Embarrassing question about men and porn...

[deleted account] ( 20 moms have responded )

Even after talking to my man about how that stuff makes me feel like crap (short version), I still find him looking at and going on these sites... Am I alone here? I feel so embarrassed to even be asking but I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with it? Am I over-reacting? I really don't want my son in a few years getting on the computer and seeing that stuff either though!

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Carolee - posted on 02/11/2010

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Men look at porn. It's just something that they do. I've not met a man yet who does not. The question is, why are you so against it? Why are women in general so against it? As long as he's having sex with you, why does it matter? Try watching it with him sometime... those can be very fun nights.

Alicia - posted on 02/11/2010

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I feel the same way. Ironically, I used to love porn, and didn't care if the guys I dated watched it- I expected it. I went to a Christian college and the teacher asked if, being honest, which guys in the class had (or have had) an issue with porn, and every single one (over 30) rose their hands. I was slightly offended that he didn't include women (sexist), but that's a whole other issue. Anyway, I figured every single guy watched it, whether their women knew about it or not, so I should just get used to the idea. However, after I got pregnant, I started seeing it differently. At first, it was nice for him to have that if I was too tired, blah blah, and it's probably the hormones that made me look at it differently in the first place, but I started getting angry about it. There's some hoe on the screen that my man is watching and enjoying, and it's not me. I realized that, at least with me, even when I watched porn, it sure as heck wasn't for the men! They're typically disgusting looking. It's all about the girl, and no matter how much he says he's thinking about me while watching the girl on the screen, it can't be true, because she's right in front of his face. I feel now like it's basically the same as cheating. If my boyfriend jerked off to some other girl I knew, we'd be through. Just because we DON'T know this girl on the screen doesn't mean she isn't real (altho my boyfriend likes to joke that they're not real ppl). Sorry, I'm ranting, it just really pisses me off now, I hate those girls with a passion ... ahh!

Alicia - posted on 06/13/2011

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No you aren't alone here. I am having the same problem and have for a few years now. If it really bothers you that much, then talk to him about it. If he is hiding it, then he has a problem. He needs to have more respect for you. Hiding it just makes the problem worse. I know it has caused my marriage to take a turn for the worse. My husband was even going on the dating sites and signing up and using that as an excuse for not being able to go on the porn sites. You can't make a man stop, but you don't have to take his disrespectful ways either. It doesn't hurt him, because he is the one doing it. It does hurt and I personally find that it is degrading to spouse's when one does it and doesn't regard the others feelings. I would suggest going to marriage counseling, but I can't even get my husband to go. It can be addictive. My husband is addicted and it is breaking our marriage apart. He has used lie after lie to get out of getting confronted about it. Don't let your man fool you about any of it. Most men who do it, say that they are just doing it because they are bored or needed to get their jollies off while you were sleeping, but it is all bull. This topic of men watching porn is so taboo and our society has made it okay and alot of people just brush it under the rug, but really alot of people are struggling in their marriages, because of porn. Now I am not saying no one should watch it. To each their own, but in my opinion when two people become married then they should keep their eyes to themselves and respect themselves by not watching porn especially if their spouse doesn't like it or it makes them feel inadequate or disrespected. Only you can decide how much you are willing to take, before you have had enough.

Cassie - posted on 02/11/2010

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Do not be embarassed! I'm not gonna tell you whether or not you should think porn is bad, and i'm not gonna tell you what i think about it cuz whats right for one person is not necessarily rite for oters. Whi will tell you is not to be embarassed about asking a questions like that. I can guarante you that tons of womn are aking themselves the same exact question! You should be proud of yorself for asking when others were too scared to! circle of moms is for support! any kind of support or help you need! so dont feel bad k? i jut wanted you to know that :)

Janet - posted on 02/09/2010

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No I do not think you are over reacting. It may be you he is coming to but who is he seeing and thinking about while he is with you would be my question. There is a reason why he is looking at this garbage and he really needs to figure this out. In the meantime, try to explain to him how it degrades women. Plus, is this a message he wants to send to his son that it is okay to degrade them.

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Leanne - posted on 02/11/2010

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I think porn is disgusting, and if your in a serious relationship you shouldn't be watching it (unless it is an activity both partners can do together or are both alright with it).

Your not over-reacting. My boyfriend watching porn makes me feel very bad about my own body figure, it makes me cry and like he doesn't love me. I haven't caught him watching it lately, but that doesn't mean he's stopped.

You need to talk to him about it and ask "what's more important, your porn addiction or me?" It may be a tough question.. but the answer should be clear! And if he hesitates about it or even says porn is, then you have a problem.

Although, your boy may be doing this because he likes how different it is.. Why not try to spice things up in your bedroom? There are tons of adult games you can buy.. You could even bring him to a sex shop and let him pick something out.. Don't make him feel bad if his choice is a little weird, give it a shot and who knows.. You may think it's fun!
Or you can surprise him by getting a babysitter for the kids, making a nice dinner (Google what foods are aphrodisiacs) and buy a new bra and panty set (or some lacy garment). Try having sex in different areas of your house, like the shower.. The table or even the couch. Also, Googling some new sex positions may work great. This could help him curb his desires!
Also, a fun thing to do might be to buy a sex book and once a week (or everyday! whenever you get the chance) try a new position. It will give you something both to look forward to.

[deleted account]

I do not subscribe to the "boys will be boys" mentality. I realize that a lot of people feel that way, but I think that just give them free license. It sounds like you have talked to your husband about this and he is putting this desire above your feelings. You are entitled to your feelings and if this bothers you, then I would suggest marriage counseling.

Jennifer - posted on 02/11/2010

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Porn is addictive. Porn, in certain individuals, can lead to other, very serious sexual deviations. It can also desensitize a person's ability to become sexually aroused by "real" people in "real" situations (i.e. marriage). It's true, just like with any other potentially addictive behavior that many people will not experience addiction, however others will become esentially "pornaholics". From my personal experiences, I hate the porn industry, I find it completely disgusting, degrading & wrong. If your husband's porn fetish is borderline/full-blown addiction, it should be treated that way. If its not that serious, you need to research the true negative potential porn may have in your child's life and bring that, as well as your feelings, to your husband's attention. If its not an addiction, he should be able to refrain from it if he really understands how meaningful it is to you and your family.

Kathy - posted on 02/11/2010

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I think that if this issue bothers you than he should respect your feelings. That is the foundation of marriage-trust and understanding of each others' feelings. It would be sad if porn is the crack in your marriage that damages things long term. There may need to be comprimise on both of your parts but there is no reason why you both can't reach an agreement where you are comfortable with any-if-all porn veiwing. Good luck

Gwendolyn - posted on 02/11/2010

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The unfortunate psychological side effect of porn is it feeds an appetite that becomes increasingly difficult to satisfy over the years. A deeper look into the why he is doing it and why does it offend you could provide you both the peace of mind you need. Personally, I would not be comfortable with material like that around the house by computer or hidden magazines especially since we have young children in the home. I do not feel insecure about my body or our marriage. I do think that material tends to objectify the people depicted and can potentially degrade what God gave us as a wonderful gift. Note I said the people because in case you may have forgotten.. there is plenty of material just for the ladies to look at too. If you BOTH do not enjoy it..maybe there is something the two of you can figure out that can work for BOTH of you. Your feelings are equally valuable as his and should be respected in your joint decision. This is more than men will be men issue.

Sheree - posted on 02/11/2010

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I personally dont think porn is that bad. They know they can't have it and that's the attraction, (thats what i think anyway) But as my hubby knows that i really dont mind if he is watching or looking at porn, i find he doesnt do it that much. When he does im always involved. We watch movies together, and if he purchases a new one, we have often gone together to pick one. I have told my hubby i dont mind if he watches it but would prefer if he did it with me. I dont find it offensive at all or degrading. I know my husband loves me and only me and I know he would stray.

I also agree with Sara, try not to use the computer and have the dvd's hidden.

Sara - posted on 02/11/2010

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Everybody feels diferently about porn but I wouldn't take it the wrong way. My husband and I watch it together and find it makes us hornier (sorry lol) this doesn't mean I dont love him or fancy him, far from it actually. I think he is the sexiest man I have ever met but we all have fantasies! There have been times where I have thought of someone else and Im pretty sure he has done the same thing, I don't get offended knowing this as I say we all have fantasies! This doesn't mean we don't love each other because we are very much in love. I know not all women enjoy porn but there are different types of porn out there (for example my husband and I prefer lesbian porn). It is not an embarrasing subject, unless your speaking to your parents about it lol.

As for you son ask your husband that if you let him buy a couple of dvd's can he not go on the internet for it? We never look at porn on our laptop but we do have several dvd's stored away in our bedroom ;-)



Please don't be too offended by his desires, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or think your attractive he just has a healthy appatite lol.

Brenda - posted on 02/11/2010

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For some strange reason men think that if they've seen one women they have to see them all. I know its weird but true.
Its a testosterone issue "a man thing" I completely understand how you feel about it.
I had to have an agreement with my hubby that he would only look at porn when we would do it together. I still don't enjoy it but it keeps our communication open about sexual stuff. Now keep in mind that sexual stuff is not the same as intimacy.
Porn is just sex, mechanical, unemotional and no commitment, to him a real turn on. Intimacy is making love, committed, emotional and sharing with that someone special.
Most men want their wives to be a bit "nasty" in the bed room, a little "freaky" with them and only them. As long as the porn does not become the focus of your intimate relationship sometimes it can be an interesting tool to use to learn new things to keep the excitement in your sexual relationship.
Now I don't look like those women on the porn sights and sometimes I feel like I don't measure up compared to them but I have something they don't. A real body, a real heart and real love for my man. They are paid to have sex and to try to make it look good, mostly it's a lot of starting, stopping and overkill at the climactic end. It can actually be funny if you look at how fake most of it is.
Sex sells and Porn is a billion dollar industry and unfortunately most men like to look at it and fantasize about it that's why its a billion dollar industry.
I choose to see it as a defect in our mens's brains....LOL but who am I to say for real why they do what they do?
All I can say is that sometimes if you share in his desire to see porn then you can have some input on what is seen and how often it is seen.
I hope this helps you a little Candi.
Good luck to you girl.

