dont know if im up or down and need encouragement

Emily - posted on 12/09/2013 ( no moms have responded yet )

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a little over a year ago,october 2012 I was given the shock of my life when my husband of at the time of 8.5 years told me that he was not happy and wanted to try a separation, this was the greatest shock of my life. I heard about these things, but never could I ever in my wildest dreams ever thought that this could happen to me, to us. we were sealed in the temple, we believed in eternal marriage..we loved each other. my whole world consisted of our family.we had a sweet at the time 6 year old son and twin at the time 3.5 year old daughters. we did everything together, everything. He was my best friend. he was the kindest, most honest and dependable and humble guy I had ever known. so to say it was a shock was an understatement. I knew things were tense at home, as I had been going through so much that last year.( I buried my closest aunt who helped my mother in raising us from infancy very suddenly a few months prior and was dealing with that grief when I was delivered another blow of my father passing. this happened in july 2012.this experience had been a traumatic one as he died of an overdose and there were step children and a current wife involved that made it quite a difficult funeral for his birth children and his family. the wife kept insulting us calling us deadbeat children since we weren't around for my father who abandoned us when we were young and was violent to my mother. they saw us as tyrants who abandoned an ill man.so they tried everything in there power to keep our father from us even in his death.sending us to different funeral homes and the like to cause more grief. they never saw how we searched him out in shelters and hospitals and tried to be close to him... in the end he died on his living room floor from an overdose, no goodbyes, no explanations, no im sorries, then we had to endure the harassment and accusations of a woman who hindered him and made us feel worthless.... top that with my daughter and son getting chronically ill and doctors visits on doctors visits and the year was filled with pain)so having such a rough year perhaps I didn't see the signs. but to have my husband who I never felt anything questionable about him tell me he was unhappy and he wanted a separation, I quickly thought oh he is unhappy because its been a rough year and he is stressed and because I have been so angry because of grief( I mean the last few months I had noticed he grew more irritable and impatient but that was it) I asked him what I could do and if there was anyone else( mind you I was more than sure that he would say of course not honey) when he shocked me by saying words I would never forget "there is someone at work who makes me smile" my heart dropped and once I knew the extend of there texting and "feelings" once I knew her age -21 and her lifestyle(bi) and did not care that he was married, my heart shattered into abillion pieces. I was hurt, I was angry, I was broken. the following days he turned from being open and kind, from I love yous and hugs and kisses and being a presence besides me at night to a man full of rage, hate and bitterness. his I love yous turned into ' I feel nothing for you when you cry' and I don't think you are attractive and I care about you but I love you, our marriage turned into just a 'history' to him, he was cruel and careless. he slept on the couch every night and just stopped talking. he started hanging out with horrible friends that did nothing but curse and drink and he started becoming like them. he stopped praying, removed his G's. we spoke to the bishop and he was completely disrespectful and irreverent in anything the bishop said. he said he had no testimony, nor did he care to gain one. he had no interest in fixing his marriage and kept finding ways to blame me as the horrible inconsiderate wife. he texted me when I would be in the process of dropping my children to school with ugly confessions that tore my heart out. I literally felt like I was being thrown into the twilight zone. cameras had to be rolling somewhere, none of this could be happening. it couldn't be real. but it was.we agreed to go to counseling he quit within a couple weeks. he said he stopped talking to that girl at work though I could tell from texts he kept trying to persue her "friendship". and what was worse, he started staying out late at night, he was mean and distant to the kids and always distracted on his phone or with work or school or a friend, and yet dispite this I prayed. I fasted, I got blessings and went to the temple, I prayed over him and soaked my cheeks with tears of pleading, everyday all day for over a year. more secrets came out, there was another girl, this time at school, he kept lying about where he was going to be with her, even lying to me and leaving his scarlet fever, strepped throat strickened son at home to go on a "study date" meaning hang with his affair while I stayed home in my grief knowing in my heart it was a lie but also knowing that someone was going to do whatever they set there mind out to do and no matter what I said would not change his actions. I could not tie him down and smack sense into him( though I confess I REALLY wanted to) these things continued for a long time and all through thanksgiving, Christmas and newyears. he caused a lot of broken hearts. at times I just wanted to give up but something just kept telling me to hang on and hold on to him. I think because if I didn't, he would be completely lost to the world. we learned that he suffers from chronic medical grade depression and stopped communicating all together. he was