Does "stepmomming" get better or should I run fast?

Maria - posted on 09/23/2014 ( 33 moms have responded )

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i love everything about my man except his kids and the drama and financial sentencing that has come with them. Also, his parents do grimey stuff like go on road trips with his ex wife and not tell him. i am the 27 year old girlfriend of two years and I am in no way interested in being a mom or a stepmom right now. I would love to start a life with him but my young mind makes me think it will be the biggest regret of my life. I admit - this relationship is all too much for me and im ecstatic when its just me and him but om depressed, angry, and, resentful when it comes to his kids, dumb babymama, and his parents. Are all of these too many red flags for my future or does this miraculously get better?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/23/2014

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Actually, Maria, you stated: "his parents do grimey stuff like go on road trips with his ex wife and not tell him" Nothing about a nephew anywhere..

Other than that comment, your complaints were about him having to support his kids, him having to spend time with his kids, the ex 'overstepping'...

But you don't seem to get it. SHE is not overstepping by allowing the relationship between the kids and their extended family, she's not overstepping by keeping the family in 'the loop'.

It is NOT spiteful to file for support/custody/visitation orders. ITS SMART. People without orders in place run into girlfriends like yourself, who don't understand the dynamic of a blended family.

Also, don't lie to yourself. In one post, you say that " im ecstatic when its just me and him but om depressed, angry, and, resentful when it comes to his kids, dumb babymama, and his parents" You don't LOVE those kids, you admitted it right in your OP. You RESENT those kids, and the fact that he has them. Do everyone a favor. Get out of the relationship now, find a man who doesn't have kids, and move on.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/23/2014

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Seriously, he expects to be able to tell his parents (ADULTS) whether they can or cannot spend time with their grandchildren?

You BOTH need to grow up, from the sounds of it.

A few misconceptions that you seem to be suffering from:
1) she " puts him on child support after he's always paid her for two years but right after he has lost his job"...Honey, HE HAS 50% RESPONSIBILITY. She didn't do it to be a bitch, but to GUARANTEE THAT THE KIDS HAVE THE FINANCIAL SUPPORT OF THEIR BIOLOGICAL FATHER. From the sounds of it, it was a great idea, because you don't agree with him supporting his kids otherwise.

2) she "visits my boyfriends' extended family"...Um...she has their relatives with her...the kids are related. Whether you and your boyfriend like it or not, the kids have the right to know ALL of their family.

And, yeah, I'm still blown away by his misconception that he can control the actions of his parents!

In other words, honey, 'babymomma' isn't dumb...SHE'S GOT HER HEAD ON STRAIGHT. Good thing, too, or your boyfriend, the stupid 'babydaddy' would have tucked tail and run! Thank goodness his parents understand the family relationship! At least THEY are taking an interest!

Dove - posted on 09/23/2014

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All joking and personal issues aside though... my biggest issue w/ this is that I've been doing childcare since you were 6 years old... and the ability to love some other kid that I have no 'connection' whatsoever to comes very easily to me... and I feel for these kids. You said you don't want to be their stepmom. You said you are faking it. AND... you said kids are smart and can tell when someone is faking it. You are setting these kids up for a world of hurt and I just hope you can see that and do them a favor and let them be... because that bio-mom that you can't stand will be the one to have to pick up the pieces that you create.

Jodi - posted on 09/23/2014

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Wow, ok.

So you post saying you pretty much resent the kids and everyone else, stating you don't WANT to be a mother or stepmother at this point in your life, and yet, when people advise you against it by being absolutely truthful about it, you attack them.

As a step-mum myself, I am going to say exactly the same as these other ladies have already said, so I won't repeat it. However, I will say that my husband has an ex who still visits his parents ALL THE TIME, still calls them mum and dad, still sees them as her adopted new parents, and all this 20 years AFTER their relationship ended. Heck, her children from her new marriage refer to them as their grandparents!!! I am mature enough to recognise that this relationship is NOT harming my relationship with my husband and is none of my business.

You really need to do those children a favour and walk away. This isn't about your future, it's about theirs. They will always be priority.

