Dysfunctional Dictatorship

Mr - posted on 08/10/2015 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Hello I am Mr Mom. I have four boys 11 year old stepson that lives with my wife and I, 7 year old twins of mine that visit on the weekends, and are 3 year old that lives with us. I am the stay at home dad trying to get disability. I respect that she works hard and makes all the money. She leaves at 6 am and comes home at 6 pm and goes to bed at 9 pm. That is three hours a day that my 11 year old stepson has his mother. She has made it very clear to him that he does not have to listen to me, not have to do any chores, and not eat the food I make and eat junk food with the $50 a month allowance that she gives him. Its summer time and I would love for him to get out of the house and play with other kids and play a sport or join a club but he just sits there watching other people play video games with the words fuck and shit being every other word. With him not having to listen to me and with her not being around I feel he just does not have a parent to teach him to be an adult. She says I am the stay at home one and have the time so I should do all the cleaning. Yes I have the time but its not the point. I see my future with this kid never leaving home or knowing how to doing anything for himself. The scariest thing is my sons look up to him and like to copy what he the big brother does. My sons help clean and do as I say but the oldest is telling the twins that he does not have to do as I say and that I feel like they are next. My three year old is now saying the words fuck and shit. My wife and I have talked about all of this but its like talking to a brick wall. She even prides herself by saying "I never listen to you" and I mean this literally. I love my wife and will never leave her but this shit is fucked!!!

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/11/2015

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Counseling. If she refuses, you take the twins, and the 3 YO, and move to a shelter, file for divorce and custody.

She's using you. She's not a wife, she's not a partner, she's an abusive, controlling individual who thinks she's got you where she wants you...but YOU are an independent individual who is fully able to make their own decisions.

My hubs is disabled and the 'stay home' parent. Our kids are grown, or mostly so, so the dynamic is different, but even when we switched roles, we've always been a partnership. No ONE person is 'in charge' of anything: Housework, kids, shopping, cooking, everything...is still very 50/50, because we both work to make it so. She's not fulfilling HER side of the partnership, and you have every right to request that she meet you in the middle, or get yourself out of that situation if she won't.

As far as the 11 YO, if she won't back up your parental authority, she can take the kid to work with her on a daily basis. She can let him run amok, stuff his face with crap, and deal with him on her own, if she won't meet you in the middle.

Lisa - posted on 08/10/2015

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It sounds like the two of you need counseling. Something is not working here and I am not sure you really want it to continue as is. As the parent "at home" with the child, you need to have full authority. This may not come all at once, but since he knows how his mom feels, he is going to act out. Even a babysitter would have more authority than you seem to have.

Do you think if you force the issue she will respond? Does she know that it is an impossible situation for you? If you cannot share your concerns and feelings with her than you really are in an abusive relationship. If you think it might help, call this number 1-800-A-Family, the counselors at Focus on the Family will be able to give you suggestions on how to proceed.

Dove - posted on 08/10/2015

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She can't just kick you out... it's your home too. She is emotionally manipulating you... you are in an abusive relationship if that is the case and there ARE resources available to help you. Seek some counseling w/ someone who works with families.

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Mr - posted on 08/12/2015

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I actually tried to leave with my three year old but there is no shelters that let a single GUY with children to stay there. All the ones that let children are for women and there children.

Lisa - posted on 08/11/2015

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I am glad you are going to bring it up. Something has to change friend. Continuing on like this is going to drive you crazy and is not good for her son. A sense that he can disregard authority and a sense of entitlement. I hope your conversation goes well.

Mr - posted on 08/10/2015

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No we are not in counseling or have done counseling. I asked about it before and it was shot down. I will bring it up again.

Sarah - posted on 08/10/2015

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Also, she can't kick you out. You live there. In order to force you out (even if she pays the rent, owns the home, whatever) she'd have to evict you.

Sarah - posted on 08/10/2015

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Then the two of you need to seek some help to negotiate this issue. You are not happy and your 11 yo is going to be a monster. If you are parenting 12 hours a day, then he follows the same rules as the other kids. Day camp? Sleep away camp?

Mr - posted on 08/10/2015

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I think if I did that shit would hit the fan and she would tell me that I need to find some some where ells to stay and so I would be homeless until I get my disability. I also could not live with out my youngest son.

Dove - posted on 08/10/2015

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Oh... and he can buy any junk food that he wants w/ his money, but as soon as it comes into the house... you take possession of it.

Dove - posted on 08/10/2015

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If you are the stay at home parent YOU get to parent him... otherwise she can find alternate arrangements for him to go to during the day. I would flat out tell him that he will listen to you as he is home alone w/ you for 12 hours/day and if he doesn't listen you will remove every single privilege that he has while his mother is not home... He can stay in his room (stripped of everything except clothes, books, and his bed) and only come out to eat (which he will make his own food when you approve) and use the bathroom.

If his mother doesn't like that... then she can figure out another place for her son to be during the day.

Sarah - posted on 08/10/2015

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Your relationship is beyond dysfunctional. I wish I had a great suggestion. Perhaps since your wife does not want you to be in charge of her son then she should drop him at daycare on her way to work and pick him up on the way home. Seriously, if you had a sitter, you'd expect your children to all follow the rules and the sitter to be in charge when you were gone. Step up and put your foot down.

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