do you think its always in the best intrest to work things out for the child?

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Nikki - posted on 07/04/2010

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No!!!!!!

My parents were married for 26 years fought for almost 20, stayed together for the kids or so they called it, my dad had an affair for 7 years and all they ever did was argue, they slept on seperate floors, it was like a war zone for me and my brother, finally when I was 25 they split and that was the happiest day of both mine and my brothers life, finally the bickering ended and everyone could go on living there life and not have to deal with absolute chaos

Elisabeth - posted on 07/07/2010

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It's been proven to be more emotionally devistating for a child to stay in a home where the parents fight. Even if they don't fight in front of the children there will always be tension and children can be very sensitive to this sort of thing.
If I use an example of myself, my parents marriage started to decay when I was about 7 yo, they stayed together for the sake of my sister and me. It was horrible, people say that children will blame themselves for the parents break up, well they do the same every time they fight or are unhappy with each other. My parents never fought in front of me, but I always felt their resentment for one another which passed off onto me and my sister. They were always in a bad mood when they were around each other and what kind of a home is that, where everyone is always in a bad mood, nobody wanting to have fun or even just relax. They used to fight at night, when they thought I was asleep, I heard everything they said. I lay awake in the dark, not being able to sleep thinking it was all my fault. Me and my sister planned to run away so that they would stop. We thought they would stop fighting if we were'nt there, we never did though. When I was 11, they seperated and mum left with both of us, it was the best thing she could of done.

Alli - posted on 07/06/2010

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Life and relationships are what you make of them. If you're truely unhappy your child will be unhappy too. Think long a hard before you make the decision, it doesn't just impact you anymore.

[deleted account]

Sounds to me like you're confused and hurt but not over it....Dr. Phil would recommend counseling. ;) I would suggest that you at least talk to someone, a professional that can give you some perspective! Don't do it JUST for the children but from what you described I don't think you're ready to move on. I don't know you so I hope that doesn't seem forward?

Good luck with whatever you decide.....remember.....a happy mommy is a happy baby! ♥

Jodi - posted on 07/04/2010

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Sarah, why not try the counselling and see if that can help you get past the cheating? Personally, I don't blame you for wondering if you could ever get past it. My husband never did with his two exes, and he ended the relationships. But he never had the doubts. If you are struggling with this, why not just have some counselling for you, and that way you can explore your feelings about it and find a way to move forward, whichever options it is.

But no, don't stay together only for the children.

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28 Comments

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Christy - posted on 03/16/2011

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In my opinion, I believe a couple should try to work things out for the kids such as going through marriage counseling at first. Because I think when a couple gets married we are confessing and making a commitment to God that no one could separate you two. Thats why when we say our vows its thru death do us part, however if both are you just totally unhappy and there is no hope...I do think maybe it might be best to do separate or get divorce and somehow explain to your kids about the situation. Have them try to understand what is happening and no matter what happens to them being separated and not a family no more...that you both love them and will always be there for them.

Sarah - posted on 07/11/2010

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we have been seperated 6 months and he has been saying he wants to work things out but he obviously hasnt changed.. and i allready have the child suppport full custody and legal

Katherine - posted on 07/09/2010

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No. Because we your kids leave the house and live on their own, who are you left with?

Michelle - posted on 07/09/2010

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yeah get out and get your baby out of there now. He is bad news so sorry Sarah.

Jodi - posted on 07/09/2010

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Sarah, time to organise court ordered visitation and child support. Sorry, this isn't going to work.

Sarah - posted on 07/09/2010

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for everyone who has been following this post yesterday was my sons first birthday my "husband" from here on out i will refer to him as mike had a birthday party for peyton we agreed he would be home btween 7 and 8 i called to see if he wantd to keep him till 9 bc i had something that came up 5 mins later i called him back to tell him never mind and he refused to pick up his phone so i went to pick peyton up anyways when i arrived there was an unfamilar vehicle there... i was told it was just gunna be family. mike walks out of the house and tells me im not getting him till 9... then two girls who barely look 18 if that walk out and wolnt even look at me i asked them who they are & he wolnt answer in front of them... then after they get in their car and leave i ask again he says they work with his step mom.... im sorry but doesnt look like he has changed and if he wanted to work things out so bad then why was he so rude to me. i had to sit in my jeep for 30 mins in 100 degree weather waiting for him to bring out my son. doesnt seem to me like he really wants to make it work... its a game bc he just wants what most guys want and he thinks bc we were married im gunna give it up to him easy

Majo - posted on 07/07/2010

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There are always exceptions to the rule, It's in the best interest to talk things out for the child and if you both want to try harder then do so. However if the relationship is a bad one it may well be best to separate in the best interest of the child!

Jacqueline - posted on 07/07/2010

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No, because if you are not happy the child is not happy and the can feel the stress of both of you. But, I also feel you will need a support network. For example, church, family and friends, to name a few.

Elisabeth - posted on 07/07/2010

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Just read your other posts and sounds like there is no help, sorry. This guy sounds like a real D*#khead, you don't need/deserve him. Move on but stay civil with him for the sake of your child. Best of luck and be strong.

User - posted on 07/06/2010

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depends on age of child - if you are talking conflict resoulutions for a 3 yr old its good even at that young age to help them think of different ways to handle situations ... its been proven the more options a child has the better they are at communication an resolving issues without resorting to violence . I f you are talking about planning your childs life from start to fin ... all you can do is provide them oppotunities and resourese and encourage their growth in search of knowledge and understanding its up yo them to do what they want with it !

Amiinah - posted on 07/06/2010

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Hi Sarah it seems to me that your mind in made up. I would just like to add that children learn what they live and live what they learn. They look to their parents for guidance and if there's a lot of bickering, lying and betrayal, children are very smart and will pick up on this. They will think this is the way to live because mommy and daddy are doing it so it must be okay. Be strong and put the welfare of your child first when making any life decision.

Jodi - posted on 07/06/2010

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Sarah, sounds like a no brainer. In that case, just keep a civil relationship with him for the sake of the kids :) Honestly, this guy will be in your life for the next however many years in one way or another.

Sarah - posted on 07/06/2010

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Thank you to everyone who responded on thid post, to answer some of yalls questions, I still feel like knocking the Sh!t out of him everytime i see him and we argue over everything even the stupid things, like peyton getting a hair cut. thank you bc yall have helped me decide councling couldnt even help us. btw this isnt the first time he cheated. he was in the marines and thinks he dont stink

Louise - posted on 07/04/2010

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You have had a double betrayal with your husband and best friend. I really feel for you. This is something I don't think I could ever get out of my mind no matter how much councilling. But that is me. When you see him what is the first thing that goes through your mind? Is it it's really nice to spend some time with him and you miss him, or it how could you, you bastard! If you miss him and want to spend time with him then there is hope of regaining some sort of relationship. Go to councilling to clear your head before entering into a relationship with him you and he have alot of issues. I don't think you should enter into a relationship again for the sake of your child, as long as your child has regular access to their father they are not missing out. You have to be really sure before you give it another go as your child does not want to witness mum and dad at each others throats if it all goes wrong!

Andrea - posted on 07/04/2010

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I think that if you guys have gave a 100% of what you have to give into try working it out then no. If you havent then I would try counseling it doesnt have to mean you get back together but what would it hurt to see if you can move pass this together. I think to many people are to quick to say they are done. In your case I think that is a little different I have no clue what I would do if I was cheated on exspecially with my best friend. I sure you are hurting from that and getting the trust back would be even harder. I guess you have to ask your self. Is there anything still there between you and your husband. If get back what you had before he cheated is worth it. If you do it I think you need to do it or your self not the child. You have to ask your self what you really want. It is better for the child to have both there parents together only if they can get along.

[deleted account]

Stay together when things are horrible? No, but love is a choice and I believe every possible option should be exhausted repeatedly before divorce is considered... whether there are children involved or not.

Nicole - posted on 07/04/2010

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if you aren't happy separate. but it is in the best interest for you two to tolerate each other and get along in front of them. if you have to bite your tongue so be it. i get along with my daughters dad, for her sake, cuz i don't want her to think that parents can't get along after you split up.

Sarah - posted on 07/04/2010

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my "husband" and I sepperated 6 months ago, due to the fact he slept with my best friend and thought that being drunk was an exscuse. We had been together 5 years but only married a year this past april... he wants to work things out and wants to go to councling but i dont know if i can ever get past the hurt. i started seeing someone else but he constanly brings up what has happened to me in the past... its like i can never move on from it. Im so confused right now and i just dont know what to do

Karen - posted on 07/04/2010

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children are smart...you may think you're hiding or faking it well but they know! children will grow up much happier having two parents who are seperated and happy (as long as you can maintain a friendly relationship after the seperation with each other) then with two unhappy together parents who are trying to fake a happy family for the sake of the kids. if you have tried everything you could and one or both are not happy still, then it's time to end it before things get bitter between you and you won't be able to be civil to each other for the child's sake.

Jodi - posted on 07/04/2010

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Do you mean work things out with your partner, only for the sake of the child? No. It can't work. If you aren't happy and your partner is not happy, even if you work things out as best as possible, I don't believe it will work out in the long term. It is not in the best interests of a child for the parents to be unhappy with a situation, but to just be "putting up with it".

But having said that, I DO think you should try everything possible to work on saving your relationship. But that's different to staying together for a child.

Have you tried couples counselling?

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