Do any other single mums have their toddler asking for dad??

Kat - posted on 05/07/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hi,
I am a single mum to my 3yr old son, i have been since i was pregnant with him but his father has come in and out as he pleases. I have finally put a stop to this as its not fair on our son who it confuses until his father agrees to be consistent in his life. It has been almost 6 months since my son has seen his father but as of late my son is asking for him a lot and wants to talk to him. Would love any tips or advice on how to deal with this?? And also am i doing the right thing by keeping him at a distance for the time being??

also know i want more than anything in the world for my sons father to be in his life and have a relationship with him but he is an alcoholic and drops in every 5 to 6 months or so, is good with our son when he is with him but then drops off the planet for another few months until he decides he wants to see him again. Im just not sure what to do as i am a first time mum and want whats best for my son!

3 Comments

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Joanne - posted on 05/28/2014

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Sorry to hear about your ex being unpredictable with your son. If your son is asking for his dad, I would call his dad and tell him that his son wants to see him. It is not healthy for a child to be without his biological parent. A friend of mine kept her son away from his dad for over 12 years. She felt he wasn't good enough for her son so told him lies as to where his dad was. But then one day, the dad contacted my friend and pleaded her to allow him to see his son. I encouraged her that she should do it. When the two got together, her son became a new person. He was happier than ever to be with his dad and the two maintained a great relationship until this day. If you try to keep your son away from his dad, he may become a problem later.

I know of a 16 yr old boy who wasn't allowed to see his mother because she had spent 2 years in jail due to what her ex-husband had done which affected her. The boy started doing drugs (by the way, he lived with his grandparents) and became a huge problem. He even drank alcohol on school grounds and was suspended for a week. I suggested that he was allowed to see his mom because she was a law abiding citizen and no one should keep a kid away from his own mother.

Although the woman was poor, working a minimum wage job, she needed to be forgiven as she served the penalty, etc. Finally, the grandparents allowed the unity and the boy changed overnight. He started studying at school and stopped the negative behavior.

We as parents are a precious thing in our children's lives. Don't separate them if at all possible.

Kat - posted on 05/08/2012

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Thanks Louise i couldnt agree with you more about my son blaming me later on thus why i wrote this as i am a first time mum and so scared i will make the wrong decision that will affect him later. As for his father i have asked him from day one that i ask nothing else of him other than consistancy in our sons life which time and time again he has said yes to and done the exact opposite. Which always results in him calling and saying he is coming down to see his son (he lives in another state), and on the times he does (which has been 3 times since he was born) he is pretty good with our son and promises the world, i usually hear from him maybe once after he has left usually saying he will be back in about a month or two then as always stops answering his phone and we have no contact for about 2- 4 months until he randomly calls again and says he wants to see our son. so this has been a vicious circle for 3 years. Most importantly i made the big decision to move to darwin where he lives last january so he could be closer to our son as i thought maybe being in seperate states was making it harder for him. When we were there he saw our son the whole of about 10 times when i would arrange it and i would take and pick up my son and many times he would cancel last minute so he could go out and get drunk instead. So after 7 months of this i confronted him and said that i understand if he is not ready to commit to being a father but if that is so please just say so and he has a free ticket out. He told me this is not what he wanted yet continued to do the same thing so i decided it was not worth to be away from all our family and friends and came back home. Sorry im blabbering on just trying to set the picture, he just talks the talk but never pulls through and i dont know what to do!

Louise - posted on 05/07/2012

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I think you have to keep a relationship with the father and son going because in the future your son will blame you for keeping them apart. You have to be so careful here. I can see why you want to protect your son from the heart ache of dad coming and going. I am just trying to see into your sons teenage years. If you stop the access at some point he will go and find him and be so disappointed to find out he is a drunk and a deadbeat. If he has always known it is not such a shock!

Try and talk to the father and ask him to make a regular arrangement to visit at least once a month, surely he can manage that. Tell him you want him to have a relationship with your son and then make it clear that it has to be regular or not at all. Then it is up to him to pull his finger out and step up. Children need routine and stability. If he cant offer that then it is best he walks away. Just be prepared for the questions later in life, normally before puberty, he will want to know where he came from and what his roots are. It is only natural.

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