do u stay with your partner for the kids sake

Zoe - posted on 10/03/2009 ( 95 moms have responded )

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is splittin up with ur partner for you or the kids, how do we knw wots best

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Lisa - posted on 10/08/2009

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I am in the same situation. My husband and I have been going back and forth between divorce or staying for the sake of the kids. We have currently agreed to live in the same house and be civil- we converted our basement into a one bedroom apartment which I reside in. We have agreed on certain conditions- I do all the cooking and laudry-he does lawn care and shuttles the kids to sporting events. We have split the bills and then have agreed to divide costs when it comes to the kids. As long as both adults can be mature and civil (although it is hard to do- our was a result of infidelity on my husbands side)- it is better for the kids to have both parents in the house. If you cannot remain mature and civil and their is constant turmoil in the home, emotionally that is not healthy for the children in my opinion. We still have family game night. go out to dinner as a family. We have agreed that there are to be no other "friends" of opposite sex/dating at our house- we can meet the person else where- but not to be discussed or present in the vicinity of the children, The children have been told that the house will run as normal except mom has her own room. We have weekly family meetings to go over any issues that involve the family and then the adults talk in private regarding any other information that needs discussed

Karin - posted on 10/11/2009

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I recently split with my husband. We have 2 kids, 10 and 15. I thought about leaving before my 10 year old was born, and again when she was a newborn and my son was 5. I stayed for the kids and tried desperately to make it work. Problem was it takes 2 to make it work and I was the only one trying. Now my kids are happier, but my son has picked up many bad habits from wittnessing the arguing and the poor way my husband treated me durring the marriage. My 10 year old is doing pretty well. She says she is much happier now that everyone isn't fighting anymore. If I could go back and do it all over again I would have left when my daughter was and infant and my son was 5. My daughter wouldn't know any difference and my son wouldn't have picked up these bad habits. If, on the other hand you are both willing to work on things, give it shot. I do believe bad marriages can be save if both parties are willing to work on it. Best wishes!

Stacey May - posted on 04/23/2013

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I am a 22 year old mom I have a beautiful daughter who will be two in May. Her father and I are currently trying to work things out. Going to counseling. But I really don't feel like it is working. We are still constantly arguing and when he is mad he can say such mean things to me. Things that aren't worth repeating. We don't have the same values or outlook on life. I believe in God and he doesn't. I feel like when he is mad he is always downgradeing me. I just found out last week that I am six weeks pregnant with his child. I love him and he is the father of my children but I feel like we are such and unstable couple. And he flips so often. One second he is nice and the next we are having a fight. I just don't know what to do or what is the right thing to do. Or what God feels is the right thing to do. I need some advice.

Lanice - posted on 10/10/2009

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Hey mom, you have to evaluate the suitation and know your limits and boundaries in your realationship. No, I dont think that if you are being abused physically or mentally you should stay for the kids, because that can be fatal so in that case I would leave for the kids. But if he is the primary support and there is no other supports in the home at this time, yes stay until you can get yourself together to take care of the kids. Good luck to you.....

Gabrielle - posted on 10/08/2009

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I was in your situation 11 years ago. I was with my "high school sweetheart" off and on from the time I was 14 years old. I was pregnant after graduating high school and he then asked me to marry him which did not happen right away. We eventually did get married when our son was 2. We were married in June and was pregnant again in August. During all this time our relationship was very unstable. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. I stayed to keep my family together and not be another statistic. Boy..was I so wrong. Even after he left me when I was 3 months pregnant with our daughter for someone else, I tried everything to work things out just to keep the family together. Thank God it did not work because after my single mom journey I found the love of my life. During my single mom years I was so happy and built back my self confidence and identity. God can get you through anything and your children will be better off in a loving single parent home than a destructive environment with both parents.

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Joy - posted on 10/14/2009

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If the relationship is disfunctional it is best for your child to not grow up in an unhealthy environment. The younger the child the easier the divorce. If you both want to stay together do whatever it takes to respect each other and never argue in front of the children...Children don't need to worry about grown up issues EVER. Best Wishes.

KATHY - posted on 10/12/2009

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WELL, I AM IN THE SAME BOAT, AND NOT SURE WHAT TO DO, WE HAVE 3 CHILDREN AND I AM VERY UNHAPPILY MARRIED. I KEEP ON GIVING THE MARRIAGE CHANCE AFTER CHANCE, FOR 7 YEARS NOW. IF THERE WERE AN EASIER WAY OUT I WOULD HAVE DONE IT BY NOW. BUT DO YOU WANT TO BE 50 YEARS OLD AND UNHAPPY KNOWING YOU COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY ELSEWHERE OR WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

Dorinda - posted on 10/10/2009

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if you don't love your partner anymore then you should go, it never work's if you stay for the kid's. just alway's be there for the kid's.

Michelle - posted on 10/10/2009

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If the situation is something that you cannot work through, then it's probably best not to stay together. I am not with the father of my now 3 1/2 yr daughter. We basically split a month after she was born. I was in a bad relationship, mentally. I was always unhappy, sad, and depressed. My daughter at that young age could sense that. We have both been happier since then. I don't know what your situation is, but you'll figure it out. When you do, you and the kids will all be happy with whatever you choose.

[deleted account]

No I left the father of my son at 6 months pregnant. It was best that way but the nightmare is still not over he thinks he can just walk in my house and disrespect me because we have a child together like he has all control over anyone just for providing some sperm. He does nothing for this child but wants to visit left and right and when he does he tries to boss me around.

Jaime - posted on 10/10/2009

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I grew up with my mother staying with my father for the sake of us children. What a horrible life that must be. The children do notice if you are unhappy! I my self would not do it! Do what you feel is right, but know children are happiest when thier parents are happy, whether its together or not!

Myra - posted on 10/10/2009

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In my opinion you do not stay for the kids sake. If you are unhappy and it is an unhealthy relationship that has not gotten better but worse than the best thing to do is to leave. If a person is going to be a Dad he will do so regardless if you are with him or not. A child can sense how we feel and when there is something wrong. We need to be happy, and provide a happy and stable environment for our kids.

Sarah - posted on 10/10/2009

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What's best is whatever allows the best relationship with you and your kids' dad -- whether that's staying married, splitting up, or being creative. If Dad is active, I'd encourage you to do whatever you need to have both of you active -- but if Dad isn't active now, he most likely won't change that. Parenting coaches can be extremely helpful in resolving co-parenting issues.

If nothing else, don't stay in a poisoned marriage "for the kids" -- they will feel the effects of a poisoned marriage.

Michelle - posted on 10/09/2009

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My name is Michelle and I had my first child at the age of 15, Billy. I thought I needed to stay with his father because that was the best thing for him, after all I grew up with out a father. Well I am here to tell you that my son is now 21 years old almost 22 (next month) that when he was 2 1/2 years old I left his father. I met a wonderful man who took him as his own. Fourteen months after dating this guy I married him. Billy was 8 years old when my husband, Tom adopted him. It took Tom and me 9 years to get pregnant with our daughter Emily. Seventeen years later I am pleased to say that I have a very healthy, happy and energenic 21 almost 22 year old son (who has served 4 yearsin the National Guard and one year in Afghanistan) and a wonderful 8 year old daughter with the most wonderful husband anyone could ask for. So I guess the answer to your simple question is if you are not happy with your situation because he is abusive or demoralizing, then get out, because there is a whole new world out there for you to experience. Don't let him tell you that no one will want you because you have kids because that is not true. If you want to contact me to talk more feel free. I am very open about my past. Wishing you the best ~ Michelle

Denise - posted on 10/08/2009

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If you are married to your children's dad, STAY TOGETHER if at all possible. (Obviously, if he is abusing you or the children, you need to leave him and not go back into that marriage unless he has been in counseling for at least a year without being abusive anymore.) But - children are hurt by their parent's divorce. Divorce is a bad thing -- occassionally it is necessary - but let's not kid ourselves by saying it's a good thing that makes us 'happy'. That's just a phrase to make us feel better for doing something that is destructive because it is breaking of a commitment and a vow. If you just don't feel happy, make some changes. Grow as a person; pray and ask God for help; go to counseling and learn how to choose to be happy and love your partner even in the hard times (again - staying in the same home and pretending things are okay if he is ABUSIVE, an ALCOHOLIC, or is having AFFAIRS - is unwise, and not what I am advocating at all.) Bless you. Please hang in there if at all possible - for your children's sake....for your sake .... for society's sake...

