everytime the father of my child comes over to see our son he tries to get into my pants what should i do?

Brittany - posted on 08/29/2012 ( 68 moms have responded )

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The father is 17 and im 16, our son was born on august 2nd 2012 and everytime he comes over to see our son he tries to get into my pants, i love him alot still but i dont know what to do. we were dateing for a year and a half before his mother made us break up because of the pregnancy. I have to basically make him come over and visit with the guilt trip saying he never see's his son and im tired of being a single mother

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Jodi - posted on 08/30/2012

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And Stephanie, just for the record, in many places, 16 is the legal age of consent. This is a worldwide site.

Nanditta - posted on 08/29/2012

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I agree,don't have sex with a guy who is old enough to get you pregnant but can't fulfil the obligations of a partner and father.

Jodi - posted on 08/30/2012

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**MOD WARNING**



This is not a discussion about teenage mothers, welfare and statistics. This is a genuine request for advice. Please stick to the topic and stop putting the OP down for having a child at a young age. Let's please have some respect.



And yes, mothers of all ages are welcome here.



Jodi

WtCoM Moderator

Jane - posted on 08/30/2012

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You need to remain strong and let him know what you need and if you feel that sex is not one of those things make it known to him. If all he comes around for is sex and your needs outway this need from him, either give him his marching orders or make a decision that is not going to compromise your feelings for him. Does he tell you he loves you only when he wants sex... unfortunately this is not love sweetheart. A lot of young men believe and men in general, believe that if they tell you that they love you, what a woman wants to hear, it gives them the permission to ask and demand sex. I understand you are young and maturity will come with time but at the moment your child is your main priority along with you owning your own self worth. Don't let anyone put you down or make you fell anything less than you are willing to accept. Hold your head high and all the very best with your new life.

Gwen - posted on 08/30/2012

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Don't let him take that baby ANYWHERE until there is a court ordered visitation schedule in place. You need to contact the local child support agency to request a paternity test and get the ball rolling on your child support order. Then, you need to contact a lawyer or legal aid and file in court to establish a custody/visitation agreement.



Like several other posters have already said, you can not force him or guilt him into being a father. He either wants it or he doesnt. If he wants to have a relationship with his child, let him make it happen. That is not your job.

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Adriane - posted on 08/30/2012

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I don't think I'd be so quick to dismiss the father of your baby as some are suggesting. It isn't easy, and he may be having a hard time too. We don't know his perspective or what is going on with his family or in his life. Don't give him an excuse to not be a part of his son's life because you "let him off the hook" or decided you could get along without him. Make it clear to him and his family that they are wanted. Fatherhood and grandparenthood don't go away. They are forever. Maybe you could call and arrange to take the baby over to visit or invite them over to visit sometime? Do what you can to encourage them to get to know the baby and be a part of his life. If they don't, at least you will know you did what you could to encourage them and that the door is open for them if they change their mind. That baby is worth the effort.

Jodi - posted on 08/30/2012

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I am locking this thread until CoM Management can review it.



Thank you

Jodi

WtCoM Moderator

Debra - posted on 08/30/2012

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sorry this is happening to you. And I know this isn't the best answer, but this guy is 17 and full of hormones and of course he wants to get into your pants. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand that you just had a baby and pushed this child out of you. You are probably sore and should be taking it easy for the next few weeks. Unfortunately, unless he gets a clue and starts respecting you and growing up, he will just want to use you for sex. And when you say no, he will move on to the next girl and get her pregnant. It is a sad reality for you, but you just grew up into an adulthood and as a woman are now saddled with a child you must provide for the rest of your life. You are a single mother and you will continue to be a single mother unless you start standing up for yourself and your child. This starts by saying NO to sex. Sex= babies unless you get your tubes tied or you get a IUD. It is the hardest part about being a mother and a woman. We must take care of the children that come from a sexual union. You have learned your lesson the hard way. Start sticking up for yourself. Start respecting yourself and start demanding that this boy starts acting like a man and takes care of his child. This means support payments or legal action on your part. Your biggest responsibility is now to your son. You and ONLY you are going to be the one to teach him to how to grow up and respect women. You will be teaching your son how to be a man and not do what his baby daddy did. Hopefully your BF will turn into a father for your son. I hope he realizes the responsibility that you have created together. Until that time, stay strong and I hope you have lots of loving, responsible people to help you through this difficult time. And you also need to have a serious talk with your mother in law. Because no matter what, she is your child's grandmother. And she can like it or not, but you two have grown up quickly and created a life together. That child, that life must be respected and not ignored. Your relationship, however it has come to pass will always be there. And she needs to understand that her little boy needs to take care of his little boy now. Until you both turn into adults though (legally), you will still need to respect your parents. But as parents yourselves, you will need to work with your families to do what is best by this little boy. I hope you can sort everything else out. P.S. as a teen you are HIGHLY fertile. You are also more fertile after you give birth. SO PLEASE unless you WANT to have another child quickly, do practice abstinence or use birth control.

