Do you ever feel like there is more?

Dionne - posted on 10/07/2013 ( 32 moms have responded )

22

0

2

Hi Moms,
Just wondered if you ever felt like there was more out there.... For you. You love your Kids and all but do you ever feel bored, with everything? And what do you do?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Queen Of My - posted on 10/08/2013

103

2

19

Yes. I use to feel like that all the time - I think it's probably more common than you think :)
I was the first one of all my friends to have a babies so I often got cut from girls lunch or couldn't go grab a cup of coffee. That is when I started really feeling isolated and like dishes, bottle, laundry, diapers and repeat wasn't enough for me.
Now all my friends are having babies and calling me telling me they now feel that way.
Like te other girls said, you need to focus on what you have and get out of the house! I try to plan an outing at least once a week (usually 2 or 3) with the kids and then once a month with just my husband! I also find getting involved in projects gives me a reason to get through all my chores quickly. I discovered this last summer when I started reading the 50 Shades books - lol - don't judge- but I remember just sitting in the sun, sipping some iced tea, the kids were sleeping - it was the best! Then I got really into scrap booking. Then I went through a baking phase - which was quickly followed by an extreme working out phase - haha. Now I am into home projects. Just little things I can do on my own - like hanging pictures, finding frames, and most recently I am painting the bathroom!
Find something you enjoy and force it into your already busy schedule. Or go back to work part time - just to interact with adults. You will feel back to your old self in no time.
And just to follow up on what geezy said about fame and fortune - I heard a quote the other day that I love and try to keep in my mind - not that it really pertains to your situation - just thought I would share it -
People are meant to be Loved
Things are meant to be used
The reason the world is in chaos is because
Things are being loved and
People are being used

Love it! Focus on love - love your family, your friends and yourself! Do what you love and keep everything in prospective :)

Geezy - posted on 10/07/2013

3

0

1

I feel like in laying down and getting pregnant we made a choice.
Yes, being a mom and partner isn't always super fun. It does get kind of boring at times.
When I start to feel like that, I grab up the baby and we go somewhere.
Whether it's just out for a walk or a run, or lunch and a trip to the mall.
Just something to break up routine.
We've become so obsessed in this culture with being rich and famous, we've lost the ability to find beauty in the simple every day things.
Focus on what you have rather than what you don't.
It makes all the difference.

Catherine - posted on 10/11/2013

14

0

1

Haha, yes, no offense taken and I did not think the "defensive" post was for me. But it's great to have you all here :)

Queen Of My - posted on 10/11/2013

103

2

19

Lol Catherine I think we have all been there at some point!
And yes, getting more involved and mixing up your activities a little definitely helps.
I didn't feel put off at all by your post. No worries :)

Catherine - posted on 10/11/2013

14

0

1

Yes!! I got pregnant at 19 and when I wasn't happy with myself, I thought I made a huge mistake even though I love my son more than anything! But then I decided to work on a bunch of hobbies that involve my son, so i helped out with arts and crafts for his school and online marketed a number of small companies for other mommies from the same school. And now I do a lot and feel like I get a lot done AND I don't feel like there is "MORE" without him, but that there is more we can do together.

32 Comments

View replies by

Charity_knox - posted on 10/13/2013

289

1

60

I certainly get frustrated with the mundane cycle of laundry and cleaning over and over. I make time for myself and exercise and it helps. For me I also work outside the home 1-2 days a week even though it is a few hours it helps me get some "away from the kid times". I have 22 month old twins and a 5 year old and we aren't bored really we always have something to do but, it can get stale. However I laugh when I hear non-moms or non-SAHM say oh I couldn't sit at home all day. I certainly don't sit all day,lol I think it is pretty insulting that some people may think that is what a SAHM does.

Dionne - posted on 10/11/2013

22

0

2

Thank you, Catherine! I'm sorry if I
Sounded defensive! I think you did a great job finding balance and I think your advice was spot on as well! :)

Catherine - posted on 10/11/2013

14

0

1

Oh, goodness, sorry, I took it as that! But i just thought that maybe we had all been there :) We'd be robots if things were great all the time.

Dionne - posted on 10/11/2013

22

0

2

Thank you all for your replies... Holly, I appreciate what you are saying. And I am glad you are fulfilled doing exactly what it is that you are doing! :)
Just to clarify, my post wasn't intended to convey that kids suck and I don't love them/ want them to be happy. I do love my kids very much. I've been a Mom for 12 years and they love me back... So I feel that I must be doing something right! Haha! When they were small I was VERY involved in their school and activities... I even coined the term FFD... It stands for family fun day!! So we could get out of the house and do things together. In my experience now, I just find that the kids are wanting more independence and less of Mom, which I think is healthy.
Additionally, I believe that YES! A child needs to be the number 1 priority in your life, but not your WHOLE life. We all were (theoretically) a whole person before they came along, and what I meant by "more" is the idea of supplementing your life with things that make you happy just as a person. Our little angels will be leaving the nest one day... Then what?

And Queen, you rock sister!!! :) Bang on!

Queen Of My - posted on 10/11/2013

103

2

19

Holly: It's hard to when reading a message to understand the tone of it. You can't see the persons facial expressions and of course we don't know eachother so maybe I am reading your post wrong - but I feel like your message is a little condescending.
I am glad being a stay at home mom is good for you and fulfills all your needs in your life but different people have different needs.
Dionne never said being a mom was boring or she didn't like playing with her kids, she just doesn't feel whole - and if you continued reading through the posts you would see a whole discussion pertaining to what the actual problem is.
I am glad "being a mom is never boring in your house" but that doesn't make you a better mom than her - and you shouldn't be condescending to others who are opening up and asking for help.
Again - maybe I read you wrong and then I am sorry for coming at you - I just don't want anyone making women feel bad for feeling a certain way - that isn't what this site is for.

Catherine - posted on 10/11/2013

14

0

1

but is she heathy? I was really skinny as a kid and the other kids made fun of me and then BOOM, i got fat when I turned 15 :)

Cynthia - posted on 10/11/2013

1

0

0

What can I give my daughter for her to be fat ,she takes enough bossom milk nd alsa sma milk bt yet she is nt fat.help momomies

Holly - posted on 10/10/2013

42

2

8

My kids are my world so sorry I don't feel like I need more. I never partied got married young and turned 21 on a Sunday with a baby I wanted to do so much but than I had a kid and all I want to do is be a mother. I'm never bored cause the second I think I am I play with my kids or do something for them I was a stay at home mother for 4 years and if the world wasn't going to hell I would pick to stay at home with them 4 ever. If you get bored do more with your kids or if you married do more as a family. I've been divorced so you can't say well not everyone has a perfect family I remarried and had my second child in my house its family first so maybe you should do more as a family and if you get bored seeing your child smile than idk just saying being a mother is never boring in my house

Queen Of My - posted on 10/08/2013

103

2

19

:) np - glad I could help. It won't be a short process and I am certain you will feel the way you felt earlier again, but anytime you wanna talk I am good with it.
I haven't quite figured out how to add people to my circle yet - lol- but if you want to add me, we can keep in touch ;-)

Dionne - posted on 10/08/2013

22

0

2

Oh Queen! That is so kind of you! Sometimes you get so stuck in your own head that it becomes hard to make sense out of what is what!!! And it's just so encouraging to hear that we aren't doomed because I believe that we really
Do love each other for the right reasons. I'm not looking to use him or betray him
And he really is quite kind, sometimes. We are both frustrated, and sometimes it's tough to see the forest for the trees. I know without a doubt, he is 100% faithful to me and I honestly believe that he has nothing but the best intentions for our future together. He just IS very difficult to deal with because of his Type A Alpha male thing. And I am a little Type A myself sometimes... Queen, I really appreciate you the time to talk to me on this one.. And yes you're right... Those type of people wanna fix everything! Which is awesome!