Lisa - posted on 02/10/2010

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My wonderful man has been looking at porn since he was 13. I bothered me several years ago when our computer literally stopped working due to the overload of viruses and spyware that was attached. We now have 2 laptops that I put a cyberfence up on to prevent the porn usage. My hubby was upset about it at first but agreed that it was the best option to protect our computer.
I also found, by complete accident, that he had a small stash of porn in the garage. I just told him to hide it better next time. LOL.
I have to say that I used to have a problem but really don't care anymore, he loves me not the chicks on the porn.

Amber - posted on 02/09/2010

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Porn can be a touchy subject in relationships. If you are truly uncomfortable with it, and you let your husband know, he should be respecting your desires. If he feels really strongly about the subject he may not settle for simply not watching it, and that can be a problem. Is there any way you can come to an agreement about how much he watches and when?

It's extremely common to feel inadequate in this circumstance. Pornography has a nasty habit of portraying women in a way that is not only degrading, but also extremely unrealistic. With all the other stuff women are shown these days it's no wonder you're having these feelings! I just want you to know that, even though he's watching this stuff, it's likely that he hardly even notices the women. Most men that I've known watch porn for the sex, not for the women.

As for your son, try not to worry about it. If he doesn't see it at your place, he'll probably see it at a friends. It might be a good idea to give him a good, thorough sex talk when he's of the appropriate age and be sure he knows that what he's seeing is completely fake. I think a lot of the problems these days come from unrealistic expectations. If you don't teach him what's normal and what's not, he'll learn it somewhere else, and there's no guarantee that will be a good thing.

[deleted account]

The beauty of it is that I dont *know* that he has it - I just assume that being a guy he has some kind of access to it but he respects me enough to pretend it doesnt exist in his world. I actually have no idea whatsoever as to whether he bothers with porn or not. Mostly I dont need to think about it because there is never any evidence that he has any (and I have had my insecure moments where I have searched in the past).



Men are just visual when it comes to stimulation. Women (as a stereotype) tend to favour "romance novels" and their imagination - different format same thing.



People think it is alright (nobody "makes" them) because there is no natural reason for it to be wrong - it is just moral tenets or insecurities that we have take on personally that make it feel disrespectful.



It isnt the porn that is disrespectful, it is the fact that he still blatantly has it when he knows how you feel about it. Let him know how you feel about his disregard for your feelings.

Me? I would be on his computer while he was at work and deleting every last vestige of porn from the thing. I would also check his disks and cut up any that contain porn (actually a few of our housemates have lost their porn over the years because hubby had burnt it to disk for them and left it on his desk lol) - but in our relationship that is how it works and I gave him fair warning that I was going to do it. It took a couple of years for the message to get through but it hasnt been an issue for years now.

Jessie - posted on 02/09/2010

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Hey Lydia! Wow, I don't know that I could be ok with it knowing it was hidden. You are alot stronger than I am. I still think that a man could stop looking at porn out of respect for their women. I truly find it disrespectful. I know men fantasize and that is fine b/c that is human nature but why do they need to look at porn, and why do people make them think it's allright? I hear all the time that well they are just going to do it, and men are men. Sorry just really don't like porn at ALL.

[deleted account]

I dont like *knowing* my fiance looks at porn because it makes me feel inadequate. Im not niave enough to believe he doesnt look at it but we have an agreement - if I find it it gets destroyed. We also dont have sex for a while (not a vindictive move just a result of feeling inadequate) which is added incentive for him to make sure it is well hidden. Try making a deal with him about his use of porn rather than asking him to give up something that he isnt willing to?

Jessie - posted on 02/09/2010

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How you feel about it is how you feel about it and he needs to respect that. It is disgusting to look at that stuff and as Sharon says comes with viruses and crap attached to them. My husband doesn't look at it, and I would be upset if he did. I really understand you worrying about your son and that really is a tough one. As far as Sharon's comment about her husband coming to her at night and stuff, I would have a hard time with it still b/c how do you know they are thinking about you just b/c they are coming to you?? (Not saying that your husband isn't Sharon, just what I would have a hard time with) Porn can be a huge addiction as well and can cause many problems in a marriage and family, and can start costing a lot of money. If I were you I would talk to him about it some more and try to get him to understnad your point of view, then if he seems like he understands and can't stop you might want to see if maybe he has a problem. Not saying that he does but you never know, it might be something that is hard for him to control even if he really wants to.

Sharon - posted on 02/09/2010

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I don't care if my husband looks at porn. Its me he comes to every night and at 3 am and lunch time.



The problem I have with online porn is the stupid viruses, spyware attached to them.

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