Do you ever stop being angry

Jasmine - posted on 11/03/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have always have a rough relationship. He's always been verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, he would walk out on us to his moms every chance he got whether we had good or diapers or not. He didn't care. I left the situation before we got married and stayed with my sister. I had a job, a new man, everything. All the sudden, like many times before, he decided he wanted me back. I refused for weeks. Finally he found out who I was with and sent him intimate pictures of us to him. The new guy didn't care, it was me who cared. So I left him because I was soo humiliated. My husband would start coming by my work and he'd cry when I had to go. I thought that really showed he cared. So I took him back and married him a few months later. We later moved to another state for 8 months. Things were great, until we moved back.
Once we moved back he started cheating, which I didnt find out until much later. But the sick part was, he was talking and meeting with a woman while trying to get me pregnant at the same time.
Finally I had enough of his bailing so I left and again, refused to take him back. He said he wouldn't sign papers. He wanted me to give him until our anniversary a few months later to change. If i still wasn't happy, he'd sign the papers. But that was after calling me every name in the book, mocking what happened to me as a kid, everything. Either way I agreed. Come to find out a few weeks later I was 7 weeks pregnant. So we moved back in together. Which he was still cheating on me.
I thought everything was fine for about a month until our anniversary came around. I had a whole nice dinner, his favorite cake I had made and a few other things ready for him. I was soo excited to give it to him. He had absolutely nothing for me. All he could say about me was he was happy I wasn't a drug addict. Valentines day was the next day and still, nothing from him. I'd never cried soo hard in my life.
A few weeks later his cousin needed someone to watch her house while she went on a vacation. So we volunteered. A few days in to it, he just left us there. Said he wasn't coming back. Again, called me every name in the book. Wouldn't even talk to our son. Finally she came back, found out what he did and screamed at him. So he came and picked us up and took us back home.
It only lasted about a week but he just became more verbally abusive. One of the nights I went upstairs and logged on to the computer. His facebook was clean but he had dating profiles and he was contacting people on Craigslist to hook up. He did it on our anniversary, my birthday, Christmas, valentine's day. I counted at least 40 different people. I confronted him and his only response was, "good, now you know so leave or I'll throw you out". I cried myself to sleep every night while I packed and I left back to my sisters.
During that whole month at my sisters I had found out he had been cheating for almost a year. I'm still pregnant at this point. He had been talking to a woman for almost a year now. He played me the whole month. Every couple days he loved me, then he was bailing. Come to find out he had sex with her and then came and had sex with me. He posted their relationship online while trying to work things out with me. I confronted him and he just said it was a game to make me mad. I eventually left my sisters after a month to go live 2 hours away from him.
During my stay 2 hours away, he was telling me how fat (I'm a size 0, even pregnant), blown out, disgusting and worthless I was. How he wished he had met her before me. He told me to kill myself at least 20 times in one convo and then told me he hoped I died giving birth. All I kept saying to him the whole time was to just stop. At many points I did want to kill myself. I even starTed making plans. I just couldn't live like that.
He told people soo many lies about me, had everyone trash talk me and harass me. And i was 5-8 months pregnant this whole time. This woman knew he was married, knew I was pregnant, stole my wedding rings, pots and pans, cloths, my son's toys, she was a drug addict and she'd been 5 jail for it. Smoked pot in front of her kids, when she didnt throw them off on the grand parents. I never understood why he'd find that attractive. I've never done drugs, never been to jail, spent every moment with our kids, we were such opposites. But he said he had left her, sent me proof and I unfortunately believed that. So we spent a month planning the move and we moved again. Stupid, I know. Come to find out after we moved, I found his other dating profile with at least 20 more women, he had talked and tried to hook up with the woman he abandoned me for behind my back, he said he never received any naked pictures but a few weeks before we moved he saved all her naked pics in his email. Found more craigslist hook ups. He had cheated on me my entire pregnancy and lied to my face. I had asked him many times to tell the truth and he wouldnt. He never does until I find out for myself. He was contacting women all the way up to a few days before the move. His only excuse is "he likes sex" or he tells me it's "no big deal" and "I need to get over it".
He hasn't done anything since the move, that I've found, yet, but I still can't get over it. I feel soo betrayed. I can't get over the anger and sadness. I finally MONTHS later got him to apologize, but I had to fight for it. Does the anger ever stop? Does the sadness ever go away? Des the feeling of wanting to give up and walk away ever stop? Should I even be here? I'm soo angry he was cheating and trying to get me pregnant at the same time. I'm just lost

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Jodi - posted on 11/03/2015

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In all of this, I never once saw that you have seen a counsellor or therapist. Do it. Now. You are an abused wife and while you say you recognise that, you are not recognising that during all the times he is being nice to you, he is doing what typical abusers do - emotionally manipulating you. ALL of it is abuse. It needs to stop. You need to stop taking him back. You need to walk away and not look back. Go and talk to a counsellor. Tell the counsellor what you told us. That counsellor will help you work through and unpack all of that so that you can gain a true understanding of what is actually happening here, and help you accept what you need to do.

Sarah - posted on 11/03/2015

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How many times would you run face first, full speed into a brick wall and get knocked out before you'd finally quit? What reward do you get from this relationship? How do you get supported and feel cherished. Get yourself into some serious therapy and learn your own self worth. Leave the dirty dog and don't look back. In the meantime, file for divorce, spousal support and child support. Apply for housing and food assistance and get yourself back on your feet. If he want to see his son, let the courts determine a visitation or shared custody arrangement. I your proceedings request the judge require drug testing for both of you. If you are clean and he is not, a series of clean tests will help you maintain primary custody.

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Raye - posted on 11/03/2015

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Get out and don't look back. You will have to co-parent with him because you have a child together, but you do not have to be in a relationship with him. He is a horrible person, and he doesn't love you (or deserve you). He was using you. You are worth more than that, and your child deserves to have a mother who is happy with herself and any relationship you may find yourself having in the future.

Jasmine - posted on 11/03/2015

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Especially for my kids. I've never seen our son hurt soo bad. This time he was old enough to know what was going on. My husband acts like nothing even happened

Jasmine - posted on 11/03/2015

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I am in therapy which made me open my eyes and question the entire relationship, realize what I had been tolerating that I shouldn't, and realize where I've stood with him this whole time. Ive been diagnosed with ptsd from him and other past experiences, major depression, insomnia, and borderline personality disorder which he described it as I've developed a severe fight or flight personality I can't shut off to protect myself from him. Now I don't know if I want to be with him or not. I love him but I can't get over what he did. That's not love. Other days in fine and I don't think of it and other days in soo angry I just want to explode. I just don't know if its worth it to work through the pain or leave, deal with the pain and start new.

Dove - posted on 11/03/2015

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Get into therapy. I do not think the anger will go away until you get out of that situation. He is not apologetic for his behavior... so it isn't likely to ever change. He has to WANT to change and WANT to work w/ you. If he isn't admitting he was wrong and working w/ you (through therapy)... he doesn't want a real relationship w/ you. He will just keep using you cuz it's too easy. You need to decide if this is what you want from your life or not... which you can do through therapy.

Jasmine - posted on 11/03/2015

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I ran out of space but the whole 5 months this was going on, he wouldn't talk to our son. Our son would HAVE to call him. And even then, when he wasn't too busy with his mistress or work to pick up, he'd spend maybe 30 seconds on him and that's all our son would get for 2 weeks, if longer. I had to watch our son ball his eyes out because he didn't understand.

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