Do you ever regret your decisions about children?

Claire - posted on 09/24/2011 ( 61 moms have responded )

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In a nutshell, I am very sad and depressed over having another child. The bad part is that I planned this child and tried to get pg for months. I have the most precious 3 1/2 yr. old daughter I could ever ask for and I am due with a boy in like two months. I am so sad that my daughter won't have my full attention anymore and it won't just be me and her anymore. I am used to spoiling her with anything she wants and now the money won't be there to do that. I am married and work full time and she goes to daycare. But since she was born I have pretty much been a single mom because my husband works all the time, I mean he is never home. And I cannot believe I just added more work for me to do. I feel like my daughter is going to suffer with this other child in our home. I am too upset over having to deal with a boy because I only have sisters, nieces and my daughter. I feel my daughter is going to hate having a brother and be upset over not having a sister to play with. I thought things would be okay since most people I know have two or even three kids, but now I am struck with regret over getting pg, because I don't think I will be able to adjust and neither will my daughter. Has anyone else ever felt like this or am I just all alone?

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Susmita - posted on 09/26/2011

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Like you, we tried very consciously for a second -- and after we succeeded, I was suddenly full of doubts and fears. I thought -- is my first daughter too young for this? Should we have waited? The age difference between our two girls is 2 years and 7 months. My first daughter was (and always will be) the light of my life, and we lavished attention on her. I had pregnancy insomnia, and I spent some of these sleepless nights gripped with severe worry and anxiety. BTW - it's totally your decision whether to seek therapy and/or medication for what you're feeling. But IMHO, I think it's a natural part of having a child you really love, and doing something extreme (bringing in another child) to change absolutely everything about everyone's life. Note that there are kids' books you can read to your daughter to help to ease the transition. There are tons of them on Amazon.com (we used some books by Joanna Cole and the Sears). Don't worry about spreading negative vibes to your daughter. Just read to her about it and if you're feeling anxious, try to be cautious, slow, neutral. Maybe you can get her a baby doll with a tiny stroller (and when baby is born, she can care for and feed her "baby" like mommy). As far as the baby being a boy...babies are EXCITING to kids. She will be over the moon and won't care a bit it's not a girl. Babies can't play for a good 6-9 months anyway. By the time he can play, what will it matter if he's a boy? Later you can use it to teach her about the fun world of boy stuff: cars and sports. Bottom line: boy or girl, you are giving your child a GIFT. A sibling is a forever gift, to play with (better than any toy), grow with, and grow old with. Nothing teaches better life lessons. One important lesson, really a vital one: to share one's material things and one's parental love. It's actually a GOOD, wonderful thing to learn. It makes for a better person in every way. You are giving something INVALUABLE to your first child. By encouraging her to help as much as possible, you will teach her incredible self confidence. And this is also a great forever gift to yourself. Once you meet your second child, you'll (hopefully) immediately bond and he will become the light of your life, too. There's room in your heart for another person to love. It's hard to imagine now, but there really is. The heart stretches, and the more one loves, the greater one's capacity for love. You love your first daughter so much, I'm guessing you will feel a no less intense bond with your second. My first daughter was in half-day preschool from age 2 onward. You mentioned your daughter is in daycare, and I think that's great, not just for the valuable socialization, but to give her a world of her own, outside the walls of the family unit. As a final note - kids don't need an adult focusing laser beam attention on them; they actually do better without constant hovering. Let your first daughter play independently sometimes and just check in on her, smile, and listen to her singing to herself. Sometimes as parents, we want to be more hands-on and directly involved to satisfy our own needs, than what is necessarily advantageous for the child. Maria Montessori said the best thing an adult can do is get out of a kid's way when they are exploring and stretching their imagination. Having a sibling and playing with him will ignite your daughter's imagination like nothing else, believe me! Hang in there! All will be BETTER than well. All will be wonderful, eventually. Trust. One of my favorite quotes, that carries me through life: "God never gives us more than we can handle."

Katherine - posted on 10/01/2011

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*****Admin Warning*****
No personal attacks please. The OP is asking for advice on being depressed, please stay on topic.

Katherine
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Janice - posted on 09/30/2011

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I have heard many moms talk about being scared about having a second because it does feel like you are doing something bad to your first. But this is absolutely not true. As adults, many (not all) only children wish they had a sibling, few of those with siblings wish they were only children. I dont get along with my sister yet I'm so glad I have her.

I have heard many times by moms of 2 that you think "how could I love another as much as my 1st" but then when #2 comes your heart just grows in a way you never thought it could and you love #2 just as much.

I am 7 months along with #2 and it was not planned. My daughter took 3 years to make and then at a very stressful time I found myself unexpectedly expecting a boy. I have also been very depressed about this pregnancy but mostly because we are not in a good financial position. I know its really hard when every keeps saying things like "Arent you so happy?" and you want to say no but then you would feel even worse for admitting not being sure about the new baby. I just keep reminding myself that babies (and older sisters) dont need a lot of things, they need love. And in the long run this is what is best.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad, I really do understand. Hopefully, it will all melt away once your holding your precious baby boy in your arms.

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Taking care of the new brother will be work, but it is not work that ONLY you should do. Your new baby needs love and attention and nurturing from all three of you. Your daughter will develope a concept of what it means to be a family. It may seem OK to spoil her and make her the center of attention while she is little, but in the long run, it is not good for her when she discovers she is not the center of the universe and has no skills for coping with that reality!. She needs skills for caring for others and sharing...not just sharing her things in the family, but also sharing attention.....sharing chores,...sharing love rather than always receiving. It will be good expereince for her to help you love and care for the baby. It can be a new bonding experience for her to work together in the family to help you. You can teach her so many things about life that will help her as she developes her ideas that mold her decision making later. This could be a wonderful experience for her to learn that THINGS do not really matter, but her relationsips with others are what last and multiply happiness and skills for living.

Nikki - posted on 09/24/2011

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I think you should speak to your health care provider about seeing a psychologist. You seem really down. I had pre natal depression and was a wreck until I got some help. You might feel differently once you have given birth because your hormones will change. Hope your ok :)

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Laura - posted on 05/02/2013

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Yes I have regretted. I am pregnant with my second child and the whole experience is far from enjoyable. Its both mental and psychological torture. I am unmarried, 23 in university and this child belongs to a different guy who I will just say, it wouldv been better if I stayed away from....and now im regretting everything. Now anybody who wants to dish out judgemental verdicts, please, I dont need it, i used birth control and even decided to take an emergency contraceptive the day after but it just didnt work...so let me go on that 1. Believe me I think iv punished myself mentally with regret and sorrow to the brink of a mental breakdown...im just tired. I wish I never had sex with him in the first place. I cant say ive bonded with the baby yet...but i know I will love it when I hold it in my arms, however, now my life is more complex than ever..and my silver lining (baby) still has 7 months to go. In my country,(Zambia) there are no proper adoption agencies, only orphanages and theyr poorly managed...people dont adopt much here...just extended family. In general I regret getting pregnant 100% and if I could go back in time and change this, I most definitely would!

Stephanee - posted on 01/24/2012

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Wow...Its funny to see this because I had my baby and I'm so inlove with him. I can not picture my life with out him, he's just a blessing. He came a month early so he is now almost 2 months and the cutest stinkin' thing. My problem now is my more daughter is jealous. I try to make as much time for her as possible but I am nursing so it is difficult sometimes. I'm def all done having babies though. haha I'm one happy mommy ♥

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Hello Claire - a see a few months has passed since your original post - have you had your baby by now and how are you going?

[deleted account]

When I got pregnant with my second, I was not thrilled. As the pregnancy progressed, several friends (I mean 4 or 5) confided to me that they have been trying for a while to get pregnant a second time and couldn't. It made me a lot more grateful for the baby. She might not have come when I wanted, but she has been such a blessing.

Marsha - posted on 10/01/2011

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HUGS. Having a baby is always a crazy time. For me, when my second was born, my heart just grew that much more. Her older sister accepted her right away, and yes they argue and fight, but they also hug each other and play together, and love each other.
Talking to someone is a great thing to consider. Our hormones are messed up when we are pregnant and after. So getting someone to help you through all of that is the best, you don't want to do something while your hormones are chaotic that you will regret once they have normalized.

Terri - posted on 09/30/2011

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I am sorry that is just really sad. I have three kids and would have never thought that about my kids. I love them.

Leslie - posted on 09/30/2011

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I got on pills for my depressed four months ago and it did not work for me. I took myself right back off them. what help was going to school I was bored. Annoy the depression and it still here, but not so much. its up to you.

Laurie - posted on 09/29/2011

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I understand you feelings...but just be happy you are pregnant and are going to have one of each. I have a 3 almost 4 yr old daughter and I love spending every moment I can with her. We are trying to have another baby because we dont want her to be the only sibling. We want her to have someone she can play with and not be the only child. It took us 6 yrs to have our daughter and now trying again. Hoping and praying.
I bet your daughter will be a big help to you and be the best big sister ever:) You will be amazed on how your feelings will change once you have your little guy. And when you do, just enjoy him. Your daughter will feel very important that she will be a big helper and a BIG sister. She will not feel left out.
Good luck:)

Charlie - posted on 09/27/2011

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Your daughter will be fine and most likely love her brother as long as you dont impose your fears on her.

Perhaps speak to your OB or midwife about how you are feeling , you could talk to a counsellor but it could just be your hormones and natural mothering fears creeping through more likely when you give birth you will not feel the same way ...if you do I suggest you seek someone to get help as it could easily turn into PPD.

Eva-Lotta - posted on 09/27/2011

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People who telly ou that you are selfish etc clearly have never had a feeling in their life.. I have got a 23 month old daughter and a 8.5 month old daughter. Our second daughter was 11 weeks premmie and had to be in hospital for 9 weeks. It was really difficult in so many ways but worst of all was that it was really had to get a good bond with her as we couldn't even hold her for the first month as she was very sick. I felt really torn as I still spent a fair bit of time in the hospital and then had to come home and be all happy and chirpy for my other daughter (whom I have a really strong bond with). When our second daughter finally got to come home from hospital I really struggled as my older daughter was jealous at first. Finding a way that worked to give both the girls attention was hard but the most important part was to involve my older daughter. She "helps" with everything, changing nappies, feeding etc etc etc.... Now the girls absolutely love and adore each other. I can still fall back in the trap and struggle a little at times (I have an amazing partner though who have been really supportive).
It is ok to feel stressed and woried but involve your daughter, talk about what is going to happen when baby comes and when baby does come, involve her in every aspect so she doesn't feel "left out" but that she is part of it! Join a local playgroup or something where the kids can play and you can talk to other mums etc.
I wish you all the best with it! Stay strong and be positive for your kids sake! They will love each other and you will grow to love your new baby too!!!! :)

User - posted on 09/27/2011

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When I got pregnant w/ my last it was completely unexpected. I have 2 teenage girls and a son who at the time just turned 2. We tried for years to have my son. We soon found out there were 2 babies. I struggled with how this was going to affect my 2 yr old son. At 20 wks I started to dialate and was admitted in the hospital for 10 wks. I had so many mixed emotions, and alot of resentment. How could I love these 2 babies at the same time, and how were my older children going to handle this. My relationships with my children were stained. I felt as if I lost my connection with my son. I felt its hard enough with 1, how could he possibly handle 2 new babies taking so much time and attention. My biggest advice, make her a part of EVERYTHING. My twins are now 4 mos, and he "helps" with the baths, burping, changing diapers, and putting there pacifiers in when crying. I think now he truely loves them and cannot wait for them to start playing. Also, make sure you give her lots of one on one time. Things will work out, once you hold your son in your arms you will be filled with so much love. And a son holds a much different place in a mother's heart. Best of Luck!

Keeona - posted on 09/27/2011

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It's really up to u how u feel. I have a 4year old son who is my world in I've been trying toget pregnant forever so to me u are truly blessed so be thankful. I wish I could have another.

Emily - posted on 09/27/2011

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You will get over the regret when you hold your son in your arms for the first time. And your daughter will love her brother as will you.

Sanne - posted on 09/27/2011

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You poor thing, get help straight away. I'm a one child grandmother with 2 more on the way in 3 and 5 mth's.
My grandson is nearly 2 and I even have a tiny bit of doubt that I will be able to love the other 2 as much as I love him.
Having sooo much him & me time.
but logig tels me I'm going to love them just as much and spend just as much time together.
There will be jealousy it's normal, happens everywhere - even in day care.
I am sure you will love your little boy just as much as your daughter and that she will be a sweet big sister, children adapt so quick and love chalanges.
But sweet girl, seek help and do it quick, seek family support and also tell your husband how you are feeling.
Take care and I hope you will find the joy when the little man enters the world.

User - posted on 09/26/2011

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I remember being afraid I would not love my second son as much as my first. It sounds crazy now but it was real to me while I was pregnant. Love just is............you will love this little boy and your daughter will more than likely be excited to be a big sister. Wish I could reassure you more but I think many Moms have concerns while pregnant.

Audrey - posted on 09/26/2011

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First of all, it is good for your child to learn the world does not revolve around her. She does not need Mom's "full attention"She needs to learn to entertain herself whether there is another child in the picture or not. Your daughter will not adjust to a new child if you don't help her. Let her be a part. At her age, she can be your little helper. I was the first born, my brother came along 2 1/2years later. I was totally devoted to him. We all wonder if we have "enough love for two." It will be an adjustment, but you can do it.

Kalpana - posted on 09/26/2011

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By thinking you will not be able to adjust, you are going to get your girl to NOT adjust. Please don't do that. You will never regret any child you have. I have a brother and I love him bits. We are 6 years apart. I would not have it any other way. My kids are both boys and I am thinking of a girl. When I was pg with my second, I got my first involved in everything. Including picking a name and now he is so proud to have picked his brother's name. He wanted to change his diapers, clothes, etc. Get your older one to have the feeling that you will need her to help look after the baby. feeling all grown up and important will help her love her brother more.

You will not regret it! Try not to give off those negative vibes to. Your girl will pick up on it. It will be a harder time on you.

Marie - posted on 09/26/2011

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Don't ever regret it - In fact, First & foremost I have to remind you how lucky you are to even be pregnant & be having a healthy baby! Some don't even get that chance just remember!!!!
After saying that, Yes it is definitely is a big change going from one to two kids, but it is well worth it, and is so much better for them to grow up with brothers & sisters - speak to any grown up only child!
I have been wanting to give my two another sibling for the last two years because I know it will be good for them, my daughter especially! (she is defintely the 'youngest' spoilt brat! as much as i love her!!) My first was a boy, and having grown up with all girls - 4 sisters, plus cousins, etc was so scared of having a boy i didn't even find out the sex even though I could because it was perfectly clear at my 20wk scan. But as soon as I had my baby in my arms I absolutely would not have changed anything. I am soooo glad I had a boy - they are so loving & so much easier than girls. Boys love their mums, thats all there is too it. Girls do too of course, but its just not the same. Love & appreciate your boy and you'll get it back 150% i guarantee.

Dione - posted on 09/26/2011

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You are not alone. I think most of us have had those feelings, especially while pregnant. Hormones are just plain nasty sometimes. Professional help or just someone to talk to might help. I felt the same about having boys and now I have three. They are such special little people, the bond between a mother and son is indescribable. Sometimes taking things away from your children is a gift in itself. In return you are giving her a best friend for life. Even when you are not there she will have her brother - that is valuable beyond words. And would you rather she learnt to share while you are there to gently guide her or have it forced on her once at school? Take a breath and trust that you can do this. Make it special - take your daughter to all the scans, talk about her new baby as he belongs to her as much as you. I really believe children choose their parents, so remember this when you hold your son for the first time - he picked you, you are his world :)

Anita - posted on 09/26/2011

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I think you should seek councelling or help as you may be experiencing pre-natal depression and that needs to be fixed before you have your baby. Your daughter would definitely be picking up on your moods and depression and this would be confusing to her as well. Definitely talk to your doctor or midwife and let them know how you're feeling so you can get help before your world changes again (for the better I might add) Good luck and I hope you've gotten some answers from here xo

Erica - posted on 09/26/2011

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I have a 2 and half year old daughter, and even though I may not understand the anxiety that you are feeling, I know that my daughter absolutely pickes up on my moods and feelings. Your daughter is 3 and half and I can't imagine that she even understands the concept of hate, unless it's been shown or taught to her. I'm not saying be super happy all the time. From what I read you are not alone, just be aware of what you are expressing in front of your little girl because she will certainly learn to be unhappy about the baby only from you.

Erika - posted on 09/26/2011

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There is definitely a lot of fear in your post of so many what ifs but try to focus on the positive what ifs as well. I had my two daughters two years apart and when my second daughter was born, I missed my first daughter terribly. We have all adjusted and are still adjusting and somehow that little guy is going to win all of your hearts over. Take it one day at a time.

Monica - posted on 09/26/2011

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I have 4 children...age range 15 down to 7. I felt this way with every subsequent pregnancy after the first. And I fell in love with each of them once I held them in my arms. It would not hurt to talk to a professional just to get your feelings validated but I can tell you from experience that this is normal. It is hard to imagine loving another child like the first. Our hearts are big enough to love many...this I know. All my kids are so different and there are things I love and things that drive me crazy about each of them.
Try not to worry so much over this. Your daughter will have a best friend for life. Someone that is part of her parents like her. In God's big tapestry of her life she was meant to have this sibling. She will be a better person because of it I promise. :)

Karen - posted on 09/26/2011

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The minute you give birth and see your little baby boy, all your anxiety and doubts will fade away. I'm a single working mother of 3 sons, and I am so thrilled the boys have each other. You will never regret giving your daughter a precious brother.

Melinda - posted on 09/26/2011

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Honestly I hope you are up for opinions. I do think you are being selfish and already setting your daughter up for a negative attitude towards her little brother that will be here soon.

