Effectively moving my 20yrs. old son out...

Allison - posted on 08/13/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I need to give my son the boot but fear sending him out into the world an angry, lost young man.

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Raye - posted on 08/14/2015

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I usually advocate to have a rental agreement for any adult child still living at home. That way, it spells out what the child must do to continue living at the house, and gives a basis for kicking their ass out if they don't follow the agreed-upon rules. However, since your husband has moved out due to your son's behavior, it seems you're past that point. So, you need to do the right thing by both your son and your husband.

Your son needs to know he can't treat people the way he has, especially family that was only trying to help him. He needs to learn what it means to be an adult, and it may be a hard lesson. But what doesn't kill him makes him stronger. Give him a deadline, and when that time comes, cut the apron strings. You're really not doing him any favors by "protecting" him. He has to learn sometime, and now seems to be the time.

You and your husband are supposed to be partners, facing the world together. If you have allowed him to be the outcast and not wanted in his own home, then what does that say? Where's the unity that is supposed to be in a marriage? Maybe he was unwilling to compromise, I don't know, but how much did you really try to compromise for him? Your grown son is still there, and your husband is not, so that pretty much says that something went terribly wrong.

You know what the right thing to do is, so all you have to do is follow through. if you and your family could get into counseling, that might help you sort out your feelings and get to the point where you can let go of the guilt over your son.

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MaryAnn - posted on 08/13/2015

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My advice is to build a structured "out" with him. Does he have a job? Give him some info on the nearest employment centre. Do you pay any bills for him? Give him a date you're going to stop. Do you do his laundry? Give him a specified time the washer/dryer will be available to him.
Pick a date together where it will be reasonable for him to save first and last and maybe a little safety net. If you're at all concerned about his ability to take care of himself, set up some routines he can take along with him in the mean time.
Hes 20 years old and he is completely capable of doing this. Once you set those boundaries, though, do not slip back.

Allison - posted on 08/13/2015

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Yes, he's 20 yrs. I fear the path he will choose. He has mental disorders (mild tourettes and possibly ODD) and views things different than most. This is partly the reason he's getting the boot...he hasn't figured out how to be respectful or tolerant of others (mainly his stepdad and I). He is squatting and figures he'll move when he and his friends find a place, in the mean time his step dad has moved out of the house and does not plan to return until my son goes. It's a mess! I feel partly responsible for the monster my son has become...coddling him as a child (and still do to some degree) but my fear of his well being has paralyzed my ability to make good sound judgement! How do parents deal with this type of situation...I constantly hear on the news about young kids doing terrible things and I worry for my son and the path he will choose. I raised my children to have good values, not to lie, be respectful and believe in God. I wonder what happened??? I am trying to get him out the door in a loving, peaceful way...being a hopeful mom.

Raye - posted on 08/13/2015

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He's an adult. You are within your rights to ask him to move out. He will learn what it takes to make it out on his own.

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