elderly mothers

Jenny - posted on 12/18/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have a hard time understanding my elderly mother. I view her as selfish and need to vent

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Jodi - posted on 12/19/2013

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Why do you feel entitled to her money? Inheritance or no inheritance, it is her money, not yours. Your feeling of entitlement about that bothers me. You have no right to be upset if she chooses not to share it with you and you have no right to expect that she should.

You talk about "all I know is that if one of my hard working, drug and drinking free children needed help and I had the means, I wouldn't even hesitate." Have you ever actually sat her down and ASKED if you could borrow some money for your surgery? (and yes, I used the term borrow because it is her money not yours). Asked nicely, as opposed to dropping hints at her?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/19/2013

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Well, you could look at it as she's selfish. Yes, you could. But, lets look at this:

Yes, you'd help your kids in any way possible, but that is you, and not your mother. Two different personalities, two different outcomes.

Unless the inheritance specified that she had to divvy it up with you, she's within her rights to keep it all. Would it be nice if she'd kick some your way? Yes, but should you expect it? No.

You need to remember that "necessary" vs "unnecessary" is in the eye of the beholder. To you, the items were not necessary, and it was a waste of your time to be shopping for them. For her, they were apparently necessary, or she wouldn't have asked you to take her out. For example, I don't always think that my MIL needs more fabric for projects, but then I have to remember that I don't know everything that she's got going on, so I take her for more fabric.

I'm sorry that you feel that you haven't enough to make an adequate christmas for your kids. That is tough, and very stressful. Have you ASKED for her assistance in that regard? Even though she "knows" that you're strapped for cash, that doesn't guarantee that she'll step in. After all, she's probably figured you're grown, so you have the means to figure it out and make it happen.

Again, with the surgery need. I understand, you feel that she may owe you something for "everything you've done" over the years. But, you need to check into the surgery as a worker's comp expense, because it is a repetitive motion injury, generally incurred in the lines of work. I know, I've had it done. And again, did you ask for her assistance in this expense?

I don't mean to be rude, I really don't. But I see a lot of adult children, in their 40's somehow thinking that, even though their parents raised them and they're adults with kids of their own now, for some reason their parents still "owe" them something. I, myself, am proud that while I'm not affluent by any means, I've been able to pay my own way. My family has taken care of their own, and I very rarely needed to ask assistance from my family.

My mother doesn't automatically "share" everything with me, either. Recently there was an inheritance of over $200K (her share). She, her sister, and the grandkids (7 of us) were given a portion of our grandparents' land. Well, the sisters got the lion's share. At the time, my share went entirely for medical expenses that had been building up for a couple of years. My mother knew we could have used more, but didn't offer. And I didn't ask.

My dad's the same. 6 months ago, his inheritance from his folks came through. He's "shared" none of it. And, he doesn't have to. Nor do I expect it.

I guess I'd have to say that, if her spending bothers you, don't take her shopping any more. If you feel that she's treated you poorly, try to talk to her about it, but don't expect much. If it's her personality to not "share"...she's likely to turn everything back around and make you out to be a greedy little bitch.

I know, I've got issues with my mom too, but I've learned not to expect much. It makes it easier in the long run.

Jenny - posted on 12/19/2013

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We grew up poor....she now has 2 inheritances that she brags about but doesn't help her adult children out. Last night I took her shopping for several hours to get unnecessary items because she is a hoarder. And knowing that I haven't scraped enough money for Christmas presrnts, she proceeds to pull out a strap of $1000 in cash to pay......I lost it right there in the store. We can live without presents, but I need surgery on my wrist for carpal tunnel at age 40 since I started working so young and she could help with that but acts like it isn't happening.....all I know is that if one of my hard working, drug and drinking free children needed help and I had the means, I wouldn't even hesitate.

Jodi - posted on 12/19/2013

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Vent away. However, it has nothing to do with being elderly. My MIL is elderly (80) and she is the most caring, good natured person anyone could imagine.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/19/2013

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How so? .

The way I view it is that my mother took care of me exclusively for the first few years of my life, and was still the "primary" caregiver when I left home. For 18 years. I owe her, at the very least, my patience and care as she ages and approaches the end of her life.

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