Dsughter

Nichola - posted on 10/05/2015 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Lost virginity at 14. I found out by stalking face book. How do I deal with this. She will go crazy when she knows I looked at messages which doesn't bother me. The problem is, in the last 2 years her father decided to be around and she thinks he's god on earth. My husband brought her up since 6 months and is the best dad. Every time there is a family argument she runs of to that waste of space. He lets her do what ever she wants and never does the right thing by telling her to come home and sort things out. I put her on the pill 2 months ago for heavy periods but she didn't like them so stopped. I know what I need to do and that's get her back on the pill. I haven't spoken to my husband because he is gonna hit the roof and no doubt make things worse. I can't condone my 14 year old having sex, I know she smoke and drinks cause I can smell it. She's very academic but I'm worried the next 6 months it's all gonna go down the drain. Please give some advice? Xx

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Raye - posted on 10/05/2015

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You need to talk to your daughter. She should not expect any of her communications on electronic devices to go unreviewed by her parents. She's 14, and needs someone watching out for her, because she doesn't know the dangers of internet, text, etc. I agree that you need to get her back on the pill, and let her know that it does NOT give her free reign to have sex, because she can still get sexually transmitted diseases and she should have more respect for herself and her body. Show her really graphic photos of what can happen as a result of these diseases ans let her know it can kill her or mess up her entire adult life... because it really could. If you can talk to the bio-dad, and let him know that he should talk to her also and discourage that behavior.

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Sarah - posted on 10/08/2015

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As I read through this post I don't have much to add except, you cannot force a 14 yo to take the pill. I dialog and building a trust will go much further than trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do. She simply should not have any fee time, none. I know there is a lot of negotiating that needs to occur between the families first.

Raye - posted on 10/08/2015

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Michelle, I wasn't offended. I just wanted to make my point that some bio-moms take offense at everything "that woman" (the SM) tries to do whether it's actually warranted or not. If the dad doesn't want to talk to the mom and there's something that she should really be aware of, then should the SM just sit back and do nothing to let the BM know what's going on with her own child? It's in the child's best interest for both households to be aware of issues. Of course, the SM is probably not aware of what the BM has already tried, because the daughter is not going to volunteer that bit of information. That's where communication between the parents comes in.

I understand, if the step-mom is nasty about it then that's a problem. And I also agree that, if the dad and step-mom are not enforcing rules in their home, that it would seem a slap in the face to have the SM imply "you need to handle this so we don't have to or because we're not going to." There should be basic rules enforced at both houses so one parent is not always the "bad guy" by dishing out discipline. And, I still feel that, if ALL the parents were communicating better, the daughter wouldn't be able to manipulate any against each other.

Sarah E, yes, she could do drug screening, but there's no way to tell if that is actually happening in the dad's house or that the dad and SM have knowledge of it happening.

Nichola, I understand you don't have money to fight it in court. But that might be the only option to limit her time at her father's and get her back on track. You might be able to find some Legal Aid to help you at reduced cost or pro bono. It will take effort on your part to find the resources to work this out. Counseling would probably help you both, too. It sounds like you're near giving up on your daughter, and that's not a good thing. First, you should realize you can't make her happy. She won't be happy with you butting in and controlling her, but she NEEDS some of that. She will realize you're not the enemy sometime in her 20's or 30's. That won't happen now. You have to be ok with having her mad at you if you really want to help her. I went through this with my mom as a teen, and we're good friends now. It's a hard thing, but it's that or let her keep going in a downward spiral until her life is a complete mess and she can't dig herself back out.

Michelle - posted on 10/07/2015

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I didn't mean to offend Raye, I was reading where the daughter is manipulating the Dad and Step Mother and if my boys step parent told me to talk with them I would be offended. How do they know what goes on in my house? From a teen that doesn't like the rules I have? That's not going to be accurate because they like to embellish the truth to get sympathy. Also in light of what else is going on at her Father's house I wouldn't be happy with the SM telling me what I need to do.
I have all respect for step parents, my husband is an awesome SD to my boys. He would never dream to contact my ex regarding the boys though, that's my job. If he had concerns we would discuss it between us and then I would contact my ex. That's all I meant with the comment.

Sarah - posted on 10/07/2015

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You can take her to her doctor and get proof. She can get screened for nicotine, alcohol metabolites and THC. There's your proof. Then file for support and custody, if she continues to use illegal substance while at her bio-dad then you need to address that in court. A judge has the power to hold your husband in contempt if his minor child is using in his home.

Nichola - posted on 10/07/2015

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I don't have proof that's the problem. Nor do I have the money to fight it. I would have to pay as they receive benefits. I just wish my girl could be happy and realize that I'm not the enemy, I know this day will come but sadly it might be to late by then. X

Raye - posted on 10/07/2015

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Nichola, I don't think letting her smoke, drink, and smoke weed is fine. I'm just saying that you can't make them responsible people, and you need to have better communication with the father.

