Does it ever get easier as they grow older?

Dee - posted on 11/13/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )




I have a 23 year old step daughter that moved in a year and 1/2 ago. She has a job but does not contribute anything to this household. She eats, sleeps and goes to work. She does not do one thing around the house at all. When she gets paid she runs right to town to get all the things she wants, i.e. $250 cell phones, ipods etc. but then will write that I need toilet paper on the shopping list. What would you do?


Isobel - posted on 11/14/2009




I would charge rent. But I would also secretly put some of that rent away for her moving out fund so that when she's sick of paying rent AND living by your rules (nudge nudge, wink wink) can surprise her and help her out a bit.

Mia - posted on 11/14/2009




What does her father do??? It is HIS responsabillaty to do something about it since he is the parent. I would be ashamed if my daughter behaved like that! You work, you pay, life is not for free! Talk to her father and make him do something about it... ore she has to move...

[deleted account]

I agree with most of the advise you have received. Your stepdaughter is an adult, if only by age, but a family unit needs to work together. I think a sit down discussion is needed. When our son graduated high school and decided to continue living at home, (which was not a problem for us) we layed down the ground rules. While unemployed chores were expected to be completed as his contribution to the family unit. When he became gainfully employed, a room and board amount was mutually agreed upon and chores were reduced but not completely eliminated. Later on when he said life was to "busy" between work and social activites, room and board was adjusted accordingly, but there were still certain responibilties such as advance notice if not home for family meals and keeping his "space" clean and tidy etc. This worked out just fine for our family. Hope this helps.

Alicia - posted on 11/13/2009




Well, seeing as how she is an adult, although she is not acting like one, I would sit her down and talk with her as such. Tell her that you feel she is not contributing anything to the house and that you feel she should do her part and help out. Also remind her that allowing her to stay with you is a privilage not a requirement. Hope that helps. Good luck!

This conversation has been closed to further comments


View replies by

Nikki - posted on 04/03/2016




Talk to her father about your concerns and get him to voice your situation most likely of it came directly from you she would not receive it well

Pamela - posted on 11/14/2009




First off: Who told this child that this behavior was acceptable? Why was she allowed to move in without boundaries established?

Ok, she behaves the way she does because everyone has allowed her to be this way. Is she bi-polar? Does she through fits? YOU have to change your behavior if you want her to change hers. Where is Dad in all this? Is he just listening to you complain or is he complaining, too? Get together with Dad, and talk about what you want to happen. If you want to help her, how you want to help, and the boundaries you want set, if she is to stay in YOUR home. Do you want to charge her rent? Do you want her to do chores, help with her food expenses, save money to move out, or do you want her to go to college? You have to decide how you want things to be in your home, and then sit down with her....both of you, and Dad should do most of the talking. He should support you authority in the home, too. You should be a united front, and argue or discuss differences when no kids are around. Let this 23 year old know that she needs to respect your home, no just live off of your kindness and guilt. Take responsibility for not setting the boundaries before she moved in, and now they must be followed, now they are set. Give her time to adjust, but don't be lax. Let her know the consequences of failure to comply, whether it is being told to leave, or you doing what any landlord with do, pack her stuff, change the locks, and put her stuff on the porch. Give her written notice on all failures to comply, and decide how many chances she gets. If she fails to comply, and you have given her written notice of her actions, then you have proof of her choices not to comply, and putting her out of you home is based on her, not you. Less emotional for you, and puts responsibility on her, where it should have been long before she became the age she is. She will not be happy, but around thirty-five, she will come back and thank youfor making her grow up.

Stephanie - posted on 11/14/2009




Being 22 myself and seeing my family I would say if she doesn't have the motivation now, it probably won't come anytime soon. I moved out at 18 and wanted to try and make it on my own because I was determined. On the other hand my brothers have taken advantage of my parents help. The 25yr old "moved out" to our grandparents house & they pay for everything, the 18yr old didn't graduate, has no job, and does nothing around the house, and the 13yr old is now failing classes and doesn't do anything but play video games. At 23 I'm sure your step daughter can make it on her own. Propose she contributes in some manner or moves out. Once she's in the real world she'll be sorry she wasn't more of a help.

Carmen - posted on 11/14/2009




I know what you are going through...My son is only 19 and I love him but he is a jerk...He moved out a year ago but then moved back in and i tell you i love him but sometimes i wish i could wave my magic wand...No it doesnt get easier it gets harder. I charge my son 250.00 for food as he eats lots and we need him to get used to paying that much for food when he goes back on his own... I suggest not charging room and board and not rent because if you charge rent or room and board legally you will not be able to boot their butt out of the house when it comes time to say enough is enough

Amanda - posted on 11/14/2009




well, im 24 years old, i can understand ur situation.I moved out of the house when i was 18 and boy was it the best thing i ever did. it taught me responsibility. Id be hones, if telling her doesnt get her to help around the house, id threaten to kick her out if she doesnt start doing her fair share. My parents taught me the hard way of living and it was to take responsibility for where you live. whether its ur house or not. its only an idea, but it may work since obviously she'd rather spend her money on expensive stuff for her entertainment than going out and looking for apartments while saving up.

Donna - posted on 11/14/2009




I too have my 23 year old daughter living at home, but our situation is a little different because she has a 2 year old. The arrangement we have is that she gets the things that my grandson needs, like diapers & wipes, and any special things that she wants or needs.

If I was in your situation I would make her buy her own toilet paper! Depending on your relationship with her, either you should talk to her about this or your husband. She has to start contributing to the household! You and your husband have to be united on this front, so talk to him before you talk to her.

Dee - posted on 11/14/2009




thank you for the advice. I should also tell you the attitude that I have gotten when I have asked her to get milk on her way home. Then she expects me to pay her the minute she walks in the door with it and she is the one who uses it most. Also she will buy certain snacks which is great but if anyone asks to have some of it, she screams "No, that is mine". I have even wanted to resort to tell her that she can't have things because they are mine but realize how childish that would be.
I have tried to talk to her but I get tears and drama. She has tried to live in other places with friends and family but it only lasts about 2 months because she won't pay her own way. I am ready to kick her out.

Latasha - posted on 11/14/2009




Sweety I would love to tell you that it does, but I have to be honest. The older they get the harder it gets. I have a 15 yr old and a 3 yr old. I so wish my 3 yr old would never get any older. the toddler years are the best they love you unconditionally, and you are their whole world. As they get older they pull away and develop attitudes and they get this yeah I love you as long as you do what I want personality. I love my 15 yr old but sometimes I just want to wring her neck. Sorry but u have to know in order to be prepared. I wish someone had told me what was coming beforehand.

Ferica - posted on 11/13/2009




Have a good talk with her, you and dad. When and if she ever moves it will be hard for her since everything is done for her. When rent, bills, and necessities start rolling in, she wont know how to survive since she never had to do it before. If she notices no toilet paper, why not go buy some. She needs to contribute and save a little something also. Shopping sprees to a minimum.

Sabrina - posted on 11/13/2009




I have a 26 yr old step son that just moved out and got married ...we tought him that he needed to save money . He handed us the money each week that he got paid and it was only like $25 each pay period but when he needed money for repairs on his car he realized that saving wasn't a bad thing he started his own savings account

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms