Do any of you feel overwhelmed and underappreciated?

Delia - posted on 11/03/2009 ( 36 moms have responded )

5

3

1

Im sure you all do at times. I have five children the oldest almost nine years old, 4 year old, three year old, two year old and an eight month old. My husband goes to school full time and I am a stay at home mom. I do everything in the household from taking care of the kids, cleaning, shopping, taking my husband and kids to and from school daily and I feel like I never get a break. I dont want to make my husband feel like he is a bad father but he does nothing really but once in awhile change diapers and make bottles. He also cooks food for them every now and then. I have mentioned to him that I am overwhelmed and he never says anything. I think I give more to the relationship than he. When I voice it to him he fixes his behavior for awhile. I am so stressed out sometimes but I dont wanna hurt our relationship by exploding and saying the wrong thing to him. Also I dont want the kids to hear me saying things to their dad. If telling his hasnt helped...what more can I do? I feel like I am carrying the whole load. We have been together for six years and married for two.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Betsy - posted on 11/05/2009

469

22

22

ITA with Patricia! Also you may have to change asking for help. We have 5 children also. I never ask for him to do any part of parenting. Asking menas that he is doing you a favor, helping with your responsibilities. That's not what it is....these things are both of your responsibilities. From baby #1, I never set it up where the dynamic was him changing a diaper was helping me. It is just being a parent. With 5 now, he knows to jump in and do what needs to be dobne, but if he doesn't see it on his own, I will say Anthony needs to be changed, but Cheyenne needs my help with homework, so you can take him or Daddy will get you a drink while mom is doing the dishes. That is splitting parental duties, not him doing me a favor. Don't ask for help, expect it. Hand him a diaper, then go handle what other thing that needs handling. Asking means they can answer yes or no....that's not part of parenting. Being a parent means things need to be done whether you want to or not, and he is just as much of a parent as you! Alter your demeanor and expect him to be a parent. You should not have to beg him to be one.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

36 Comments

View replies by

Ginny - posted on 04/24/2012

30

0

3

Being a mom can be so hard. What I've noticed by working through my own feelings of overwhelm and helping multiple clients with this issue is that we can handle the physical tasks most of the time, it's the emotional stuff that sends us over the edge. We might handle an enormous and never ending task list just fine most days, but if we are feeling tension and strain in our intimate relationship, or completely inadequate to handle a certain issue with the kids, or we're feeling stressed and powerless to solve financial or health challenges all the sudden that same task list will feel super heavy and bring us to tears.



There are simple techniques that are easy to do and really work to help clear and release the heavy and difficult emotions. What I've found is that when I'm feeling overwhelmed and I stop to work with my emotions, it's as though a thick and heavy mental fog is cleared and I can receive new ideas. Solutions just start to flow to me and everything feels lighter. I have found this incredibly helpful when I am struggling with one of my children and feeling like I can't get through to them.



Knowing how to clear and release difficult emotions is one of the most valuable skills we can learn as mothers. I wanted to help make sure that every mom knows how to use these simple techniques. They are fast and easy to do and they really work. I have posted them on my website so you can learn how to use them for free. You can download the audios that show you how at www.ginnywalker.com/free Here's to all of us discovering how to move from overwhelm to clarity! :)

Cindy - posted on 11/12/2009

15

27

0

I found to take time for myself & do what means the most to me, so I can be good to myself. I truly believe in "putting the oxygen" on myself first so I can help others....I felt overwhelmed & unappreciated, but then "stopped the world"-decided to take care of myself (since no one was really taking care of me) & now I'm much happier. I walk EVERYDAY to breathe easier, & I stop to smell the roses every chance I can. I come home- much more at peace with myself & the world..I can take on anything now......

Shikira - posted on 11/06/2009

2

28

0

I completly understand. I have been married for approximately 3 1/2 years but been together for many other years beforehand. I also have 5 children. It sounds as if he needs a reality check of marriage couseling. I know most men don't want to do it, but it is necessary if you want to save your marriage. Also, you need to somehow get some mommy time and independence. Its okay to find yourself and find out what you want to do in life. I'm a very independent woman and I was a single mom at one time. Men get intimidated. You have to want more out of life than stress. Get yourself together and let him know that you need to be respected and heard. I believe in working it out if you can unless it becomes abusive. I hope all is well and my family prays for you and your family. God Bless You!

Vicki - posted on 11/06/2009

2

3

0

Sometimes husbands just need a little perspective to understand what you are going through. I left my husband alone with with my son for one weekend and that offered him the chance to see what I do all day. I try to leave at least once a year (for a few days) just to remind him. Its good for him and the kids to get this time together and its a nice refresher for you to have the time away. Trust that he will take care of the children, but he will realize how difficult it is to do it all. My husband always has new appreciation for me when I return. Good luck.

Amy - posted on 11/05/2009

12

18

2

HI though I am sure you have heard enough people say it but I will add my bit just in case.

Your not alone we are human regadless of what others may think and it is some times easy for others to think that we are naturals and its all so easy to us but its not there are times when we feel that we are not on top of things and we cant handle it all with a smille on our face. I have been married for 5 years and with mine for 10 years and its not what anyone could call a dream marrage but it works and what i know is this, MEN cant handle the fear for falure punch them hit them stab them it hurts less, all men think that they are not good enough and that every one thinks they are the worse father and previder in the world. I know you need a rest and a bit more help would make a world of difference but please choose what you say carfully.

some of the wise woman I speak to have told me this gem always start by telling them what a great job they are doing and that you think that they should do that more "they do it better" even if its not that great once he is feeling that you appreacate what he does do then tell him how you feel that your tied and need a bit of time to rest. let him know you trust that he is able to do a great job and explain to him that the kids really do love it when they can help him and spend extra time with him with out mummy. its not a sure thing but I have found and little ego strokeing goes a long way and they really are soft on the inside.

By the way remmember that you are a good mum and your children will never remmber the time they had jaffels for tea but they will remmber the fun they had with you in the back yard.

Good luck and love to you and yours

[deleted account]

speaking from experience, crying wont help. i have been married for 24 yrs. when my first child was one month old, my husband got a promotion. from then on, i did EVERYTHING. i worked full time, did all of the child care, all of the running around for the kids, all of the housework. the only thing that i didnt do was cut the grass (and i did that on occassion). i have drug my husband to counseling twice (and it only helped for a month or so afterwards). while the kids were growing up, we had 2 fights a year, and always about the same thing, he was missing out on the kids lives as they grew up. if he were home, he could also have helped me a bit but it never happened. my oldest kids are 18 and 21 and they really have no use for their father now. i warned him but he wouldnt listen. he cant understand why they never answer his phone calls or talk to him (typical male behavior as far as i have seen). I am sorry that i have no idea of how to help you with the situation, i never got my own situation fixed but i just kept going. i have raised two, happy , healthy young adults (in college now) who i am very close to and am now helping to raise my 3 young nephews. i have done it all alone (and it was hard at times) but it is also the best thing that i have ever done in my life. i have all of these wonderful memories of the kids that my husband completely missed. yes it is hard now but it will get easier as they age. keep trying to get your husband involved but if he still refuses, just raise the kids as best you can with enough love to cover for both father and mother. try to look at the bright side (i know that is difficult sometimes, especially if the kids are cranky and is lying in his recliner while you run yourself ragged). try to enjoy the kids as much as you can, they grow up way too fast. i cant beleive mine are grown now. i talk to them both daily (college is out of town) but their father very rarely sees them or talks to them. in the end, i think that i got the better end of the deal, it was more than worth all of the work.
good luck

Shirley - posted on 11/05/2009

192

16

21

Oh Delia you are a SUPERWOMAN!!! as you said we all feel like this ( and I only have 2 daughters under 2) What you need is a holiday from EVERYONE. You need some timeout! I make my husband do a "daddy day" It is really important for him to bond with the girls, and have a day where he can experience what I do. Your husband doesn't have to do a whole day but maybe even half a day say a saturday afternoon, where you get to leave the house do something for yourself like your hair or nails, even just catch up with a girlfriend and go to a movie or coffee. personally I go to the gym and then to my parents place an dhave a bath, straighten my hair, put on a mask that kind of thing. I call it my mental health day lol. It is really important that you do something like this so that you can get some sanity and as a result you will find you are more calm and somehow a better mum. But you are truely amazing!! I take my hat off to you :)

Kelly - posted on 11/05/2009

1

6

0

Hey Delia,
you poor thing, hang in there. I have 5 children also, my husband and i both wook in demanding jobs and when we found out that the 5th one was coming we worked out how we could get through the full on demands of 5 children. Our children are now 12,7,4,2 and 9 months. We have a roster system in the house. My 12 year old daughter baths the 2 bubbas whilst my hubby is cooking dinner, im hanging out the washing and folding the washing and getting school stuff ready for the next day. my 12yr old unpacks/packs the dishwasher, my 7 yr old hangs the bath towels and pulls the bath plug and wipes the table down, and my 4 year old takes the rubbish out with me, my 2 yr old tries to help with the recycling, he gets a real kick out of contributing. With all of us pitching in on a daily basis our reward is a day out 4wding or just going for a walk to the park and having family time or taking the kids somewhere fun that they would like to go - like pocket money but we all enjoy it. The kids now love it and aprreciate it more because we now have time to do family things. I have a cleaner that comes in weekly, and a lovely ironing lady that does my ironing fortnightly. My hubby works from home on a Wednesday so i can go to work, this allows me to do the groceries on my own and gives me about 3 hours of freedom to just rome around the shops in a daze and enjoy myself. It can take a bit to get everyone sorted but it is really paying off now and we are a closer family because of it. My husband has been great because i worked most afternoons/nights and he had to play the dad role after an 8hr day at work, he soon appreciated my role and it helped with both of us being in similar roles. Have a chat with him and tell him what is bothering you and that you want an easier solution and more time for you and more importantly time for the both of you together, with everything in your life balanced out, it will make for a happier and healthier environment all round, after all if you come crashing down from being emotionally and physically drained then who will look after everything.
Take care and good luck.
Kelly

[deleted account]

I totally hear you. I have four kids, and I can imagine the load you carry. My husband is also a student, and with classes at odd hours and studying, preparing, needing quiet to concentrate, that leaves almost everything on you. And my husband's mind (your husband's too, sounds like) isn't in a place of noticing where I need help but of how to get his own stuff done with all the chaos a home and kids creates.

What I found helpful for us, is to praise and praise what he does do in a very specific way. Every little thing "thank you for taking the trash down to the street. I really did not want to carry the whole thing with everyone upstairs causing havoc until I got back. It really relieves my mind that you took it out. Thank you." And also to mention to the kids where he can hear "Isn't it nice that the smelly old garbage is out. Now our kitchen is such a nice place to be in." Almost excessive positive reinforcement, kind of like I do with the kids. But not sounding like I am talking down to him.

And also mentioning something specific he can do, to let him know exactly where I need help. "Would you please give this one a bath while I get this one in pjs and read a story? That would help the bedtime chaos go much smoother. Thank you so much." And then if he says no, say "Okay. Maybe next time. Do you think you would be able to do it tomorrow/next week/whenever (and give a specific day)?"

I noticed that giving him a chance to help in VERY specific ways, makes him look out more for those things and be more on top of it. And when I am nice when he says no, the thought that I need help in this area is still planted in his mind, and eventually (hopefully) he will pick up on it. But keep in mind this process is slow and steady.

And the positive feedback (especially in front of the kids or to his mother "You will not believe what a helpful son you raised!") does wonders.

He will not change in a week, but if you do this over the course of six months and then look back, you will notice a big change. Good luck with it all, we are rooting for you!

Just one more thing, I find that having some non-negotiable "me" time puts me in a much happier, more patient state. Sit down and come up with a time that works for everyone, where your husband deals with the kids while you leave the house for a few hours BY YOURSELF or with a friend. Or else that he will take out ALL the kids and leave you alone in the house for a few hours. If his schedule cannot accomodate that, get a sitter (budget it like you do food, your sanity is more important than food). Once a week to do this is not over the top, and it just gets me back on track for the next week. Maybe it will help you too. I find leaving the house works better than having the kids leave, because then I am not distracted by the dishes, toys all over, phone calls, etc.

And I like to write, so if I am really upset or angry about something, I write it all out in a journal, really all the hateful mean things I feel I just get it all out, even if I really don't like or want what I am writing (like "I wish you would lose your hands so you will know how it feels trying to eat a meal holding two children). Things I never mean really, but are running around my mind, I just pour it all out on paper. Then when I get through, I write two things I love or appreciate about my husband, just to help me get back on track. Just any small thing, but after feeling so negative it is good to reconnect to my husband's good, generous side.

All the best to you!

