Don't Know What To Do

Katey - posted on 05/18/2011 ( 17 moms have responded )

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Okay, I need to vent a little; where none of my family member or on my friends list or anything and this is just the place to do it.

Chuck & I have had our place to ourselfs for just 2 months before his brother from Boston moved in with us. He wasn’t working, cleaning, paying anything. We were paying for his meds $200.00 a month, his food, his place to stay, his cigs, and personal items. Plus he took over our daughter’s room, and was stinking it up, because he would only shower once a week, if we were lucky. Well, I couldn’t take it anymore. So I told my husband he had to go. So we payed for his bus ticket out of here.

Then, before he left my parent’s moved in. So I had 5 adults and a baby in a 2 bedroom 1 bath house. Can you imagine how crowded that was?? My parent’s are still living with us. But they are paying have the rent, which I am gratful for. But they have a dog that parks all hours of the night, they don’t clean after themselfs, they are so loud all night. They slam doors while my family & I are trying to sleep, and my husband has to get up at 5:00AM every morning. My electric bill is now over $200.00, my water bill is now like $80.00 a month.

I do all the cleaning, I do the laundry, dishes, sweep & mop my floors every day, I bleach my basboards at least once a week, I make the bed every morning, I take care of an active 1 year old, and my husband does the cooking. I don’t think I can do all of this much longer.

I think the only reason why my parent’s are still living with me is because they pay have the rent, and I get to keep my furniture (that they say is theirs, but we paid for it years ago before Chuck & I went to Boston for 6 months). I just want my house back. I want my daughter to have her own room again.

I don’t know how to tell my parent’s this without hurting their feeling’s, even though they have hurt mine several times. I mean these people kicked me out at 11:00 at night when I was 9 months pregnant. It’s just I don’t know what to do or say to them.

My husband & I can’t sleep at night with all the damn noise they make. Any suggestion??

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Krista - posted on 05/19/2011

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They're shamelessly exploiting you and taking advantage of you, and for two adults, seem to be really crappy at taking care of themselves (both physically and fiscally). You sacrificed your youth and your education for them, and frankly, I think you've done MORE than enough for them.

It might be worthwhile contacting social services to see if there is any sort of subsidized housing they could get into. But you have GOT to get them out of your home before they destroy your sanity and your marriage.

Gwen - posted on 05/19/2011

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Kick them out and change the locks. It is not right for them act as though it is your responsibility to provide for them (especially at age 13)!! Nothing will change until you make the decision to stand up for yourself. It is your house, and you make the rules. Quit being a doormat and get on with your life. Apparently your parents see you as a servant, not a daughter.

JuLeah - posted on 05/18/2011

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Well, the thing I read is that you say 'yes' to folks moving in when you don't wish them to and you don't lay out the ground rules before they do.



Not sure why you are posting here. I mean, we care, we understand, we agree it is a mess, but we are not the problem.



Call a family meeting and talk with them. Out line the house rules. They can live with that, or they can not; in which case they will move. If you really don't want them there, give them notice.



They are grown and there is no reason in the world their feelings matter more then yours.



It is not kind to speak one thing and feel another. You end up resenting people for something you said was okay with you. That is not respectful or honest.



People deserve respect and honesty. So, respectfully tell them to leave.

Krista - posted on 05/18/2011

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Gad, what a mess. A lot of it probably depends on what kind of relationship you want to have with them. If you don't care, then just kick them out and be done with it.

But, if you want to maintain some sort of relationship, then you may need to get them to leave voluntarily. In which case I suggest lots of loud, energetic sex at 3am.

And you really need to learn to say "no". You say your parents moved in, but one of you obviously had to agree to this in order for it to happen, right? So you really need to learn to say, "No, I'm sorry, but that's just not going to work," and stick to it. Otherwise, as soon as you get your parents out, some other mooch will be moving in and you'll be right back to square one.

17 Comments

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Sarah - posted on 05/23/2011

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I sympathise. You sound like a nice person who wants to help others out but ends up being taken for granted. You know that if you hadn't helped them they would have found somehwere to go. Now they are living with you they sound like they are comfortable and have no real incentive to find somewhere else.
I'm afraid you need ot get tough. If you feel like you you will struggle to say the right things when you are face to face then perhaps you could write down what you want to say then read it out or let them read it while you are together. Then discuss the options.
if you want to avoid a confrontation then I would focus on what you as a family need rather than what you don't. eg the fact that your relationship with your husband already moving into new territory now you're parents is under added pressure as you dont have any time alone together.
The fact that you need to move your daughter back into her own room so you each have your own space and you can go to bed at night without fear of discturbing her.
Therefore althought you want to help them out and will support them any way you can, they need to move to a place of their own (and give them a deadline). I'm sure they wont be happy about it but at the end of the day if they love you and respect you as a person they will ultimately understand and appreciate the help you have given them so far.

Ultimately you asked your husband to get his brother moved on, which he did, and that may have been difficult for him. Now he is asking you to move your family on. It is way past tim eyou had the place to yourselves again.

Cynthia - posted on 05/23/2011

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return the favor. wait until one of those nights at about 11:00 when they are being loud and you are frustrated and give them the boot. right then on the spot. it will feel so good to stand up for your self and give them a little of the compassion they showed you when you were pregnant. lol its funny and i'm half kidding but for real why would you ever let them move in after the way they treated you. good luck and try to learn how to just say no.

Blackwood - posted on 05/22/2011

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OMG, crazy situtaion. You have every right too want no one but you, your husband and daugther living in your home and that's how you put it. Simply say "okay, so I hope you understand being parents and all, that we (your husband has to back you up) am taking our house back and am giving you one month to find a place of your own. Please don't take this personality, becuz it really isn't to be taken that way. I am a mom and a wife now and I know I'm your daughter and you are my parents, but a mom and a wife are my first roles. We don't want to live with anyone, not friends or family, we want to grow together as a family. I know that since you have had a family like me in the past, you will understand" Simple, you are not directing the move towards them,but the focus on your family. They will come around and if they don't then that is there issue. You don't want to resent them and your family really does come first, it will take a toll on your relationship and it's not fair to you, your husband or your daughter. They took care of you when you were young, so you could become an adult to take care of your life. They are not sick and NEED your help. If money is an issue for them, then they can get a bacholor pad, it's the amount of space they have right now, but prob bigger (your daughters room). Best of luck, that's a hard situation, but just remember you can't put on a parent role to your own folks.

Christy - posted on 05/22/2011

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For the future, these types of issues should be negotiated before family moves in. I've lived with family three times and had family live with us several times and no matter what, it sucks. At this point, you have got to not worry about their feelings, you've got to take care of your family. Sit down with them and tell them we need to talk about what needs to happen in order for them to live with you. Meal rotation, chore rotation, and quiet hours. Ask for their contribution to making the chore assignments so that they are in agreement of what they are willing to do. These changes are in effect immediately.

If these measures are not met, then you and your husband need to have a backup plan that is extreme. If you paid for the furniture, it's yours. My idea for extreme measures is have a date in mind for the fall back plan, say one month. After that time has passed, if they are not filling their part of the deal, then follow through with the backup plan. My thought is move. Plan it quietly and move quickly. If you're in an apartment, I think this could be easily done. If you own a home, this might not work. Whatever drastic measures have to be taken, do it. Pack them up and move them out, change the lock on the door. Whatever you decide, stand up for yourself and your family and don't let them walk all over you.

Stifler's - posted on 05/22/2011

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Tell them you need your own space because you're a grown up now and it's time they got their own place.

Tina - posted on 05/21/2011

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You've done what you can do to help them while they can back on their feet. Explain you don't mind helping them out so they can back on their feet but at some point your daughter is going to need her room back. If their feelings are hurt there's not much you can do they'll just have to get over it. If they act childish and don't want to talk for a while that's their problem. They're old enough to look after themselves. They should be taking more responsibiltiy.

Amber - posted on 05/21/2011

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Change the locks and put their stuff on the front lawn. They'll get the picture. It seems like it's the only feasible solution you have left...

Katey - posted on 05/20/2011

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I think they can make it on their own, I can't do this anymore, I'm fixing to have a damn breakdown!!!!! I'm stressed tot he max, and so is my husband

Katherine - posted on 05/20/2011

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Well my suggestion is to somehow get them out. It's not fair to you to have to cater to them. I think if you put it in a nice way maybe they can handle it.

I wouldn't be able to cope with something like that. Geez.

It's almost an invasion of privacy. Well actually it is. You need to get them out. If they have steady income there is no reason why they can't survive on their own. Just my opinion.

Katey - posted on 05/20/2011

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Krista, they do apply for housing but there's a waiting list, and there is no telling how long that is going to take. Last night my husband & I was grilling steaks to have dinner together, but they decieded to come out and eat and take over my kitchen table, which my husband was not to happy about. I also have a 60" T.V in my living room, and they have a tv in their room, we don't. So they came out at like 7:00 to take over out tv. So we had to go to bed earlier then usual. Now, the living room is a place for my husband and I to relax together when the baby goes to sleep. Because the baby's crib and changing table is in my room along with a queen size bed. So we can really go in our room to relax because we will wake up the baby. No my husband and I had a talk last night, and he wants them gone by the 3rd, and I had to tell him that they need more then that to find a place, but they also have to pay the rent here while they are looking for another place to live in the meantime. And they are on Disability, and Social Security. They have guaranteed income. I am so confused. I want to make my husband happy, but they have no where else to go.

Katey - posted on 05/19/2011

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Amber, I wish I had a brother or sister, but I am the only one thay have adopted.

Katey - posted on 05/19/2011

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Krista, my husband & I did agree they can move in, the only reason is because they got a 5 day evict notice, and they had no place to go. My husband works very hard to get what we have, and I just don't like it being taking advantage of. I mean they are like 300 pounds a piece, and they just broke my couch for the 2nd time. I want to keep a relationship with them, but I don't want to hurt their feelings at the same time. My husband and I both agree that they need to take a little more respondabilty for the things they do. But if I mention anything to them, they they get all pissed at me like I am in the wrong or something; and then they won't say a word to me or my husband for days at a time. I can't keep doing this. I have always taken care of other people and their needs before ours. I've taken care of my parents since I was 13, I quite school to get 2 jobs to help they pay their bills and whatever else the needed.

Amber - posted on 05/18/2011

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I'm going to have to agree with Krista. While I love my parents very much, I would not want either of them living with me. I, in fact, am faced with having to live with my father as the current economy is forcing him into losing his house. I don't want my father to be homeless, but I certainly don't need another body in my already cramped little apartment.

Now, saying no is hard, and I know that. So, here's my suggestion, which is what I'm doing: Do you have any siblings that can take them off your hands? Perhaps some other family members that will have the room? In my case, my brother and his girlfriend live in a three bedroom home and one of the three bedrooms is empty and the second bedroom is a computer/gaming room. So, they have the space.

I know it sounds horrible to do this, but my brother can also afford to take him in. But, I know my dad will help pay the bills AND will have his own space there... Just talk to your family. They might be able to help...

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