What is your custody agreement? If you can PROVE neglect or them knowingly allowing underage drinking in court, maybe you can have his visitation revoked or reduced.

Nichola - posted on 10/07/2015

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So letting her smoke, drink and smoke weed is fine under there authority. Really I think my issues are clear and certainly not just with the step mom. There should be boundaries on both sides and communication from he bio father to me. I only ever have communication with the step mom never from him. There Botha waste of space and bringing my daughter down, ruining her life.

Raye - posted on 10/07/2015

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You can't force the dad and step-mom to uphold the same rules you have in your home. It's sad if they aren't as concerned about her activities, and yes, it makes it harder for you. But it's out of your control. All you can do is keep up your part of being a good parent. You say your husband is a good "dad" to your child although he is a step-father. So why must you hold animosity toward the step-mom for being a step-mom? True, she hasn't been in the child's life as long. But 3 years is not a one-night-stand. The step-mom IS a part of your child's life and you need to accept it and move on to the real issues. She has only as much authority over your daughter as the father gives her, so the issue you have should really be with him.

If you're upset that the father does not contribute financially, then take him to court for child support. Child support is a separate thing from parenting.

Nichola - posted on 10/07/2015

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I have spoke to my daughter and I do try to communicate with bio dad and step mom but they don't lay down rules. I do and this is where my daughter obviously feels her bread is best butters. Let's not forget that bio dad and step mom have only been part of her life for 3 years and make no financial contribution to my daughter so give me some credit if I am some what against step mom thinking she has any right in my daughters welfare. I have also strong regular contact with the school and keep them informed about what's going on. What more can I do!

Raye - posted on 10/07/2015

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Michelle, I was with you until the part about telling the step-mother to "butt out" and discussing "the involvement of step parents". I am a step-parent, and if my step-daughter was coming to me about something that I felt was up to her bio-mom to handle, then I would try to explain to the child that she is still a child, and her parents have the say-so in what she is or isn't allowed to do. If I texted the mother to inform her that something was going on and that she needed to address the issue with her daughter, I would hope she would take that as a sign that I AM backing off and letting her handle it. The OP says it was a nasty text, and if it was then that's not good. But maybe it was just a text that was informing her there was something to talk to her daughter about and maybe the OP took it as nasty because she's resentful that the daughter would seek the SM's help. It's hard to gauge tone or intent over written words, as the mood of the reader often times clouds the meaning of what they're reading (as some people on here should know).

That all being said, if the bio-mom did not seem to be getting through to the daughter (not throwing blame, just saying the daughter being defiant toward the mom), then (as a step-mom) I would talk to the child's father about the situation and see how he wants it handled. If he thinks it would help for me to speak to the daughter also, then hell yes I will speak to her and try to get through to her that her behavior is not appropriate. And the real mom should not get her panties all in a bunch, because we all should want what's best for the CHILD. Sometimes the daughter may need another female's opinion. And if I was the bio-mom, I would want her to talk to another adult rather than going to her friends to get info (often wrong info) about sex or whatever.

Some parents (bio and step) just need to be responsible parents. That means invading your child's privacy, watching out for them in situations where they don't have the right mindset or knowledge to make the right decision for themselves, and enforcing consequences for inappropriate behavior. All the parents (bio and step) should be as close to the same page with this stuff, and willing to be adults and talk to each other about whatever needs talked about. But as far as being a step-mom, I really only have to be on the same page as my husband, and if the bio-mom doesn't like it, then she can butt out. She has no say in what goes on at my house, and I have no say in what goes on at her house.

As long as the bio-mom and the bio-dad are communicating, then that's the best thing. And if the step parent is communicating with their partner, then that's good, too. If that's happening, then the child shouldn't be able to manipulate any of the parents against each other.

Michelle - posted on 10/06/2015

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You are her parent and you need to let her know that until she is 18 you are responsible for her. I have access to my children's social media and emails and they don't have a problem with it. It was 1 of the conditions of them getting in the first place though.
In regards to the Step Mother sending you messages, she needs to butt out of it! The more she "backs up" your daughter the more your daughter will play the 2 of you off against each other. I think all the adults need to sit down and discuss the involvement of step parents and what is expected of the teen.

Nichola - posted on 10/06/2015

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She's strong willed and feel she is having her space invaded . I've also kept a close on social media hence how I've come across this information. I've tried speaking with her since she was 5 I have been very outspoken out sensitive issues but she always responded positively . She iratic and thinks I'm on her case all the time I sit her down to have adult conversation ask her to express he sell and offed anything I can do to help. Then she'll go and speak to her step mom who she's know for to years then I get nasty text off text mom telling me to talk to her. My daughter is manipulating everyone only I've had enough she want to be a grown up the I'll let here see howl long shel last.

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