Drawing heart line with independent college daughter.

Paula - posted on 03/20/2015 ( 10 moms have responded )

7

0

1

I'm a single mom with only one daughter who is in her second year of college. She is thinking of transferring to our town college. She doesn't want to live with me but with a friend off campus next year. I'm hurt. Do I put too much heart into our relationship? She does include me in her activity agenda some, but slices the pie in favor of her friends. I feel like I give her my all, heart-time-money, and get back way way less. OK- so I know I need to get a life full of friends too. But that is easier said. Still, even with friends, is it normal to keep putting out and feeling I am not getting much in return? Do I step back, detach, and accept the relationship is not what I want it, but realize I have not a choice in the matter because it has to be a two way street? Any suggestions?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Michelle - posted on 03/21/2015

3,555

8

3244

I'm not saying you are no longer her Mother. I meant that your 1st priority isn't your daughter anymore. You will always be her Mother but when our children grow up our job actually changes. We don't need to provide everything for them, we no longer have to arrange their whole life. That's their job.
Our role as a Mother to grown children is more to be someone that they come to for advice when they need to. They don't have to tell us everything they do.

Michelle - posted on 03/21/2015

3,555

8

3244

You need to learn to let go. You have raised her to be an independent woman so you now need to give her the chance to be that person.
I understand it's hard but she needs to now live her own life.
You need to find a hobby or a group of friends to find yourself again. You are no longer a single Mother, you are now your own person!

Sarah - posted on 03/20/2015

3,876

14

1082

She is being a young adult. Part of her learning who she is and her values is letting go of you. It does not mean she does not love or want you. Your role is changing. You will always be her mom. You will always hold a special place in her heart, but just like a toddler no longer needs a mom like a newborn does. A young adult no longer needs her mom like a teen does. Embrace this new journey as your relationship will take on a new specialness.

Cynthia Rebecca - posted on 03/20/2015

5

0

1

Hello Paula 😊

as a 20 something year old two years ago I was also attending college and I do have to say that most of the time I was more interested in going out with my friends and having fun than staying in or spending time with my family. Which, looking back on it wad incredibly selfish but at the same time i felt it was my time to do what I wanted with the liberty that I suddenly had.please don't take it too personally, I still loved my parents I was just... Distracted I guess you could say. Your daughter loves you too,

10 Comments

View replies by

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/23/2015

13,211

21

2014

Needing you for moral support and praise IS NEEDING YOU, Paula.

No, she doesn't need you to kiss her boo-boos or those types of 'mom' activities, but she'll always need her mother. We all do.

You just need to move forward with YOUR life now! You'll do fine.

Paula - posted on 03/22/2015

7

0

1

Hi Michelle,
Thanks for your input. I'm grieving the loss. She doesn't need me for anything at this point. Slight support and praise mainly. I guess just knowing that I'm here helps her. I have God in my life, so I'll be fine. Jesus has never let me down. I just needed to cut the rope and cry bunches. I had extended it, but when she would come back I was still hoping the old relationship would continue. Still in the process, but I'll be ok. My needs will be taken care of. A past friend has been wanting to do things these past few days and there are opportunities and activities in my area for fellowship. I believe Jesus will help me let go completely. Thanks again.
Paula

Paula - posted on 03/21/2015

7

0

1

Sarah, thank you so much. Your words helped me to see I can release my motherhood as I have been holding onto it, by saying she does not need me like she did. Actually, she is so mature and put so well together, that my mother's heart grieves I am not needed much at all by her. She is very independent and flew the coop doing the right healthy choices the first chance she got and is doing a great job! So I need to work on me. I will be praying for Jesus to do this separation in my heart to let her go completely, but be there in a new way, a much smaller yet significant way, and help to recognize it's healthy new dimensions and embrace it. I will now start to put my energies into me and working on me, my life, but in Him and in His will. I have to include my Lord for He is my maker and designer and can help me figure out me the best and quickest. Thanks for you help!

Paula - posted on 03/21/2015

7

0

1

Thank you Michelle,
I need to let go more. When she is away I do, Well at least I think I do. Maybe not. When she comes home, my heart and selfishness wants it how it used to be. When it is not and her heart is not towards me the same way, I get hurt. I need to not think of it as less, but different, and ask God to help me discover the beautifulness of the new arrangement and accept what she is willing to give in our relationship now. I need to let go more and find my own life like you said. Your comment, you are no longer a single Mother, but your own person. This is helping me to detach. I am my own person and a mother when she needs one? So I am not a mother because she doesn't need one? cause she has left me, the house, and I just haven't realized it yet?

Paula - posted on 03/21/2015

7

0

1

Thank you! I am so glad I posted.
Cynthia, I know in my head that her independence is good and healthy, yes somewhat selfish, but yet good for her. In my heart I am purposing to not take it personally also. Thanks!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms