Happydays - posted on 12/26/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )
Sorry for the long essay......I have a 3.5 year old and a 5 month old - 2 gorgeous girls. I've been with my partner about 5 years, we fell pregnant by accident shortly after we got engaged.
We don't have a happy relationship. When I met him I was 30 and he was 42 and although we got along great as friends I never saw him as my future husband. I feel he pushed his way into my life but I guess I let him. I felt I was getting old (!!!!!! I was only 30 I shouldn't have been panicking) and desperately wanted kids. It was convenient for him to move in, but I never felt completely "right" about getting engaged I don't think. When I fell pregnant I cried and it was a huge decision to have the baby, although of course I don't know what I would do without her now. All I've ever wanted to be is one happy family but we just don't get a long now. Before we got engaged he told me he had $300,000 in the bank and we could buy a house. Because of that I did think we had the financial stability to bring a child into the world. We looked for houses when I was pregnant, and put an offer on a house that I fell in love with. Now I know why it seemed a struggle to get him to look and put an offer in - the offer was accepted but when it came time to settle there was no money in his bank and it all fell through! I was absolutely devastated (and 7 months pregnant) and have never really gotten over it. He always kept his finances secret and I feel lied about the money (he says he was owed the money but it has never come through and he hasn't chased it ). Now I realise he's bad with money - has lots of debt and doesn't pay bills so I have had to take over the finances which he isn't happy about. He has a decent job and we rent a fairly decent house and I just wanted to keep working on the relationship. He is a good man in a lot of ways. A great Father, doesn't drink, doesn't abuse me physically or mentally. We were getting along fine for a while and doing better financially because I could work which is why I fell pregnant with my 2nd but soon after learned of more debts that he had :( I just don't respect him whatsoever and we simply don't get along anymore. Disagree on so many things. I want to go to couples counselling but he doesn't. I think we had sex once after we conceived the last baby and I don't think we'll ever have se again.
My huge dilemma is should I separate?!?! It's really all I think about doing and I've always been one to say not to stay together for the sake of the children and that they are better off when you are separate and happy rather than together and unhappy. But it means we will have to move to a small, old apartment to financially cope and I will have to work while the baby is young (I do work a little now but I will have to work more). It also means they will see him less and he will be devastated.
I know he is happy to keep living together and get along with me but I can't stand him! It churns my stomach! Do I need to just get over my anger at him and get along for a few more years till the girls are both at school and I can get out and work more? I realise I put myself into this situation so I have to deal with it. Or should I make the plunge now and get out and move on? He is so good around the house though - helps out with dinner, the housework, putting them to bed etc. On one hand I really do feel like a fool for leaving and I feel selfish because life will be harder on the girls. But I am angry all the time and I know that's not good either! SO CONFUSED!