Julia - posted on 09/23/2014

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I'm having a hard time understanding how you could type all of this out and not know the answer you're looking for. Actually I believe you do know the answer. I don't think you need anyone, especially strangers to tell you what you already know.

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Hey I don't know if you still check this but I can really relate minus the parents they hate my boyfriends ex... I'm 21 years old I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years so since I was 19... I honestly feel all the time like this could be a huge regret and I'm to young... Seeing as you're 27 and feel the same way I wonder will I get to 27 and feel the same?... How are you going? Are you still feeling The same? Did you end it? Did you make it work? If so how?

Children Of The Popcorn - posted on 06/25/2015

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Btw, this is coming from a 30 mother of 4. I had one son of my own, I married my husband with 2 young girls and unintentionally got pregnant with another son that we share. I love my kids but I'm very depressed, overwhelmed, I feel like I have more involvement and responsibility for his girls than I ever ever wanted and I hate my life :( I hope it gets better and I hold out hope that it does but this is thee hardest thing I've ever done in my life and I don't even feel like the same person I use to be. I regret jumping into this because I hate to admit it's not what I anticipated. I knew I would be involved but I didn't know I'd be THIS involved. We are also broke because of the baby mama. Yet my husband is a computer engineer with his bachelors.. We still don't make enough money. Baby mom spends it on a brand new Nissan @!*# not their daughter or her savings or her college fund.. Let's say I'm doing the very best I can with what I've signed up for. I am but I still have WAY more sad, frustrated and depression than I have happy, joyful and thankful. I'm trying to change it, I really am trying to change how I feel but it is so hard when everything is so difficult. Please RECONSIDER your decision. I was more prepared than you are now and I'm emotionally falling apart and I AM a kid person. His girls love and prefer me, but I'm miserable. :/

Children Of The Popcorn - posted on 06/25/2015

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If you are not ready for children of YOUR OWN, then I can promise you are not ready for his. It's probably best for him, his kids and you for you to not go through with this because if your not sure about being a step mom, once your married, that is what you will be and you can times it by 10.

Krissy - posted on 02/09/2015

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I have been a "stepmom" in two relationships.

Let me describe to you each situation.
I met the love of my life when I was 23. He was my best friend, my everything. He had a 2 year old son and an ex wife who could care less about my boyfriend. She was well over their relationship and caused no drama, basically she was the best baby mamma ever and his son was a pretty cool kid! After 2-3 years I began to HATE the fact that he had a son and I began to hate the BM. Nothing changed with his kid or the BM, with no valid reason I just started getting angry about the existence of both people in my life . I would get mad when she would text and demanded that my boyfriend allow me to respond to her text no matter what she was texting about. I was in control of every breath that took place between my ex and his son's mother, and I'm here to tell you that it was VERY UNHEALTHY for my relationship. Eventually I convinced myself that I did not want to be in a relationship with a man with kids and an ex wife. I broke up with him and blocked him number. (Keep reading for an update on my feelings toward this relationship)

Currently: I am married to a man who has 2 kids. His ex-wife is bitter, angry, rude, vengeful, spiteful, uses the kids as weapon, tries to "punish" her ex through the kids...blah, blah, blah...she represents all the "common" things bitter BM's do. Through her bitterness and strong drive to destroy my relationship with my husband and my step kids she has actually driven a closer and stronger bond between us that I would have ever imagined. I COMPLETELY STAY OUT OF ANY TEXT, EMAIL, or PHONE CALL that my ex must participate in when it comes to her. I don't tell him how to respond when she text, again I let my husband handle his ex wife and to my surprise he does a great job putting her in her place without my help. Despite the grand canyon sized efforts the ex has put into trying to get the kids to hate me they have ended up loving me. And to be completely honest, I love the heck out of those little people!! I NEVER thought I would ever be able to say that my husbands kids. (At the beginning of my relationship with my husband I even thought "why the hell am I doing this to myself again)

So, will you ever care about the kids? Every situation is different but if I could have found a way to stay out of my ex's business with his ex I wouldn't be married to my husband right now, I would be married to the love of my life, the one I let get away.

