Don't Think They Should Be Told....

Christina - posted on 06/07/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My ex-husband had almost all of his rights taken away by the courts. He is allowed restricted visitation and has seen his kids for a whopping 5hrs in the past 2yrs. I just found out that he and his little 20yr old GF are pregnant, due in Feb. He is 29. He is mad at me because I won't let him tell the kids via phone that they are going to have a baby brother or sister. First of all, he has already promised the kids he is going to try and come see them. That isn't going to happen. Between the $600 he pays monthly in child support and a new baby, he will have no money. I think it is cruel to tell my kids about this baby when they are not going to see it (or see it once, then not again for a few years). Also because of this baby, he can't come see the kids. We live 1400 miles away from him. My 7yr old daughter is already mad at him for doing bad things that made it where we had to leave immediately. If she finds out he is having a baby, she will probably never talk to him again once she discovers that he is taking care of this baby but not her. As much as I hate him, I don't want him to destroy the very fragile relationship he has with his children. And this baby is going to do that. I don't care that he is "moving on" with his life. I got married 5wks ago, and have a wonderful family. I don't agree with him having another baby when he lost his rights to his kids because of his actions and he has done nothing to fix his past mistakes. Am I wrong for not letting him tell my kids about this new little spawn he is having? I know they will find out, but NOW is not the time, especially with the increased risk of miscarriage in the 1st trimester.
*Side, I don't wish ill on this baby at all. While I can't stand the poor things parents and feel sorry for this child, other than that, I have no emotions about it. I really don't care what is fair to this baby though. This baby is not my problem. Only thing I care about is my children.*

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[deleted account]

You sound bitter and twisted about it to be honest. Regardless of how you feel this new baby will be your daughters sibling and you shouldnt keep it a secret from her. Your daughter will always resent her father not being around but hiding things from her is not going to make things better. Your attitude towards your ex and his new partner is going to do nothing but damage your kids relationship with their father time for you to grow up and start thinking about your daughter.

[deleted account]

You're the parent, therefore you do not have to reveal a pending sibling until later on in the pregnancy. But I have to agree with the post above. Even though yo uhave moved on, you still sound like you have a lot of pent up and unresolved anger, plus a little immaturity of your own refering to this baby as a "little spawn". Grow up! The guy is a deadbeat and that won't change. Be grateful you even get your monthly child care payment! But what YOU can change is the attitude you present to your children. What you wrote was quite contradictory in regard to wanting to preserve whatever fragile relationship they have left versus the attitude of a half sibling for your kids.

So, to answer your question "Am I wrong for not letting him tell my kids about this new little spawn he is having?"

My answer-NO-when the time is right and the baby is on its way, then share that they will have a half sibling. Then make the decision on how involved your children should be in their sibling's life.

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Jenni - posted on 06/08/2011

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Hmmm... I was sort of speculating by your OP that there was more to this story you weren't alluding to.

In all honesty, I have to give you kudos for trying to make it work despite that. If it were me, my children would have NOTHING to do with this man.
I was abused by my father and haven't spoke to him in 10 years... Nor will I ever. I didn't want much to do with him before that even. He went and had 2 kids after he got out of jail. They are the same age as my children and are my half brother and sister. I called CPS and they couldn't do anything about it. It's sad and makes me unbelievably angry that the cycle of abuse will continue.
I would not blame you from cutting this man out of their life completely. I would. I guess I'm bitter too.

Christina - posted on 06/08/2011

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Oh, to add on, I call all my children my little spawns. I've called them my little spawns since the time I've conceived them. So for me to call this kid his little spawn is not an insult to the child. It's just a term I use. My children love being "mommy's little spawn."

Christina - posted on 06/08/2011

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Only thing I'm mad about is that once again, my ex has pushed off his legal obligations. He was suppose to attend therapy two years ago to try and fix his issues which lost him almost all of his custody of his kids. He just called them two weeks ago promising them he was going to come see them, and now that he is having a baby, he isn't going to come and see them.

I'm mad that he keeps hurting his children. I'm mad that I dutifully hand the phone over whenever he calls and he makes them promises.

I'm mad as hell that he refuses to sign over the very few rights he has to his kids but also refuses to do anything to amend the situation.

If I was bitter and twisted, I would have called the local authorities in his area to inform them that his girlfriend is pregnant and living with him when he lost custody of his other three kids for child endangerment issues. I haven't done that because it is not my place. His gf knows what he did, and if she is okay leaving a kid alone with him, then that is on her. Contrary to what you think, if I was really bitter towards him, he would be registered under Megan's Law right now! I just want him to stop screwing up his children's lives. And I really don't think my kids have to know anything about this baby that they will never see until after it is born.

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