Kaysee - posted on 11/04/2009

7

2

0

I found that with my husband I just need to keep the communication lines open before I blow up. He's military and can't always be home so when he is I have to make sure I tell him or he thinks I can do it all. I have also given him tasks and a night to cook. Over time we have found what works for us. It is like anything else in a relationship though you have to keep communicating and keep experimenting until you find what works for both of you. I have also found that if I take an hour or two on one of his off days every cycle doing something just for me it helps. Personally I roam Barnes and Noble and get a coffee. It doesn't have to be anything grand just something that makes you feel like you and gives you break from the wonderful crazy that is being a mom. If that doesn't help you can go drastic and leave your husband to do your job for a day! As mean or dumb as it sounds that will help with appreciation. My husband had to handle my autistic son by himself while I was gone for work and has been wonderful ever since. When I stopped working we had a little rough spot, but we just started the tasks and his night to cook thing and everything has been working out great.

Tammy - posted on 11/04/2009

73

7

6

first of all, B R E A T H E!!!!! I also have 5 children, older now than yours. Being a stay at home mom to 5 children is more than a full time job. You probably won't believe this now, but it does get less hectic. It would be easier if your husband would help some, even if it is to to get a cup of coffee in peace and quiet. And sometimes you just have to take your keys and go, without cell phone! There is truth to the old saying "a man can work from sun to sun, but a woman's work is never done" My prayers to you

Heather - posted on 11/04/2009

3

38

0

WOW 5 kids and a hubby that doesn't help that is crazy! You need to plan a time to do something OUTSIDE the house at least once a month or you will break and it won't be pretty! As Moms we seem to take on the whole world and do everything, that way things get done and we don't have to redo them. But if you don't take sometime to yourself you will start to take it out on those around you and they won't understand. If you stay at home you won't really get a break. Though showers (when I can get them) are sometimes the only break I get. Hang in there, find a hobby or grab some friends and go out and relax for the evening. You will feel better and those around you will be happier too. Trust me I have been there. Good Luck!

Kate - posted on 11/04/2009

2

5

0

Hi Delia, well done for sharing how you feel. I know that it can be difficult to take the step of vunerability and admit that things aren't perfect, like in the ads. You have had some great replies. I would certainly agree with writing a letter to your man, or having a notebook that you (as a family) use to air problems - it's a great strategy that takes much of the heat and personal stuff out of an issue.
Another good point is that men don't understand subtle hints! Their world is far more black and white than ours, and direct requests for help - with an element of choice - is far better than dropping hints which they never get! Spend a few moments thinking about your day and pick out the two most stressful times/activities, then ask for his help with those - be really specific about what he can actually do - men are hands-on fixers. When he does help, reward him, praise him - do it from the heart and not patronisingly, but the same specific praise will work on him, just as it does with your younger children - they all want to please you and make you happy.
Do your kids have jobs they do to help you, like folding washing, basic food prep for meals, tidying up toys, setting the dinner table etc? Can you take this one step further and teach them to give each other, and more importantly you, a back or shoulder massage? Or have an afternoon where you all have fun with face packs, or paint each others toe nails - a bit of fun to give you all a laugh and make you feel good!
Lastly, do you appreciate yourself? If you get all your feelings of self worth from other people or the things that you do for others it is really easy to feel worthless and unappreciated cos it's really easy for people to take you for granted and forget to say thank you. Every night I try (before crashing into bed exhausted) to think of one thing I have done well, and give myself a pat on the back for it. Often it is something I have done for someone else but I make a really big deal of remembering, and acknowledging stuff I do for me. It is easy to mentally list the things that may have gone wrong in the day, or things you feel you could have done better, but it is far more powerful and positive to end the day thinking of the successes, and appreciate that you make them happen.
I am humbled by the fact that you have 5 kids, I have one and am 6 months pregnant with number 2. You have done a great job - and I wish you the strength and support to keep on going - hopefully with your man right by your side. Good luck.

Elita - posted on 11/04/2009

43

15

2

get someone to look after them while you have a relax and a good chat to the husband it will make both of you feel so much better

Debra - posted on 11/04/2009

6

7

1

Delia.....WOW u r a super mum :o) I feel for u, so much to do, so little support......I am leaving my partner and father of my 2 children (1 and 2yrs old) beacuse I don't feel it's a "united" relationship and I don't want my kids raised seeing us live seperate lives and not show each other enough love etc. U r in a completely differnt situation to me though, your husband is trying to educate himself for the better of his family (I hope) but he could still do a LOT more. Where as here.....he earns a lot of money, but is arrogant with it. The bread earner, makes me feel like a servant sometimes (a very crap servant!!!). Have u ever left him alone with the kids? Recently I blew my sevings and went away for 3 weeks ALONE to the UK and leaft him with the kids....man was he happy to see me when I got home, shame I didn't "feel" the love. If u can, u should try to have a weekend away with friends or family and leave him with the kids (trust lol)Actions speak louder than words......which is why I am leaving my partner. Best of luck xox

KI-KI - posted on 11/04/2009

8

3

0

WELL IM PRETTY SHURE HE DONT GO TO SCHOOL ALL DAY SO IF THATS ALL HE DO IS GO TO SCHOOL THEN YES HE NEEDS TO HELP OUT. THATS MORE THEN RIGHT. AND IF HE DONT THEN YOU NEED TO LET HIM GO CAUSE ITS HIS RESPONSEABILITY TOO. UIF YOUR DOING IT ALL BY YOUR SELF THEN YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE BY YOUR SELF

[deleted account]

First, if you are not a part of a mom's group, find one in your area. Try MOPS (MOPS.org lists locations), or check at the library for fliers about other local groups. This will give you a chance to hang out with other moms and recharge your batteries.
Second, nine years of marriage has taught me that men do not take hints well. Come up with a some specific things he could do and ask if he would be willing to take over some of them; be sure to give him choices. If that doesn't work, challenge him to take over your job for two days (including the night in between) and see if his perspective changes.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/04/2009

10

24

0

I understand where you're coming from. Me and my son's father have been together for 8 years now. and we are not married. This is our first child together and he is only 7 months. but since the day i had my son by C-Section, i was the one doing everything when i should have been relaxing. i cooked, cleaned, attended to the baby all threw the night and all threw the day.. and till this day it's the same way. i'm tired, stressed. and i want time to myself just like my fiance does. he leaves the house at 7:30am and doesn't come home sometimes untill 10:00pm at night cause he works.and i don't have my car anymore, and i would like to get out the house cause it gets to overwelming at times. i feel like you. you just don't know what to do anymore.

Rachel - posted on 11/04/2009

9

10

0

My thoughts are to set up a chore list. You are in charge of (make a list) and I am in charge of (make a list)...For example, my husband makes dinner, cleans up and helps out with my eldest son at night. I have an 8 week old and a 3 year old. He is a high school teacher.

[deleted account]

sounds like you really need help, can I suggest you write to supernanny.com,,,she has excellent ways to help out stressful situations. I hope this helps and I really hope you will contact supernanny before it's too late.

Michelle - posted on 11/04/2009

3

13

0

you poor thing! it sounds like you do everything! i think that you really do need to tell your husband how you feel! he may not know exactly how you feel, and realise that he does'nt do enough. you really need help and will just explode one day! i have a 5 yr old a 20 month old and 3 month old twins and also get very overwhelmed most days, my partner is very good though and helps a lot. he is a paramedic and works shift work but when he is home he helps because i told him that i refuse to do everything now. please talk to him!! you can't go on like this, x

[deleted account]

I love the commercial with the invisible mom. I ofter feel like that!
It is all about communication. I am guilty of it a lot too. Sometimes they just don't get that we need help unless they are always asked to do it. I guess if we manage it than they think it means we don't want or need help.

Jenny - posted on 11/04/2009

4

1

0

Children and the responsibilities involved bring a whole new dynamic to any relationship, whether you have one child or five as you do. Two things: One- I would try to get a babysitter one night and go out with your husband. Even if its not any special place- just getting away together sometimes can really help. I think it can really help to express how you feel to him during this time out and say it nice. We girls tend to have a harsh tone in our voices when we are stressed even if we don't really mean to talk like that. So think ahead of what to say and concentrate on saying it in a nice respectful way. My husband loves when I talk to him about things--but only if I am sharing things in a respectful manner. He probably misses spending time with you too. Our men are more sensitve than we can ever know because they tend to not show their feelings as easy as we do. But just talk with him when there is no stress around and see what happens.