Queen Of My - posted on 10/08/2013

103

2

19

Well we have been married for 3 but together for 10. We started dating when I was 19 and he was 20 so we had a lot of growing to do both individually and as a couple.
I got through by doing what I posted earlier. That adivce came from my heart and personal experience. He too had been cheated on and I too have been abused (never physically but very much so verbally)
My dad is very type A personality and it can be very difficult dealing with that - but the good news is- those people aim to please and always want to fix things!
We never went through counsilling but looking back - we probably would have figured it out much faster and more efficiently if we had! It definitely got abusive at times (on both sides) but I would never say he is abusive - especially now. We have learned how to fight.
The backpack on the couch and the socks on the floor are nothing - just natural adjusting.
The jealousy and control is something that needs to be addressed but definitely isn't the end of your relationship - it's just a hurdle.
I feel like your post is a blast from my past so if you need to talk more about it I am completely open to it :)

Dionne - posted on 10/08/2013

22

0

2

May I ask, Queen... How long have you been together with your DH? I know that our issues are "common" to a point. Absolutely. And I honestly don't think that he is a MEAN person... As in, is bossy just for the sake of being bossy. These issues are close to his heart, because he doesn't want me to make him look like a chump. And I know, undoubtably, that he wouldn't hit me. We have been in some doozy fights, but he has never so much as threatened to hit me. I made it clear very early on in our relationship that if I even THINK he is gonna actually physically assault me, is be out the door so fast it would make his head spin. And he understands this. So, really, I'm just looking to find out ways to get things on an even kilter here. How did you manage, Queen, in those early days?

Queen Of My - posted on 10/08/2013

103

2

19

It's hard to say without seeing the situation up close. I can honestly say I have gone through these type of fights with my hubby earlier on - and I think we have a healthy relationship - but to this day - if I went out looking sleazy for drinks without him, he would ask some questions - and we have definitely had big fights about where I am going and/or what I am wearing in the past. But it is so rare now and if it does come up - it's never a big deal - just a comment not a fight.
I think you both have some personal issues you need to get past - a professional would help guide the process and offer a lot of insight. It may make it a shorter and less painful process if you get help.

Dionne - posted on 10/08/2013

22

0

2

Yes well, I am coming to that point too. I feel like I need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to back off. I just feel like I am constantly being nagged to death over everything... And that's totally the kiss of death in marriage. I know that. We actually both know this, he just feels that he isn't asking too much of me. A clean house, take care of the kids, keep groceries stocked. But to me it feels like there's more to it. I notice the constant digs and what feels like constant disapproval. That's the part that bugs me and I'm wondering if anyone else out there feels the same way?

Queen Of My - posted on 10/08/2013

103

2

19

Reading Shawnns post (which I didn't read until I had already posted), I completely agree with it not being okay that you change everything and him nothing- I hope that isn't how I came across- it needs to be both - I am just talking to you so it maybe seems like I am telling you to do all the changing. But I agree with Shawnn.

Dionne - posted on 10/08/2013

22

0

2

We have been together for 2 years. And yes, his first wife cheated on him. So I do understand it. But my guy before DH was very very abusive towards me... Everyway imagineable! So, controlling or abusive behaviour is a super sore spot for me as well. Because I know that about myself.... I thought I'd ask you all what you think. Is it my own paranoia? Or does this seem sinister? :P

Queen Of My - posted on 10/08/2013

103

2

19

How long have you been together? And has he ever been cheated on? By you or an ex?

It sounds like he is feeling insecure and having some adjustment issues.
You need to make sure he feels that this is YOUR house as a couple now. The reason he doesn't want you to do anything is because he secretly feels like it is still his. Even if he won't admit it - or even recognize it - he found this house, loved it, put time and energy into it and then invited you to come into it.
Maybe he is hanging onto the control thing regarding the house because he can feel you getting restless and he knows he can't actually control you (despite his best effort)!
Take baby steps. Tell him you need more of you in the house and see what you can do together. Work on it together but make sure you are involved. Basically make it your baby and just run your ideas by him. This is a good exercise in letting go of some control and learning ringside you and your decisions.

The reason he has changed is probably one of two things - he feels you have changed - or he has realized how in love he is with you and is scares to death of loosing you. Neither of these are bad - and they are coming from a good place in his heart - they just need to come out properly.

In regards to you going out - start with baby steps there too. Get super sexy only for him. Go out in a turtle neck if that is what he needs right now. Prove that going out doesn't mean you are going out looking for trouble. As he relaxes, so will his "things"
It will take time and work but this is a natural hurdle in marriage and will make your bond so much stronger in the end.
Be sensitive to how he feels - even if you find it annoying! Be upfront with how you feel. If he coments on your v-neck - roll your eyes, smile sweetly and go change. Not forever - this isn't you on your way to being submissive - this is you being the puppet master working in the trust string. Eventually, he won't care.
I am sure many women will disagree with this, but this is my opinion - hope it helps :)

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/08/2013

13,209

21

2014

As I very rarely go out without my husband, I can understand the 'no dance clubs' idea, we both have the same, but if I want to go for drinks at the pub with my girlfriends or cousins, he has no problem with that. He can't drink, so that's not an issue for him going out. Actually (and this is kind of funny to me) I feel uncomfortable in a bar or pub setting without having him around!

And I can understand the 'don't dress sleazy' desire (not that Hurley v-necks are sleazy, by any means...I wear them!)

It sounds as if he's a very type a personality, the neat freak, the wanting control over the house, etc, but he needs to change his thinking and adapt to the new situation just as you do. From the sounds of it, you've done a lot more adapting, and made a lot more changes to your core self just to keep the peace, and that's not ok. It needs to be a meeting of the minds, and both have to be willing to make adjustments.

Would he go for some sessions with you? Something in the way of blending the families? I'd also suggest that you two go out to dinner, and you discuss your feelings of being imprisoned. It could be that he doesn't realize how he's limiting you. But, if he's not willing to discuss anything, or not willing to go to some 'help sessions', then keep a close eye, because it could lead to further and more extreme abusive situations.

Dionne - posted on 10/08/2013

22

0

2

Also, he is a NEAT FREAK! To me, a backpack on the couch, or socks on the floor are just signs of life!! And yes, it was his house before we moved here. And I have thought that it is kind of an adjustment for him too. IMO, in order to stay together, we both have to make adjustments, without resentment. Our life is nothing like it was before. But that includes HIM too!

Dionne - posted on 10/08/2013

22

0

2

Thanks Queen.... I actually do find myself missing my single life more and more. I know relationships require accountability, that's not the problem. I actually do see his point on the bar thing... But I personally wouldn't care if he went out to blow off steam with his buddies, as long as he was being a good boy and came home to me in the end. Anyway, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the greater good. To me, constantly checking in, or being restricted as to where I am allowed to be does feel like a control thing. It's more that I feel like he doesn't trust me. He has this thing about low cut tops, sometimes it feels like he has a "thing" about everything! Sometimes I feel like screaming I. His face.... This was good enough when we got together, but now it's constant being criticized. If he could cut down on the criticism, and hyper vigilant behaviour, I think we would be fine. I swear tho, if we have to have another discussion of "my boobs hanging out of my shirt" (Hurley v-neck t-shirts)... I'm going to lose my mind!!!

Queen Of My - posted on 10/08/2013

103

2

19

Well I agree with not going to the bar or dance club - although I get harassed by my friends all the time for my opinion - I just don't think it's a place for married people to go without eachother. Now everyone I know says this and that about my belief - but both my husband and I feel the same about it and neither of us go without eachother. Now - a pub or restaurant is different - can you go out for a glass of wine and an appy with your friends? Does your man want to be in control of where you go or is he just telling you he feels uncomfortable with places A and B? He can't control where you go - but if he feels a certain way about a certain place - you should have a discussion about it.
In terms of the house and making changes, was it his house before or did you buy it together? Is it a control thing or is he reluctant to change?
I don't think you are being a spoiled brat at all. You feel the way you feel. Are you happy in your marriage? I am not asking as if you need to answer me - just yourself - but is it possible that is where you feel unfulfilled? Maybe it's not so much adjusting to being at home but adjusting to your new relationship. It sounds like maybe you feel like you have gone from freedom to lockdown - enforced by your hubby - which isnt good. No one wants to feel like a prisoner. What is it that you crave doing that you are not "allowed" (again a question for yourself)? Do you miss only being accountable to yourself? Or is there an actual activity you miss. If it's the latter - easy - just do it. If there is something you need to do to feel whole then you have to do it. If it is the first - that is much more complicated. It can be hard going from doing whatever you want to having to consider someone else. Do you miss your single life? Is this his first marriage?

I feel like I started this post with a more decisive message but now I am rambling. I will rethink what I am trying to say and try again later... :p

Dionne - posted on 10/08/2013

22

0

2

Hi Shawnn...
Yes, I see it that way too. And that's what I'm wondering.... He says I can do whatever I want, and it's OK by him. Join the gym, do yoga, hang out with my friends, BUT... And here's the but, when it actually comes down to doing those things, it's always with strings attached. I can go out with my friends, but not to bars or dance clubs (sorta makes sense), and he expects me to do "productive" things, but how is that possible, when I can't alter the house in any way? He's all for me going to the gym and to Yoga classes, and even does help by watching the kids sometimes... Am I being a spoiled brat, here, or what? It's more of a feeling of always being "disapproved of" more than anything.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/08/2013

13,209

21

2014

Ok, that's disturbing, and a classic sign of abuse, Dionne. The wish for TOTAL CONTROL, even down to approving your friends, is NOT OK, and you need to tell him that you won't put up with that.

I know, you "don't think he'd ever abuse" you...but honey, it starts with not allowing you to do anything in the home without permission, extends to you not being able to have friends that don't meet his "approval", and ends up in a physical situation when you finally realize you've been emotionally and mentally abused.

Please get counseling, and recommend that he does as well.

Dionne - posted on 10/08/2013

22

0

2

Yep! I know I sound pretty whiny! And I guess I am. Thanks for the posts ladies. I should add that I was a single Mom of 2 9 and 11 and then I met DH with 2 of his own from 2 different Mommies. I recently gave up my job as a Med Lab Tech to take in this new life. From the outside looking in, it seems as though I've totally got it going on. Nice house, beautiful kids (all 4)... I just sometimes feel like I have already done this Mommy thing of little guys and I'm trying to adjust to doing it all over again. Yes, busy is key. My DH won't allow me to so much as hang pictures I. The house without his by your leave tho. So I feel like I don't have the same freedom as before... Where the house was my job, but it was Mine. The ex couldn't care less if I wanted to paint, hang pictures, change the drapes, whatever. This one does. Cares about ABSOLUTELY everything!! No changes to the house, only approved friends, picture perfect house at all times..That's what I mean... I'm wondering if there is more. Or what I can do to feel like there is more.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/08/2013

13,209

21

2014

Actually, no. I have no problem with the kids sharing that top priority spot with my husband.

We are very active, we have lots of hobbies (all of us), we spend most of our time together, even now that the kids are older.

Do I feel I've missed out on anything? Nope, not at all. The secret is in NOT looking to be bored, or overused, but to always look for the good in things.

Gena - posted on 10/08/2013

303

1

655

We try to go out and do stuff as much as possible that i dont get bored,like little trips to parks or to go swim etc. If i do get abit stressed my mom is kind enough to look after our son and i go fishing for the whole day with my hubby.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms