divorced parent

Pinky - posted on 07/20/2015 ( 11 moms have responded )

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please can someone tell me how do I get custody of my children if my ex husband has sole custody my 17 year old daughter has been living with me since our divorce and my two boys aged 10 and 14 live with him he is not being the father to his boys like he should be he leaves them alone all the time does nt feed them properly he does not buy anything for them he does nt pay school fees I pay him maintenance and I still buy everything for my children I support my daughter he does nt give a cent towards her needs but he has custody of her. I do not have enough money to support them by paying school fees and all there needs but all my money goes on my children every month he does nothing to help I take them food in the week because he does nt cook for them 14 year old and 17 year old hate there father the boys want to live with me I don't know what to do he lies to them all the time about what he is doing does nt give them pocket money. I am at my wits end he hit my 17 year old daughter on Saturday night because she confronted him someone he had in the house stole my daughters stuff as she was there for the weekend but the kids had slept out by friends please I don't know what to do anymore....

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Michelle - posted on 07/20/2015

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All of us have said to get a lawyer. We are Mothers just like you and don't know all the laws regarding custody and child support where you live. None of us have claimed to know either. That's why you have been given the advice to get a lawyer and go to court.
If all you have at the moment is a verbal agreement, then like Jodi said, it's not worth anything. You need to get things sorted out legally through the courts.

Michelle - posted on 07/20/2015

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You need to get a lawyer and go back to court. If your daughter is living with and he has custody, you could be seen as in contempt of the court orders.
She is 17 though and almost considered an adult.

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Sarah - posted on 07/21/2015

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I am confused (like I often am) If this has been the arrangement for the last 6 years, what suddenly changed? I get that your daughter had an incident but she lives with you already. If you have a court order for support; pay that and no more. You singed a custody agreement without consulting an attorney? I read the whole thread and I hear your frustration, but why have you decided it need to change now?

Jodi - posted on 07/20/2015

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"What part of my post did you not understand Jodi"

Well, considering your lack of punctuation, your post was very difficult to read and comprehend, so let's just get THAT out of the way and not get snarky at people who may not have quite understood what you were trying to say. Besides the fact, NOWHERE did you say you were paying child support - you said you were paying for their food and clothes. That's different. And NOWHERE in your diatribe did you say you were paying child support for the one who was living with you.

Secondly, you said you only had a VERBAL agreement with him, not that it was a LEGAL agreement about the custody arrangements.

"Jodi came across as attacking me"

No, just giving advice based on your long, punctuation free post.

Get a lawyer. That's my advice. It sounds like the court orders you may or may not have (I can't tell one way or the other) are not being followed anyway.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/20/2015

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So you've been violating your court ordered custody agreement.
Stellar.
If you don't have proof, actual, physical proof of what your children are telling you, then you have no leg to stand on.
First: ABIDE BY THE COURT ORDERS. Start gathering solid proof of your allegations.
Get an attorney and request a change of orders with your proof.
To summarize: You need PROOF of allegations. You need to hire an attorney, and go back to court to handle this in the legal manner. What you have been doing so far is NOT legal.

Raye - posted on 07/20/2015

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You need proof because anything you or your kids say can be biased. If the children have been to counseling and you can get the counselor to offer testimony regarding their well-being while at their father's that is one thing. If you only have your own opinions to offer, the judge will listen to what you and the kids say, but he will listen to what the father has to say also. The judge knows that personal opinions are based on emotions, and emotions are subjective, not conclusive. Unless you have proof, it's all hearsay and conjecture, and provides a much more difficult task for the judge to try to discern the facts from all versions of the story.

So, what specific advice are you looking for that we're not providing? You want validation that you're right and he's wrong... well that's probably so, but we only have one side of the story.
Is it wrong that you would pay support to the ex for your daughter that lives with you? Yes. But the only way to get that changed is to go to court and have them reevaluate the support arrangements.
Is it wrong that you feel you have to take food over there to feed them because he "doesn't feel them properly"? Maybe, maybe not. It's your choice to do so, and it's your opinion that his methods are inadequate. The kids are actually old enough they could be preparing meals for themselves. It is their father's responsibility to have food available in the house. If he doesn't then you should be bringing that up to the court's attention and they will investigate that claim.
Is it wrong that he doesn't give them pocket money? No. Kids don't need pocket money if their needs are taken care of. The parent should have chores or other ways for the child to earn their pocket money. It's not a right, it's a privilege.

Just because he's not doing things the way you would do them doesn't mean it's neglect or abuse. That's why you need proof, and that's why you need to go to court... so an impartial third party can evaluate the situation and see if changes need to be made based on actual circumstances, not just what someone may feel is wrong.

And, I don't feel any of us are attacking you. Just because we say something that you don't agree with is not an attack. And this type of attitude may be part of the problem in dealing with your kids and your ex... jumping to conclusions and going off half-cocked at every perceived infraction. Calm down... breathe a little.

Pinky - posted on 07/20/2015

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@Raye I understood michelle post Jodi came across as attacking me I know full well that it took two people to make my children but it is only me who is doing anything for them I was told I have to go to a high court to fight for custody and I was told it is very expensive that is why I was asking but thank you so much for all your input clearly none of you understand what it is to go through something like this. And also the law was changing on the been 18 years old to 7 or 8 years old where they can choose where they want to be. so I guess no one can actually offer me the advice im looking for besides get a lawyer. and why would I need proof when my 3 children aged 10 14 and 17 can tell you anything you want to know and any judge or lawyer they are living the life... all I want is my children.....

Raye - posted on 07/20/2015

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What part of Jodi and Michelle's posts didn't YOU understand? They said you need to go to court and get the custody and support arrangements changed by court order. If you have PROOF that he neglects the kids, then you need to submit that to the court. You can't go in there with a bunch of wild accusations that you have no proof of. Get a lawyer. Take it to court. Don't let him being a police officer intimidate you. The court should look at the FACTS. The kids are probably old enough that the court should consider who they want to live with, but you should still get a lawyer to help you with the laws in your area.

Pinky - posted on 07/20/2015

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What part of my post did you not understand Jodi I pay for everything and pay support for all 3 children to my ex he does not spend a cent on them he does nt even use the maintenance on them I have been divorced for 6 years and I buy my kids clothes and get them what they need all the time... he does nothing for them he works late at night they eat spar food he earns double my salary. he lies to the kids all the time he hit my 17 year old daughter on Saturday night because she said he is lying to her someone stole her clothes out her bags some girl or whoever he had over while the kids slept out. you completely not getting the picture I want my kids he is a policeman and 6 years ago thought he was above the law by making me sign them over to him he made my life hell for 6 months I could nt see my children I want sole custody of my children they do not want to live with there dad anymore they want to come to me hence the can someone please tell me what I have to do to get sole custody. he gambles his money away every month does nt pay school fees I buy them there school clothes and school stationary he does nothing he is responsible for there school fees and medical costs last year my daughter had jaw surgery I paid 16000 which I borrowed from work shortfall of what medical aid did nt pay he paid nothing he does not even stick to when the kids can come and when they cant they come when they want because he wants to get rid of them my daughter has been with me since my divorce in 2009 but the boys stay with him. and I support my daughter fully + I pay her maintenance to my ex husband really and I am supposed to support her I do all everything possible for my children they are my life. that is why I want them away from him.

Jodi - posted on 07/20/2015

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A verbal agreement isn't worth anything. It isn't a legal agreement. You need to set up custody and visitation LEGALLY.

If he has two of the children and you have one, then sorry, but you are supposed to support her and possibly would be required to pay some amount of support for the others. it isn't his job to support all of the children - that's your job too. If you aren't happy with the support arrangements regarding the children, you need to file for child support orders too.

Pinky - posted on 07/20/2015

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he gave her to me the day our divorce was finalised my boys want to live with me to not him. that was a verbal agreement between the two of us once the divorce was finalised she comes to me.

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