Melinda - posted on 09/26/2011

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I have a 5 year old son, a 3 year old daughter, a 22 month old son, and I'm pregnant with #4. I can understand anxiety. You and your daughter's lives ARE going to change, but change is not a bad thing. It will be hard at first (life with a newborn usually is), but you'll find your new "normal". And just because you grew up with sisters doesn't mean that your daughter won't love growing up with a brother. I know lots of people who love their brothers, believe it or not. :) Your experiences are not your daughter's. She will have her own. And sooner or later, your son and your daughter will be so glad to have each other.

Because my brother and sister were 12 and 14 years older than me and moved away to college as soon as they graduated high school, I grew up like an only child, and I wished and prayed and hoped for a sibling closer to my age, boy or girl, but unfortunately, none came.

My little girl absolutely LOVES both her brothers to pieces even though sometimes they bug her and sometimes they fight, LOL. When they haven't seen each other for an hour or so for whatever reason, she runs and hugs them like it's been a LONG time.

I just want to encourage you to keep an open mind. I know with the hormones and all the pressures that you have, it's hard to be positive, but it sounds like there are a lot of people who have posted that have been or are in similar situations. I hope this encourages you as you prepare for the birth of your son. Don't be afraid to ask for help from family, friends, your doctor, whatever you feel you need. (((((Hugs)))))

Kaitlin - posted on 09/26/2011

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oh honey, I hear you. And what you are experiencing is totally normal. Part of it is hormones. Part of it is reality sinking in. Part of it is anxiety over the unknown. But from experience, I can tell you, it will be incredible, and better than you expect. My husband works all the time. ALL the time. I feel like I'm doing the single parent thing a lot of the time too. I know I have it better than some, but with 2 boys 12 1/2 months apart, I went through all the anxiety too. You are in for an incredible, amazing time. You'll be tired. You'll get frustrated with your husband. But once he's born, you won't regret him. I promise.



ps- this isn't a pity party you are having, despite some comments to that affect. You are normal and not alone.

Christie - posted on 09/26/2011

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ooops! I meant to say "give your son and daughter a chance to show you...."

Christie - posted on 09/26/2011

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I went through that same kind of worry about whether or not my first son would be okay when my second son came along (23 months later). I didn't want son #1 to ever feel sad or lonely or jealous.
He adapted just fine - not perfectly, jealousy is normal.
Your feelings are normal too, but I wouldn't fear not being able to indulge your daughter - you will be amazed at the power of Motherhood, you will love and indulge both of your children.
I agree that you may want to seek help for your own peace of mind/emotions, but trust that you will all be okay and give your son and your daughter to show you just how adaptable they are :)

Rebecca - posted on 09/26/2011

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Oh honey, it sounds like hormones and maybe a bit of depression to me. I had some of the same thoughts about having a boy. Some way, some how it all turns out ok. I am sure the 3 1/2 yr. old will be an awesome helper with the baby. Its like having their own real life doll! Hang in there! you might want to talk to your dr. about depression. Its ok and quite common. I only suffered from it while pregnant too. I have four children and my husband and I currently work FT. We at one time were able to be a family of 6 living on $2000 a month. You can do it too! Ask friends, neighbors, relatives for help. Head to a consignment store and get rid of girls clothes and purchase gently used boys stuff. Since its a boy as it gets older he will probably spend lots of time with dad and you and your daughter will get plenty of time together. You will be fine but you just have to ask others for help!

Stephanee - posted on 09/26/2011

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It is spooky how much you and I have in common. I am in my 3rd trimester with a baby boy that I planned with my husband. I have a three year old daughter who is my whole life. I also have a husband who is a project manager and therefore is never ever ever ever home ever. I've been having major anxiety over having this 2nd child because I don't know how I'm going to cope with all of this on my own. Once again I will be getting no sleep, nursing, trying to get my figure back, and taking care of not one but two children. I'm scared. I also know though that even if my daughter doesn't like this baby at 1st, she will in the long run. One day my husband and I will not be here and now she'll never be alone in this world. There will always be someone here for her. And of course, vice versa. I've actually have had guilt because when I was pregnant with my daughter I was sooooo excited and this pregnancy I've been less excited, less connected, and less involved. However, every time I feel him kick I can't help but notice and smile. I always grab my stomach when he kicks, and that alone shows how I do love this baby boy. We have also named him, and that really has helped with the bonding process. When I have anxiety I talk to him now, he doesn't know what I'm saying but at least he gets to know my voice and I get to express all of my feelings which really helps. I'm also having anxiety of having to give birth again (my daughter was an easy labor but a difficult delivery.) That actually kept me up last night. I just keep telling myself that I don't have to do this again. This is it. And now I will have a healthy girl and (God willing) a healthy boy. How lucky is that!? There are sooooo many women out there (including my cousin) who want a child so desperately that I don't want to overlook how lucky I am. And the good news is once this baby does come, at the end of the day if I'm really stressed I can always have a glass of wine! haha (Something we can't do now, at least when the pregnancy is over we can start working to get our lives back to where they were.) Good luck! :)

Pam - posted on 09/26/2011

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omgosh you are soooo not alone. i have a 4yr old dd and my son just turned 2 on sat. when i got pregnant, i wanted a girl soooooooooo much that i was sad when i found out it was a boy, extatic that he was healthy but i wanted dd to have a sister. BUT, having a little boy is amazing. nothing like a love for your little boy. i thought the same thing about having another child after i got pregnant, but it will be just fine!!! you will still have your 1/1 time w/your dd, but you will have to make time for it. your heart will double 100% w/love, it won't be split. and my husband travels for work, so i know how you feel, except i stay at home w/my kids. my dd and ds get along soo well. she is very protective of him, but don't get me wrong, she still won't let him play w/her stuff...lol. it will work out!!!!

Ilana - posted on 09/26/2011

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It is sad that you are depressed over having another baby. Children are a gift from God and so many women cannot have them. Also, the fact that you spoil your daughter and give her anything she wants is not doing her any favors. It only teaches her to be a spoiled individual and will set her up not knowing how to handle NO in her life. That is not good parenting. Also, having a brother will (or should) teach her how to share and to care for another individual (if you let it). I think you should re-examine your priorities and also what are you trying to teach your child(ren) that will get them ready for life. And also, thank God for healthy children. Stop focusing on the negatives and focus on your blessings.



I have three beautiful children (ages 23, 9 and 6) and they have brought me the greatest challenges and also far greater joy in my life. I would never regret having them and can't imagine my life without them.

Monica - posted on 09/26/2011

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I am sure that you are not the only person who has ever felt this way. I have four children and on occasion they wonder why I didn't just have them. I will admit that if I had only one child things would have been much easier financially, and I was a single mother for some time after my youngest was born. I can say this, your daughter will more than likely be just fine with a brother. I would do my best if I were you not to show to much disappointment to your daughter, it would not be fair to her to have those same feelings going into this because of influence.

[deleted account]

You have a lot of good advice here. My thoughts are quite similar. Start talking excitedly to your daughter about this new baby. Start telling her how much fun this will be, and how mich help you will need from her. As you get her interested and then excited, I believe your thoughts will also begin to change. Being needed makes all people feel good about themselves, including little children. As you begin the prep work for this new one, have your daughter help you in any way that you can. Also, God wants you to know that you are never alone. Ask Him for help and He will be there for you. It will not always be easy, but it WILL BE WORTH IT.
My best to you.
Kqren

Pamela - posted on 09/25/2011

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Sounds like you're emotionally rocky for some reason. It's a bit too late for regrets and feeling as you described is not going to benefit anyone. Not you, your husband, your daughter or your new son. Instead of being thankful for for new life growing strong within you you are looking at the past and getting hung up over nothing. You have made the choice. First children always get more attention than 2nd and 3rd or more because they are first.



You will adjust and so will will your daughter and new son. It is VERY IMPORTANT to prepare your daughter to be excited about the birth of her brother. It is also important to include her in helping you as much as you can when the new baby comes. Have her help you fold clothes and put them away and any other small chores that get her excited about having a baby brother.



The MOST IMPORTANT thing to do is to FOCUS on the present moment. REMEMBER that the past is the past and we cannot change it. The future has not yet arrived and we can only prepare for it the best we know how. but THE PRESENT is a GIFT!!!!! That's why we call it the present. It is a Divine gift and is truly all we have. LEARN TO FOCUS on THIS GIFT and be thankful for it.



If you are feeling so alone, talk to your husband about this and try to set apart special time for the two of you....even if it's just a few moments each day. Take 5 minutes to sit and hold each other's hands and just allow the love to flow from your heart to his and vice versa. You'll be surprised how much this simple act can heal all of the moments of "alone" you are feeling.



If you don't take the time to do that with your husband, then do it for yourself. Imagine the Divine (by whatever name you call) sitting across from you. Imagine that energy holding your hands and sending you LOVE.



Hopefully this will heal the "pity party" you seem to have invited into your head. Be thankful that your son is healthy and whole, that you aren't a single Mom and that you have a daughter who can be of help here and there when the baby comes. Include her as much as you can in the whole process. She will adjust easily if it is done in the correct manner.



May your lives blossom with LOVE and not regret.

Teri - posted on 09/25/2011

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Your second one will become just as important as the first one. One does not deserve more than the other. I struggled with this when I has just had my second child. I struggled with the fact that My first born, my son would hate me and everything he was used to with me and his dad would be ruined and taken away from him. But I also felt guilty that my second born, my daughter, never got those first few years that my son got with all of the one on one attention! It really bothered me and I wished I would have just had twins but they are now 5 and 3 and It couldnt be any more perfect for us. My son had to give up a little bit of his mommy and daddy but gained a best friend that he will protect and love for the rest of his life*my hopes) and my daughter never had us all to herself but she was born into a family with more people to love her. Everyones stories are different and it doesn't make them better or worse! But PLEASE seek medical advice. Pre-natel and Post-Partum depression can go very very very badly! There have been moms who have killed their children due to psychosis from the depression. It is nothing wrong with you as a person, it's about all the chemical and hormonal changed us women endure becoming mothers! We are pretty amazing and need to cut ourselves some slack sometimes :) Hope things get better!!!

Carol - posted on 09/25/2011

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My oldest daughter was almost 4 when her brother was born and she loved him dearly. She was a big help with him too, especially when I had another boy 18 months later. The child I wasn't sure I wanted was my surprise fourth child, but that daughter has turned out to be a huge blessing and I don't know what I'd do without her now. (She's 24.) God knows what children we need and He will give the strength for rearing them. May He bless you and your children and husband and give you all joy together.

Cathi - posted on 09/25/2011

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I had a brother growing up and we were friends, then enemies, and then when he went away to college, I couldn't bear to be without him and went to his college and we've been close ever since. I myself have two girls who are now in their twenties. Both pregnancies were different and the girls are the best of friends but so very different from each other. I was bound and determined that the second child (me, being a second child myself) would not get less pictures taken of them, less kisses and cuddles than the first, etc... You will be able to adjust and as a good parent you help your daughter to adjust to another sweet blessing. Having siblings teaches great values such
as sharing, kindness, cooperative play, empathy, the list goes on and on. I am also a kindergarten teacher and can see on a daily basis those children whose parents can see past themselves and don't have the time to teach their children the idea of "the world doesn't revolve around you". Children are a blessing from God and it is up to us as parents and teachers to mold that child into a caring and resourceful person. Just because you grew up with all sisters, your daughter will not have that mindset unless you plant it there. She will love a little brother that she can be helpful with and take care of and love. BTW, you need to get your husband more involved in your life as well as your children's lives. He is missing out on the young years and they are the most formative years...they set the foundation for the years to come. BTW #2...from what I hear, little boys hold their mommies' hearts forever and ever!!

Rachel - posted on 09/25/2011

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My daughter was about 3 yrs 3 months when I had my little boy (now 20 months) both planned. She loves her little brother to bits and they play really nicely together. I also worried about these things when I was expecting my son I think it's normal to feel this to a certain degree but if you're really upset about it talk to your midwife they're there to help you. Hope this helps

Sharon - posted on 09/25/2011

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Hi, I can totally understand how you feel. When I got pregnant the 2nd time, it was not planned and I was absolutely devastated. My daughter was only 1 and I was pretty sure I didn't want another baby. My husband worked away a lot of the time, I was very low throughout the pregnancy and was also very ill throughout it. However, from the minute my son arrived, I was so overwhelmed with him. I love him to pieces and I felt it from the minute I was left on my own with him in the hospital. He's now two and his sister is four and they get on great (well, other than the usual fights) and I'm so happy that my daughter has a sibling and little friend. I worried about how she would take it and that I would never love another baby like I did my daughter but I really do love them both. Hope this helps. S

Carmen - posted on 09/25/2011

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Wow your not alone these days alot of women feel the same especially is the man is not their to help you need to sit down with your husband and talk I'm sure your both over feeling the same. He needs to be their for u as well as his new son we as woman can only show a boy how to be but only a dad can make him a man. Long story short your not alone plenty of woman have raise two kids boys & girls it's hard but it is worth when all your hard work is complete they will love u more for all u have given up to bring them onto the world. I hope this gives u comfort knowing your not the only one congrates on ur new bundle joy I say because I raised two on my own wit now dad and I don't regret a day that goes by they grown women now with kids of their own now they appreciate everything I have giving up for them to be in this world kids r a blessing no matter the situation. 

Susan - posted on 09/25/2011

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I felt that way. I have a 19 year old and a 6 year old. They are both girls. When I told my oldest daughter I was pregnant, she freaked out. I was not so happy about the news myself. It meant starting all over and feeling that I would not have as much time or money to do things with my first child. To make the long story short, it all worked out. It is amazing at how close they are. They are each others favorite people. It is a bit crazy at times, having one in college and the other in kindergarden, but I wouldn't trade it....now. Oh, I am also a single mother.

Fluttterby - posted on 09/25/2011

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when you have one child it's hard to imagine having enough love to be that close to a 2nd child, but i think(hope) you'll be pleasantly surprised at how easy it really is..

Amy - posted on 09/25/2011

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I'm hoping you are just having horemone issues. I don't think it will be that bad. I have a 9 year difference between my oldest and my second child. You just have to divide your time and you can do it in so many ways. Spend time doing things with your daughter (cooking, spa day at home, reading) and get her involved with the baby; she can read to her baby brother, and you will be surprised how much she will love to play with him.
I hope you talk to someone about your feelings and are able to work through them.

Jill - posted on 09/25/2011

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I have been in your EXACT shoes. My DD was 3 1/2 when my second DD was born. My hubby is a fireman and we lived on a very large farm. He also worked another PT fire dept so he would work 48 hours and then farm on his day
off. I stayed home and I felt the same way about that one on on attention with my oldest DD. When she was born I cried a lot only because she was having a hard time adjusting to the new morning schedule. My mom stayed with us for a couple of weeks and that really helped with attending my oldest DD's needs. When she left to go back home, 10 minutes later, we all just got into a routine like nothing ever changed. I surprised myself.

What's important is to focus on is explaining to your DD about how much more love will be in your family and when her baby brother gets older, they will be able to play together, etc.

There are also ways your DD can help. She can wipe his mouth when he eats, get the diapers and wipes when it's time for changing, she can help sing him to sleep and help make him laugh.

You will surprise yourself amd you will be a wonderful mother to two beautiful children. Your DD will adjust and so will you. I hope this makes sense as my own 2 girls have interrupted me a million times while trying to write this. If you need to talk, email me. Allaboutjillzy@gmail.com

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I felt the same way when I found out with my second child. She wasn't planned and my oldest was only 5 months old. I was really upset, after all my oldest was just old enough to sleep through the night. When it got close to time to have the baby, we began talking her up to her sister. Telling her mommy was going to have a baby and how much baby loves her. Honestly, it has not been nearly as tough as I thought it would be. The new baby fits right in. She is 3 month old and her sissy loves her! For me, what helped it work was making sure my oldest was taken care of (food, water, toy) before sitting down to feed my youngest. I also get my oldest to help care for her sister (throwing away diapers, bringing a bottle). When my oldest takes a bath, I bathe her sister as well. I didn't want a second baby, but I am so happy I had one. It won't be as bad as you think.

Jessica - posted on 09/25/2011

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i know how you feel. i'm pregnant with my third and i'm wondering how i'll be able to do it. My hubby works during the day so I look after the two kids I have. My daughter is spoiled because I sleep in the same bed with her and spend most of my time catering to her. My son is four and independent in a lot of ways. I'm not sure how my daughter is going to handle not being the baby anymore. My son took to her fine when she was born but I didn't really spoil him as much as I do her. She was born two days after my birthday so I feel a special connection with her because of it. I'm sure I'll love this child but at this point I'm just not sure. Although once this one is born, that's it I'm done having children. So trust me I know how you feel. But I'm sure you and your daughter will adjust to the new bundle of joy just like I will and my daughter will. Children are every resilent so you'd be surprised by what they can handle. Just remind her that she will always be your little girl and that although the baby comes first sometimes, you will still be there for her whenever she needs you. And sometimes you will still be able to spoil her, maybe have a friend look after the baby while you take her to the park or something just the two of you can do. Maybe she could help out with the baby sometimes, like getting a diaper when you are changing him or helping by picking out something for him to wear. It will help her feel important.

Amanda - posted on 09/25/2011

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I felt a similar way when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. She was not planned and I didn't know I was pregnant until I was 18 weeks along. I was devastated. My son was a handful, I was working full time and we had agreed we didn't want anymore kids. Along with the fact my son was premmie and I didn't wana go through that again. I had no interest in the pregnancy and honestly didn't want her. To top it off my son was only 8 months old when I would have fallen pregnant so I have a 17 month age gap. I didn't think I would cope and didn't want to.My husband is a shift worker so doesn't get much time at home so I was bringing up 2 kids under 2 on my own. I had to cancel a holiday to see my mum because my doctor wouldn't allow me to fly, I was a mess my entire pregnancy.

When she was born it was a totally different story. She was and still is the most beautiful little thing I have ever seen (apart from my son) and I have had times where I feel so awful that I didn't want her. Now I wouldn't be without her.

Things always work out andyou will find a way to deal with it. You will also be surprised at how well your daughter will adjust to the new baby.

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