Do you tgink my daughter is telling the truth??!!

Christine - posted on 07/20/2014 ( 19 moms have responded )

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My daughter has a long history of behavior issues and non stop lying we went to every councilor there was after she came to live with me at the age of 7 she now tells me at the age of 21 that my current husband of 20 years has molested her between the ages of 7-14 and then had sex with her at 14 she was always very permicuious and a very delivish angry way about herself that was terrifying for me BC she would make lies up on me and me my husband would argue and then she gets to do what she wants I noticed she was very controlling over her step father and she was the middle girl of 4 brothers she controlled them she had a baby when she was 17 and lived with us until she met someone that was just like her and they decided they would take control of my house disrespect me and so forth so they had to go she was 20 now she is having child number 3 and her words were to me: if you dont want me to start leaving the kids with you and I know how you really feel...then let me tell you what your nasty husband did to me...now do you think this is a revenge thing BC I didn't want to be around their drama anymore or is she really telling the truth I asked her for details she has none I said give me the Dr. Name I'll go to counseling with you never responded...idk what to believe but I'm separated now... Advice please ty?!

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Jodi - posted on 07/23/2014

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Joanne, the girl is now an adult. I'd hardly think the doctor would be able to find out anything for sure.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2014

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Perhaps she blocked it. Then, as she got older, it resurfaced, and she remembered all. Its not uncommon at all. Being a parent will awaken things that you had forgotten, or blocked, etc.

My husband, an adult survivor of extreme sexual abuse, had the same issue...the severe remembrance of what was done to him as a child had him extremely paranoid about anyone around our kids, including himself, even though he never once had an abusive bone in his body, because he was a victim of his father's sexual deviance, he was afraid that 'deep down' he'd be the same. We had A LOT of sessions about it before the eldest was born.

Adult survivors of child sexual abuse are a hell of a lot stronger (and more private) than you realize.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2014

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Have you considered that, perhaps, just perhaps, some of her behaviour when she initially returned to your custody was also a result of abuse?

Dove - posted on 07/22/2014

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Now that I actually read Shawnn's post instead of responding first.... I could have just saved myself the words and said 'ditto.'

Dove - posted on 07/22/2014

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I was, most likely, molested when I was a child. I have NO CLUE for real (though strong suspicions based on other things)... as I can not remember 99% of my childhood. Maybe she is now in counseling that helped unblock past memories.

I was also raped as an adult... I told NO ONE for a year... and have still told very, very few people (other than online... lol).

You can't look at an abused person's reactions as logical to what 'you' would do... if you've never been abused. Who knows why she never spoke up earlier? SHE might not even know.

I'm sorry you are ALL going through this.

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Joanne - posted on 07/23/2014

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If its true that her stepfather had sex with her take her to a docter and let him find out and you know for shore i hope that helps

A - posted on 07/21/2014

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Because you are looking at it from a logical stand point, well she was ok with us then so why not now. For her it was an emotional stand point. She may have been suppressing her feelings on it and now that she is older with kids of her own she is coming to terms with what has happened and she is lashing out for you not in her mind being there- granted you didn't know but in her mind she may feel let down that you didn't just know. You can't approach this from a logical stand point. The only logical thing you can do is have him and maybe anyone else investigated. All of the aftermath is emotional.

Christine - posted on 07/21/2014

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Then y tell me now after all those years...before she moved out with her new boyfriend last yr she didn't seem to have a problem with being around us and for the last couple of years like 17-20 she kind of slowed down on her issues but they never went away so confusing but I do appreciate everyone's support

Christine - posted on 07/21/2014

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She had years of therapy since she came back to me she had school counseling she was around family listen I'm not that type of person I dont push things on anyone maybe she wasn't comfortable then telling me maybe it never happened who know but soon to find out on a lie detector test in August so lets see...

Dove - posted on 07/21/2014

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I have to agree w/ Shawnn about that possibility. I can't guarantee it, of course, but your entire OP sends up red flags of an abused little girl. :(

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2014

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but, here's the deal. You may be mom, but you are not a counselor, and she was not comfortable at that time with you. Rather than pushing it yourself, and then accepting it when she said nothing, you should have had her seen then.

No, I don't think your daughter is lying now. I think she was abused and molested before she came into your custody, and I think that your current husband continued the behaviour. What you are describing is a sexually abused young girl, who, by the time she's in your home, has been groomed to be a sexual object, and was continued to be abused after that.

Christine - posted on 07/21/2014

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Yes..we looked at every possible thing we went for therapy sessions I asked her alone was anything going on or was anyone doing anything to you or have they done something and the answer was always no I also tried to be very close with her knowing she was my only daughter but she didn't want to have that bond with me she always tried to get me and my husband to fight...and she showed no fear in my husband.they always seemed to get along...in a father daughter way...

Christine - posted on 07/21/2014

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This was very helpful ty...I've never seen any out of ordinary ways about him he always worked he would sleep early I was a stay at home mom and was always around my children but I can't say it didn't happen BC I don't know anything is possible I'm looking back and o dont see where he would of had the opportunity,but I do know that she was controlling BC she is the only girl she has 4 brothers and she always tried to boss them around...she had away about her to make people feel sorry for her or convince them into to doing stuff for her I don't get it...and about a secret behind me I dont know about that but she seemed to be in some type of competition with me and looked for alot of attention she didn't like females for some reason..ty for the thought....

LTM - posted on 07/21/2014

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I cannot ignore such a sad question. You are in a very difficult position. It is impossible for anyone to know just what her motives are ... however it does sound like she has the profile of a child abuse victim. The lying, the promiscuity etc are not uncommon.

I think you'll have to be very honest with yourself when thinking back on her childhood, Christine. Did your husband ever do things or say things that - with the benefit of hindsight - you find suspicious or alarming?

You say she was 'very controlling over her step father'. How ... and why? Is there any possibility that they shared a secret from you, which gave her power over him?

Yes, there is a possibility that she's lying and seeking revenge. Sadly, there's also a possibility she is telling the truth. Either way, you are in a very difficult place and I feel for you. Perhaps you could say: 'I desperately hope what you said isn't true, but if it is, you need to talk to me and help me understand. I am your mom. If you are ready to talk to me, I am ready to listen.'

Then try and work through it together. You are the only one who can decide whether or not you think she's lying.
Good luck.

Christine - posted on 07/21/2014

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Its not like that at all she was not being pushed to do anything or demanded she was asked ....and the reason I say I can't tell if she is lying is BC she is a twisted mind manipulating person ever since she was younger that's why I say devilish...were not talking little innocent girl here maybe you misread She was like this when she came back to me at 7 she was always controlling of everyone sneaky bossy lying she had alot of issues when she came back to me we went through years of therapy nothing ever came up on this issue then al of a sudden I dont want to be her built in babysitter and she says this...she isn't someone you can trust she will back stab you in a second and she tried getting me locked up a few times when she was younger she BC she didn't want to be told what to do.. And I am a parent I did offer to be by her side and asked what she thought was best she has no details no answer for any of the questions .and my husband is going for testing he offered...so we will see shortly...ty

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2014

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So, why did you automatically ASSUME she was lying to you about molestation? You go on to describe some pretty convincing grooming and molestation behaviours, and yet you blame everything on a "permiscuious and very delivish angry" 14 YO. (I'm assuming you mean 'promiscuous', and 'devilish'...)

YOU ARE A PARENT. Your first concern at that point, ESPECIALLY since the man in question was not her father, should have been to investigate the allegation, rather than blame your daughter for possibly being raped.

Personally, however, had I been in her shoes, and raped by my stepfather, I most certainly wouldn't want my kids around him, but she may be seeking to retain a relationship with you.

As far as you demanding the name of her counselor...That's her business, not yours, and if she needs you to come to a session, if the counselor suggests it, then she will ask, but if not, you don't have any right to interfere with that. And to suggest that she go on a television program to bare her problems to the world was extremely inconsiderate.

Have her stepfather investigated.

Christine - posted on 07/21/2014

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Yes....she is seeing a therapist about all her issues but I think she starting going to that person BC she lost her SSI check and she wanted to show them she has problems to get it back trust me I've asked to sit in with her on her sessions she won't tell me where she goes she won't give the Dr. Name I
asked her what do you think we should do about this situation she just ignores me we have no contact at all she deleted me from fb I gave her my cell number so we can text or talk and nothing its been over 2 months now I even suggested she go on Steve wilkos show but she said nothing to that I dont get it wouldn't you want to pursue the situation and get him in trouble if this happened upon....my husband wants to go for a lie detector test but now we have to pull out close to 1,000.00 just to find out if this is true..im trying to give it a little more time to see if she is willing to do something if not we have no choice for.the test BC I have two sons with my husband I have kept them from him so far...and if he has done this he should be punished so no one else gets hurt....

Jodi - posted on 07/21/2014

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OK, can we just go back to the part where she said she was molested by your husband between the ages of 7-14? Why are you dismissing that? You have an absolute obligation to follow through with investigation of that allegation. Get her to talk to a counsellor and if she truly is going to make those accusations, she should file reports.

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