Do any mum's have advice?

Claire - posted on 02/27/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I've had another parent (who happens to be my best friend) over at my house accusing my 8yo daughter of bullying her 8 yo daughter, these kids have been friends since nursery school, and this school year they were put in different classes. My friends daughter is extremely sensitive and very introverted, and mine has upset her by playing with other friends. It's simple a case of growing apart - one's a tom-boy and one's a right wee girl - hence the different groups of friends. My friend's daughter has told her teacher that my daughter is ignoring her and excluding her, and the teacher has told my friend (who works within the school) that she's monitoring the situation with respect to her daughter's feelings, though the school have not contacted me. I've never had any problems with my daughters behaviour when she's at school, though I'm well aware like all little girls she isn't always an angel. It's my intention to contact the school tomorrow and find out what the situation is.....do any mum's have advice for dealing with this?

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Michelle - posted on 02/27/2012

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She needs to be giving her daughter the tools to cope with this instead of fighting her daughters battles.



Just a little story for you: I've just have my Husband's sister, her husband and kids out here from Canada (I'm in Australia) for the last 2 weeks. The kids are 18yo girl and 13yo boy and they are babied more than my kids who are 10yo, 8yo and almost 2yo! These kids weren't even allowed to put their own sunscreen on!!!!

I look at these kids and wonder how they are going to cope in life without Mummy there all the time. The 18yo if off to Europe with school in a couple of months and she's going to have to grow up quick.



The reason I told this is I can see the other mother bringing up kids like these. I can see these kids not doing well in higher education or the workplace because if someone tells them off or to do something or even doesn't get along with them how are they going to cope?



I know as mothers we want to do everything to protect our children but we also have to let them know that life isn't always how we want it to be. It's how we teach them at a young age to deal with it that determins how it will affect them later in life.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/27/2012

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Wow, Claire, is this mom going to follow her baby all the way through University, and make her friends play with her the whole time?



She apparently forgot what it was like to grow up! Its not just girls who do this, they ALL do this. Nothing will be gained by forcing your daughter to play with a child that she no longer desires to have in her circle of friends, and this mother shouldn't be so insensitive to try and push her daughter into a situation where she will not be welcome.



We all know that younger kids can be monsters when it comes to feelings, and there's really no way around that. If your daughter is in a different class, and starting to make different friends, perhaps it's time for the other little girl to make some new friends of her own. Being shy and introverted will not help, but again, if her mother's going to follow her through life, she'll have a lot more to worry about.



Yes, during school breaks, they'll probably start hanging around together again, and if the other child's mother actually called that "scraping the bottom of the barrel", I'd be concerned about her opinion of her own child!



Good grief, if we were supposed to be friends for life, I'd still be in contact with that kid that lived across the way 40 years ago! Just be as gentle as possible with the other mum, because it seems that she may not realize that she can't control every aspect of her daughter's life. And, if your daughter DOES want to play this summer...be careful. Any woman who could refer to playing with her own child as "scraping the bottom of the barrel" wouldn't be above trying to make your daughter feel like the lowest piece of scum for "crawling back"...

Michelle - posted on 02/27/2012

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I honsestly think the other parent is over-reacting too much. Kids go through phases of different friends and we have to let them try and sort it out themselves.



The other parent really needs to let go of the apron strings a bit and try and help her daughter learn the skills to cope with it. Your daughter is not being a bully, she's being a normal kid who finds friends that have the same interests as her.



Are you friends with the other mother? Maybe sit down over a coffee and have a talk about it. Let her know that the girls have just grown apart and now have different interests. Even subtly suggest that she encourages he daughter to find some new friends.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/28/2012

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If it makes you feel any better, Claire, little boys are the same way...LOL...I thought I wouldn't have that drama, but I was sorely mistaken. :-)

Claire - posted on 02/28/2012

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Thanks Shawnn, I'm hopeful it'll all blow over soon, but I'm well aware how little girls can be.



I just reiterated to her that if she wants to play with her that's fine, if not, well thats ok too. I've sat her down and explained to her that she's free to make her own choices, other girls can't say who she can and can't play with, that's only for her to decide. She's quite strong-willed......so fingers crossed things will be fine.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/28/2012

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Claire, I did think of one thing last night...from my days as a playground aide when my kids were that age...



Make sure that your daughter's new friends aren't making snippy little comments to the other girl. You know how kids can get... "You're OUR friend now, you can't play with her"



But, as long as your daughter understands that she's free to choose her friends, it should be alright. I still think you're doing fine, and it'll all blow over soon.

Claire - posted on 02/28/2012

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Thx guys! Well todays update is as follows.....



I called the school today and explained the situation - of course I would like this to be resolved, but it's up to the kids - the school (depute head) havent heard, or been made aware of any disputes - in fact they told me that it just sounds like girls being girls and the whole situation seems to have been blown out of proportion, the exact scenario my other half and I concluded. For my part I've said to my 8 yo that if she wants to play with her that's fine, and if not that's ok too.



I don't feel it's something worth getting hot and bothered over, kids fall out all the time and more often than not they're back to being best friends the next day or so. As you say I can't fight every battle for her, but I can give her my belief that she has the ability to sort it out and deal with it herself.



So right now I'm satisfied to let things run their course, have informed the school if there's ever any issues to keep me informed so I can take the bull by the horns so to speak.



Thanks for your sensible advice much appreciated.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/27/2012

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Exactly, Michelle...That's the phrase I was looking for...LOL...I don't know why it was hiding, I use it all the time with my own kids!



Give them the tools to succeed. Whether that's in making friends, or getting through school. It's our job to give them those tools and teach them to use them, not follow them!



We're on the same page there, Michelle! I work at a University, and you'd be amazed at how many mums I deal with because "Johnny is failing this" or "Suzy just needs a couple more days on that"...



My kids don't get that treatment, and they're in middle and HS.



Claire, best of luck!

Claire - posted on 02/27/2012

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Yeah we've been friends for a good while now. She came over within 5 minutes of me coming home from work tonight, she didn't bring her daughter with her who was too upset. All gun's were blazing, my daughter was in the kitchen with me doing her homework while I was preparing dinner, basically to summarise, her kids wouldnt be let away with that and I need to do something about it and that since my daughter wasn't saying anything to defend herself that said it all (my kid's only 8!) and my daughter would come back during the summer (and I quote) 'to scrape the bottom of the barrell and play withher daughter when there's noone else'. I suggested that maybe we should just let them alone, since girls will be girls and are always falling out and in. I don't doubt that there's truths to both sides of the story but I don't think think it constitutes bullying, my daughter is naturally more extroverted and enjoys company since she's an only child (my step-kids dont live with us), whereas the other wee girl is the middle child of 2 brothers.

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