Tina - posted on 08/30/2012

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I would suggest meeting in a public place for visits with child's Dad. Ask around in your areas about mothers groups get involved with other mums. I know it can be hard being a single mum but getting to know other mums in your area may be good. You may meet friends and wont feel so isolated and don't be afraid to ask people for help.



I know it's hard being a single mum but unless your babies dad shows some initiative and decides to be more involved with you child and be a partner I would not allow him in your home. That leave you vulnerable to him if he's putting the pressure on.



Another idea would be to have another family member or friends present when he visits and don't be alone with him.

DRUSILLAH - posted on 08/30/2012

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Hi Brittany,i couldnt say more than the good adivises you already got.But remember one thing-nothing can replace the fact that your son,s happiness will be your happiness.Nobody has a right over your body except yourself.Never let him force you to doing something you aren't ready for.He doesn't seem to care about you and your son coz if he did,he coudn't be forcing his way much too early after the birth of your son and you couldn't be forcing him to visit tha baby.Dear,your son is more important than him,do what is best for him and his future.

Stephanie - posted on 08/30/2012

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FYI, the kids I work with I love with all my heart, and are some of the smartest amazing human beings I have ever met. I have truelly never met a bad child in all my yearsI have practiced. We have refinanced our home countless times to Give these kids a chance, and make them know how amazing they are. I have been there to pick up the pieces when their so called parents have destroyed their lives. I have held their hands when they dont understand why they cant be with their mom anymore, and be placed into a foster home who is probably worse than the parent. Every child deserves the best life possible. Money doesn't buy that happiness, but a strong support system does. I could of never did it on my own with six kids! I can't stress enough to women to value themselves more. A man never will value you! Only you will, and your opinion is the only one that should matter. We all make mistakes everyday, but some mistakes turn into a spirally down slope. Some of the best people turn into the most evil people because of circumstances. I worry since you are concerned over him sleeping with you your focus is distorted. That should not be a concern. Again, who cares! That beautiful baby you created should consume you.

Adriane - posted on 08/30/2012

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When you have a baby, priorities change. It sounds like he needs to grow up a bit. Whether or not you end up together as a married couple down the road, he is going to be the father of your child forever. Your baby deserves 2 loving parents that can cooperate together, respect each other, and participate in his life. If I were in your shoes, I'd focus on building mutual respect and being good parents together. And even building good ties between the grandparents. Do the father's parents ever see the baby? Have they bonded with him? This is your baby's extended family. You want their support, especially if the baby's father is having a hard time dealing with being a new father. Finish school, let the father grow up a bit, spend some family time together, but I wouldn't rush back into a sexual relationship. If he loves you, he can wait. In fact, I'd wait til you had a wedding ring and a commitment and only accept it from someone who you trust, who thinks you're worth waiting for, who loves and respects you, and who will be a good father to your child and any future children you might have. If that person turns out to be the father of your baby, great. But don't sell yourself short or let the father sell himself short by making these visits about sex instead of about your baby and the 3 of you as a family.

Brittany - posted on 08/30/2012

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thank you everyone who isnt hateing on me for posting this, it really helps getting other peoples advice :)

Dove - posted on 08/30/2012

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Um.... my cousin had a baby at 15. Went on to be a VERY successful woman... Didn't have her second child til 22ish... has a great career, etc... Yeah, her mom practically raised her son for the first 3 or so years, so she could finish high school and stuff, but she's been self sufficient ever since ('baby' is now in his 20's).



Yes, statistics show a lot of crappy stuff, but that does NOT mean it's 100% going to be that way... and berating a young mother while she's trying to get help on a mom board is just disgraceful.



Personally, I'd rather continue posting with someone like Brittany over someone like Stephanie.... And no, I'm not sticking up for Brittany because I'm a young mom. I was married and 25 when my first was born. ;)

Jessy - posted on 08/30/2012

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I don't ever post anything nor do I use this site. I just happened to come across this post on my emails and while reading some of the replies The one that Stephanie posted just angered the hell out of me so much I had to reply. I had my son when I was 17 years old, I worked my butt off to take care of my child, I provided a roof over our heads and always made sure there was food on the table and we were never on welfare like you say all teen mothers are doomed to be on! My son always had everything he needed and none of it came from your precious tax dollars! Yes i was young and immature and I had struggles with his father who refused to grow up as most teen dads do But he and I both did alot of growing up throughout the years and though my son and I have not always had his support we made it just fine. My son is 15 years old now and he is incredibly intelligent, he's an amazing teenager, he doesn't get into trouble, he excels in school and his teachers are always telling me what an amazing child he is. There are no words to even describe the phenomenol human being he has turned out to be so when you say the lives of children born to teen parents is over before it began is pure ignorance! My life began when I gave birth to my child! I'm 33 years old now engaged to an amazing man and enjoying a beautiful healthy 13 month old. It took me 14 years to have another child so I guess I don't fit into your statistics of getting pregnant again. Also, My parents and his parents LOVE and ADORE my son and ENJOY being grandparents! I feel sorry for the teens you work with on a daily basis. Instead of helping them you just want to discourage them and make them feel like there is no hope for them in life. You are right, my son didn't deserve to be born to two teen parents who didn't have it together, but i'm so incredibly grateful that I didn't have someone like you in our lives to knock us down.

Jeannie - posted on 08/30/2012

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This young girl is reaching out to all of us for advice. She may be only 16 years old, However. She wants to do what is right by her son. I believe that this site is called Circle of Moms. She is now a mom. She is probably nervous and scared and just wants to get advice from experienced moms. I don't know about anyone else but I wished I had access to a site like this 27 years ago. Because even though I became a mother at age 29 for the first time. I was scared but did not have the wonderful advice she has been given. Age really should not be an issue for her to be able to recieve answers and seek some guidedance. I always thought this site was to help other moms with whatever they need.

Brittany - posted on 08/30/2012

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wow you people are acting like i was trying to get pregnant FYI we used a condom and it BROKE i went to go get an abortion because im young and i heard my sons heartbeat when i went in so i couldnt go threw with it. and yes im 16 but now im considerd a mother, if you are not gonna act mature then i just wont take your bit*hyness to heart

Melissa - posted on 08/30/2012

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Stephanie, she is a M O T H E R! And that is what this site is for! Your aloud on here as a mother and she has every right as well! If you don't feel comfortable go ahead and delete your profile! Sounds like maybe you need to let someone into your pants.....anyways! Brittany, your have been given very good advice on here.you seem to know he is no good, the fact your asking for advice and not stooping to his level like some 40 women I know shows your maturity which I'm sure has grown sooooo much in just this last month alone. I was 22 with my first child, I ended up a single mother of two after my ex developed a drug addiction as well. I made the choice to give him an ultimatum either he is consistent or nothing! He chose nothing. I now have two more children with my new husband. He tells everyone he has 4 children.takes full responsibility of all 4 and lives them all evenly. allowing my ex to be involved in my children's lives would have been toxic to my Children's development. Just know in ten years you will think back on this time as a strengthening time, just make sure you think your decisions through so you won't regret any rash choices you might make out of emotion. Good luck sweetie!

Lacye - posted on 08/30/2012

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Gale I have to disagree on one thing you wrote. She does not have to put up with the father and his mother until the child is 18. She will have to put up with them for the rest of her life. My parents broke up back in the mid 80s and even though all 3 of us kids are grown up and we all have kids of our own (in one case one of us has grandkids!), they still have to put up with each other for birthdays, weddings, baptisms, and any other big event for our children. -Once you have a child with somebody, you are stuck with them. Nothing is going to change that unless one of the parents dies.

Stephanie - posted on 08/30/2012

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I am really going to look into the rules because I don't feel comfortable having children on here. I thought this site was for adults who can relate and help and support each other. Becoming pregnant doesn't make you an adult. State laws do, and I think that is 18.

Gale - posted on 08/30/2012

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Its for moms, and she is now a mom, she has just as much right to be here

Ashley - posted on 08/30/2012

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Dove Sorry if you took offense to it whatever made you write to me. But I was talking to those women that DID scold her. I also told her to not have sex again since you are not spose to for at least 6 weeks after birth and yes that isnt scolding her. So again if you happened to take offense to whatever I wrote I am sorry but it wasnt towards you or anyone else that has actually given her advise.

