Do I make it work despite the major trust issues?

Amanda - posted on 10/31/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I found out last week that I was pregnant for my first child (about 6-7 weeks), but the father is my ex boyfriend. We broke up almost a year ago because he said I wasn't "the one".



Six months later, he randomly called me telling me he made a mistake and wanted to make things work. I caught him in a few lies throughout the following months.. one of them being about the used condom in his garbage (we weren't anything official at this point but it still hurt as if he had cheated on me since he was the one trying to get back together with me).



When I found out I was pregnant, we had a long talk and decided that making it work was what we both wanted. Other than him going out 2-3 times a week to get drunk with the boys and breathing his intoxicating breath on me when he gets home lol, he's been amazing through all of this.



Sometimes I get upset when I let my thoughts get to me though. This is where my dilemma is.. I wonder if I'm doing this for the baby. Because if I'm honest with myself, as much as I love him and want this to work, I have zero trust in him since the day he lied to me about the condom and I still wonder how I can go from not being "the one" to making it work as the mother of his child. Am I just being hormonal and too emotional about this or do I have reason to worry?

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Bobbie - posted on 10/31/2012

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Amanda, I would say you are simply growing up real fast to becoming a wonderful mom by the time your little bundle arrives. Dad to be however doesn't seem to be with the program. I hope this doesn't upset you but I want you to see how a real good father acted when he found out his girlfriend was expecting. Just so happens my 26 year old son had a brand new girlfriend that he cared a lot about but she had two children already and they decided to take it slow. He was miles away from mature and yes, he went out a few times a week. Nothing as ridiculous as three times a week to drink with buddies but he did go out here and there without her. Fast forward just two months into dating and ooops! sickness, antibodics and she is pregnant. She is sweating bullets. She thinks she is madly in love, he thinks he is madly in love but the there are so many issue and little people at stake here. Her sons age 2 and age 7 to be exact. My son talked to me and said he just had to try to make a go of it for the baby's sake but they didn't think it was something to rush into marriage about if they still had so many questions. He made sure that his job would cover the cost of the baby's care and that he could put her (baby girl:) onto his insurance. That was his first mature act. Then he started to really curb the going out quickly. By the time mom to be had a little belly he was worrying and wondering where all the money was going to come for the many needs. He knew in his mind that every dollar he spent on going out was a waste of money that he would need to stop when the baby got here and that there was no time like the present to start putting that money back for "what if"s" that come up. That was his second sign of maturity and getting mentally ready to be a dad. Then he find out how much time he had at work for leave and asked to work as many hours over time as possible now so that he could be sure to have time to take off for every doctor's appointment for the mom to be. That was the third sign of maturity. He went with her for every exam and every ultra sound. When the mom to be started to really show, I guess around 6 months, he never left her side to go out and drink. He had time with his friends but they were short visits and he stayed in close contact and ALWAYS sober enough to handle any emergency or issue that could arise at home.

Of course he was there for the birth with full support to the mom and this is the woman that he didn't know was the one or not. He didn't really know her well at all before the oops from taking the pill and antibiotics at the same time. As a matter of fact they are pretty sure it occurred with the first time.

My granddaughter is now 4 months old and the center of his universe. Whether her mom is "the one" for him isn't the issue. That little life he created is.

So, hormones aside, I say trust your instincts and don't blame it on changes to your body or your mind. It is him, plain and simple that you don't trust. Yes, he will hurt you again, you know it in your heart as you sit there pregnant while he lives his life without interuption. I hope I don't sound rude but to me I have to wonder if moving back in with you was a way to maintain the lifestyle he likes of carefree running. Was he between girlfriends, buddies letting him crash at his place when the last, not the one, threw him out? I can not believe he could utter such harsh words to you as if they were a reason for breaking your heart! WTF! If someone ever took my heart and then told me, I don't think you are the one, I would be shattered. that kind of hurt isn't healed by any fix in the relationship. That damage has been done. The loss of his trust with the condom issue was the big finger of fate giving you a wake up call girl! Run and don't look back! The fact that he can't even pretend to be on his best behavior while asking for you to get back with him tells me a lot. It tells me that in your relationship with him there were many excuses swallowed when they couldn't possibly be true. Loving him made you blind to the acts of betrayal until he finally said, enough of shitting on her, I am tired of it, I am going to move on to someone I can respect. I know that sounds harsh but I call them as I see them.

Give this a try. Say to him that if he wants to stay together he has to make it work by doing the following.....pick the top three things that he does that bothers you or that would show full commitment to you and the baby that is coming. I will bet you that he will be really pissed and get defensive if you ask him to stop doing anything that is fun. He will be amazed that you would think that you are going to "control" or "change" him. Those are the two big words they like to throw around when asked to stop being a dickhead.

So many woman don't want to go through their pregnancy alone and think getting back the guy in the living arrangements is required. NOPE! He will weigh you down, stress you out and make you feel as if you were stupid for ever giving him another chance, and you can take that to the bank! Worst yet, when you child arrives his will either cut and run to greener pastures again or will be still breathing his drunk fumes, 3 nights every week when he decides he has had enough fun and comes back home. You will spend your last days of this pregnancy under a great deal of emotional stress hoping he will be around and sober when you go into labor. Then when the baby is born you will have two children to care for because he isn't going to mature until he is damn good and ready and in his mind you are okay with that. Hey, it has worked for him with you so far.

P.S. How do I know all this? I lived it. I was married and ready to divorce my drunk lazy husband when I found out I was pregnant. Oh, he made big promises but boy I had better never question his devotion or check his pockets or God forbid refuse to let him go out when I was 2 weeks over due and stressing every minute of the day. My first child was born when her father was three sheets to wind at a bar. He came into the hospital room laughed and played proud father for about 5 full minutes then said he had to go out and celebrate her birth and hand out cigars. I didn't see him at all the next day. Couldn't get released from the hospital either because he needed to be there to drive me home. Stupid me stayed in that marriage 9 very long, very painful years. My daughter arrived after 3 years of marriage. My son came after 6 1/2 years of marriage. In that time frame I caught him cheating 3 times and suspected two other affairs. He partied every weekend and when my son was born he left the hospital 15 minutes after I gave birth. He took my 3 year old daughter to a friends house that she didn't know and went out with the boys. His mother and I went through a day of tears and hunting for my little girl not knowing where she was! I had trusted him when he said he would stay home and care for her. When he arrived at the hospital close to 48 hours after I had given birth my little girl had huge eyes filled with fear and tears. She was still wearing the same clothes I had put her in when I went to the hospital and she vomited when she saw me. Came running to me shaking like a leaf and wouldn't leave my side for weeks afterward. He had forgotten her and went on a 24 hour bender leaving her with an old man (father to one of his deadbeat friends who stilled lived at home after age 49) The old man couldn't hear and just left her on the couch for almost 36 hours crying. You are on that road my friend and your little one will bear the sadness and pain from her daddy regardless how near or far he is from her / him. I say, kick him out and let him step up to go to the doctors and such and see if he will even bother to take the time. chances are, you are more like his room mate with benefits to help him pay bills, or worse yet, you are working more and putting more into the household than he is. Been there done that my friend and I warn you, YOU ARE STRONGER AND BETTER OFF ALONE WITHOUT THE WEIGHT OF A MAN CHILD AROUND YOU NECK.

My bad dream ended when I left him. My daughter was 7 and my son was 3. They loved their daddy and he always let them down, put his friends and girlfriends first and one year he actually turned the tables on my son and yelled at him for also forgetting his daddy's birthday and to dry up the sissy tears, when my 9 year old let him know he forgot his birthday again.

You talk about heartbreak? You child will have it in spades with dad around. Better to just visit him when and if he feels interested. It hurts the children less.

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