Emanuelieta - posted on 10/08/2009

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You have to be happy to keep your kids happy. IF the relationship your in does not make you happy your children will in fact see this..... do what is best for you because in the end it is what is best for them.

[deleted account]

Depending on the situation I am all for trying to make things work and exhausting all options before ending a relationship. This is not just for the children but for the adults as well. If you have tried your hardest to make it work and it just isn't working then for all involved it is best to end the relationship. I strongly believe in the saying it is better for a child to come from a broken home than to live in one. Just try and make the split as easy and nice as possible because an ugly split will effect your children deeply!

Lilliana - posted on 10/08/2009

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I stayed in a relationship with my daughter's father because she was my second child and second baby daddy. I was trying to keep a relationship which I new was not working. I was being mentally abuse because he knew I was not planning to go no where. I swallowed my pride and move on. Now I am going on a strong three year relationship who loves me and our children as his own.

Jessica - posted on 10/08/2009

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The BEST advice I ever got was to not use the kids as an excuse to stay around!!!!!
Splitting up is hard for evyone. I think as long as your children know it is not their fault and that you both LOVE THEM VERY MUCH, you should do what your heart thinks is best for you and your guy. It is also very hurtful to children when they do not live in a happy home. If your kids are witnessing everything between you and your guy then it would definitley benefit them if the two of you split up. Kids learn from their parents and their parents relationships! GOOD LUCK!!!!!

Fabiola - posted on 10/08/2009

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There is no doubt that children need both, their father and mother, but if having their father around is hurting your children then it might be best not to. So it depends on the situation. You have to ask yourself, is he abusive to me or the children? Is he hurting them by being around them. Or is it something less like just not getting along or something else. My husband and I were separated for 2 years and I regret leaving him. I know he deserved it, but we could have worked it out. I was too stubborn and I was thinking of myself and not my children. They were small and they needed their father around. So I got back together with my husband a year ago. I did it for the kids at first but it was just not enough. Children can sense these things once they get a little older. They wanted to see mommy and daddy hug and kiss and show affection to eachother. I prayed to God to help me and I put my marriage in His hands. Now I love my husband with all my heart and we cant be without eachother. Our relationship is actually better now than it was before and I owe it all to God and to the love I have for my children. Hope everything gets better soon. God bless you.

Miriam - posted on 10/08/2009

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Zoe,
You have left much out of what you are wanting to know. First it would depend on the circumstances that you present. Is the realtionship abusive ( in any form)? With little inforamtion that I have seen written, correct me if I am wrong. but you are asking if splitting up with your partner is for you or your children. Whether you stay with your partner or not those children are 1/2 him and 1/2 you so in saying this be mindful of what you say and this shal be for both party's. This is an adult situation and your children should know of it as that and that the other party whether it be mom or dad lovet hem very much PERIOD!!!! You must try and remain civil through whatever you are going thru because being hostile is not healthy for anyone and can and will effect/affect your children in one form or another. If this is an abusive realtionship ( physical or any other form) then forward think and step outside the box---is this what you want your children to see and think is okay for this to be done? You both are there role models as well as there protector. Whatever decision you make stick to it and do not do the back and forth ordeal. This is confusing and not to mention unhealty for all and you will have long term repercussions from your children latter part of there years. Dont make any decision out of anger. Soul search, forward think and proceed from there.But remember those children are 1/2 you and 1/2 him..so anything negative that is said from either party --a child mind processes this as --if i would not have done this mommy and daddy would be together, it is my fault......I re-iterate to you again that it is imperative that you let your children know this is adult problems and this is the best ( if you choose to part ways) but remain civil and unless harm is in the way ( meaning abusive) then do not keep the children from the other partner..they so do need both parents..they need them bothe whether together or apart.....blessings to you and yours in whatever decsison that you make....