Rebekah - posted on 08/30/2012

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Please don't take offense - I have been told I can be a bit blunt. It does not sound to me like he wants anything to do with you or your child. I say this because you said that you have to guilt him into coming over to see his own child. Also the fact that he seemingly refuses to do the right thing in standing up to his mother and taking responsibility for the life he helped create. I believe he only wanted you for what you could give him and once you got pregnant...well that wasn't part of the deal in his mind. I hope that, if you don't know it now, then you will in the VERY near future:That you were made for so much more than you are settling for. I feel sad for you because of this situation. I know you still feel like you love him. After all, sex creates a bond, one that most people are totally not ready for. Also, the fact that he is trying to get you to sleep with him every time he comes to see the baby makes me feel that he somehow thinks you owe him because he came over to see HIS son. A few things for you to think about:Do you truly want to keep your baby or are you doing it so that you can hold onto the father? If it is for the latter, that will never work. When you finally settle down with someone, make sure it is a real man who will love you through thick and thin and would never think of walking away from you. Be completely honest with yourself about your motives in regards to why you are keeping your child. This may sound harsh, but if you are doing so for selfish reasons, it is not too late for you to give your child to a family who would love him. Cut off all ties with the father and start a new life. I am not trying to tell you what to do. I just want to give you something to think about. Best wishes to you, Brittany:)

Dove - posted on 08/30/2012

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Ashley, what post are YOU reading? I see one post on page 3 that fits your description and I believe there was one more..... out of the 48 replies that are on here. MOST of the women on here ARE trying to help and have actually given excellent advice. Yes, we've advised her not to have sex again at this time, but not 'scolded' her for doing it in the first place.

Ashley - posted on 08/30/2012

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What ticks me off now is the "women" in here scolding her for having sex and having a baby. Its not right. Get a fricken clue. This is an era where people have sex and babies young. Not waiting til they are too old to even consider having one. Yes she is only 16 but should we yell at her for that? Absolutely NOT. Giver her advise on how to handle the douchbag "father" and tell her tips on how you have dealt with being a parent. But DO NOT scold her. @Brittany, there are real humane women in this board that will be here for you to give you advice and not scold you, me being one of them hun. Chin up and try your best to be the best mother you can be:)

Sarah - posted on 08/30/2012

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I am not going to repeat all the great advice given here, but I am going to add one more thing. You said he is threatening to take your son away? That is all he is doing - threatening. He is too disinterested in being a father to do it. He's being mean and trying to scare you. Don't let him get you down. You deserve better. I don't know how your relationship is with your parents right now, but you should probably tell them what's going on, especially him threatening to take the baby away. You are a mother, but you are still their child and they love you and want to take care of you. Good luck and please take care of yourself!

Gale - posted on 08/30/2012

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Well, your going to have to deal with the daddy and his mommy till your baby hit 18 and chance are even years after. Whether he want to be a dad or not the fact is that he's the father and should be fiancely responsible for your baby, but like the advice before you should file for custody, if you don't trust him in taking your child alone what going to happen once you have dna and he goes for joint custody? If he does that then you have no choice ut to let that happen or have a long ugly battle, it best for you to get that custody done now.



Also I think we all forgot to mention that new born are so hard the sleepless night and the feedings, believe me it does get better and soon you'll be covered is slobby kisses and hugs.

Brittany - posted on 08/30/2012

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its a 10 min drive, and i believe his mother is the cause of all these problems, she keeps putting crap into his head and him being a "mommys boy" listens to it all

Jackie - posted on 08/30/2012

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Why make someone be with u or ur baby if they don't want to. Believe me if they truly want to be there they would do the impossible to be by ur side. He could easily walk ten min to see u or get on his bicycles .. u don't need a man to Support hand ur child

Debi - posted on 08/30/2012

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He sounds mentally challenged. Is he aware of the birth process and what it does to the female body? I'm guessing he's unaware of much of anything. He seems to have a one-track mind. Maybe you should set your standards a little higher for the sake of the baby.

Jackie - posted on 08/30/2012

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Darling - if you are tired of being a single mother - you are in for a long hard run - your baby is not even a month old yet and the baby's daddy does not have it together or he would be around more. For both of you - move on with your life and when he is ready - he will come around or he won't - his loss.

