Does, The Girlfriend, or Boyfriend have rights?

Jolene - posted on 06/19/2012 ( 37 moms have responded )

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I have been dealing with My exes New Girlfriend, So far i been called an unfit mother, I was even called this in front of my 12 year old daughter, who is easily influences. I been threated, in front of my children. but yesterday was the worst day ever.
I called up my ex phone to ask if I could see the kids. (he has physical custody) I said don't worry about calling just bring them out. Well, once I hung up the phone rung in. I said Yeah, The female said "Who's this". "Um, I said, you called me Who this?" Well it ended up being his girlfriend Alisha. I said may i speak with Faith and Bishop?" "Oh, there sleepig," she said. So, I hung up.( its about 1pm) Now, at this time I walk to my friends house, and after all I couldn't see my kids when she was around. So, I was gonna get a ride, up to the Friend of the Court. As, i was waiting for my friend to take her shower, Knock Knock on the door. And lord behold its Alisha, bitching at me for not being home. then she said that she was the one who said they could visit me. I was like whatever you don't want me to even be a mom to them, why would I believe you. Well, then she said find, they don't want to see you anyway, I'll just take them back. I said, bitch fuck you. She said I'm so sick of you. I said you know what just let me see my kids. She was so angry she got in my face and said" I should fucken hit you." "Go ahead, you been wanting to do it anyway." So, she then threw her sunglasses on the ground, and had me trap between my friend car and i push her out of my way, to get near the kids, which were in the truck watching this. She then pulled my hair, so i pulled her back. Then she punch me in my face... For what? For wanting, begging, crying to see my kids? And Mr. Asshole, said its all my fault. I started it by pushing her. Yeah I pushed her out of my way. So, I asked again. Does it give someone the right to stop anyone from seeing there own children?

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Jodi - posted on 06/20/2012

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Just deciphering so I can try and get my head around who took the lower road here:



Alisha: *bitch, moan, bitch moan*

Alisha: I was the one who said they could visit you.

Jolene: Whatever, you don't want me to even be a mom to them why would I believe you?

Alisha: Fine, they don't want to see you anyway, I'll just take them back.

Jolene: Bitch, fuck you (because you know that's going to get you somewhere)

Alisha: I'm so sick of you.

Jolene: You know what, just let me see my kids.

Alisha: I should fucking hit you.

Jolene: Go ahead, you been wanting to do it anyway.

Alisha: *throws glasses on ground and traps Jolene*

Jolene: *pushes her out of way to get near kids (always a smart move, taking the fight closer to the kids)*

Alisha: *pulls Jolene's hair*

Jolene: *pulls Alisha's hair*

Alisha: *punches Jolene in face* (totally, totally wrong, and I'd probably have her charged for that)



And all of this in front of the kids. Classy. It's rather a pity you couldn't take the high road, if not for your own sake, for the sake of the kids who were watching all of this. Grown up? I think not.



From all of that, I can't see that she was stopping you seeing your children. Her VERY first comment to you was that you could see your kids, and you threw it back in her face. Why couldn't you have responded with something along the lines of "that would be fantastic, thank you"? Instead, this situation devolved into one of the most immature exchanges between two women I have seen since I was in high school. Just because you didn't hit her back doesn't necessarily make you the bigger person. The fact that you had children sitting there watching this happen is totally unacceptable. You can reason all you like about not hitting her, you are kidding yourself if you think you did the right thing (and neither did SHE do the right thing. You both acted reprehensibly).



If you want advice, don't let this sort of situation happen again. You are making it worse than it needs to be. Instead, get yourself a lawyer, and get court ordered visitation of your children. As long as you don't have that, it will continue to be an issue. Also, STOP engaging with her at this level. Period. This isn't sticking up for yourself, it is classless and is damaging for the kids.

Sarah - posted on 06/19/2012

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Personally I worry about the safety of the children involved if both the female figures in their lives are willing to have a physical fight in front of them. I think you were both in the wrong. Misunderstandings can happen, but there is no need to swear or fight over them. What are both of you teaching those children? Whether you like it or not, she's in their lives too. She's your exes choice, not yours. You, your ex, and her need to start acting like adults instead of preschoolers. They're children, not toys to fight over in a playroom. All this negativity will not be good for them or their development. Stop the games and start being parents who put the best interest of your kids in front of yourselves.

Dove - posted on 06/19/2012

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Do you have a court order stating when you have visitations? If not, get one asap. If so, follow it and if the ex doesn't... take him back to court..

Sounds like all the adults involved in this situation need to grow up a little and focus on the kids instead of fighting with each other.

Dove - posted on 06/20/2012

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No, the new girlfriend/boyfriend has no right to keep you away from the kids. That's why you get a court order between you and your ex for when you do and don't get visitations and you stick to that. Period. Have drop off/pick up in a public location. If they violate the order... you call the police with the order in hand and THEY will go get your kids for you.



Stop engaging with this woman entirely. Get everything in writing, deal with them only in writing (or through a lawyer), and have every encounter with her or your ex in public... where there are witnesses if she gets violent. Cussing at her and getting violent back will only escalate each and every situation.

Stifler's - posted on 06/19/2012

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Wow this sounds like a mature and controlled situation. I think you need to take them to court about the visitation. Do not engage in conversation with the girlfriend or fight with her because it will only make getting visitation harder.

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37 Comments

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Jodi - posted on 06/21/2012

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"My son, never told me... until now. So, how was I to know if anything was wrong, if he never brought it up. Might be he was scared to tell me or might of been afraid I get pissed at his dad for not telling me, and he didn't want to see me upset. Its hard to help your own child out if he lack communication with you, because he's to worry about the outcome of it. I always worry about my kids."

Sorry, I don't buy it. You'd know if your kid had a broken ankle. He wouldn't HAVE to tell you. You'd take one look at him and realise there was a problem. Convenient that he is JUST telling you this now :\

Jennifer - posted on 06/21/2012

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Well, if you two were ordered by the court to come up with a schedule, then you both aren't following the court order, and it needs to be spelled out more clearly. But in response to your original question, girlfriends/boyfriends don't have legal rights, but they will have control. So get it spelled out in a court order, and understand that there will almost always be two step parents for your children to deal with. Act like adults, and set good models for your children.

Anna-Maree - posted on 06/21/2012

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Oh, just grow up. Any parent figure should not behave like that in front children. What kind of example are you setting? Do you want them to grow up shouting and screaming and swearing? Good grief.

Jolene - posted on 06/21/2012

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Now, I'm sure some well say just go to his sister, but thats not it. I shouldn't have to go anywhere to see them, they should be able to see me here at my home, I'm not under no supervised visitation. don't get me wrong, any way of seeing them is better then no way, and I don't have a problem going over there when they are at their aunts. I get along with his sister just fine. Its the fact that his new g/f won't let them come stay and spend time with me.

Jolene - posted on 06/21/2012

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The court gave us the right to work out our own schedule, basically we agree upon something that would best fit us both. I live now maybe 5 minutes away, driving wise. I'm so close, that he had the opition to have the bus dropped them off at my place after school if need be. however, given the distance of how close i am to my kids. He makes them go to his sisters, after I had address my concerns as to why he wouldn't just let them come see me. Now, I have seen my kids at his sisters, and this was before his new g/f was involved. The kids dad, has the obligation to inform me of what happen in our children life, he was to never denied, or disrespect me in front of them. However, the court paper, doesn't say anything about his g/f right? So, given that it aint him doing all the damaged, he may think he isn't even at fault. However, he was the one who stopped them from visiting with me, due to the fact he was trying to impress his new g/f. Now, I have called his cell, (no house phone) and asked to talk to them, but usually his excuse is he doesn't get good phone services. So, why not stop over or let me know that you are home, so I can stopped over. I don't just show up unexpected, I don't barge into his house, and disrepect his home. I do however, blow up the phone line enough to maybe once get a reply. So, I do try to get contact, I can't just go to his place, and have him called the cops on me for harrassement. I have to respect his boundry. But, he also has to respect the fact that I am the children mother, and he should of been respecting it since day one when he started dating this new g/f. Like i said before, I got along with his other g/f just fine, I never had a problem, with them, its just this one he has now.

Jolene - posted on 06/21/2012

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My son, never told me... until now. So, how was I to know if anything was wrong, if he never brought it up. Might be he was scared to tell me or might of been afraid I get pissed at his dad for not telling me, and he didn't want to see me upset. Its hard to help your own child out if he lack communication with you, because he's to worry about the outcome of it. I always worry about my kids.

Jodi - posted on 06/20/2012

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How is that you don't know when he had these injuries? How is it that if you did know, you didn't seek medical care for him?

Jennifer - posted on 06/20/2012

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I have been in the position of your ex's 'girlfriend', and while she has no LEGAL right to violate a court order, there is no court order to violate. If you willingly gave their father custody of the children, and there is no court order to establish visitation, then you are at the mercy of both the father and his girlfriend. My husband had(legal) full custody of his daughter when we began dating. The visitation of the order stated that he could determine when visitation was appropriate for the biological mom (long story, for another post). He traveled 180 business days each year, so I (the live-in girlfriend) had the say in when his daughter was able to see the bio mom. It was on my schedule because her father had relayed that decision to me, the girl's caretaker. We are happily married now, and I have raised that little girl just as my own, and she graduated from high school last month. But her bio mom would have fit into your "blow up" situation - I took the higher ground and did what was best for that little girl despite her egg donor. You need to understand what kind of impact you are making on your children, not what someone else is doing to you and causing your behavior. If your kids are important to you, call them, try to visit, but be willing to be silent until you get a court order. It doesn't take a lawyer - we have never had a lawyer, and have been to court plenty. Educate yourself, know what your rights and options are, and decide that you are going to step up, not blow up.

Jolene - posted on 06/20/2012

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Superman, he claim he was playing and fell off the chair and hit his head.. his ankle, he said was bruise and swollen. and that his dad didn't have time to take him in. he said it hurt him for a while. the knive he claim was he wanted to open something, so he took the matter into his own hand, and try to open it up himself.
Yeah, kids will be kids.. but i think the ankle, shouldn't of been check out... it could of been more then a sprain.. My youngest daughter, fell between the trapoline bars, (net was attach) and her knee was swollen, i took her in because I felt it wasn't looking right. turn out I was right she end up with a hair line fracture, and was in a cast. My son, could of had a fracture, but I will never know.

Cheryl - posted on 06/20/2012

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Although anybody can trip over a buggy, or fall off a chair........I would have to question why he wasn't taken for medical care IF in fact these were serious injuries. I mean, really - a broken ankle that healed with gauze and duct tape? How long ago was this, and are there any obvious lasting effects that would back his cliams (ie:limp, persistent tenderness/pain)? A 'broken head'? I would have to ask many more questions, if it were me as the mom.
Playing with knives....well, that is a whole different story.
Why have you been resistant to seek legal counsel or a mediator? I hate to think what you will feel like if he really gets seriously injured...or worse. You must find a way to make sure that you not only get the visits you're entitled to, but also ensure your child's safety. Child endangerment is just as serious as child abuse or neglect. Please get some outside help.

Audenn - posted on 06/20/2012

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I would ask him if that's what really happened and let him know he's safe. Playing with knives??? Wow...

Jolene - posted on 06/20/2012

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I just read my email, My son and I share email... And I want someone opinion on what I should do.. Its done and over with, so what he is sharing with me, is something he couldn't at the time it happen.

My son wrote (10 yr old)

im gonna list all serios injurys:

broken ankle: tripped over horse buggy

broken head: fell of chair

broken finger: playing with knives





note:most of these I didnt go to the hospital for. they were cared for with guaze and duck tape. the only one i got in the hospital for was my finger, my very first serious injury. i got one of those finger bandages. just telling ya



why didn't I hear about this? This really bugs me, maybe he is over analazing his injury.. yet maybe he is not.. Like I said.. is there something I should do?

Audenn - posted on 06/20/2012

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It's hard! I've been through it as a child with my parents and was almost there with my child. I had to do a lot of deep breathing lol= ) Keep your head up!

Jolene - posted on 06/20/2012

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I know, what i need to do.. And me waiting for it to get better, Is useless, unless, I do something. I haved try to work it out with the kids dad, so we didn't have to make it court order, but I can't Not know from one day to the next. I am filing with the courts. I am going to do my best to win. No negative, thinking..

Audenn - posted on 06/20/2012

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Whoa... I would first chill with the violence. Other people may love your children too. Does it give them any rights? Legally speaking, usually not. This woman may be a part of your life for longer than you like. I think you should try and work on being civil with the father. It's a good thing for your children to see. You don't come first anymore, the father doesn't and certainly not his girlfriend. BUT, these are the people that will impact your child's life the most. Be a good role model and the bigger person. Try and get a mediator if needed so that you and the childrens father can start communicating. If this isn't possible I would seek legal advice and make sure that EVERY time any little threat, yelling, or any sort of hostility/violence is around the children that you contact the authorities so that there is a written statement from you. You may need this at some point in court.Don't forget that your children do need a father, but one that is willing to be an adult and will be mature enough to understand that the children come first, and being a father is his most important job. Girlfriends will come and go, try and remember that you don't have to fight over your own children. If you feel they are being put in jeopardy in the smallest way, then calmly ask the father to have a conversation regarding only your concerns, not the drama. Put your personal feelings aside and look strictly at what you can do to better your children's lives. Forget everything else. If the father doesn't want to grow up and be a man then take him to court and let him have monitored visitations in a controlled environment. This might wake him up enough to get his life together and you can slowly start to trust him. For now I would make sure everything is documented, the kids feel safe, and you look into your options for legal advice in case that it comes to that point. Make sure to control your temper, or it may come back on you. Keep your eyes and ears open!! Best of luck!

Cheryl - posted on 06/20/2012

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Sounds like a Family Mediator (either court based or private) is in order. The behavior that the 'adults' are exhibiting in front of the children is heinous at best! WHY is your ex not interacting with YOU about YOUR children? The girlfriend should have absolutely NO SAY in whether you are 'allowed' to see your children nor, under what conditions (unless you show up for a visit and are obviously intoxicated or otherwise under the influence - then she has the right, and moral obligation, to protect them and call the police). Although it may not 'feel' as though you're doing anything by leaving your domestic squabbles to the legal professionals, it certainly cannot feel like you're doing anything positive in acting like a child in front of your children. What kind of a modeling are you demonstrating to your kids?
PLEASE stop this behavior and channel your energy in more constructive ways. Ask yourself....... DO I WANT TO BE PART OF THE SOLUTION, OR PART OF THE PROBLEM???
I wish you all the best in finding a solution!

Alexandra - posted on 06/20/2012

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you might have to take a police officer with you to go see your kids and you have to get a court order for this girl not to talk to you anymore.

Lilia - posted on 06/20/2012

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You need to take it family court, you have rights just like any other parent does, it can.be a bit nasty but you have a right to see your children and make sure the days you want, share holidays, time to pick them up and drop them off but be puntcual on both picking and dropping your children, if not a violation will be done in court against, trust me be calm, no.need to hire a lawyer you can do it yourself because I have been there and done that buts its the opposite my sons father had nerves to take me to visitation it took whole year to dismiss/end this case because the hell he has put me thru, just becareful and goodluck

Dove - posted on 06/20/2012

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SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO KEEP YOU FROM YOUR KIDS IF YOU GET A COURT ORDER FOR VISITATION!!!

Does that make it any clearer for you? Without getting a court order you are just as much at fault for not getting to see your kids. Do this the right way or quit griping about it.

Yes, she sucks. I don't think anyone here will argue you on that point, but.... you are not making the situation any better. If you WANT it to get better then take steps to make that happen by going to court. Otherwise... your ex and his girlfriend can jerk you around as much as they want and you can't do a thing about it except keep griping.... or make matters worse.

Michelle - posted on 06/20/2012

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Like everyone else has said: Get the visitation sorted out by the courts. Then she has to let you see them. Until then she will keep doing what she's doing.

Jolene - posted on 06/20/2012

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The problem was, I asked many time for the kids to come out, and because of her I couldn't see them. So, because she finally grew a heart, and today was the day, she felt like I should see them. What kind of excuse is that? Its not her decision to tell me when I should see them, its between their dad and I. And thats the issues, I'm having, she is making the parental decision, when she shouldn't.

Jennifer - posted on 06/20/2012

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As someone who works in social services, if this had been reported, noticed, whatever, you would both be in trouble. And then you would be told to work custody out in court.
Take him to court.
Get visitation in writing.
BOTH of you agree to it and abide by it.
It kinda sounds like you guys agreed to a visitation and then you ASSUMED it wouldn't happen and took off. THen you escalated the situation when she came to drop them off. Just imagine how much nicer of a day it would have been if you had stayed and waited on the kids and thanked her for dropping them off.

Stifler's - posted on 06/20/2012

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NO they have no right but it makes it easier for them to just say no if there is no court ordered visitation.

Tania - posted on 06/20/2012

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All of this is totally ridiculous and beyond childish. No one likes to admit they are wrong or have a problem. Next time this woman comes near you, call the police. Acting like a fool (swearing, 'pushing' with your shoulder, etc) in front of your children is not acceptable. What are you teaching them? No 'buts' about it, take responsibility for your words and actions. Let the police handle it. Better yet, get legal custody; then you won't have to deal with any of this. No one, and I mean no one, would ever tell me when I can see my children.

[deleted account]

No, it doesn't. The girlfriend don't have any right to stop you from seeing your kids. You may want to get a lawyer and make sure you have your visiting rights and so on. As for this girlfriend. Well get caller id. When she calls and jumps on you and so on..You have it on caller id that she called and if she calls and asks for someone else. She is harrassing you. If she hits you or anything like that. Get her up on charges and maybe you need to call social services and let them know whom is around your children. She isn't fit to be near those kids whatsoever.

If she tries this again..pushing you in a corner and hitting you. Press charges and you can stop her from being around your kids, It will go on record and when she harasses you afterward. You have it on caller id...you can nail her for that too. So, your ex thinks he is all big and bad and so on...Show what you can do. Back your ass up with the law behind you. Once this is done...You can go after custody again and more than likely win. For your ex isn't all so great to have some crazy woman around the kids. Hope you are seeing what I am saying.Oh yey...There are phones that will record while you are talking...THat would be a good idea to get with caller id too. When she calls and cusses you out and so on...tape it..

Jolene - posted on 06/20/2012

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The question on the post, was does it give the new g/f or new b/f any right to keep your kids away from you? No one seem to be even answering the topic.

Jolene - posted on 06/20/2012

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Another thing, I like to add for those who are misunderstanding me, I push her with my shoulder trying to get threw between her and the car, I didn't take my hands on her and push her.

Jolene - posted on 06/20/2012

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Yeah, i understand I shouldn't push her out of the way, but I've been having problem with the woman since day one. I understand I should of been greatful to her for even letting me see my kids, but since the two of us had bad experiences with each other, it was very hard for me to believe she would even be nice to me. And I wasn't even trying to take the fight near the kids, i was just trying to get away from her so i could see them. And she told me that if i did called the cops I diffently wouldn't see my kids. That is why I won't cause I haven't seen them in almost nearly 2 month, (she been with the kids dad for at least 3 month now.) My family say I should, but i tell them no its just gonna make things worst, I'll handle it my own way. I even had a talk with my landlord, who agree with you that i should of said Why thank you Alisha for letting me see them. But, given the history again, It was very hard for me to believe her.

Jolene - posted on 06/19/2012

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Okay, I understand i can't pick or choose who my ex date, but when he refused to let me see my kids and tell me one thing, which was because of the cats I had, then turn around and tell me that his new girlfriend that he been dating for only one month, doesn't want me to be in my kids life. So, for weeks, I had to prove to him, when it wasn't about the cats, it was about him making her happy. Then when he complains that I don't spend time with them, yet he drops them off at 11 pm and picks them up the next morning, what gives him any right to complain to me about spending time with them, when he is quick to take them away. And when his new g/f shows up with my oldest daughter, and say to me that I am unfit, I don't deserves my kids, that she wants to punch my face in front of my daughter, How do I react? I stood up for myself, but I didnt hit her, I went home. i was the bigger adult, and walked away. So, when this last innocent happen, she was the one who was determine to kick my ass, she was the one who had it set in her mind that she would beat me. All I was doing is pushing her out of my way so i could talk to my children, and if i was wrong for that, sue me.. because, she was the one, who got pissed at me and started pulling my hair, and i just pulled her back. I really don't care, I don't care about who my ex date, I have gotten along with g/f of his passed before, she is different. She is a bipolar bitch, So I am grown up, because you know what, regardless of what she may think about me, what she may tell my kids, I can promise you this, no bitch will ever keep me away from my children. And after all that bullshit, I have my kids with me.. because they decided for themselves who they wanted to go home with.. And they went home with me, and I had a chance to talk to them, without drama being around. So, I am greatful that my children are willing to accept my apoloize and that i promise i wouldn't disrepect their dad new g/f in front of them, and I have kept my promise to them. Unlike his g/f who judge me without ever knowing me. Only what she hears, is she judging me. I can easily be someone you could get along with, if given the opponunity..

Jolene - posted on 06/19/2012

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I also, like to post, this women hated me for the fact i was their mother. She made that clear before even knowing me.

Jolene - posted on 06/19/2012

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I've try ignoring her, I try talking directly to my children, but she seem to get her nose in everything. Its between him and I.NOT HER... I am going up to get court and order visitation, because after all the trying, I'm just done, I won't be dealing with "Oh you can't see your kids bullshit much longer." Because, no matter how many people tell me Don't, your gonna make it worst, or people telling me i should of turn her ass into the cops. No, I will deal with my drama my own way. Turning it to the cops only created more drama, that is why i plan on making sure its all court order.

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