does this sound fair to you?

Catherine - posted on 06/23/2011 ( 200 moms have responded )

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my fiancée,left me and our 9mth old daughter because i told him i was pregnant again.he has no other children.was not involved in my pregnancy and was very derogative and abusive whilst i was pregnant.when my son was born he refused to sign the birth certificate and ignored my sons birth completely.BUT he has undertaken court action to name my son.he is now over 6mths old,i gave him a name when i was only 20 weeks pregnant,i found out he was a boy and nearly lost him due to a very abusive phone call i received from my ex.the midwife advised i talk to the baby and name him in case the worst happened.i love my son dearly,does anyone else think it's absurd that a man can desert his pregnant fiancée abuse and intimidate her, refuse to acknowledge a child and still have the right to name him.because i chose to fight for the right to keep my sons name it will cost me over $20,000 how is this fair?

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JuLeah - posted on 06/23/2011

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Yup .... common for domestic violence abusers .... they often do this ... the child is a thing, something to own, his by right, not yours ....this is how he sees it. Sorry you are there .... pick your battles ... educate yourself about domestic violence and the pattrens of behavior to expect ... get legal assistance from someone who understands (really understands) domestic violence .... protect your kid ...you don't want this fellow having the boy for the whole summer or something, do you? Act now, act fast and be the first to draw up a legal contract ....

Rebecca - posted on 06/23/2011

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That's ridiculous. If he didn't sign the birth certificate, was there a paternity test? If not, that should look odd to any judge that a man will leave his fiancé while pregnant and then want to change the name of a child he never claimed to be his own. As far as the legal costs, you may be able to find free legal service/pro bono representation. I wish you well with both your children and to find happiness in a new relationship!

Adrienne - posted on 06/23/2011

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You need to contact a family law attorney. $20000 is way too high to help you with what is a relatively simple case. Your exam may be the father but that alone does not give him rights. He has to pay child support in order to have any right. And based on what you've told us it sounds like any reasonable judge is going to give you custody and not allow him access to your children

Nicki - posted on 06/23/2011

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In my opinion - he's your son, your responsibility, your decision. Your Ex doesn't deserve to call himself a father. I know my son wasn't planned but there was no way my husband would have left me or his son and certainly wouldn't hurt me, pregnant or otherwise.
I think you need to cut this guy out of your life for good - for your own sake & sanity and your children's sake.

Michelle - posted on 06/27/2011

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If you are unmarried, the father of the child has no naming rights, the mother names an illegitimate child. That is law.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

200 Comments

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Nete - posted on 06/30/2011

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could you tell him that your not really sure if the boy is his after all ... ;o)

Janessa - posted on 06/30/2011

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I imagine you'll win, but is there a way to get him to have to pay the costs, because no that is not fair.

Jessica - posted on 06/30/2011

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WHAT??!?!?!?! are you serious you had to fight in in court? you are in the wrong place hunny. where i live the judge would have pretty much told him hes screwed... That is insane.. Im sorry to hear that and good luck in the future.. but it sounds like you are FAR BETTER off without that guy anyway... Sooo like i said good luck

Lauren - posted on 06/29/2011

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OMG! i believe your doing the correct thing but you should put that ass**** name all out there cuz its absoulutly insane that he has THE RIGHT NEVERMIND THE AUDASITY .........

Kelly - posted on 06/29/2011

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This is ridiculous have you seeked Legal aid, or legal advise. You have every right to put your sons name on his birth certificate as you see fit. see a solicator or contact South West legal offers free legal advice phone 12.30pm-2pm The womens domestic violence advocacy service 9601 7777. call Phillip A Wilkins & Associates -Olivia Solicator 9727 6481, 97276750 1st Floor /Suite 7,9 William St Fairfield NSW 2165

Adrienne - posted on 06/29/2011

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I will agree with Carly. You need to stop him from seeing your children if there is abuse. I understand your daughter is a daddy's girl and it will not be an easy thing to do. But you need to. Please get documentation of your son's bruises (photos speak a 1000 words and are GREAT to show a judge) as do medical records. Someone needs to make sure he is not harming your children. Stay strong and do what you have to do in order to protect your babies. Best wishes to you and your family.

Dorothy - posted on 06/29/2011

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Not everything in life seems fair but we take what we are given to endure and keep moving on.

Carly - posted on 06/29/2011

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Whilst I understand your concern about your son's name, I think the bigger issue occurring is the abuse. I am concerned that you say your son comes home vomitting and hurt after being with his father. Report this to Child Protection. Take photos of any marks on him and perhaps photos of him before he goes to prove it. If he comes home sick, take him to the doctor's so you have a record. The custody arrangement is the priority because it sounds like your son is at risk every time he has to see his father. Child & Family Services can supervise his visits if there is reason to believe the children are not safe with him. I would suggest that if you are not already involved with CAFS that you do. I know that people want to avoid Child Protective services for fear of losing their children but they are there to support you and keep your children safe. Counselling for domestive violence for yourself might also be good to help you get out of the vicious cycle.

Megan - posted on 06/28/2011

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Catherine, do not listen to those who only want to criticize you and not offer anything encouraging. There are those who will give useful advice and those that simply want to say hurtful things. Turn to God, He will lead you to the people who can help you.

Megan - posted on 06/28/2011

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Some men have learned to hide their less then stellar personalities until they get the girl so wrapped around their finger that there is no way out and then they start showing their true colors. This is why even really smart women end up with monsters and don't know how to get out. It does unfortunately make us question our skills of judgment when it comes to choosing men and that is sad. There are good men out there and there are bad men and it is very hard to see the difference at times. These women need our friendship and encouragement instead of criticism. it is easy to look at the situation and wonder what these women saw in these men but until you have fallen prey to these types of men or have seen their true identity, you will never know. God Bless you Catherine and know that I am praying for you and your babies.

Megan - posted on 06/28/2011

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Although I agree that having the father in a boys life is important, only if that man is not violent or abusive is it a good thing. Keeping the father around when he is abusive and treats the mother bad can lead to the boy growing up and doing the same thing to other girls and women which is not good. We do not need anymore of those types of men in the world than we already have. I am sure you have some men in your life that would make much better role models then that monster.

Meg

Helene - posted on 06/28/2011

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First I'll say that it took a lot of courage for you to share your situation. I don't think this is about fairness. It is about right and wrong. Your fiancé is acting like an irresponsible, selfish, and abusive man. Since you are soliciting advice mine is to run as far as you can and as far as you can. Consider yourself lucky that you haven't marry this man. His behavior would only get worse.

I would encourage you to focus on your children. They need you more than ever and unless you have someone close to you, like a family member or trusted friend, you will have to be mother and father to your little ones, at least for the time being.

Also I don't know about the law where you live, but whether or not he recognizes his paternity, tests can be performed to establish paternity in which case he is financially responsible for his children.

Ultimately, you will have to decide how to proceed. My final bit of advice is that you take care of yourself and then look out for your interest and your little one. They should not have to live with someone who disregards them and is emotionally abusive
You and they deserve much, much better.

Warm regards,
Helene
Mother's Angel Doula

Megan - posted on 06/28/2011

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Donating sperm and being a dad are two very different things. He isn't married to you (thankfully) and he did not sign the birth certificates so he does not have the right to demand a name change. He is a control freak and probably has serious mental issues. that might not have been apparent when you first met him. Definitely seek legal counsel with a family lawyer and put a restraining order against him. He does not deserve to see either child because if he is so willing to abuse you, he will eventually began to take it out on her. She is still young enough to break that daddy's girl complex. He is no good for you or the babies to be around. That is way too much money for them to expect for such a simple case. You need protection from this control freak. I will pray for you and your two babies and be thankful that you did not marry him or he would have more control then he thinks he has.
Meg

Paula - posted on 06/28/2011

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men just suck - just tell him to take a hike - why isnt he paying the court feees if hes the one wanting the right? its soo hypocritical

Melissa - posted on 06/28/2011

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Catherine, I hope you are taking this child to the er or dr when he comes back in bad shape like you said he is. You need to have documentation on everything, if you can prove that he is hurting the boy with a drs proof then you may just win. None of us know what it is lie to go throught this in a different country than where we live, so we can all give you advice til we are blue in the face. I hope you have a lawyer helping you as well, it also sounds like he is putting you through a lot too so you need to seek a professionals help so that you do not end up in the hospital due to mental anguish because if that happens he gets the kids and you may never see them again. Try getting a small recorder and record all conversations with him as well for proof as to what he says to you, but mostly get a good lawyer. Will be praying for you from Kansas in USA

Cherisse - posted on 06/28/2011

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I believe the child will be happy to continue responding to the name you have chosen, whether or not the sperm-donor manages to win in court. The child will always be able to go by the name which he/she feels comfortable with. The child could legally "change" their name once old enough, if it is important to him/her. Don't let the man get to you.

Sandy Greatgrandmother - posted on 06/28/2011

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I understand that your little girl is a daddys girl now , but in my book with the abuse he is only sending her the wrong signals for when she gets older ( she will think that his kind of behavior is the norm so if you take them away somewhere safe you can be their roldmodel and maybe find yourself a decent man who will treat you all as you deserve to be treated. I did that many years ago and have never regreted it as my children were also young and had a chance to grow up the right way. Good luck run for your life Sandy

Tricia - posted on 06/27/2011

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It would be hard on your daughter at first, however you would be role modeling for her how to pick healthy relationships. Grown ups should not stay in relationships despising each other. You seperate and role model healthy boundries. She must see how he treats you. You let her know it is not ok for anyone to be mean to you. Ultimately you both will be happier.

Valerie - posted on 06/27/2011

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You can legally change your sons' name when you have the money. First, and most important is for you to get away from this person as soon as possible, and do not let him know anything about your whereabouts. This may seem harsh, but if he is as abusive as you say, you need to get far away from him, the sooner the better. I personally know that there are some local shelters that you can go to for help. Take a stand, be strong, you have lots of help. If you can walk away and not look back, you have the problem licked. They're plenty of people and organizations to help you and your children along your way to freedom and safety. Think of your children, they need to feel safe and loved. You are the loving and strong role model that your children have, keep it that way. Good luck to you and your children!!

Megan - posted on 06/27/2011

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That is disgusting and any judge in his/her right mind, will tell him to go jump! Personally I wouldn't have had a second one to him but that's a very personal choice and I know everybody has different feelings on this.

Yarkeya - posted on 06/27/2011

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WELL FOR STARTERS FORGET IF ITS FAIR BE HAPPY HE LEFT, HOPEFULLY YOU DOCUMENTED THE ABUSE AND IF HE DIDNT SIGN THE BIRTHCERTIFICATE HE DOESNT REALLY HAVE A RIGHT FAR AS THAT I DONT THINK, HOPEFULLY NO SANE JUDGE WILL LET A ABUSIVE DEADBEAT DADDY WIN.

Stifler's - posted on 06/27/2011

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He can't name a child who is 9 months old and already has a name. WTF. This guy sounds like a fucking idiot.

Jessica - posted on 06/27/2011

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sounds like it's time for you take take control of your life and don't let this man hurt your children anymore than he has already.

Cheryl - posted on 06/27/2011

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#1 You need an attorney. #2. The guy is a major loser. Do you want to raise your kids with such an abusive person? Get rid of him. #3. Don't have any more kids with this guy. Your kids are your priority as well as your safety. Get away from him fast.

Beverly - posted on 06/27/2011

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that is BS! how can he have any say at all if he never signed a birth certificate?

Katie - posted on 06/27/2011

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this is not fair at all and i would try my damnedest to fight if he didn't want to be involved he needed to leave you be not try to name your child that he had no interest in to begin with he is not the child's dad. it takes a lot to be a dad but not much to be a sperm donor and that seems to be all he wanted if he left you with your nine month old while you were pregnant. that is wrong and i would tell the judge and your lawyer the same he didn't sign the birth certificate so he should have no rights what so ever.

Janet - posted on 06/27/2011

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oh u poor thing - fight for all it's worth because the father of the child is NOT sane and while it may be legal for him to have say in the matter it is not ethically right

Alis - posted on 06/27/2011

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if he hasnt signed the b/c then hw can he have a right to even say wat the baby wears?..if hes taking u to court u demand that he pays for all the expenses. u go to ur midwife and tell her to give u a medical note about nearly having a miscarriage due to the extra stress u had from him..he wnt get far! hope it works out 4 ux

Amanda - posted on 06/27/2011

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OMG!! this is not fair at all and i hope and pray that u win!!!! good luck to u and all the best...

Shelley - posted on 06/27/2011

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No, not fair. BUT...why would you want this man in yours and your son's and your future baby's life? This whole issue is absurd. But I have learned that there are always 2 sides to a story. If the situation is as bad as you say, you should have no problem convincing the court to let you keep your son's name. Thie finacee needs to go away.

Patricia - posted on 06/27/2011

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also i thought about the concept "fair" it always bothered me when things were not fair. but when i found out that life is not always going to be fair it's a lot easier to let go of the expectations which cause resentments. you don't need to be angry if you choose to be the best mom you can. lots of love and luck!

Billie Jo - posted on 06/27/2011

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No that is not fair. He should have no right to name that baby boy at all. What an *** hole. No man should ever treat a woman that way and no woman should have to put up with that.

Patricia - posted on 06/27/2011

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i would not want to name the child after the abusive father. he's not going to change unless he goes in for psychoanalysis or something quite extreme. u will probably notice since the chances r high that your children, may have a tendency in that direction. so be straight with them from the start and always loving and constructive regarding their birth father. i'm so glad your children are brothers and or brother and sister. that is a wonderful support. hang in there don't deal w him at all. have your lawyers do what the previous women said. get a dna not that you have doubts but it needs to be on record that way if he ever straightens out the kids and/or you and him may reconcile but, at any rate you need support financially as well.

take care! look out for yourself first your children will thrive in a healthy environment.

Mary Alice - posted on 06/27/2011

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Counter-sue him for abuse and abandonment, and for all court costs. Insist on a DNA test before you agree to anything. Put his ownership and his behavior on record.

Samantha - posted on 06/27/2011

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He has no rights if he didn't sign the birth certificate....get a new lawyer that knows what they are doing!!! Good luck.

Donna - posted on 06/27/2011

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You must have a terrible lawyer. I would look it up but I don't think he has the legal right to do that.

Renee - posted on 06/27/2011

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This man is not helpful to you in any way. I would stay as far away as possible. Abusers want control of you, because they have no control of anything else in their own life. That is not your burden to bear.

Barbara - posted on 06/27/2011

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Did he do an DNA since he isnt on the birth certifacate? If he wants to name him tell he keeps the name he was born with and just add the name he wants but inform him that when that happens he will pay child support. NOT JUST FOR ONE BUT 2. This very thing happened to me in 1978 and when I told him I was pregant he said abored it and I told him that was in my vocabulary and then he denide his own child he said. He likes kids as long as they werent his own. Thank god I found my husband he raised my son since he was 16 months he is now 32 yrs old. He has never seen his Biolagical father and doesnt care to.

Nicole - posted on 06/27/2011

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I'm sorry, but this doesn't make any sense at all. See, my sister in law..her sister, has a daughter who is 7. Her father stated that he didn't believe the child was his. She has since gotten married, and that man signed her birth certificate. Making himself the legal father. The real biological father can do absolutely nothing. So, without his name on the birth certificate, I don't see how he even has a chance. Not only that, but if he is going into court fighting for the baby's name, then he is basically owning up to being the parent..which means..child support! You need to get a different lawyer.

Michelle - posted on 06/27/2011

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The more important question is "why the heck would you stay with him in the first place?"

Cheryl - posted on 06/27/2011

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Hi Catherine, I'm so sorry to hear what your going threw, I know I don't even know you but ladies should stick together. Men are very selfish and want everything, they have know idea what it is like to have a baby and what we go threw. I think you should have nothing to do with him, he sound like he would just bring you down and it's not healthy for your baby. I hope everything works out for you keep in touch Cheryl

Tah - posted on 06/27/2011

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I don't think it's fair, nor do I think it's fair to you or the children to have stayed with an abusive man and then gotten pregnant by him again when he's done all this to you and the first child..

Wendy - posted on 06/27/2011

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I'd like to know how he thinks to change this child's name without signing the birth certificate. That's like walking up to a stranger and saying I don't like your name I'm changing it. If you demand he prove he's the father then you should be able to get some support. Who knows you don't have to call your child by their legal name except on legal documents. You never know your ex may not endear himself to your child without your encouragement. I have a friend right now with two boys who want to change their last names from their father's to their mom's last name. Found this out last night.

Robin - posted on 06/27/2011

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No. it is not...and Sounds like he has issues..if he did not want to be envolved why fight now?

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