Two- Try to enjoy that time staying at home with the kids. Get out by yourself when you need to, but remember that you are so blessed to be able to stay at home with your children. I cannot for financial reasons. And I miss my daughter tons. I would rather feel the stress of raising her than to be working all day away from her. I do know staying at home is hard though. I just wanted to remind you how great it is that you are able to raise your children.

Paula - posted on 11/04/2009

132

18

24

I have two kids. Money is really tight, my boyfriend works and I stay home and learn to be domestic while I attempt to take care of both kids (my oldest is 8 so he's in school all day) while one of them is really needy and is constantly wanting to be held and what not. Normally when she's sleeping we are either sleeping or running errands so I don't get to get stuff done around he house. My boyfriend works second shift and usually goes to work about 4:30 to get there by 5 and doesn't get home until anywhere from 12:00 p.m to 3:00...assuming that he doesn't end up having to cover third shift instead/as well. I am having issues with anxiety which makes my life even more difficult and it is during the most hectic parts of the day that I am expected to do it all alone. When my boyfriend is home, he likes to kick back and relax, play his video games and do what he enjoys rather then what just has to be done. If I say something about it, he reminds me that he works. Finally I started telling him that he may go to work every day, but I work, too. I just don't get paid for my job right now but it's no less tiring, frustrating and exhausting as his. I ask for help and he starts to help out more fora little while but then goes back to his previous behavior. I understand that he goes to work and needs time to relax and what not, but it's really annoying and upsetting to have to have the same conversations again and again, to have to break down and cry again and again due to the frustration and stress and anxiety and in an attempt to be appreciated. It's even worse having to fight again and again about the same things. My solution?

1.) When my boyfriend was constantly reminding me that he needed more sleep and relaxation and what not because he worked...I got smart. For two nights i grabed my big white board and I made a list of everything I planned to accomplish that night and checked each off as i accomplished it...no matter how seemingly small. Then if I accomplished anything off the list, I added that and checked it off. It didn't take long for my white board to be filled with writing. I also designated the upper left hand corner to a to do list for him which had a few (and I mean a few...like less then five things) that I wanted/needed him to do for me. I then made sure that I left the list where he couldn't miss it. He came home, found it and couldn't help but to be impressed by how much I accomplished. He then started to complain about his to do list, you know, since he just spent all night working, I pointed out how much I got done and pointed out that he could handle the few things on his list before he went to bed.

2. Then there are those things that a to do list strategically placed won't help. For those issues and instances, I just back off. I do what ever I can to put him in the same position that I am in regularly. I have him take care of the kids and help as little as possible and when he needs my help for something small, i remind him that I figure out how to do it every night. I also have just thrown up my hands and tell him to deal with what ever issue (like planning supper for a picky 8 year old, a really really picky adult, a picky adult who's not as picky and a elderly woman who can't eat some things for health reasons) and tell him to figure it out. Then when he agrees, I start acting like him, digging my heals in and refusing to eat certain things while insisting that he figures out how to feed everyone affordable so that everyone gets enough to eat. When it is all said and done, he starts to get it and realize that what I do isn't nearly as easy as it looks. He might revert back but I make sure to remind him about the comments he makes, like he doesn't know how I do it every day and how he couldn't do it.

My other piece of advice to you is, as others have said, find time for you. A baby sitter, a family member something. You need time for you. You need time to unwind and relax. If you don't, you'll only end up driving your self crazy, burnt out and unhappy. That is NOT in the best interest of you or your family...and if you are unhappy, the kids will know. They will be able to tell and it will effect them, too. Motherhood is not easy. It's the hardest job there is and there's no day off, no steady schedule that is unwavering, routine that is constantly being threatened or altered and a list full of jobs that are undesirable. At the end of the day, it's rewarding and more then worth it to have your kids, but under appreciated and more work then imaginable. Who doesn't need a break from that?

Hope I helped some!

Pamela - posted on 11/04/2009

711

9

6

Occasionally there are programs that have teens that help on a volunteer basis. Check your local area for such programs like Mother's Helpers.

BE VERY CAREFUL about measuring who gives what in a relationship!!! Remember that it was your choice to have the children. If you do not want more..TCB (take care of business). In the meantime, asking the DIVINE ENERGY for help works! You'd be surprised. Also remember that somewhere down the road the roles will reverse and the husband will feel like he is giving more than his share by being the bread-winner.