Brittney - posted on 09/25/2014

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It is a package deal. I am with a man and I love his son as though he were my own. And theres a lot of baby mama drama. We've been through hell and back. But instead of breaking up, we are getting married. If you can't learn to love his kids, then you don't deserve him.

User - posted on 09/24/2014

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You love everything about him except the most important thing of all , his children. I honestly don't think this is the man for you. It will not get better, by your post it seems the problem is not the kids, it is that you are not yet ready for them.
Hope you can solve this quickly and wisely.
Best of luck!

Raye - posted on 09/24/2014

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I am a step-mom. While I greatly enjoy the alone time with my DH, I also love his kids and want to be there for them. But, I agree that you should probably end the relationship. You are not doing yourself, your boyfriend, or the kids any favors if you don't want the whole package that this man comes with.

There are other people out there better suited for you and the lifestyle you want to lead, and there will be someone else better for your boyfriend that can love his kids and want to be a part of their lives.

Follow your instincts. They're usually right.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/23/2014

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*applause* *applause* *applause*

In fact...{STANDING OVATION} for Evelyn & Jodi!

Dove - posted on 09/23/2014

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You all are big, bad bullies... lol

How dare we take a poster at their own words. Shame, shame, shame...

OK... NOW that was me being a brat... for the first time on this post.

Ev - posted on 09/23/2014

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{{{Seems most of you are the bitter babymamas. Perhaps, this thread should for stepmoms with helpful insight rather than a chance to attack behind a computer screen. But, it's ok I actually appreciate the time you all took to go off on your OWN emotions. I guess this is a women's group.

{{{{It's always the moms who are ready to attack the stepmoms, never be kind to them when they've done nothing to harm the kids or the mom and then wonder why the kids are miserable ONCE again after the divorce you caused}}}} My reaction to this is: 1) Step moms come into the picture after the break up of the couple with kids. Remember that. 2) There are both good and bad step moms and bio moms. Keep that in mind. 3) I am the bio mom and I have had to deal with two step moms and neither of them wanted my kids around from what my kids told me. My kids never felt like they were part of the family and the step moms had kids of their own. As for causing the divorce, I did not do it their father wanted out.

[[[There's never any accountability with Bio MOMS. And you make no efforts to be kind, understanding, and respectful.]]]] My reaction: I am accountable. I had to make sure I kept up with communication with my ex and to be sure he was on the same page and 9 times out of 10 he never was with excuses as to why. I tried to be kind, understanding, and respectful but when the step moms did not want anything to do with me based on only opinions of my ex and his family about me instead of talking to me first, how could I carry out the rest. The current one tries to override our visitation roster when its not in her court. She oversteps the boundaries a lot.

I was merely honest with my emotions and hoped someone had valuable insight. And some of you have and I appreciate that. But as for the attackers ......look at your OWN life ?

[[[Have you helped to make blended families work, have you respected the stepmoms who step up and take Care of YOUR kids when it's far beyond their comfort zone, have you respected boundaries and new relationships without vengeance ?}}}}} My reaction: Its not any bio mom's place to make a blended family unless she is with someone and blending with his. She supports the blended family. A bio mom knows her kids far better than a step mom who has not been around for but a short time. The step mom who is there from a young age is a different story as she had gotten to know the kids over time and has worked with the bio mom. It does not always work that way. And if my ex has a new relationship its his not mine to worry about. If my kids' step moms had tried to make my kids feel like a part of that family unit I would have been happy. But since they did not do so, how am I supposed to feel good about that.


{{{{ Step moms STEP up and were not perfect but rarely do moms STEP up and ever help the situation.}}} My reaction: I know some step moms that have stepped up and do treat their step children as they own but I have had the experience to see how my kids were treated by their step moms and it was not good. I also know that there are bio moms who do not step up and that is sad but I am a MOM that did step up and took care of my own kids. So that statement is not totally true.
Regardless, take care you guys. I appreciate the feedback. :) blessings.}}}

I had to quote this whole thing! It makes me mad that you said a lot of what you said. A lot of them untrue. YOu make it seem that all step moms are a fairy god mother who solves the kids' issues. You make it seem like all bio moms do nothing to help their kids out and that its the bio moms' responsiblity to help a blended family. A blended family is a unit to itself. Its up to the man and woman and the children of that blended family to make it work not the bio mom and bio father who are not in that family unit but outside it. Their only job to the blended family their kids are part of is to be supportive. You seem to have no idea what you are talking about where blended families, step parents, and bio parents are concerned and the roles that they actually play.

And you say it in your opening post: You dread it when he has to have his kids around and deal with their mom, pay support for his kids, and deal with other things that have nothing to do with you. Also, you are not a step mom as yet. You are the girlfriend.

Oddxbabexout - posted on 09/23/2014

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Oh, and no...

"stepmomming" doesn't get better..its a sacrifice made by a woman to her partner and children to care and love them through any trials. If you cant handle it, don't even try..Their livelihoods are at stake...and it't worth piercing their heart so that you can get laid and laugh with daddy every once in a while.

Oddxbabexout - posted on 09/23/2014

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I stopped reading at "I am in now way interested in being a mom or a step mom right now"


That says what you need to do, right there.

If you are not going to give the children the dedication that they need and deserve from their father's partner, then walk away before things get turned sideways for them..


The ONLY people that are going to be truly hurt by it, are his children. They come first in his life always...and if the same does not go for you, then you and he are not on the same page and things wouldn't work out anyway.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/23/2014

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You're hilarious! FYI, no babymamma drama here, been married to my hubby for 25 years, and dealing with his ex for longer than that. Perhaps YOU need to get educated, rather than telling us that we're wrong!

Honey, you're absolutely one of the funniest women I've seen in a long time on here, to be telling us that we're being horrible and mean to you and "ready to attack the stepmoms, never be kind to them when they've done nothing to harm the kids or the mom and then wonder why the kids are miserable ONCE again after the divorce you caused...ROFLMAO

May I remind you that YOU STATED YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO BE A STEPMOTHER, THAT YOU JUST WANTED IT TO BE YOU AND YOUR MAN?????

And you want to take us to task for BEING HONEST? You asked, after all, if it was going to ever miraculously get better...and you were told the truth. WITH YOUR CRAPPY ATTITUDE it will never miraculously get better, and you'd be better off to find a man without baggage. If that offended you...well, perhaps you shouldn't have asked for honest opinions!

Again, and I'll even quote your OP: "I am in no way interested in being a mom or a stepmom right now. I would love to start a life with him but my young mind makes me think it will be the biggest regret of my life. I admit - this relationship is all too much for me and im ecstatic when its just me and him but om depressed, angry, and, resentful when it comes to his kids, dumb babymama, and his parents"

And yet you want to be painted as the stepmother of the year????

Thanks for the laugh!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/23/2014

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That's what I'm saying. You're NOT doing anyone any good by staying around. You don't love the kids, you don't understand the dynamics of being a parent, let alone a step, and you don't get the whole responsibility angle.

Maria - posted on 09/23/2014

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Seems most of you are the bitter babymamas. Perhaps, this thread should for stepmoms with helpful insight rather than a chance to attack behind a computer screen. But, it's ok I actually appreciate the time you all took to go off on your OWN emotions. I guess this is a women's group. It's always the moms who are ready to attack the stepmoms, never be kind to them when they've done nothing to harm the kids or the mom and then wonder why the kids are miserable ONCE again after the divorce you caused. There's never any accountability with Bio MOMS. And you make no efforts to be kind, understanding, and respectful. I was merely honest with my emotions and hoped someone had valuable insight. And some of you have and I appreciate that. But as for the attackers ......look at your OWN life ? Have you helped to make blended families work, have you respected the stepmoms who step up and take Care of YOUR kids when it's far beyond their comfort zone, have you respected boundaries and new relationships without vengeance ? Step moms STEP up and were not perfect but rarely do moms STEP up and ever help the situation. Regardless, take care you guys. I appreciate the feedback. :) blessings.

Maria - posted on 09/23/2014

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Then that's your OWN issue. Maybe no one loved you. .....either way, you can't fake anything with kids or dogs. They obviously know that I love them and care for them. I care for them when he's not even able to spend time with them. You do also have to understand that they are not MY kids abd relationships take time. You take care of yourself now.

Maria - posted on 09/23/2014

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Obviously you MIS READ. I said the EX went on a roadtrip to support MY boyfriend's nephew. The kids had nothing to do with it ! And I neverr have an issue with the kids spending time with their grandparents. The issue is more of the babymana overstepping her boundaries and not letting go and really just trying to be spiteful. Had nothing to do with the kids. Mostly unwanted drama from the baby mama. Some of yall seem bitter.

Dove - posted on 09/23/2014

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Yeah Maria... I have issues w/ people who 'fake love' kids. If that makes me 'have issues'... I'll take it cuz kids deserve REAL love. ;)

Chet - posted on 09/23/2014

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You are choosing to let the stuff his ex does make you miserable. It's not unreasonable for her to maintain a relationship with his family. It's not unreasonable to hold a dad accountable to his children and to go after the child support they deserve.

Being a step parent does get easier for people who work hard at it - that means making compromises, supporting the parents (even exes you don't like) of any involved children, trying to understand the perspective of all parties involved, biting your tongue when it isn't your place, understanding that other family commitments may come ahead of your relationship, etc.

Dove - posted on 09/23/2014

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All I had to read was that you are not interested in being a mom or a stepmom and I have to ask... what the hell are you doing in a relationship w/ a man that already HAS kids? Grow up and get w/ a man that doesn't have kids... preferably one that's had a vasectomy already....

As for the rest... he has no right to dictate what his parents do or do not do w/ their lives. Did they take this road trip w/ JUST the ex? Or were their GRANDKIDS on the trip too? Sounds like you aren't the only one that has some growing up to do.

Yes... I know my comments are blunt and 'harsh'... but when I see adults talking about children like this... it pisses me the heck off.

Maria - posted on 09/23/2014

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I would also like to note that his two kids adore me and want me to be their stepmom. Sometimes, theyd rather hang out with me than him. Showing then love is not hard it would just be nice if I had more support especially coming from his parents. This is all so new and so much for me. And. I'm trying my best. :)

Maria - posted on 09/23/2014

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Hey there. Thanks for your honest response. I consider her dumb because she's constantly trying to make our life miserable, busts in our house belligerently, visits my boyfriends' extended family and calls his friends specifically to bother him and me, says I'm horrible but her kids adore me, puts him on child support after he's always paid her for three years but right after he has lost his job and is working alll the time to get back on track now with his new job. What kind of mother would rather see the father of his kids in jail just because she doesn't like me ? And, he found out about the roadtrip via Facebook after he's told his parents not to do extra stuff with the EX for years. Again, thanks for your response- God Bless.

Chet - posted on 09/23/2014

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I agree that you should probably move on. You aren't going to have him all to yourself. The baby mama, the kids, his parents, and his financial responsibilities are all part of the deal.

If you can't accept and cope with the realities of the situation, admit that to him sooner rather than later. Be clear that this is not a criticism of him. It's just you respecting your limitations and knowing that you aren't what's best for him or his children.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/23/2014

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With the attitude you are exhibiting right now...no it's not going to 'miraculously' get better.

You are NOT cut out to be a step mother, in no way, shape, or form. Since you can't get into that groove, you may as well save yourself the time, and him the heartache. You want it to be all about YOU, so you better find a man with no baggage.

Guest - posted on 09/23/2014

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No, it doesn't miraculously get better. You should probably run.

You cannot change the situation--his kids are his kids, and they will always be his kids, and if he is a good father, his relationship with them will ALWAYS come before his relationship with you--meaning if he is ever forced to cancel plans with you or the kids, he'll cancel with you first. If he ever has to choose between spending money on you or on his kids (if there ever isn't enough for both), he will always spend it on the kids. So unless you are willing to change yourself and come to terms with the entirety of his situation, this relationship probably isn't for you.

Plus, the fact that you call her the "dumb babymama" sort of screams that you are not mature enough for a relationship like this one.

Also, just an odd note about the road trips....if his parents don't tell him about the road trips, then how does he find out? And since he's finding out anyway, why do they need to tell him?? Seems like wasted breath to me...

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