Divorced Mother in New Relationship and Expecting Needing Advice

E.V. - posted on 06/06/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have been a single parent for 10 years now following a nasty divorce with my ex-husband. While I've dated, the last thing on my mind was to get remarried or have another child after that experience. Then came along my significant other whom I fell in love with and changed my mind on both marriage and having another child, as we are expecting. When I got involved with my partner, I laid all my cards out on the table that I am divorced with a tween. He helped his ex raise her son from a prior relationship, but I did not know their actual relations until 2 months later when the drama started for he assumed that I knew the boy was not his son. I had to be his rock and witness him break down every month because of his ex over the boy while dealing with my ailing stepfather's health due to cancer. Two weeks after my stepfather passed we got into our first real hurdle as he had a mental breakdown and within the same 24 hours professed to wanting to be each other's last love then telling me he wanted to be alone to figure out his life as things were going "1000 miles per minute" for the ex started trouble over the boy. He broke my heart, as I was never able to comprehend how you can want to be someone's last love one minute and be alone the next all within the same 24 hours. Mind you we were already talking about the future together of moving in together and starting a family. Time passed and right before Christmas we found out that I am expecting. It was through the first trimester pregnancy screening that I found out I contracted something from him, which he brushed off and did not advise the ex about (he said he's only been with the two of us). He picks up the boy twice a month for a weekend, the boy has his own room in his house and he runs to the boy. I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant, categorized as high risk and have been going through this pregnancy mainly by myself and feel like it's not fair to me or our daughter, his first biological child to be treated like second class citizens. The ex contacted me to inquire about how she should handle their relationship with our daughter coming. I think that he can still be a part of the boy's life with the proper respect by the ex, but that he should go home after spending time together instead of sleeping over and having his own room when we are about to embark on the beginning of our new family. The ex is also in a new relationship where she lives with the boyfriend, so I think the boy should be getting to know her new suitor if they are living together and he may become the boy's stepfather in the future.

I don't know if I'm over-reacting with the increase in hormones but I almost feel like I'm better off alone since the baby and I are not a priority to him and he feels that he has to choose between the boy or me and our child, which he turned his back on the baby and I three times already for the boy due to his ex. A side note is that this is a long distance relationship, for I'm in New York and he's in Maryland.

How would you respond and/or act if you were in my shoes?

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E.V. - posted on 06/07/2015

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Greetings Evelyn,

Thank you for taking the time to offer me some feedback.

There are no legal ties or obligations between my partner and the boy and his mother. He has been in the boy's life for over 5 years now from my understanding. My partner just picks up the boy from his grandparents (the ex's parents) house every other weekend.

According to my partner, has has only been with the ex and I and from what I understand there are cheating allegations between both parties. As I said in my response to Sarah, I was the one to break the news to the ex to get herself checked up. Luckily the infection has been cleared up and my doctor was kind enough to prescribe extra medication for me to give him so that we could be treated at the same time for mine and the baby's sake. He has yet to get retested though I said he needs to. I am just thankful that the doctor caught it and continue to monitor me closely, as I'm high risk, so that our baby will be okay. It's something I will not forget for if it were not treated and cured in time, our baby could suffer dire consequences and she does not deserve that.

We used to see each other every other weekend, when I would take the train to Maryland, but I've started distancing myself for two months now after having a talking with him. I've blown through my PTO days as I mentioned in Sarah's reply and I could really use those days for the baby after she's born. I am now seeing an ob in New York and trying to focus on the baby and I. He's only come to New York to see me 6 times within the pass year and been to a handful doctor's appointments for the baby.

He picks the boy up from his grandparents house Friday evening after work and they play video games and watch tv. The boy will stay until Sunday morning. If I'm there with the boy at the same time then we'll go out. Though the boy is not a fan of mine as
I have rules and makes him say "please", "thank you" and will not allow him to jump on furniture or be disrespectful to myself or my partner. I just sat my partner down in the beginning of last month to have a serious heart to heart and he said if he were legally tied to the boy then he's stop with the visitations for it's not his child nor should he have to support the boy when he's not his child. Obviously, I see it differently for after that talk and him coming off as he understands and agreeing that we need to focus on our relationship and the baby, his actions show otherwise.

E.V. - posted on 06/07/2015

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Hi Sarah,

Thank you for your feedback. I was the one to break the news of our pregnancy and me contracting something from my partner to his ex for I told her that she should get herself checked up too if he's only been with the two of us, as he claimed. Once I told the ex, the boy also found out and I turned out to be the bad guy for breaking the news and not letting him tell them on his terms. I was beyond angry, hurt and scared. I just thank g-d that treatment was successful and my test came back negative after medication, but I will never forget it as it could of lead to deadly consequences for our baby, which is not fair to her. I've been doing as you say and have slowly distanced myself within the last two months after I sat him down and had what I deem a serious heart to heart about everything. I stopped traveling to Maryland every other weekend and told him that it's his turn to put in the effort if he wants to see me and the baby. Within the last year he has only come to me in New York six times and says he doesn't come or do things for I don't give him the chance and count him out before evening giving him the chance. I say he has chances all the time, but he chooses not to do so for I see him making the choice to pick up the boy every other weekend. Yet, when it comes to being there for me or the baby it becomes "I work and my job is not as flexible as yours" or "I'll try". He keeps saying how the baby and I are his priority, his world and everything to him but I don't feel or see it that way. . . :/ I mean I've been blowing through my PTO days at work to take the time off to go to get medical attention in Maryland instead of New York for the baby, just so he can be involved and his response was that was my choice and I did not have to do it, if the end result is me throwing it in his face.

I just feel bad that the baby has to be going through this roller coaster with me and unfortunately I can't turn off my thoughts or feelings to shelter her from what has been going on. I keep trying for her sake, but I'm tired and am losing hope.

Sarah - posted on 06/06/2015

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Hi E.V.
I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. And being pregnant definitely does not make the situation any easier. Especially if you are really hormonal. I completely understand you wanting to be a family with this man. That is only normal.
Before you, he was in a relationship with a woman and her child became his stepchild. He took on that responsibility himself. It would be wrong for him to just forget about that child, because the mother has a new suitor in her life. The child probably looks at him as being a father figure. If he wants to continue being that childs father..even though there isn't any blood relation..he has every right to. And it is not that childs fault, and he should not have to suffer not having a father because you think the new suitor should fill in that spot.

Now, as far as your relationship. The part that really aggravates me is the fact that you contracted something from him...and he isn't even telling the other woman about it either. That to me tells me that he didn't have enough respect for you right off the bat, and giving you something did not matter. Knowing you are already a single mother..whose child completely depends on you. That is wrong on so many levels. You should feel really angry. And shame on him, that to me is evil. He tells you one minute that he basically wants to spend forever with you...you two are planning your lives together etc... then the next minute he needs his space. Give him the entire universe. Don't pine after him. He is playing with your heart and emotions and you deserve way better than that. So does your child and unborn baby.

Long distance relationships are difficult. I did it twice...first time didn't work out and prior to it being a long distance relationship we were together for 3.5 years. Within 1 year of it being a long distance relationship it ended. The second one...that relationship was built on a long distance relationship...after one year of it being that way we moved in together and two years later we got engaged...got married and had a baby. I always say if things are meant to be it will happen. Don't chase after something that isn't there or something that is just going to keep on disappointing you time and time again.

If I were in your shoes, I would take it slowly..very slowly. He has proved himself in such a negative way that for me it would take some bit of convincing to prove otherwise. If he wants to be apart of your unborn childs life..great. But don't allow him to toy with her emotions or heart...and definitely don't allow him to make her feel not important. If he is going to be a father he has to be 100%..not a part time father. If you two are still living out of state...that will be difficult...arrangements will most likely have to be made. But he can be a good father out of state..it just might be a little more difficult. If he wants it bad enough he will make time. I personally would focus your child now, your baby and of course yourself. Worrying isn't going to help you...plus stress isn't good. Focus on what you can make positive...and let everything else unfold the way it is supposed to.

In the end, if he wants to be a part of your babys life he will. He will find the time. Do not force it on him. Just do what is right for your little family now...that is all that matters.

I wish you the best of luck! I hope you have a beautiful healthy baby!!!

Ev - posted on 06/06/2015

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I am not in your shoes.

I can say it would bother me if this man is not able to make his mind up about anything right now even after finding out he is going to have his first child ever.

What is their visitation arrangement? Is he even legally this boy's father though he has been in the boy's life for a long time? Does he have legal obligation to this child at all? That is a set of questions that came to mind when you described this situation.

Also, if you contracted an STD from him where did it come from? I would have demanded he get tested then and there because at that he is likely hiding something from you.

As for a long distance relationship, how often are you two seeing one another? If I were you I would lay the cards out again for him and tell him he needs to think about his coming child, his first bio child and about his obligations to the boy legally. I would also demand he tell you what he is doing on those off hours of "visits" with the boy. Is he really at the house? Or does he go else where?

There are just too many question marks here.

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