Life is about give and take. This is OBVIOUSLY your time to give, and give and give and give....but it will not last forever and your rewards will be fabulous when your children are older and you are no longer under the "daily gun".

Buy some meditation music and play it during the day as you go about your tasks. It will provide a calming effect for you and the children and you go about your daly chores. TRY IT....you might even LIKE IT!

[deleted account]

LOL - We have had many a laugh around here that the fathers come home from a day at work and just assume that we've done nothing but watch tv and play with the kids all day (regardless of how many children are involved)!! I have to admit Im pretty lucky that hubby helps out a bit but he does need a regular nudge in the right direction (although I also only have one child to worry about too)

Cassie - posted on 11/04/2009

7

41

0

I know the feeling, but I only have two children. My kids are my world and I love taking care of them, but it is exhausting at times. Daddy retreats to the garage when he is home and I never get any mommy time unless everyone is sleeping. All the chores are my responsibility because I am unable to work...problem is I am unable in the terms of being disabled and sometimes I can't get around too good. This makes it extra hard to take care of the house and the kids. When I am hospitalized, our kids have to stay with a family or friend so they are taken care of...partly cause of the hours my husband works and partly cause he can't do it all. When I come home from the hospital every dirty dish is waiting for me. It is ridiculous.

I want to point out my husband is a good man working 12 hour days 5-6 days a week to support us and it is not easy since we lost my wages when I became unable to work. He is left to feel as though it is all on him. I have talked to him and he too will help for a couple days and then back to the old he goes...I have tried just not doing the stuff hoping it would drive him crazy and he would do it...this worked in some areas but other areas it just drove me crazy.

My husband now does the laundry...this is his thing and the way I got him to do it was by not washing his clothes...when he was out of clothes he was out...LOL When he noticed he had no more clean underwear we had a little talk and it was very civil...he then took over the laundry. He may not do like I would or as fast as I would, but he does do it and it is one less thing I have to do. I would say have a conversation and then use the same philosophy we use with kids...reward him. Each time he does something to help you out make it a point to recognize it (even the little things) thank him and maybe even make him his favorite dinner. Show him the appreciate that you deserve and don't get...make him see how happy the help makes you.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck.

Lisa - posted on 11/04/2009

55

13

6

i know exactly how you feel my partner works every day and because i stay home with my 20 month old son he asumes i do nothing all day! he doesn't realise all the stuff i do, for examle cleaning 6 times a day, cooking tea, doing the washing ect... wen he comes home from work he doesn't even change a nappy or get my son ready for bed he just goes straight onto the computer or out with his mates, it is very hard to feel this unappreciated. We argue all the time about it and the only answer i ever get is that i should appreciate how much he works to put food on the table! he doesn't realise how difficult it is to look after my son he is a very hyperactive child who demands alot of attention i cant have a break because non of my family can cope with my child. the only thing i can really say to u is hang in there it will get better thats what im hoping anyway lol

[deleted account]




Della, you poor dear. You do so much with little help, and like all mothers you are too concerned with other peoples feeling than your own.  Try looking in on your family from the outside, and who is the most vital member of the family? You, so it is so important for all of your family that you take care of yourself.  I once wrote a letter to my husband and let him know my thoughts ans feelings, some times you need to put it into word so it stops spinning around in your head. Even is you don't give the letter to your husband to read, it can bring clairty to you. But sit your husband down when your not feeling tired and emotional and tell him you need a morning or afternoon to your self. Make it a regular thing, each week, month or fort night. take care of your self and chin up, you need some help so ask for it, and apply preasure if you are not heard. xo


Quoting Delia:

Do any of you feel overwhelmed and underappreciated?

Im sure you all do at times. I have five children the oldest almost nine years old, 4 year old, three year old, two year old and an eight month old. My husband goes to school full time and I am a stay at home mom. I do everything in the household from taking care of the kids, cleaning, shopping, taking my husband and kids to and from school daily and I feel like I never get a break. I dont want to make my husband feel like he is a bad father but he does nothing really but once in awhile change diapers and make bottles. He also cooks food for them every now and then. I have mentioned to him that I am overwhelmed and he never says anything. I think I give more to the relationship than he. When I voice it to him he fixes his behavior for awhile. I am so stressed out sometimes but I dont wanna hurt our relationship by exploding and saying the wrong thing to him. Also I dont want the kids to hear me saying things to their dad. If telling his hasnt helped...what more can I do? I feel like I am carrying the whole load. We have been together for six years and married for two.


