) two months before starting a new relationship (feb. 2013), it seems you are moving very quickly. it's great if you feel you found "the one", but perhaps he shouldn't move in until you are married? obviously they can meet him and be told that he will be their step-dad, so they have time to get used to the idea, but i think that given the timeframe of how close it is to the last boyfriend they should be given some time to adjust.

just my two cents.

Fay - posted on 05/05/2013

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While I don't necessarily agree with some posts that say you should have a ring on your finger and a date set, I do believe that it's far too much for children of their ages to cope with, considering that it's only 3 months ago since your last boyfriend left. 5 men in 4 years in their lives is absolutely atrocious, and I'd be amazed if the poor things aren't scared for life! I was a single mum for 9 years, and had 3 boyfriends (the third I've now been with for over 2 years, and we are now engaged) Admittedly my kids knew all 3, but one I had no choice about 1, they met him the same time I did, and the other they'd known since they were babies anyway. My Dad used to tell me that you'll never find anyone to love you as you deserve until you can love yourself (I had bad self esteem issues when I was younger) and he was right. Nothing really went right until I learnt to be myself, by myself, and to make the most of what I had in my life. Did a course through the job centre, and that was where I met my now fiancé. Since it's obviously too late to not introduce them to your new boyfriend, please at least keep a close eye on them... with one of my boyfriends, I learnt the hard way that you can't trust everyone, and it was my poor daughter that suffered.

Tamekia - posted on 05/05/2013

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I'm sure you are a good mother to your kids, but having the children see you with a different man constantly is detrimental to what they should view as a stable relationship. You barely know the guy you are engaged to now, being that the last guy you were with was only 2 months prior to this new relationship. I believe you should not expose these children to your relationships until you have been involved with some one for at least 6 to 9 months. At least then you will see if this is going somewhere. If you still decide to get married to the man you are currently seeing, you need to ask you children how they feel about it. They are your priority, not the men in your life. You definitely need to follow your mom's advice as well about not letting them see this guy in your bed. That shouldn't have happened until you were seeing him for a while too, but now you have to at least wait until the kids are asleep. Take care of your son's issues in school, your children as a whole, make sure they're emotional and mental well being can handle all off this BEFORE you get married.

Dee - posted on 05/04/2013

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Tanya you stated in your post that you have been divorced for four years, that being your children were actually one (1), two (2) and six (6) at that time. Since you didn't mention their father iI take it that he is not involved in their lives since you have used the boyfriends have babysitters. I would suggest you get the father involved in these childrens lives and not having your boyfriends fulfill the gap. Secondly, you mention that you have an emotional regulation disorder. If you are sufferring from this I can see why you have had so many different men involved in your life and your childrens. You need to seek more help with this and hopefully you are taking a medication to help you cope. Also you need to seek help to have your children counseled or tested to see if there have been any unknown sexual molestation towards them by your previous or current boyfriend. Your age is not known but it sound as if you started procreating and married young on top of a medical condition. The men you have been and involved with only sees you as a sex machine for a time period If you have to have these men in your life have your mom keep them if she can and stop putting your children life and wellbeing at stake for your own emotional need. Please seek family counseling for your children and yourself!!

Jessica - posted on 05/03/2013

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First off I am going to try and say this as respectfully as possible.... You have to be crazy, like flat out crazy to leave your children, especially your daughters alone with a man you barley know. And if you've only been divorced for 4 years and this was number 7 you couldn't possibly know him that well. It is incredibly dangerous to leave children alone with your bfs and actually the mothers bf or husband who is not the child's father is the MOST likely person to sexually abuse children. There is absolutely no reason for your bf to be sleeping in bed with your kids or even be alone with them quite frankly.. If you're a fully time student that is great but your children's safety should be the most important thing, and shouldn't be compromised for free child care. I understand that you are lonely and want a man around for you, but your children need their mom not 5 different men coming and going. You should really slow down and take time to think of them and their happiness/safety before any of your needs.

But to the original question, I think your mom is right on. But I don't even think they should have met 5 bfs of yours over their lifetimes none the less over a four year period following the divorce of their parents. You really need to take a step back and slow down. If your fiancé is worth it he will understand.

Holly - posted on 05/03/2013

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You shouldn't be co-sleeping and getting your kids attached to all these different people. It creates too much pain and emotional instability for them.

Amy - posted on 05/03/2013

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Plz slow down. Take time to get to know yourself and to love yourself. Take time and learn how to be by yourself. Until you can do that you will not be happy. Men will come and go and see you and your kids as easy targets. My rule of dating was no-one met my daughter and no-one stayed over if she was home. Yes it made dating hard but worth it to keep men from coming and goin. You need to take time to also get to know everything you can about a man before interduceing him to your kids. You don't want anything to happened to them. Plz stop and not rush into a marriage. From your post you seem like a woman who feels like she NEEDS man. You don't you are stronger than you think.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 05/03/2013

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I just re read your post and am a little startled to hear your kids have met 5 different men you have dated! Im not judging you bc I can only imagine what it's like to be a single mom and how lonely it can be ,BUT that's not fair to those babies . Your children are learning that men come in and out of their life and abandon them no wonder your son is having problems . You need to show them security and stability. I can't tell you how to run your life but you need to think long and hard about jumping into this marriage for your kids sake. Kids see the relationships their parents have and more times than not end up repeating their parents behaviors bc that's what we teach them wether we mean To or not. I feel sorry for these kids actually bc it really seems unfair that they have to feel abandoned everytime a break up occurs bc of a choice you made which they have no control of

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 05/03/2013

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I met my boyfriend and lived with him for 3 years when his daughter came to live with us . I spent 3 months on the couch at night time even when the little girl insisted she wanted us all to sleep together . The kids are going through enough with out that new change . One thing about being a mom is we can not do what's convenient for us anymore bc everything we do effects our kids. You have to be careful and I wouldn't even think of sleeping in the same bed before marriage. It's not easy seeing people come and go out of a kids life , when you break up the kid goes through the same feelings of hurt and they feel abandoned and they can't understand the grown up world so it's not fair to force them to be part of it

Paloma - posted on 05/03/2013

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Children sleeping with an adult??? Not dad??, even if he seré, don't you have heard about pedophiles?, be careful girl!! Make a Life for you with your Children!!

Anne - posted on 05/03/2013

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Girl... don't hurry into any relationship or marriage with ANYONE... you seem to need some help yourself , why so many relationships in such a short time? if I were one of your kids I'd be having more than serious problems. You don't need to always be in a relationship to feel complete, start by looking inward and start focusing on yourself and your children.. the right man will come along someday. Now is the time to stop being codependent as you'll regret it some day when the kids start rebelling and you find yourself going from one man to the next... s-l-o-w down dear....

Precious - posted on 05/03/2013

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And I want to add one more thing. My mother married my stepfather when I was 6 years old. The touching, taking baths together, sleeping together began immediately. I was a victim of serial incest at the hands of my mother's husband for 12 years, until I moved out of the house at 18. Guess who I haven't spoken to in 20 years? Guess who has never met my son? Guess who is still married to the pedophile? Yep, you better think about those children and their future and protecting them or you may be without a relationship with them forever. But at least you'll still have your man!

Enna - posted on 05/03/2013

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I think you should wait until you're married, you really haven't known this guy for that long, and the kids may not be ready for it yet.

Felicity - posted on 05/03/2013

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I am shocked by this behavior, in this day in time children are supposed to be protected mentally and phyically. I can understand you are lonely, but be alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. You were in a realtionship with their father and now you have to focus on self and they children. Having that many relationships in not healthy for sure and you are making bad decisions. Maybe you don't see that, but all the ladies couldn't be wrong. Take a breathe you don't want to really hurt your children do u, this time that all need to heal, even you. Did you forget you have been divorce and it hasn't been a time that you all have adjusted to dad not being there...Have you? This not a good time to marry a man that hasn't proved himself worthy of your childrens' love or yours....You sound desperate to have anybody? Sorry to say that! No man should be sleep with your daughters or son have you check to see if they have been mess with? IJS since you think its ok for men to sleep with your children....Only God knows!

Sara - posted on 05/03/2013

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•A child with a biological mother who lives alone is 14 times more likely to suffer abuse.
•A child with biological parent(s) who are cohabitating but not married is 20 times more likely to suffer abuse.

Keep ALL men/boyfriends/etc out of the house, and away from your kids until you are 100% sure of their character. I would not be confident with a man you started dating 2 months ago, unless maybe you've known him since childhood or something. Safety aside your kids will grow up NOT valuing themselves (in terms of relationships) nor their partners since you are so fickle with where you give your affection.

Yolanda - posted on 05/03/2013

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Tanya,
Hey whatever happened to valuing yourself as a women? If you've gone through that many men, then obviously you don't feel as if they were great choices. Throw your life into your kids, take your time, and please don't sleep around.
Your precious babies are totally confused and having problems. You will either add to the problems, or as their mother and protector, you will be the one to save and love them above all else.
Please, please don't hunt a man. If you meet a great one, take your time, date him and get to really know him. Please don't move him in your home. My sis always did that and I'm sorry to say, she kept choosing losers. They cheated,stole from the kids, and even tried to molest her daughter. Talk about sick bedfellows. There is no way a woman can admire and respect a fellow like that or herself.
The kids are so cheated in these situations, no matter how you slice it, it's confusion at best. I cried with those babies so many times. But only the mother can love them enough to be the hero they need.

User - posted on 05/02/2013

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I agree with the other post's it's defintly not ok 2 be sleeping in the same bed
and if he is a good man and you acully get married.......isnt your children's
emotional well being worth waiting 2 share a bed with your "future husband"???????????????????????????????

Dove - posted on 05/02/2013

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You just started dating in February and are already talking marriage... and you've introduced at least 5 men into your kids lives in only 4 years.... I think you should stop focusing on men entirely and focus on your kids and their mental and emotional stability. Focus on THEM first.... as is your JOB.

Anika - posted on 05/02/2013

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I usually don't post, but i just cant believe that you see no problem with allowing different men to sleep in bed with your young children. They depend on you to protect them, yet your allowing different men such access. This is beyond me. You need to seriously think about putting them first and protecting them! As for deciding to marry someone after just 2 months usually i would just say its your choice, but again their are children involved. You cant possibly know all there is to know about this man, your compatibility or whether he is the right sort of person to have around your young and impressionable children. you need to get to know him and not have your children seeing you in bed with yet another man, after many more months of getting to know him you should introduce your children slowly, maybe inviting this man to dinner first. Your children should have time to adjust to a new situation instead of making them believe it is normal for men to be in and out of their lives and to see their mother in bed with men they dont know well.

Abby - posted on 05/02/2013

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Um you need to take a chill pill on the dating and sleeping with guys. This is not good for your kids to see one man after another come and go from your house. You need to spend time alone with a man and not in your home or bed before you decide to introduce them to the kids. If after a few months or so you feel this guy is the one then go ahead an have him over for dinner with you and your kids. Until then just date the guy and leave the kids out of it

Ev - posted on 05/02/2013

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I have read the other posts here and I am glad to hear that you all agree with the ideas the rest of us have come up with. I was hoping to see some sort of post from the poster as to how things were going. This is a concern for me. I would hope she had thought about what was said and started to work on it.

Tiffany - posted on 05/02/2013

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I am going to agree with what everyone else has been saying. Don't introduce this man to your kiddos, and for Christ's sake, don't marry the man. SLOW DOWN. My daughter was 10 months old when her biodad bailed, but he hadn't really been there in the first place. I'll admit I started seeing someone right away, but I had already known him for years, and we dated for two years before getting married. He's the only dad my daughter knows at nearly 4 years old, but we've been a family long enough for me to know that he'll still be there for her if we don't work out years down the line. Don't keep swapping out men, and especially not with your kids being aware of it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/02/2013

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Not OK! You aren't married yet. Your kids have already gotten extremely attached to the one person that you did allow to sleep with you, and may have a few issues with attachment now (although they may not).

What kind of example do you want to give your children? That it's OK to sleep with multiple men, because you're divorced? Or that it's preferably better to wait to share quarters (sleeping and otherwise) until the actual commitment has been made and finalized?

Bottom line is, you don't KNOW that he's going to be permanent. You aren't married yet. And even if you DO marry, the odds are not good in that the divorce rate (in general) is so high! I'm not saying you'd divorce a second time, but people do it all the time.

Be patient. You'll have the rest of your lives to share a bed and quarters.

User - posted on 05/02/2013

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No, it's not okay, because he's NOT permanent, not until he's taken the vows and you've got a ring on your finger.

Tracy - posted on 05/02/2013

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I agree with the other moms here. I was a single mom and I refused to date at all because I watched my friends have to adjust to boyfriend after boyfriend that their moms would bring home. Kids need to know who they can count on. They need to know that the people they care about DON'T leave. But you are teaching your children that once they start to care for someone, they leave. There is absolutely NO reason for any of these men to be meeting your children. It sounds like you are not so much looking for a significant other but for a replacement daddy. A man that from the moment you meet, he is ready to play the daddy role to your children. This is not healthy for your kids. Also, does this new man of yours have kids of his own? If yes, is he really ready to take on more kids? If no, does he fully understand after just TWO MONTHS what it is to be a dad (or at the very least, the spouse of a woman with children in the home) and what responsibilities he has to take on? I would plan a long engagement and live separately for quite a while before moving him in. Let him see what role he will be taking on. It might be fun and games right now, but what about when his entire paycheck goes to supporting your kids? What about when he wants to go out but can't because there are kids to consider (unless you just dump the kids on a babysitter all the time - which also isn't good for the kids)? Make sure he's in this for the long haul before adding him to the family.

I think you should ask your mother's opinion on all relationship issues and follow her advice at all times.

Michelle - posted on 05/02/2013

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I never comment on these boards, but Tanya you have me scared to death for your children. I will shout out what everyone else has said...NO MAN should be sleeping with your children!! And for any man, especially a man who has known you for only 2 months, to think it is OK for him to sleep with your children - shouts out that he has problems! The fact that you have dated 7 men in 4 years - and introduced your children to 5 of them makes me tremble. I strongly feel, especially since your children are all very young, that NO MAN should be brought into their life until you have dated them NO LESS than 6 months....and preferably a year. When we date we are all on our BEST behavior for at least 6 months, then the REAL person starts to emerge (when the new-ness wears off). Like all the others have said, I think some kind of counceling would be great for you as it seems (only from your post here) that your self esteem is low. You need to know, for yourself and your children, that you do NOT NEED a man to survive or to be happy...You can survive and support your children! You can be happy and have a happy family without a man in it! Sure, life MAY be easier with a second income - but you can't put that above the well being of yourself and your children. Slow down...get to know this man....YOU get to know him, not your kids, YOU. It should be a privledge to get to meet your kids...something someone has to earn...by proving themselves over a long period of time. This man, or any man for that matter should not be living with you and your children (or staying the night) until you are married or at the very least engaged (with a ring and date set). He can stay over when the children are away for the night...it may put a damper on your sex life, but trust and believe that it will either strengthen and deepen your relationship or he will leave because he wasn't really "the one" after all. Good Luck

Ev - posted on 04/28/2013

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I have to also agree with these ladies as well. Going into a relationship so soon after others is a red flag. Having the kids meeting the men you date soon after starting this dating cycle is not good for them. Besides the attachement issue with a new man there is also the issue of what I see through all the other posts: You are not putting your children first. It is important for them to be first right now. They need you more than any man does. They can not fend for themselves at their ages in a lot of ways. They need to know you are there for them. They need to know that you do love and care about them more than you are showing them. I am a divorced mother of two: one is an adult now but the other is a teen and still home. I have not dated because I thought it more important to be there for them. I am also in a joint custody venture with their dad too. But he is the primary care parent--they lived or live in his home most of the time. We both have to agree to the major issues that come along. Because I made this choice, I was able to be there for them all the way since the divorce. I was able to help them cope with step moms and step siblings when troubles arose by listening to them, to play with them, to guide them, to be someone they could trust, honor and respect. I had to hear those but in the long run I did. If you keep this behavior up, you are going to loose their trust, honor and respect for you and maybe even their love. Put them first.

As for a boyfriend sleeping with the kids, that is a big NO-NO! Not only the predator of children issues but just that fact he is not even dad or step dad. That is just not kosher.

I have to agree, you all need family therapy and even individual therapy. Work on your family and yourself first. Jumping into a relationship right after a divorce with kids in the picture is inviting major disaster at some point.

Please take this advice. It could save things in your life.

Kristi - posted on 04/28/2013

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I agree with these ladies. I was with my 2nd husband for almost 8 years. That was very difficult on our kids when we separated. More so for my stepson because his biomom basically bailed on him and I raised him from age 18 months. His dad cheated and split up our family and then had another girlfriend soon after. My son did not respond well at all. My ex no longer brings home women unless Jay is at a sleep over.

I struggle from mental health issues and emotional problems, too. I tried everything to get my husband to stay with me. I forgave every infidelity because I didn't think I could ever function or survive without him and he loved and cared for my daughter very much.

I had to learn how to stand on my own two feet. I absolutely did not want my daughter to think she HAD to have a man in order to be happy. I didn't want her to think it was ok to be humiliated by a man.

You're teaching your daughters that they need a man, just like Sarah pointed out. You are also teaching your son that it is ok and normal to expect sex from a woman right off that bat.

It is no wonder he is acting out. He needs, wants and deserves attention. He's feels he is not getting what he needs from you so he found another way to get some. Any man is better than no man, any kind of attention is better than no attention.

You might think about getting some therapy and putting your kids' needs before your own. Take it from me, a father figure isn't always it.

**My letter I is stuck in capital for some reason so it looks like lower case L...sorry it makes things hard to read.**

Sarah - posted on 04/27/2013

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Personally I think you are rushing into relationships pretty fast. I would say have NO men in your life for awhile and work on your issues.

As far as men and your kids.....you should not be having that many men coming and going in and out of your children's lives. Don't introduce them into your drama! Before introducing your kids to any man you should have a RING AND A DATE!!! Talk of marriage or thinking you are going to marry someone is totally different then having a ring and a date. You should not be having men sleep over until after you are married!! What you are teaching your kids is that men come and go, women are not worth anything without a man, and any man is better then no man, and it is ok to sleep with multiple people. Do you want your daughters doing this?

Also NO MAN SHOULD BE SLEEPING WITH YOUR KIDS!!!!! I CANNOT SAY THAT LOUD OR STRONG ENOUGH!!! THAT SPELLS BIG BIG BIG TIME TROUBLE! SICK MEN KNOW WHO THEY CAN GET IN BED WITH TO BE ABLE TO MESS WITH THE KIDS!

Jodi - posted on 04/27/2013

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Yeah, I think it is way too soon. Really, you shouldn't be allowing this in your child's life until it is reasonably long term and stable. If you are planning on being married in couple of months anyway, why not wait until then? But 3 months, especially given you started in this relationship only 2 months after the last one, is way too soon. Can I just say that 5 men in and out of their life in 4 years is probably a bit too much for them?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/27/2013

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You are still getting to know this man, and so are the kids. Just remember, they are being impacted by this also, and really need time to emotionally and physically adjust to a new man living in their home and taking on a parental role. 2 months is just not long enough for them....or even for most adults.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/27/2013

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Well, I would hold off on interaction like that until you are married....just taking into consideration how many men they have had the opportunity to meet that have left. But, whey would they need to see you sleeping in the same bed?

You have been with this man for a whole 2 months. Give the kids time to adjust. I am airing on the side of agreeing with your mother.

Tanya - posted on 04/27/2013

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So, since I'm marrying this man, you think it's OK to have them see him in the same bed as me, as long as they are not sleeping there, as well - since he is a permanent part of their lives?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/27/2013

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And, in no way in hell would any man but their father be sleeping in my childs bed with them., That is very scary to me.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/27/2013

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I wouldn't be so concerned about the kids seeing you and him sleeping in the same bed as much as I would having so many men in and out of the kids lives that they are growing attached to. This is not an attack, this is just me being worried about your kids. Kids become attached to people quickly, and it hurts when people leave. They don't understand this. This is not a very long relationship, and you are an adult. I am not telling you what to do, but please....if this relationship ends before marriage, think about prolonging introducing the next man in your life to the children until you have spent a long time dating.

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