ex partners, current partner, and children + fear

Kelly - posted on 10/06/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I think my partner wants to get back with his ex. he is seeing her for the first time since she left with their baby when he was a few months old. As she was the one who left his heart was not healed, and I believe he still loves her. they are seeing each other this weekend, so far she doesnt know about me, and I have been with his for 5 years now. I have endured so much pain form this man, I know people will think me crazy, but, despite the physical abuse, which hasnt happened for a while (6months) I cant live with out him. What happens if when they meet they rekindle. Am I meant to walk away? I have a child from my previous marriage, and not that he has much to do with my son as my partner has alcohol issues that I dont want my son to be around. And also, she thinks that his alcohol and anger and drug issues are gone, as thats what he told the mediator when he applied to see his son again, after 6 years. I get why she is hesitant, do I have a duty to tell her if I cant even trust him with my son? And before you make comments about why am I with him, I love him, I have invested time and my heart into the slow changes he has made. Though he still has all these issues, and lies, and hasnt got help yet, I have at least got away from certain people... I guess I am lost

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Jodi - posted on 10/06/2012

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"I cant go and see a counselor as it is just not a me thing to do."



Really? Because it is not a *me thing to do*? Right there screams you need to see a counsellor. Just sayin'.



"I can see the pattern with all my relationships I have had, but how do you help who your attracted to? "



You see a counsellor. There is a reason there is a pattern and counselling can help you with that. Don't push it aside because you think it isn't something you *would do*. That's just silly.

Jodi - posted on 10/06/2012

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So your partner is seeing his ex again, has physically abused you (albeit not for at least 6 months), he has alcohol issues, anger and drug issues.....and still has many of these issues despite you trying to change him for 5 years (and him not getting any help), and he is that bad you don't want your own son around him......and you want to keep him?



Can I suggest you go and see a counsellor to sort out your self-esteem issues? Sorry, but this is a no-brainer. you do not have a child with this man, get the fuck out NOW. There are red flags ALL OVER this one. If he had these issues and was at least seeking help for himself and doing all the right things, it may be worth investing more time in, but seriously? You are kidding yourself.

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Lacye - posted on 10/06/2012

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It may not be a "me thing to do" but it's probably going to be something you have to do in order to prevent something like this from happening again. This is something that is not just for your sake, but for your son's as well. If you can't break this pattern, he's going to look at it like, "Well Mom put up with it, so it must be ok to treat women this way". And that's exactly what's going to happen. It's for the best that you and this guy are not together anymore. At least with him doing this, it shows where you stand in his list of priorities. But if you won't go to a counselor, at least try to find somebody else to talk to to help you through this. Whether it's a friend, a family member, a priest or minister or whoever depending on your religion or lack of religion, it will all help you in the end. You need to get some kind of help.

Dove - posted on 10/06/2012

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Jodi has said everything in this post that I would want to say only in a much nicer way.

Kelly - posted on 10/06/2012

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at the moment I am on holidays with my mum for my sons school holidays. We spoke on the phone 2 days ago and everything was fine, though during the call he told me how his little junky mate asked to go to the brothels and he would pay. My partner (now ex) said to him you know I am in a relationship so no. That made me happy to hear, of course... However, as I have let this mate of his in my home and I am so hospitable to him that to hear that he wants my partner to cheat upset me, so I said after a long talk, that got heated, its me or him. Well, last night he chose his mate. So I guess after wasting 5 years of my life which he has financially ruined and emotionally, I was worth nothing to him after all.

Maybe I do have self esteem issues, but I have never told myself that before, and hearing from you guys made me realise maybe I do. I cant go and see a counselor as it is just not a me thing to do.

I got sucked into all the lies of change and promises of a life together.

He has major issues with his self esteem and thats why I was abused in the beginning, But it turns out he is the cheater.

I dont think I can tell his ex, he would kill me if I did and he knew. I dont know her and this is her worst fear, I think I should just leave that be and hope that seeing his son for the first time makes him realise that he has to change. If his ex, mother and me are not worth changing for then maybe his might do the trick.

I know I have to break away from him, but as you may understand, I just love him, he once told me and this is only about 2 weeks ago when we made a drinking plan to help him quit, that I was his soul mate, and he cried and told me how he didnt want to lose me. Yet I ask him to chose me of 5 years who has done everything for him, over a 22 year old that sleeps with 16 years old girls and who is a rotten junky, who he has only been mates with (pot friends) for 2 years.



I can see the pattern with all my relationships I have had, but how do you help who your attracted to?



Thank you for your honest girls, you have made me think and cry, but the pain will heal in time I know. I guess it helps when you see what a stranger thinks. Thank you all

Lacye - posted on 10/06/2012

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Well if he was like this with her, she was smart enough to get the hell out of Dodge before he ended up killing her ass. Which is going to happen to you if you are not careful. Yeah, he quit smacking you around for 6 months, but how often are you looking over your shoulder waiting for him to loose his temper and beat the hell out of you? Or your son? You can give him all the chances in the world but let's face reality here, if he's still acting like this after 5 YEARS, he's not going to change. His ex was damn smart to get the hell away and she more than likely won't be coming back if she stayed smart. Oh yeah, and you do need to introduce yourself to her and let her know that he has not changed at all! With a child involved, you owe her that.

Amy - posted on 10/06/2012

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Well I'm hoping this other mom has more self esteem than you have. If she's smart she won't want him back and is just protecting her son who if I read it right hadn't seen his father in over 6 years. Yup I wouldnt send my kids to see an abusive, alchohalic, drug user on their own either.



If you want to stay in this relationship that's your choice but don't be surprised when your son inherits these traits of your boyfriend. My suggestion is leave, if you don't your going to really be regretting your decision down the road. And Jodi's right find yourself a counselor who can help you build your self esteem up clearly you have none left.

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