 

Brenda - posted on 11/03/2009

1

5

0

I feel for you but hang in there if you love him. I am a mother of 4 and I have 2 step children plus a grandbaby that will be 2 in January. They all live with me except one of my stepsons( the one without the baby) and my son which is in college( which i still am paying the bills for) my one stepson with the baby is 22, then i have a 16 year old that was just in a very bad car accident( i thank God everyday that he is still with me) and I have twins that are 14. My son in college is 21 and my other stepson is 25. My husband and I have been together 19 years and been through alot!!! I have wanted to tuck my tail and run, but i will never find another man that has the love that my husband does. His ex wife has and still is after all these years still gives me greif , but love concors all. Just hang in there if you truely love him things will get better and easier just takes time.

Christina - posted on 11/03/2009

2

6

0

If i was you I would stop doing some of the things he expects of you like his laundry. Let him see how much you really do for him and maybe have a sit down and explain to him you cant do it all by your self. Just talk calm and the kids will see how adults handle their issues the right way. I have learned with my husband you have to comunicate, or the whole relationship goes down the drain. If you feel you cant sit and talk calmly then write him a letter. My husband and i have a notebook. that when we feel an aguement coming or we are just to upset to talk we write. And every one gets a turn to write what is on there minds and your point gets through alot better then yelling.

Crystal - posted on 11/03/2009

41

15

1

I agree with Christi, you need a break before you break! I have a 3yr old and 6 month old, my husband is a fireman so he's gone a lot in fire season. Just yesterday I had a mommy day, pedicure and lunch with a friend. My husband called me after five hours telling me how much he appreciated me and if he could he would give me a raise for all that I do. That's all I needed to hear that he understands and appreciates what i do on a daily basis. Try just a few hours for yourself and have him fill your shoes. Good luck

[deleted account]

Absolutely. Before I became a mom, I knew it would get overwhelming at times - I just never thought of how much. But, I still thank God for my two beautiful boys and think that a few years from now, they will be grown and independant, and I will wish that I would still have them to make me tired. So, hang in there. As for your husband, if have already talked to him and he hasn't listen (or chosen not to - maybe not intentionally) find a way to give yourself the time that you need. Maybe buy take out a couple of nights a week. Also, I know the economy is kind of bad for a lot of people, but, ask your husband to give you an extra allowance to hire someone to come and clean your house. At least once a week or every other week.

I wish you all the best and congratulations on your five kids - i'm sure you are tired, so hang in there.

Patricia - posted on 11/03/2009

2

3

0

I have 5 kids ,course mine r much older than you...i was there once.and yes its hard.sometimes you just have to pick up your purse and coat and say ill be back in awhile...done it...Take a break you deserve 1.Tell him that you understand that he goes to school,but you need help.My husband works 10 hour shifts and still comes home and helps clean up.It takes 2 with 5 kids or the 1 be drive their self crazy carrying the weight of it all.Go out with the girls.I know what it is to have 5 that close together,it takes a great mommy to be able to manage it..but you have to take care of you too.....

Christi - posted on 11/03/2009

1,038

34

75

i can't imaging doing it with so many children, i feel overwhelmed with just one. i have felt the same way before and my husband and i went to marriage counceling a few months ago and it was one of the most argued over topics. he thought it was 'my place' to do everything at home including doctors and bills and shopping, dinner, cleaning, laundry, mowing the yard and so forth. i told him that just because he goes to work for a few hours a day doesn't make him any better than me. i told him he couldn't last a week in my shoes, and he said he knew he could. so i went on a mommy vacations (aka my dad's house) for a week during the day and then came home and did nothing... like he does. in two days he was begging me to take back over. i told him i do alot for this family too, my work is just something that is behind the scenes and is just as important. you need to tell him that and also let him know that if you were to stop doing everything you do, the house would fall apart.



i would also suggest letting your children go to a nanny or to a day care for a couple of times a week just for a few hours so you can breathe and relax. my son goes to my in-laws once and week and i usually spend the time with my feet up watchin tv and doing nothing!



i hope this really works out for you. just let him know how it feels and if he doesn't believe you, let him handle it all for a few days, that should set him in perspective.



best wishes and god bless!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms