Do I end it?

Carrie - posted on 04/14/2016 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I have been dating this 30 year old man for over a year. He's been a bachelor up to this point with the occasional g/f here and there.

He and I connect on so many levels. We have a lot of fun together.

I also have two kids. And they are with me half the time and with their father half the time. When I have them, He seems to "want space." and I understand to an extent. People need their space. However, it seems that the more they're with me, the less he wants to be around... and it hurts me. But when it's just him and me, he's very excited and gung ho about doing things. I FEEL like he wants me but not them. And I obviously know that THAT isn't going to fly long term. (and I'm not faulting him...he is who he is)

He has told me that he wants to marry me and he sees himself with me full time, but nothing is moving in that direction. In FACT, in the beginning, he told me I could live with him, and a couple months later told me I needed to find a place to live because he didn't want his parents to be upset that a girl was living there (they're not super conservative..so THATS not this issue).

When he tells people about me, he lies about where we met because he's ashamed that they're going to "judge" him. Technically, we met at a bar-- it was karaoke night. we hit it off. bada boom bada bing. He tells people we met at church. I don't understand why I have to live his lie? he's very concerned with how other people view him. He won't even (after A YEAR) invite me to work dinners.... He's afraid im going to say something to embarrass him. I have social skills, so I know that there are things to say to people and things NOT to say.

I love him, but I'm starting to get the idea that He's just not ready for such a large commitment, but he doesn't want to end it either. I haven't wanted to end it either until recently. I just don't want us to waste our time... I'm not getting any younger and I'd like to establish a family again.

He and I had a conversation last night and I just laid it all out there. I was level-headed and not emotional. All of this was fueled by the fact that I told him my kids would be joining us at his parents' for his bday dinner and his response was, "Really??"

He told me that he gets nervous that my kids will act up in front of his parents. (wtf?) My kids are so good (they're 8 and 5) but they're also KIDS.

can someone please help me out? I'm so confused. I think I know the right thing to do but want to hear it from someone else's perspective. (Please only helpful, uplifting responses).

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Michelle - posted on 04/14/2016

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I agree with Raye, there are a lot of red flags in what you have written.
I dated men that couldn't accept that my kids came first and sometimes our plans would be postponed or cancelled if my kids needed me. They didn't last long.
I finally met a man that loves my kids as much as he loves me. He has always said he would do anything for them and he does. That's what my children deserve and I'm glad I found someone like that.
I wouldn't be happy with having to make up a story on how you met. Why is he so embarrassed by you? That's what it seems like if he doesn't even take you to work dinners. You need someone who loves you and is proud to be with you.

Ev - posted on 04/14/2016

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Carrie--that is the chance you take in dating people. The reason to wait 6 months or more is to give you time to learn about this person and to see if he really is the right one and to see if the relationship is stable. 6 months in is pushing it really. One month of dating is not enough time to really know anything.

Ev - posted on 04/14/2016

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Carrie--I have one piece of advice on letting a new man meet your kids. Do not under any circumstances introduce a new man to kids until you have been with him for a while (6 months or more) to be sure that it is going to be steady and so on. Kids can become attached so easily to someone and if that person decided to leave they would be heart broken again. So be sure the man is the right kind of person you want your kids to know. I vowed I would not marry again because it seemed like the guys some of the girls I worked with over the years were too into themselves. It takes a special kind of man to love you and the kids. And they are not easy to find.

Raye - posted on 04/14/2016

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I think you know in your heart that this relationship is not the right one for you and your kids. Him not inviting you to social gatherings, big red flag. You should be with someone who is proud to have you by his side. His lying and reluctance to get closer with your kids are both big red flags. He's a grown-ass man, and lies to his parents about how you met? Still too immature. And you and your kids are a package deal. No one should be thinking about marriage when you can't be on the same page regarding the kids, or even hang out together and bond as a family. BIG no-no. I think you could do so much better. There are good guys still out there that will step-up and be what your family needs.

Ev - posted on 04/14/2016

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I would think after a year he would start to get a bit more comfortable with the idea that you have kids and that is part of the package in being with you. I would also think that he would have told the truth about how you met and so on. If he can not tell people the truth of your first meeting, wants to be on his own every time the kids are around, and does not want you to move in with the excuse his parents do not like it, that is a red flag. He wants you and only you. When did he meet the kids?
On the other hand, getting involved with anyone with kids (man or woman) is not easy for someone who has never had kids. It is overwhelming because they do not know how far they can go or are afraid to step over the line where the kids are concerned. It takes time to get used to things. You can not expect an instant family out of a relationship.
What did he say when you laid it all out?

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Carrie - posted on 04/14/2016

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this is so true. I'm meeting with him in a few minutes to talk about this stuff. I said some of it last night sans crying (yay for me). I want him to know that I mean business. I was married for 10 years and with the guy for 15. I am not into this middleschool-esque behavior. thanks everyone so much for your help. :)

Dove - posted on 04/14/2016

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If someone did not 100% accept me and my kids and everything about us... they'd be history. I also can not stand liars. I have enough trust issues w/out knowingly being involved w/ someone that lies.

Carrie - posted on 04/14/2016

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I would agree. and now can def see that hindsight is 20/20. my only question is this: if I wait six months and think "he's the one" introduce the kids, but he acts like the man i have now, what good did waiting 6mos do? you know what I mean?

and because this man is so "bleh" with my kids, they aren't attached to him... at all.

thanks for helping me out. :)

Carrie - posted on 04/14/2016

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Thank you. I know in my heart of hearts. Im just so afraid to take that plunge. but i need to. this relationship is not fair to him or me or....THE KIDS.

Carrie - posted on 04/14/2016

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Thanks for your honesty. I completely understand that it's probably not easy for him. Which is why I don't fault him. He met my kids a month or so into our relationship. He's friendly with them, just has no patience when they do "kid" things. He also is very critical of my parenting decisions... He has some pretty outlandish "parenting Philosophies."

I knew these were red flags shortly into our relationship, but I guess I just wanted to believe they weren't an issue. Also, he KNEW I had kids the very first night we met. it's not like I said, "Oh yeah, btw, I have kids."

Carrie - posted on 04/14/2016

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I have to be fair to him and NOT expect him to move at a pace that is not comfortable for him and that he's not ready for. I just wish this hadn't taken a year of my life to decide....

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