do you think its right for step parents to whip your children?

Latisha - posted on 06/02/2011 ( 60 moms have responded )

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I have to boys, one is 13, and my baby is 4 almost 5yrs. old. Both of my children has different fathers and neither one are in their lives. My husband has been around since my baby was new born, so he has been there for a long time. But he likes to discipline the children by whipping or threat to whip. I have always liked to talk to my children to help them understand right from wrong; and mind you my boys are really good kids, their respectful, loving boys I'm very prond of them, but my husband is always anger it seems. Can someone help me understand what that is about? is it his up bringing? or he hate my kids? or he just want them to be perfect? I just really don't know.

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Jenni - posted on 06/03/2011

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I'm sorry but how many stories have we heard about angry step father's losing it and beating their step children to death.
http://www.singleparentproblems.com/anot...

http://www.stellamarie.com/index.php/200...

http://www.utah-newspapers.com/blog/salt...

http://www.woai.com/mostpopular/story/Po...

I could list hundreds of other links to stories where these situations end in death or severe trama.

Get out... don't be a statistic and don't let your children become one of these statistics. It is not a situation to take lightly and the fact that you're trying to find excuses for him scares me to death.

Krista - posted on 06/03/2011

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Oh, and for once, can we not make a thread about Mel's issues?

Sharon - posted on 06/03/2011

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Mel. I've never hit my kids in anger at them. Much less anger at someone or something else. So yeah, I'm friggen perfect.

As for jumping for topic to topic, lol. So? I don't see you making a post on EVERY topic. Some are just to stupid to be bothered with.

But I will not stay silent while some one admits they are a child abuser and NOT speak up.

Jenni - posted on 06/03/2011

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There's a few red flags that stand out to me in this post:



1. She doesn't agree with how he is disciplining her children. Even she realizes it's wrong and doesn't want him disciplining them in that manner.



2. She said "whipping" not "spanking". Although I'm not a fan of spanking. I don't really feel the desire to judge anyone else for using it as long as it doesn't cross 'certain lines'. IMO I feel it's unnecessary but I'm not the type to think a spanking as a last resort is going to cause irreversable psychological damage. At least no more than a parent who occasionally 'yells' when they lose their cool. But she said "whipping" which implies he's using an object to hit. Either way, if he's spanking or whipping and she doesn't want him disciplining her children that way then he has NO RIGHT to do so.



3. She says he's ALWAYS ANGRY. So he takes it out on her kids? Nice. Come to think of it I wouldn't give him an altimadum. I tell him to get out because he probably has little control over his actions and I wouldn't want him around my kids while he's trying to reform because there are bound to be slip ups.



4. She is trying to find excuses for his behaviour. This makes me think that there are issues of control. That she is trying to justify his abuse. The fact that she thinks this is wrong but hasn't mentioned anything about asking him to stop... makes me wonder if she is afraid of him, herself and afraid to tell him what she really thinks.

Sharon - posted on 06/03/2011

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Mel - there is no way you could be 10X the parent of anyone else on these forums since you are out here in public telling every you smack your kids when you don't feel good. Jesus christ. You smack your kids when you're angry at something else just because you can? What the friggen hell?? you aren't trying hard enough.

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Mel - posted on 06/04/2011

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I was helping the OP. It was clearly personal. I can guarantee if you ask most of the other women on here they would say deleting something like my original post was personal

Jodi - posted on 06/04/2011

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Thank you Mel, but continuing to debate in this thread is not helping the OP, which is why I deleted your comment a few minutes ago, and why I am asking you to please leave it alone. I will lock this thread if this continues, and the only reason I haven't is to leave it open for people to respond to the OP, and not to anything else. There is nothing personal in that at all.

Jodi - posted on 06/04/2011

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Mel, I don't know why it was deleted, or who deleted it, but I do think it should be left alone.

Mel - posted on 06/04/2011

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umm why was my post deleted? I said nothing to break the guidelines? This is a bit screwed up.

Tammy - posted on 06/04/2011

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Whipping?! :::shudder::: Do you mean spanking? This is the 21st century; hitting children is considered child abuse. There are other ways to discipline kids. There is the time-out chair, taking away TV and computer privileges, etc, etc. No offense, but your husband needs to take an anger management class!

Shannintipton - posted on 06/03/2011

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Sorry Jodi, I already posted my last answer before I read your answer. Movin' on then. Still Good Luck.

Shannintipton - posted on 06/03/2011

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Yep. I am at a loss here. I don't know what happened. But my answer still stands. I posted it before I even read any responses.

I just re-read your post Latisha. You are asking WHY is he doing this. Is it his up bringing? Well haven't you talked to him over the years about his up bringing? Good luck.

Jodi - posted on 06/03/2011

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Shannin, there have been some posts deleted, one of which was the original post of Mel's to which everyone is referring. I wouldn't worry about it.

Shannintipton - posted on 06/03/2011

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I have a question. How did this go from OP to attacking Mel? I will re-read the whole thread, but I think I missed something. I will come back and give my opinion. I know you all care what I think. J/K

Shannintipton - posted on 06/03/2011

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Dump him. If he does this all the time, what do you think he will do if he gets really mad.

Anna - posted on 06/03/2011

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I am a step-parent (hate using that lol) but ABSOLUTELY in no way shape or form should a parent, whether step or not, whip your child. I was told one time by a family I was babysitting for that I had permission and I laughed because 1.) I would NEVER do that and 2.) I feel that there are a a million other alternatives than physically putting your hands a child. Whatever your gut feeling is, GO WITH IT and I am honestly not saying this with disrespect but I think you already knew the answer to your question and I am glad you asked because it shows that you are damn good mother. NEVER 2nd guess yourself :)

Stifler's - posted on 06/03/2011

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Um no. I don't really think it's *right* for any parent to whip their child or even threaten to whip them. He sounds like he has anger management issues.

Alshd79 - posted on 06/03/2011

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It sounds to me like your significant other is angry about something if not having to be the man in their life. If your children are not out of control than whipping does not seem to be neccessary so talking to your husband about this seems to be the best course hope this helps

Corinne - posted on 06/03/2011

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Wow. Okay I haven't read any other posts as it's gone midnight and I'm booshed, but here goes.... WTF! Whipping kids? My husband and I will tap the kids hands or butt if they've been truely evil but that's the very outside limit. Once, hubby had had a horrible day at work, came home to our son being very naughty and he flipped, screamed blue murder at our son and slapped his leg hard enough to leave a mark. I picked up my little boy and told my husband to leave and only come back when he was ready to behave like a Daddy and not a spoiled brat. Just before bed time he came home in tears begging his 2yr old son for forgiveness - he has never even shouted out of turn since.

Janel - posted on 06/03/2011

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No one should whip kids. He needs some information on how to effectively parent (step or not). Have a conversation with him (away from the kids). What are your parenting goals? What result is wanted? What is the most effective way to get the child to 'clean thier rooms', 'stop fighting with each other', what ever it is. Make some decisions on how you are BOTH going to handle particular situations. Write them down. I think one of the roughest things to notice is when you are in a bad mood from work or something else - and then take it out on the kids. Every 28 days or so, I used to tell my kids 'bad day' - you know, the edge is closer than normal. They got it.

Pam - posted on 06/03/2011

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Everyone has a personal opinion of spankings. Calling it a whipping sounds a little harsh, but a spank is NOT child abuse and can be very effective when used properly. My husband and I have different views on spanking. I believe in it and he does not. I am also a step mother to his 11 yr old daughter. When I am at home with the kids, I do what I see fit. He does not hate your kids. He just has a different view of discipline. If you feel very strongly about it, talk to him, but be careful...if he has been there from the beginning and you say that you dont want him spanking "your" kids, you may have a totally different fight on your hands.

[deleted account]

Absolutely not. You lay a hand on my kid, you are going to jail.

I do/have spanked on occasion, so I'm not coming from an anti-spanking point of view when I have that opinion. NO ONE (including myself) will ever 'whip' my kids though. A single (maybe 2) hand swats on the butt is one thing (and many, many people are opposed to even that much), but that is IT and ONLY from me. My ex used to pull down our girls pants to swat them and I hated him for it.

[deleted account]

http://www.circleofmoms.com/positive-beh...

Please join PBS (Positive Behaviour Strategies - Solutions without smacking) if you need help or are seeking alternative ways to discipline. Spanking/smacking can become a thing of the past if we all arm ourselves with a toolbox of positive strategies. THEY DO WORK!

Kelly - posted on 06/03/2011

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Ill be honest i do smack my son when his done something wrong, of course this only happenes when i have warned him more that 2 times, every child is different, and every person has there own ways on giving punishment, using it tho to vent your frastration is where i see a problem, no one should "whip" other ppls kids, especailly if they have there own anger, sounds like this guy is using it as an excuse, sit down and lay down the rules before your kids actulally do get hurt, i love my son to death, im currently seeing someone and he helps my pull Callum back into line, (currently 2.5yrs old) and my son does have a bit of a additude, if you go about it the right way i dnt see a problem, its the ppl who go to far.

Jenni - posted on 06/03/2011

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Why aren't you protecting your kids from him? If you don't agree with how he's disciplining them it is YOUR JOB as their mother to put a stop to it.

Don't bother trying to psycho-analyze him... honestly, who cares *why* he's doing it. I wouldn't care if it was because his parents didn't hug him enough or because it was how he was raised. Why should that even matter? What matters is he is doing something you don't agree with to your kids. There is no excuse for crossing that line.

I'm not sure what the laws are in your area... but in some places it's against the law to spank a child over 12.

And what is the extent of these 'whippings'? Is he using an object to hit them with? Also illegal in many places.

Who cares why... just put an end to it and stand up for your kids. How can you just stand by and let some man abuse your kids and then try to find excuses for him for why he's abusing them?
He's wrong and only you can stop him.

If it were me; I'd give him an altimadum: Either keep your hands off my kids or get out.

Mary - posted on 06/03/2011

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I didn't read anyones "thread" answer to question. i was just telling her my oppinion because she wants to know how others feel about her situation. Im sorry if i offended someone

Mel - posted on 06/03/2011

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perhaps you could ring child protection and ask them if smacking is child abuse? That might help you learn a little? Just a suggestion. I do my very best. I am sorry that I am not perfect like you guys clearly are.

Krista - posted on 06/03/2011

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Mel, you opened that door when you admitted freely that you smack your kids when you're angry about other things, especially where you brushed it off like it wasn't a big deal, because you were just being human. There are not too many people who would be impressed with that, so it's not surprising that you got some backlash.

Anyway, MOVING ON and getting back to the OP's issue with her husband, please and thank you!

Sharon - posted on 06/03/2011

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But I figured this was positive reinforcement? She's a perfect example of how intolerant society is of child abusers.

Mel - posted on 06/03/2011

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If smacking was child abuse many people would be in trouble right now. Thats YOUR interpretation.

What Krista said. Sick of some if you making threads all about me.

Mary - posted on 06/03/2011

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I think that spanking is ok only if the child was acting really bad or disrespectful BUT you have to give them warning and be consistant. I think that spanking should be used as a last resort though...some people will just spank without giving reason as to why they did it and it can be abusive. I guess it all depends on the situation. If my child were acting out I would def. try and talk to him/her and explain what they were doing wrong and try and get to learn that way. I don't see "spanking" as "hitting" unless you use it out of anger and are not level headed about it. Have you tried talking to your husband about your feelings about spanking? Maybe you can meet half way and agree on a method of dicipline? Is your husband stressed maybe from work or something? Maybe he is taking his anger out on them...

Mel - posted on 06/03/2011

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and people can have visits from DCP who are good parents...havent you seen the amount of people who have them called just as revenge? Incase you forgot the only reason they were on my door step was because you guys called them and they got sick of the phone calls

Krista - posted on 06/03/2011

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Latisha, think about what it is that you're saying here.

Your husband is always angry. And instead of dealing with his anger like a mature adult, he takes his anger out on CHILDREN, by physically striking them.

I mean, WTF? Seriously? WTF?

This isn't a one-off, where the kid is working your last nerve and you get so frustrated that you spank him. I did that once. And I was so ashamed of myself because I knew that he wasn't even being that bad -- I was just frazzled and tired and lost my patience. But I've never done it since.

But to do it over and over again? And the fact that he's ALWAYS angry? That's ringing some serious alarm bells in me. If he has no qualms about taking his anger out on the kids, then can you really, 100% truthfully say that he won't someday take his anger out on them with his fists? Or that he won't do the same to you, once they're too big to whip?

Mel - posted on 06/03/2011

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thats great for you Kylie Im glad your such a perfect parent and that you can be so judgemental on everyone else. And Sharon I said person not parent, chances are Kylie is a much better parent then I am, but person no way. I am a decent person I know that much. I love how you jump on me for one comment. I love how this is supposed to be a forum for supporting mothers. Im glad your all that perfect

Kylie - posted on 06/03/2011

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I'm not the one who has had multiple visits from CPS Mel. I would never hurt my baby girl, especially if she had a extra difficult start to life. In fact i would break the arm of anyone who hit her. I would die protecting her. My heart breaks for your girls. I try to imagine smacking my little kids out anger or because I'm having a bad day and I physically want to be ill at the thought.

TLisa - posted on 06/03/2011

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I agree that everyone has their own views and I agree that no one is perfect...I feel that what is good for you might not be good for me and I feel that some people on here are tell her that she needs to leave him because he is abusing her children or making her out to be a bad mom because she lets it go on. I'm pretty sure she loves her children just as much as the rest of us love ours. She came her to get suggestions, not for people to be down on her.

Mel - posted on 06/03/2011

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Im glad your childen are doing so well TLisa. EVeryone has thier own views. I personally try to stay away from smacking, but I have my off days. No ones perfect

Mel - posted on 06/03/2011

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everyone makes mistakes Kylie....doesnt make us bad people...why would I be trolling? No offence but I am about 10x the person you are, I am always working on being a better mother I love my kids to bits

TLisa - posted on 06/03/2011

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Hitting your child in "anger" is NOT the same thing. When I "whip" my children its because they have done something that deserves a harder form of punishment than time out or no tv. It doesnt happen often, but when it does its for a good reason. Everyone choses to discipline their children differently and it mostly comes from how they were disciplined as a child. It was done to me as a child when needed and as I said before, I turned out to be a FINE person. Never broke the law, never been to jail, not disrespectful to my parents or other people. It taught me that there are consequences to breaking rules and it will teach my children the same thing. After I whip them, we sit down and have a discussion about what they did and why they got the punishment they did so that I make sure they understand why. I will not tolerate any form of disrespect from my children to me or anyone and they don't do it. They have manners, are well behaved when we go out in public and get good grades. Matter of fact, both my girls received honor roll at school all year every year and they are the only kids in their ENTIRE school to have perfect attendence for the ENTIRE school year. With that said, you can chose to discipline your children based on what works for you as long as its not abuse.

Kylie - posted on 06/03/2011

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It sounds like he is acting on impulse and he needs to learn new ways to discipline. Tell him to keep his hand off your children. You need to have a conversation together and get on the same page about what is the best way to deal with the kids. Make it clear it's not OK to whip or smack them. Stand up for your children.
Mel, you need to get some help. I'm not sure if you are trolling or if you really hit your children when you are angry or hurting, but that is messed up. Please get some help via counseling, those babies deserve better :(

Kylie - posted on 06/03/2011

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It sounds like he is acting on impulse and he needs to learn new ways to discipline. Tell him to keep his hand off your children. You need to have a conversation together and get on the same page about what is the best way to deal with the kids. Make it clear it's not OK to whip or smack them. Stand up for your children.
Mel, you need to get some help. I'm not sure if you are trolling or if you really hit your children when you are angry or hurting, but that is messed up. Please get some help via counseling, those babies deserve better :(

Katherine - posted on 06/03/2011

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Wow!!!! I would talk to him and if he doesn't stop LEAVE. It's that simple!

Bonnie - posted on 06/03/2011

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There is no confusion with the word 'whip'. It's common sense. You are using an object, like a belt for example.

Bonnie - posted on 06/03/2011

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No, it's not right for step parents to whip children. It's not right for anyone to whip any child.

Jodi - posted on 06/03/2011

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No confusion here TLisa......I think you will probably find that there is no confusion from most. No hitting = no confusion. If we choose not to do it, then we don't have to be concerned about when we are crossing the line. No confusion. Calling ourselves human and using that as an excuse to hit our children in anger doesn't actually excuse anything and only serves as an attempt justify our poor behaviour.

TLisa - posted on 06/03/2011

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I think a few parents are confused when you say "whip". I personally feel there is nothing wrong with it if the issue is extreme. Kids need discipline and sometimes talking and timeout or whatever doesnt work. I got them when I was a child as needed and my children get them as needed. However, if you feel that your husband is overly mean or being abusive with it, then it needs to stop. You have to know when to do it and not to do it and it seems to me that he doesnt know the difference so it could be boarderline abuse. You definitely have something to think about! Good luck!

Elizabeth - posted on 06/03/2011

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You should not allow anyone to strike your children. When parents strike their children it is because they cannot handle their anger and that they cannot think of any other way to relate to children. You need to talk to your husband and explain to him that violence is off the table.

Laura - posted on 06/03/2011

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also, when it comes to spanking, it should NEVER be out of your anger. It should be controlled and serve as only to correct the child's behavior, not to release your own frustration!

Laura - posted on 06/03/2011

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wow, whipping is extreme. I don't believe any child needs to be struck with a tool for any reason. I live in Canada and here, it is illegal to strike a child with a tool. Actually we aren't even supposed to spank. A spank on a diapered bum is as far as I'd ever go. It must be his upbringing for your husband to want to use a whip. But these are YOUR children nonetheless. Personally I wouldn't let him go near my kids with that form of punishment. Even if my own husband even suggested something like that, I'd be outraged.

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