Margie - posted on 10/08/2009

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I have a friend who's marriage was getting bad with an overcontrolling, abusive husband. She got to the point of dreading going home each day. She left for a week or so until he agreed to go to counseling. A couple sessions helped some but he didn't like the counselor and quit and things deteriorated again and seemed hopeless. She had to leave again until he agreed to try another counselor of his choice. This time, they stuck with it and now have an enviable, respectful, fun, loving relationship! And going through all this for each other gives each a deeper trust, committment and bond than before. By the way the counseling was free, as they chose to go to a Christian pastor.

Margie - posted on 10/08/2009

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Do we see a pattern here? These husbands all sound like they are out of the same mold - and they are: human selfishness. (And we wives are also human so we have feelings and get hurt) Too often, people divorce and then end up with the same type all over again: same problems, same dead relationship from taking each other for granted ,overfamiliarity and putting career or other things first. God forbid, even same abuse or tolerance of abuse. Get help and counseling now or you are prone to being miserable or ending up with the same situation later with a different face. Marriage is supposed to be a good thing, designed by God. A godly counselor can give great insight into our common problems we all encounter in order to transform a bad thing into a good thing.
(Of course, like anything, shop around when choosing a counselor!).

Valerie - posted on 10/08/2009

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A family is what most parents hope for. However we don't all reach this point. It is fine. A healthy environment for kids is essential to their education,social skills and overall development path. Staying in an unhealthy relationship will affect the attitudes of innocent children. If all posssible establish a positive relationship with the other parent. Stress and anger can be detected by children almost all the time. Chidlren do not know how to properly deal with stress or anger. Prayer and fastening can change this situation into a positive outcome. May God continue to bless you, your children and the other parent.

[deleted account]

I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through with the confusion about splitting up. I stayed with my ex for 5 years because I thought I needed to for our daughters sake. I also made up all kinds of excuses as to why I was staying there.."I still love him", "I can't take his daughter away from him", ect....when actually I was scared to start over as a single parent. It would have been better for my daughter if I would have left sooner...she would not have witnessed as much tension, or arguing as wouldn't have been as accustomed to me & her dad being together. She did get happier once I left and as for myself...lets just say you find a new strength and confidence in yourself. Being a happy parent is 1000 times better than being a miserable one. I didn't want to tell you what to do..it is your life & your decision to make. I just thought that you would like to know that there is other people in the world that have this in common with you..it tends to give a little sense of comfort. You are in my thoughts & keep yourself happy.

Michelle - posted on 10/08/2009

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I think it should be for both. I stayed for my daughter until he father was mad and made the comment...she will know her place when she grows up and it hit me I have watch my mom know her place and now I am her knowing my place and refuse to keep the cycle going and I have proven to her and myself that she has the right to be happy with herself .that she is special. No one should ever feel (with or with out children) that this is my life choice so just deal with it.

Patti - posted on 10/08/2009

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Each situation is different ... I know people who stay cause they don't want their kids raised by someone else ... then there are those who know that if they split up either the mother or the father will not step up to the plate and be there for the children ... I have experienced both, and let me tell you staying with my spouse for the children was not a good thing ... Yes I made myself believe that I still loved him but he was never there for me or the children. So after a year of this I filed for divorce and he was totally shocked. Once we seperated he never really wanted anything to do with the kids and would rarely visit with them or anything ... I knew this would happen cause he was never home when we was married, always had something better to do then be a family. Now he wants to be a "Dad" and our six year doesn't want him around. My other two boys never want to see him. I know every situation is different and being in a loveless relationship is no fun at all. The best I can tell you is find someone you can talk to that you trust and value their opinion and hopefully they can help you through this troubling time. Wish you the best of luck and remember if you are unhappy, fighting or arguing even if not infront of the children ... they still know, and that is not good for the kids either.