always just so tense, dark and quiet, either falling asleep or being in space. it was very hard. he made some leaps and bounds. I tried to be very patient and humble around him, trying to see past his actions and to his heart to why he did these things. I tried very hard to see his spirit as I still do , and we have made some progress but despite that progress we have made, there is still this wall, this ugly stubbornness and pride. we separated because of his lack of willingness to take those actions necessary to heal our marriage, mainly leaving that job, going to counseling and trying to attend church as a family. each carry an excuse. he left after I couldn't take his lack of commitment anymore and came back after a month when our then 4 year old daughter suffered a seizure for no apparent reason. most likely stress induced. he has been home ever since, I have had breakdowns crying that he didn't love me and only came back cuz of guilt. he says that's not true and doesn't want to be with anyone else and loves me and our family, but still doesn't try to do anything in helping to mend our marriage. our mend my heart or trust. when I ask about the job or counseling he has one reason or another. while he no longer hangs out with those friends and is much better with our children, it all just feels so shallow. everything feels so empty. I feel like I get very little attention or affection from him. I love him with my whole heart and know the sacredness that it means to be sealed and I value that with all that I am. I cant imagine my life without him but fear that that is what will happen. I finally told him a couple of weeks ago that I would not carry this burden into 2014, that I needed to feel invested in to or we would have to do what it felt like he was preferring to do, divorce. he assures me its not but his actions or lack of them tell me this isn't so. Oh ladies I cry as I write this because my heart hurts so much. if you could have known my husband, seen him, you would understand why I still walk with him, but how much should one person take, how do you let the person you are so dedicated to and invested in and love so much and see as your own soul, how do you let that person go? how do you know when its been enough and that the person you cant be without can be without you. that this life with mattered so much to you and was so real and wonderful, is just not real for them? oh how? how when my very heart loves him? and yet my very heart breaks because of him... I think of his words, his actions, his broken promises, his broken covenants, his indifference to them, when our covenants mean the absolute world to me, how it tears me up everyday knowing that he had chosen to give up the right and blessing to baptize our children. my sweet son who will turn 8 in july and tells me all the time when my daddy baptizes me... how can I tell him his dad wont? how can I break his heart, how it hurts me that he wont any longer pray over them or for them, he no longer gives blessings or cares about church, he tells me all the time he doesn't want to be the man he once was and that hurts me so much. I hate to say it but it WAS his devine nature that I fell in love with, knowing we could raise our children with the principles we both loved, honored and cherished so well. it swelled my heart and brought such a measure of warmth and stability to our home, and now all I feel is scattered and afraid. I feel left holding a weight all my own I don't want to hold, crying out to someone who wont hear me and doesn't care, his heart is hardened now and he is full of stubbornness and pride that makes him hate any talk of the gospel and makes it hard for our hearts to connect. after all how can you make recompense with somwone who isn't humble. how can a marry have reconciliation without both hearts being open, honest, humble, reverent and willng. if you are not willing to repent and see the complete picture and really work on it, then how can it be worked out? if one heart is humble and the other is not, then I cant see how. my heart may be able to forgive him but his heart wont be able to receive it and nor would he be willing to forgive himself or seek a complete forgiveness, from myself or the lord and if he cant do that than no matter what he will always have that weight that separates him from us. it adds more and more burden on both of us..... so now its fourteen months later and my heart hurts, Im afraid all is lost, in the most important ways I have become a single mother, emotionally, spiritually, where it comes to decisions with our children and their emotional health, all that falls on me the " emotionally present parent" to make them laugh to comfort them to teach them to care for them and to give them normalcy. my husband does not look for me or tell me that he loves me. we don't fight but im just not sure he thinks Im worth the fight and well, that really really hurts. im sorry this is sooo long, but I haven't really been able to say things this way to anyone. I go to counseling every week but I felt like I really needed to write this down, I needed to know im not alone, that there is someone out there who cares and understands what I am going through. this is really testing my faith and I am frightened of the future. I feel so devastated and so so sad. my heart is so heavy. I don't want things to end in my marriage but I need help to figure out what to do.Im now 30 and have invested in this man for the last 11 years. we were such a great family. I miss that terribly and I feel so alone sometimes. please pray for me, as I will be praying for you. advice would be so welcomed. God bless you amazing women. thank you so much

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