Does my ex partner need to come to my house to collect our children?

Carrie - posted on 08/14/2015 ( 21 moms have responded )

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My ex partner and I have been apart for 4 years, he insists on collecting the children from my house and returning them to my house. He will also drop in during the week sometimes unannounced to see the children. When he is at my house to see the children he doesn't spend time with the children he will sit in another room with me telling me all about how fantastic his life is, what a terrible mother I am and how I should give up work to take care of our children and be a better mother. I work 4 nights a week in a womens shelter, he will tell me that my children and the world are better off without me and that I am selfish for leaving my children with my mum and sister to work. He takes our children to his mums house on a Saturday between 10.30am and 2.30pm, if he has had my children for me to work on the Friday night, I am not allowed to sleep when I get home from work, I have to wait until he leaves with the children and then he will text and phone the entire time he has them to ensure I don't sleep. If I ask him to pick the children up or drop them off at my mums he refuses and tells me to be a better mother and stop being so selfish. Today he spent 5 hours in my house before I went to work telling me how much of a terrible mother I am, how my children would be better off without me, that I should quit work and be a stay at home mother to be there for my children etc etc, this has carried on throughout the time I've been in work. It's now been 8 1/2 hours and he is still continuing. While I have been in work he has been going through my drawers and questioning me on why I've bought new underwear, who am I sleeping with, where I got the money from, why am I not spending the money on our children etc. I have spent much of the night in tears and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm dreading going home in the morning knowing that he's slept in my bed and been going through my underwear. He doesn't pay child support nor is there any court order stating when he has the children. I try to encourage him to have the children overnight but he will only do this if it is at my house and will only take the children out on a Saturday. I'm at the end of my rope

21 Comments

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Sarah - posted on 08/15/2015

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Uh, and a locksmith to fix the door! No home should be able to lock the occupants inside.

Carrie - posted on 08/15/2015

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I phoned my friend first to come and let me out (she has a spare key) and she phoned the police because I was in a panic.
I'm making an appointment with a solicitor on Monday

Sarah - posted on 08/15/2015

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The fact you can get locked into your house makes no sense. If there was a fire, how would you get out. He obviously needs some help, file a restraining order. Why didn't you call the police yourself?

Carrie - posted on 08/15/2015

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Just an update, my friend has phoned the police today because he took my keys, locked me in the house and had taken my underwear from my drawer. I had to phone my friend to come and let me out so she phoned the police. I've told them everything and showed them the messages, they have given him a warning and told him he is not to enter my home. I've also told my mum and friend what is happening and they are supporting me. Thank you all so so much for your advice

Sarah - posted on 08/15/2015

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Follow all of the advice. Get some court orders in place. Change the locks to your home, if he has a key. The next time he comes, have the kids ready to go and send them out. If he finds a way to get into your home, and your can't get him to leave. Call the police and have him escorted. He is trespassing!

Dove - posted on 08/15/2015

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Document EVERYTHING. I'd seriously consider calling the police today and file a police report. Start legally documenting his abuse.

Dove - posted on 08/15/2015

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After just reading your OP... there is absolutely never any reason whatsoever why you have to allow him IN your house. Period. Picking them up/dropping them off does not include entering YOUR home. That is your space and he has zero right to ever enter it... under any circumstances whatsoever.

Even if you have supervised visitations (which does not seem to be the case) no court would rule that the visitations have to occur IN your home. They would be at a public area if anything.

Now to read comments. Sorry to reply w/out doing that, but your ex is a controlling abusive jerk and your OP pissed me off for you.

Jodi - posted on 08/15/2015

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Carrie, this is where you keep a copy of the abusive text messages and you contact the police and file for restraining orders against his contact with you. This does NOT mean you can't make arrangements for him to see his children (and yes, getting those custody orders in place ASAP is important).

I would suggest you keep a diary of any interactions. Include any time he has time with the children, any time you offer and he refuses, any time he requests and gets them, any time he requests and you say no (and include a really good reason why).

As much as I'd love to advise you to block his calls, clearly you need to be able to take his calls if the children are with him, so in this respect you are in a catch 22.

Hang in there and be strong! You do NOT have to put up with his crap. There is a way for you to remove yourself from him and yet the children still spend time with him. And I promise you, it does get easier.

Carrie - posted on 08/15/2015

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There are no court orders although I've been asking him for a long time to spend more time with the children but he makes excuses like he can't afford the cost of the bus (he works full time and doesn't pay any bills), can't have them overnight because there's nowhere for them to sleep (there is a spare bedroom) and he deserves a life so needs his "me" time. I've told him today that I don't want him having the children at my house but that he is more than welcome to take them to his mums if he wants to see them while I'm in work and was met with a barrage of abusive text messages which prevented me from sleeping after my night shift last night. I'm waiting for the abuse to come from his family. Thank you so much for all your help I really appreciate it

Michelle - posted on 08/15/2015

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Like Jodi has said. If he wants to look after the children he can have them at his or his Mother's place. Don't allow him to look after the children at your place.
Get a lawyer and set those boundaries ASAP.
Good luck with it all. I left a very verbally abusive relationship so I know how hard it is to stand up to them.
You know that if you ever need to get things off your chest you can chat to us.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/14/2015

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What are your orders regarding child exchange?

Carrie - posted on 08/14/2015

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Thank you so much for your help, you have no idea how good it feels to get it all out and to have someone who doesn't think I'm crazy or over reacting. Thank you, honestly, thank you from the bottom of my heart

Jodi - posted on 08/14/2015

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Okay, that makes more sense. In that case, get those visitation orders in place. Then he has no right to cause any fusses and you don't feel you have to give in on anything. You can then stipulate that his visitation is in his or his mother's home, AND you can have an order that says when that will be. No arguments then. Right now, he is emotionally abusing you. Talk to a lawyer ASAP.

Carrie - posted on 08/14/2015

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My mum and sister usually have them for me to work but he causes a fuss if I don't let him have the children now and again on a Friday when I work and tells them I'm stopping him from seeing them. All I want is for him to see them away from me so I can relax in my own home and concentrate on my job when I'm in work but I'm starting to think this will never happen.
Can I insist that if he wants to have the children while I'm at work that he has them at his parents house as this is where he lives?

Jodi - posted on 08/14/2015

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What concerns me here is that he is in your home babysitting your children for you while you work. If you really want to establish the boundaries, this needs to stop and you need to find other arrangements when you work, but you can't have him in your home to babysit for you AND then say you don't want him there other times. That doesn't work. Maybe they will be the nights he has visitation at HIS home.

Your children will still have both parents in their life with a custody and visitation order, they just won't have the role modelling of their father emotionally abusing their mother.

Carrie - posted on 08/14/2015

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Thank you so much for your responses. It's currently 1.30am here, I'm in work and he's complaining that the children aren't sleeping and I need to go home and deal with them. Obviously I cant do this or I'll lose my job, so therefore I am a terrible mother whos children would be better off if she were dead. No matter what I do I can't win with him, I'm doing everything I can to make sure our children have 2 parents in their lives but I can't go on like this

Jodi - posted on 08/14/2015

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You are in no way required to allow him in your home, and I would actually strongly advise that you get court ordered visitation that spells out exchange of the children will take place at some neutral location. I used to have my ex meet me at the local police station due to the fact that he would continually emotionally abuse me whenever we exchanged at my home.

You need to let him know you will no longer be allowing him in your home, and you need to do this now. If he continues to be insistent or forces his way in, get yourself a restraining order.

Michelle - posted on 08/14/2015

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You don't have to allow him into your home at all!!!
He is being controlling and you need to stand up for yourself. Maybe even arrange to do the handover in a public place.
I would get yourself a lawyer and establish visitation and child support. I would also have it in the court orders that the handover will happen in a public lace. That way if he arrives at your house you can get the police involved. He will lose that control he has over you.

MaryAnn - posted on 08/14/2015

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... Even if he did pay child support, he still does not have the right to ask you about your new underwear or where the money to buy them came from. Your underwear is not his business.

MaryAnn - posted on 08/14/2015

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If there is no court order, there is no court order. I suggest you get one.
You are within your rights to tell him that you will not tolerate how he treats you in your home, and he is welcome to wait for them at the door.
So long as there is no agreement, legal or verbal stating date time location, and your mums is within reasonable distance, you CAN tell him "this is where the children are, you may pick them up here."
Going through your home, drawers, asking about your panties, talking down to you is not good for your kids. It is not good for you either, and i strongly suggest you go to the courts so his rights are spelled out clearly to him.YOU are the only one who allows him to treat you like this. This is your ex trying to control you, not about your ex maintaining a proper relationship with his hildren- you do not NEED to be present for that to happen.
Talk to a lawyer, and if you are scared for yourself or your children when he is told he must go to court, make sure your lawyer knows. There are ways to protect everyone through this.

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