Teri - posted on 10/08/2009

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statistic say that 25% of all americans have 1 thing in common. They come from a divorced family. I was married for 13 years. Things got rough and he started to get physical with my son. I divorced him and have sole custody of my children. They are growing up well and responsible. They were able to be children once i left him. They now have a step father who absolutely loves them. You just have to take the leap of faith and see where God takes you.

Martha - posted on 10/07/2009

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You don't know what is best...if you have a professional you can talk to...do it. They see everything, I stayed for the financial security it afforded my kids...happy I did...it made their world better...I loved him so much nobody really knew how unhappy I was...he left when they were in their late teens and early twenties but that base of security sure helped make sure that money is not the motivating factor for seeking happiness today...we are all poor now but not struggling, doing what is important for each of us...it was a struggle at the beginning but our base of security and love got us through the initial hard times... my experience and it is different for every family

Gail - posted on 10/07/2009

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That one brung tears to my eyes. I have no joy in my marriage or happiness . We very seldom talk and when we do it is usually about money or kids or bills. I have no pleasure with him no more its sad. I dred coming home anymore from work. I work at a daycare with kids I love it they smile at me . I can't even make my husband smile no more. Is there hope in a lost marriage? Desperate wife wants to know ??

Margie - posted on 10/07/2009

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Having been through some difficult years, my heart goes out to those in difficult marriages.
Yes, leave, but temporarily until they agree to counseling. And find a good counselor who you both connect with. You committed and promised to take care of and love that person you married. Think of who they were then. Now they are ill, emotionally, perhaps mentally. They need brought out of their deteriorated pattern of relationship with you - communicate you are serious by leaving until attending counseling. It will be for best interest of whole family. If they don't, then you have not made the choice to end things - they have. But in the meantime read "The Love Dare" -
a daily support on how to love a difficult spouse and restore your relationship to what it should be, looking at selfishness on both parts if there and looking to the author of marriage and true love, the Lord and his plan for your life. Then you will be empowered
by real love and be an example to your children and see change only God can make in a person's heart.

Sharalyn - posted on 10/07/2009

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P.S. No marriage is perfect- my husband and I fight, for sure. We fight in our marriage but I am committed to fighting for our marriage as well. There's a movie you should watch: "Fireproof".....might help.

Sharalyn - posted on 10/07/2009

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I find it disturbing, as I read over some of the posts, that most of the responses center around the degree that the relationship brings you happiness. Is the goal of life the pursuit of happiness? I'm not talking about abusive situations- if he's abusing you, get out of there. However, I question the wisdom of making any decisions based on your own personal happiness at any given time. If you can back out on a marriage just because you happen to feel like it, why not other areas of life too? If we live our lives that way, will we ever be able to hold down a job? When our kids displease us, will we back out then, too- kick them out? If we find our very lives lacking luster, should we then just commit suicide? Seems to me that there is a fundamental flaw in making decisions based on this life philosophy.

If we are talking about a marital relationship, what happened to the commitment you made to each other? Something about..."for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.... as long as we both shall live"? Obviously, we only meant for better, richer, healthier.... and shouldn't we change it to "as long as we both shall love"?
So, we don't keep this commitment, will we keep any other ones? And seeing as our kids tend to model what they see, they probably won't be able to keep any commitments either.

Minger - posted on 10/07/2009

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A lot of people have put in really good advice here already, so let me just say that no matter what you decide, in the end if you have little feelings of doubt and anxiety nipping at you from all sides it will not be worth any sacrifice. That's how my mom felt after being with my dad for over 30 years. It never ends and people do not change unless they want to, and not for other people but for themselves.



Take care and do the right thing, for YOU first, and by considering yourself, you consider your kids.

Heather - posted on 10/07/2009

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if your not happen and feel like you can't or don't want to work it out, then you need to leave. a unhappy mom is unhappy baby/child... been there done that. my daughter and i were so much better when her dad and i weren't together. i found someone that loves me and my daughter like no one else. she now has a brother and a sister.....

Deena - posted on 10/07/2009

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It would depend on the relationship. I have heard of parents who live in the same house for the kids sake and the kids are aware that the parents are not together. But speaking from my experience, I just got out of a 13 year relationship that I should have gotten out of years ago. My kids are 10 and 12 and am now noticing how harmful it was for the kids to see the loveless relationship. My daughter, 10, keeps asking me to take their dad back. I keep telling her that I have not loved her dad for a long time and he hasn't been in love with me for awhile. I also tried to explain to her that their dad did not treat me the right way. I had to watch what I said and did because he always thought I was cheating on him. He tried to control everything I did. I couldn't even go grocery shopping without taking at least one of the kids with me. Unfortunately, I think her dad is putting stuff in her head which is confusing her even more. I am in a new relationship and see how I should have been treated all these years. I hope that once my kids meet the new guy, they will see how a person should be treated. To not be degraded or talked down to frequently but to be put first and treated with respect.

Abby - posted on 10/07/2009

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we need to be healthy emotionally for our children because they are really smart and can pick up on our emotions no matter how hard we try to cover them up. So if you are going to stay then you really need to be positive about it and just love him no matter what. Loving yourself and giving love is what is going to change the harmony in your home and relationship. I hope that doesnt sound so corney but its totally true not just in your relationship with your man but in all sticky situations with difficult people.

Sheila - posted on 10/06/2009

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If the child is the only reason to stay - don't. It'll never work. All of you will be happier splitting the family. If it isn't going to work it just isn't. Be adult and civil with the other parent, and that is easier without all the tension from trying to make it work.

Janet - posted on 10/06/2009

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if theres alot atension do reflected i on the kids sometime children need love that might seperate the parent but its whaT BEST FOR THM JUST NEVER EVER KEEP THEM FROM THAT ABSENT PARENT

Karen - posted on 10/06/2009

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I truly believe that this is a choice that you need to find within yourself...none of us know your situation..so all we can do is answer from our our wisdom gained from our own experience.
In my personal case...I did stay with my ex for almost 20 years...lots of good times...but the bad really out numbered the good. We have 3 girls together, he loves them but really isnt a great dad.
I stayed...because of the girls, and because, well, lets face it...its bloody scary to go it on your own.
When I finally had enough and left...4 years ago now...my girls aged 16, 13 and 10 at that time said to me....Mommy, why'd you stay so long??
I was dumbfounded to say the least!! I stayed mainly for them and yet, even at their young age..they could see the sadness and pain we had all endured because of it.
At their ages now, I see the damage it has caused them. They have zero tolerance of peoples shortcomings, keep everyone at arms length, are very critical and are strong willed to a fault...it sounds crazy because we all want our girls to be "stong" but I am afraid that they will push away ones that love them in order to ensure that they remain in control and never endure the pain and helplessness that they have experienced and watched me go through all their lives...and this isnt about any physical abuse...it was alot of watching us argue and the mental abuse I went through....its sad and I can only guide them as best as I can find how.
Good luck in whatever decision you make and may life be fair and good to you and your own
xoxox

Heather - posted on 10/06/2009

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Another thing to consider is If your leaving over little issues its never greener on the other side of the fence all have bad habits but if its big issues like abuse, his played up etc then get out quick.

Christy - posted on 10/06/2009

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I agree follow your heart and if it isn't with the partner anymore then don't stay just for the kids because in the long run your kids will suffer.

[deleted account]

The relationship examples that you "display" will be what your children learn. If you don't show affection then your son/daughter will not show affection to their partner. If you are in a violent relationship, that is what your son/daughter will think is normal. It depends on if you think you can still teach your children the values you want them to have and stay in the relationship. I also think that you should try EVERYTHING to keep your marriage together if you can, (counseling, talking, whatever). That way, IF you do decide to divorce you can tell your children later that you both worked hard and you both did do all that you could to keep it together but in the end it was best to be apart. Hope this helps.

Ester - posted on 10/06/2009

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Personally I should have made the choice years ago, but stayed mostly for the kids and economic security my husband offered. We were together for almost 18 years, but slept apart for the last 2 years or so. The atmosphere in our home was cold and unfeeling with little to no communication, totally opposite from what it was like in the early years. We have been seperated for a little over a year now and live in different states. I have watched my oldest 2 kids suffer through bad relationships that are rather unhealthy and cant help but wonder if they are living by example. My oldest got married in March, and in September left her husband because of his cheating. My second to the oldest cant seem to find anyone to respect her and treat her as a decent human being, mostly due to her low self esteem from the name calling she recieved at her dad's hands. My youngest 2 are settling into our new lives and seem to be happier. They miss their dad, but he has only called once since we moved, and not at all since we changed our numbers (and yes we did give them to him). When we lived in the same town after splitting up, he visited pretty consistently at first, but then the visits started getting shorter and shorter, he would call and say he would be there in a little bit and not show for hours ect ect. Im not saying you should leave or stay, that is a decision only you can make. Talk to your friends, talk to his friends, get an outside perpective from people that know your family. We did counseling and it helped for a bit, but then things slipped back into old patterns. I wish you the best of luck with whichever decision you make. Do your best to keep dad involved with the kids for as long as its healthy for them, no matter how you feel about him in the end, he does have a right to still be their dad as long as he is willing to step up and take responsibilty.

Best of luck!!!

Glory - posted on 10/06/2009

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One thing that I try to keep in mind was something Dr. Phil said, "Children would rather come from a broken home, than to live in one". That helped me make my decision to leave my ex-husband. My kids are thriving in a healthy, loving environment, even though they don't live with their father also.

Janice(Lucy) - posted on 10/06/2009

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If you or the children are in any danger, please get help. Sometimes holding off for a better day doe'nt happen. You know in your heart what to do. Be safe for you and your children.

Vienna - posted on 10/06/2009

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if ur not happy with ur partner and its getting u down ur children will be affected by ur mood. never keep a relationship going just for the children as they will suffer more in the long run i found this out the hard way.x

Leigh - posted on 10/05/2009

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Kids will always be much better off Being from a Broken home, rather than LIVING in one.

SABRINA - posted on 10/05/2009

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from personal experience... it's not worth it, you are only hurting yourself, and your children, in the long run. I was with my ex-husband for 9 years. Towards the end, I knew I didn't feel the same and we didn't really get along... We still tried to work it out but it still wound up falling apart. The only difference is, since I stayed, my children had to live with the tension and arguements... It took some time because they were young, but they understand and I honestly feel they are better for it now. It was 3 1/2 yrs ago and I have since found someone that I am happy with. Now I can show my son & daughter how a relationship really should be. Good luck. One last opinion... make the decision on what's best for you and yours, not on what others will think... the outside world never really knows everything that happens behind your doors... only you do.

Jenn - posted on 10/05/2009

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I left my ex after our son was born. He has way too many issues that he isn't willing to deal with and still wouldn't admit the fact that he was still in fact married to his ex when he married me. With the way we would argue it was not a healthy environment for my son to grow up in, so for us the better option was to leave. Now I am in a very healthy, happy relationship with a man who, not only gave me 2 beautiful daughters, but also an amazing step-daughter, and he loves and accepts my son.

Jodie - posted on 10/05/2009

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Ok..I have both sides of the fence here we go.... I'm a 3rd generation of staying together for the children,. Let's see if this helps.... My kids father and I have been together for 14yrs my kids are 12 and 3. I left him when my oldest was 6 for 2 weeks and my daughter cried every night and wet her bed every night while we were separated then I went back and she was fine. His and my relationship is hot and cold but if you look at every relationship they are rocky. Now I talk to my 12 yr old and she says sometimes I wish you and Daddy weren't together! I don't want my daughters to think this is ok and I don't want to do damage to them and in the end there relationship with their partner is bad but you just have to know for yourself what is best! In the end I have no one else I have been with him since i was 18 and he knows that and uses it against me sometimes but the only advise I hyave is follow your heart it will lead you in the right directions and who knows you might wake up one day and realize you have to go or you might realize it was u overreacting! But in the end only u can make that decision! GOOD LUCK

Cheryl Cloud - posted on 10/05/2009

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How do u know what's best is the key here, I think. I read alot of the earlier posts, and most of it was valid, however, I always take those that speak in absolutes (Never!) with a grain of salt....their own personal convictions, passion or situations may have skewed their view, perhaps.

My parents divorced when I was in high school, and I thought they waited WAY too long to split, because you could see & feel in our household that they no longer loved each other enough to work together to solve their relationship problems. I was actually angry at my mom for a long time as an adult woman, because I blamed her for staying in that relationship. I felt that she should have put us kids first and sought a place where we could experience some peace and harmony.....and not have to live in love 'war zone'. I realize now that should wasn't capable of leaving any sooner than she did.

I am also on my 3rd marriage, having been divorced twice....one relationship (the father of all 4 of my kids) lasted 20 years and the other broken marriage was a re-bound which lasted only a year. My current marriage is less than 1 year old, but I've been in the relationship with the man for 6 years. So I have a little bit experience with staying or going, as well as played with the idea of commitment or lack thereof.

How can you know what's best you ask. I think when I was younger, I could not tell as much that my parents were unhappy and had issues. I mean their love for me and/or family still seemed to be there and override their discontent and unhappiness. It could also have been that at a younger age, I just wasn't tuned into those kinds of things, as much as when I was a teenager and so never caught much of it earlier on. That's not to say it didn't impact me. I have to say that my parents relationship has been one of the biggest impacts on me....and the way that I "do" relationships now. We are all products of our environment, and act.....or re-act, accordingly. I mean, we can all overcome personal situations and life tragedies, but we all start from where our parents left us.

Internally, if I'm honest with myself, I knew when it was time to leave or end a relationship. In some cases, it took me longer to accept that, but I always knew inside when it was time. And it was not something my partner was doing or not doing.....it was something internal that prompted me to go or stay. I would venture that if you don't know what's best right now, you probably haven't gotten to that state yet. You haven't come to an internal decision that your relationship is over, and/or it's the right thing to do for your family to end it. We have become such an action/reaction oriented society, haven't we? Everyone always asks "what are you gonna do?" Perhaps you have to give yourself the time to arrive at that point, to be sure, before you act. I mean, your actions will impact more than just yourself.....your kids, your partner, both families, even the family pet.......it's wise to consider all of that when making the decision, I think......not just the kids. Actually, using "the kids" as a reason FOR or AGAINST being in a relationship doesn't hold much validity in my opinion. In a way, it may be a bit of a 'cop out' to use that as the basis for a decision.

If you are in an abusive relationship, one that endangers you and/or your kids. I encourage you to do what you need to be safe. I would not try to navigate those waters, it's too scary and dangerous, in my view. However, if it's not danger, but an uncomfortable situation, I would encourage you to take adequate time to make your decision and take steps to meet your own emotional needs (and I don't mean an affair, but a healthy support system) while your relationship is in this state. Get someone who you respect, that can be honest with you and help you look at yourself in the process too......sometimes not emotional invested in all that's going on. Even today 2 marriages later, I second guess whether I made the right decision to leave my kids' father (the 20 yr. marriage)....whether it was really him....or was it me that was just too messed up or just plain selfish to live up to the promises I had made, and my commitment to him and my kids. Commitment is hard....complicated....and a long-term, as opposed to a short-term plan. And in today's world, we see less and less outright examples of it.

Wish you the best of luck with your decision.

Claudia - posted on 10/04/2009

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staying for the kids sake may be more damaging if the relationship is unstable. you know when you've done enough! leave on as best terms as possible & never speak bad of the other parent in front of the children. i made the decision to leave @ the ripe ol age of 20 because i was in a relationship that would do more harm than good to my son & has worked out well! the dream is to raise a family w/both parents but sometimes it's just not meant to be...much luck to your fam!

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