Angela - posted on 08/30/2012

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First off honey- Its hard when the father of your child doesn't want to grow up and wants to try and control a woman by using their child. You are a mother now. Your baby is your number one priority. Don't bother trying to get the baby's father to see him of he doesn't want to. It's his loss of he doesn't want to be in your miracle's life. Don't try to give him a guilt trip- that could have repercussions for your child later in life. Everything is very new. I have just went through the court system in my state for legal custody through a divorce for my child for very similar things u are now concerned about. My suggestion is to use the legal system to your advantage and keep your baby protected. Make him pay for the paternity test if he wasn't on the birth certificate and get full custody. Start talking to him via text message so u can get evidence of the things he is telling you and watch what you say to him. Take pictures of ur text messages so you have the hard proof. It may seem like a hassle to go through the courts for custody and full rights to your child- but it is for the well being for the child and very much worth it. Do not have sex with him. You shouldn't be having sex for 6 weeks after birth. Any kind of relationship with him will only make things more difficult. It sounds hard to be a single mom- it sometimes is.. I am a single mom myself, go to a local university full time and even help raise my very young half siblings. Its a lot to handle. But there isn't anything wrong with it. We have to deal with what life has given us and do what we can. Find a support system other than him to help u when you need. Be strong for your baby and always out the best interest of your child first!

Lin - posted on 08/30/2012

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My God, 28 days old and already problems in this childs life. Unfortuanately , too young to be parents . The best thing is for you to get on and give this child your full attention and tell the father to come back when he is grown up. Thats when his visits are really actually to see his son and not get into your pants as you have put it. By the way birth control is free and readilly available in this country.

Stephanie - posted on 08/30/2012

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Brittany - Right now, he has zero legal rights because he has not established paternity. This means he cannot demand visitation and if you don't want him to pick up your child from daycare, you have that authority. It also means you can't make him financially support your son, which isn't good.



If you establish he is the father with a DNA test and don't get legal custody, no one... not even the police, can do a thing if he takes your son. After a DNA test, he would be on equal legal ground with you because a father has just as many rights as a mother. This is why you must file for custody. I know it's an ordeal that you probably don't want to deal with, but if you don't, there is nothing stopping him (I know this is extreme) from yanking your son from your arms and running off with him.



He has not done anything (that you have mentioned) that would be grounds for a retraining order.

Brandi - posted on 08/30/2012

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Just say no. Your first priority should always be your son. If you did have sex with him it wouldn't make you any less single until he moves out of his parents house. Let him grow a pair first before investing anymore of your body.

Dora - posted on 08/30/2012

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Getting everything straight in court is not to be mean, but just to establish your and your baby's rights and to ensure that he pays his share of support for his child. This could come in handy down the road, what if in a few years he decides he wants nothing to do with the baby or you? You would still have a standing order for him to keep supporting his child and get his paycheck garnished if necessary. Throughout your relationship, he has proven he can't really be trusted, so getting everything legally documented is in your and your son's best interest.



He should be able to see his son on supervised visits if he's not drunk or stoned. You first said that he won't come over unless you "guilt trip" him, so, our advice is to let him do what he wants because you can't force him to come. If he comes, then let him! It's great to have bonding time with his child, but it has to be supervised and he can't be under the influence of alcohol or narcotics. Like other posters, I would definitely not let him take the baby without you, your mother or his mother present.



I don't know how your baby classroom works, but at my child's school, I have to fill out a form to let the school know a list of people who are permitted to pick-up my child. I would inform the teachers of your wishes to not let anyone remove that child out of the classroom except for you or your parents.

Dove - posted on 08/30/2012

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Call the police or a lawyer and ask them what your options are right now. He does have a right to see your son, but your son has a right to be SAFE with his father as well. You may not want the hassle of court, but it really is in the best interest of you and your son to have this all done legally. I don't know where you are, but there should be Legal Aid (might have a different name) that you can call for some advice.



Whoever/where ever you call.... if you get someone who won't listen to you or blows you and your concerns off.... call someone else.



If you get a court order for emergency temporary custody.... the class where your son will be in will not be allowed to let your baby leave with his father. Definitely talk to the teacher about the situation. Since the father isn't even on the birth certificate yet (right?)... he has no legal rights to the baby until he pursues those rights. If he takes YOU to court it might end up getting uglier. You want to prove to the court that you don't want to prevent your son from having a relationship with his father... you just want your son to be safe. The father's drug use can definitely help you, but you need to make sure you get proof of everything.



Document everything the father says and does and start making some calls today.

Brittany - posted on 08/30/2012

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Im trying not to bring it to court, i dont want/ need the hassle of all that. Im trying to get on mainecare so i can get a dna test. If i tell him he cant come over hes gonna try to bring me to court and have full custody. Threw out the pregnancy he only talked to me when he either wanted to get into my pants or if he wanted to get back together with me. I am NOT going to be with him again, i learned that he was lying to me threw out the relationship, how can i keep him away from my son? After hearing that he gets stoned (and drives while he is) and drinks hard liqure i dont want him anywhere near my son or me, should i get a restraining order on him for my son and i? when school starts again my highschool has a baby room for teacher and students who are going to the school and my son will be in that class, but im worried the father will try and go see my son in that room and take him after school. should i tell the teacher who runs it to not let the father in?

Dora - posted on 08/30/2012

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Oh, honey, he is very obviously not interested in being a father or a companion, he only wants sex. You do NOT need to have sex with him just so he will come over. You do NOT need to have sex with him to show him how much you love him. Sex is not a currency. Listen to the postpartum nurse that responded earlier, your body, even if you feel fine, needs time to heal. It has been through quite an ordeal! As far as your boyfriend is concerned, get a paternity test ASAP and establish a court order for child support. You can't force him to want to be a father, he IS still a child himself, and with the drinking and getting stoned, your baby is better off without him, at least for now until he grows up a bit. He DOES, however, need to fulfill his financial responsibilities for making a child, so get that support order so he can see a chunk of his paycheck disappear, as yours will when you get a job. I understand you are "tired of being a single mother", however, (unprotected?) sex was a decision you BOTH made and decisions have consequences. There's a long way to go yet, so keep your chin up. Keep the best interest of your child at the forefront and you can't go wrong. :) Stay strong!

Dove - posted on 08/30/2012

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She is asking for advice and that IS our advice..... What's not to believe? We are trying to HELP her..... Sex is what started this all in the first place, so why would anyone think that it's a good idea to go back to having sex right now? That is what 'I' can't believe.....

Jeannie - posted on 08/30/2012

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A mother is a mother 24/7. Some fathers are only fathers when it is convienent. You will always do what is in best interest of your son. It is no longer about you or the dad, only about your son.

Kelsey - posted on 08/30/2012

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I can't believe that females are telling another female not to get pregnant again and not to have sex.... She is asking for advice, not to be told the she is too young to have another child and not to have sex. If you feel like your ready to have sex again then go right ahead but males think with their penises and he will not change once you've given in to him. Don't reward him for his bad behaviour, yes you may still love and have feelings towards him but don't let him use you for sex when he isn't there for your son and yourself.

Stephanie - posted on 08/30/2012

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Sorry this is so long. I got a little worked up because you are so young and have a very long, hard road ahead. I hope this helps you make the best choices for you and your son.



Like the other moms have already advised, it is too soon after having a baby to have sex with anyone, so shut down that expectation right away. It's your body. You don't owe him anything, so just keep it simple. Tell him you are not ready to have sex, you don't know when you will be and say nothing more. The more you try to justify your decision, the more openings you give him to try and argue with you or pressure you.



When a woman finds out she is pregnant, her life changes immediately and forever. You start caring for that baby right away with vitamins, eating right and doctor visits. You get morning sickness, exhaustion and your pants don't fit. You "feel" like a mom long before the baby is born. For a man, especially one that's not interested in being a father, it's easy to go on with life as usual. It's terribly unfair, but it's true. Now that the baby is here, he could choose to include himself by figuring out his role as the baby's father. He isn't doing that. He is basically trying to pretend everything is still the same. DO NOT allow this. It isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to the baby.



You aren't responsible for trying to "make" anyone be a father. In fact, it's impossible for you to make a boy grow in to a man and a father. The only way that will happen is if he decides it is necessary, so make it necessary for him to act like a father if he wants to be in his childs life. It would be wrong for you to keep the baby from him, but you don't need chase him down either. Don't call, don't send pictures, don't ask him to come over when he calls. If he asks to come over, agree only when you know someone else will be there with you. If he wants to know how the baby is doing, he will call and ask. If he wants a picture, he'll arrange a visit so he can get one himself.



There's only two possible outcomes of this approach. One, he will realize that he has take responsibility if he wants a relationship with his child. He will actually want to establish his paternity and legal visitation rights with his son. Two, he won't step up, he'll stop contacting you. He won't make any real effort to see his son. I realize this sucks and it breaks your heart to think that your son won't have a father in his life, but it's better for you to know now and save your son years of disappointment.



By the way, PLEASE, please, find out what you need to do to establish paternity, legal custody and get an order of support right away. No matter which option the child's father chooses, he still has a financial obligation to your son. Don't forget to include provisions for college tuition or that expense will default to you, as the custodial parent. I know it seems a million years away, but you will be shocked how fast the next 18 years fly by.

Leah - posted on 08/30/2012

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I'm so sorry for you. I am in a similar situation and in my mid 30's. I have moved on (my girls are now 3&4) and found someone who loves me and likes to spend time with my kids more then their dad. You won't be a single mom forever. Good luck sweetie. I'll just say make a visit to planned parenthood if you haven't. Birth control is cheap or free.

Jeannie - posted on 08/30/2012

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Tell him that the doctor said no intercourse for 6 - 8 weeks. Plus that there is a baby to worry and take care of. You are young and need to tell him no and stand your ground. You should not have to force him to visit. I believe you are doing the right thing having a DNA test done and having guidelines for his taking your baby for visits. You are definetly protecting your child.

If you were to have intercourse, you could end up pregnant again. You seem like there is nothing as important as your baby. You will be a great mom. Take good care of your blessing.

Brittany - posted on 08/30/2012

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Im currently trying to get mainecare so i can get a dna test and go after him for child support, I told him he can NOT take our son until he signs paternity and he can only take him when his mother is with him (he still lives with his mom and step-father) so that way i know someone will be around, i also told him if his mother isnt around he can only take our son if im with him so he would have to take both of us (since i know more about our son then he does)

Christina - posted on 08/30/2012

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Being a single mom isn't always easy but you have to be determined and know that you can do it alone if you need to. I was in the same position 10 years ago, my now husband and I had our oldest baby girl at a young age and for a period of time he walked out of our lives but I was determined that I could do it alone and take care of my baby. As far as wanting sex, it hasn't even been 6 weeks and you shouldn't entice him or have to bribe him to come see his child, if he doesn't want to then he is the one missing out. Stand up for yourself and tell him no. Why would you want to give something special like that to someone who doesn't want to take care of their own flesh and blood. Do what's best for your baby and you can't go wrong.

Debb - posted on 08/30/2012

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There are so many wonderful pieces of advice here! Do NOT let him take the baby anywhere, especially if he's not on the birth cert, as he's not legally the father right now. If you want him in yours & your son's life, get him to do the paternity test right away, sign the birth cert, & establish court ordered visitation & child support. On the off chance you DON'T want him involved, ask him to legally sign off his parental rights. I know you said you love him so probably want him involved, but I wanted to remind you of that option. Also, as a post-partim nurse, I feel compelled to tell you it's really too early for you to have intercourse, so tell him to back off. you should wait at least 6wks after birth, unless otherwise directed by your doctor. Your body needs time to recover & heal, even if you feel fine. Best of luck to you & your son! Being a single mom can be exhausting & overwhelming, especially being so young & with a newborn, but it can also be wonderful. Just remember, the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. :)

Zandra - posted on 08/30/2012

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Do not let him take that baby anywhere alone! He already admited to you that he is drinking so that just proves to you right there that he is irresponsible!!

Tonya - posted on 08/30/2012

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I know this is hard since you obviously have feelings for the father...but right now you need time to sort out how you and your son are going to manage in your new life together. The first thing you should do is get a DNA test to establish paternity.



**Don't wait to do this and don't feel ashamed for getting it done.



Once paternity is established, file for child support as the father is obligated by law to care for his child. Both of you should attend (not necessarily together) a parenting class, so that you are both on the same page as to the shared responsibility of caring for your son. Establish a visitation schedule and keep visits about your son and not you and the father relationship. Mixing the two is not good for you and it is not good for your son.



I hope this helps...I pray that all of God's mercy and love enter your life.

Dove - posted on 08/30/2012

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I agree with Gwen and Sharon. He can see the baby as much as he wants (as long as it's with you and someone else), but do NOT let him take that baby anywhere without you until you have a court order for custody and visitation. You do not want to have to be fighting in court to get your baby back.

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