Ex "Step-mom" to three kids of 8 yrs.

Elizabeth (Mona) - posted on 04/16/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have been separated for seven months from a man I was with for eight years. When I met him he had a four year old, a nine year old and a 12 year old. The oldest is now 20 and we still chat. The nine year old is 16/17 and we chat now and then and the youngest is 12 and I have been denied communication which I am honoring. My ex has told me not to contact either of the two younger "children" but I still maintain contact with the 16/17 year old. He has told me that I am no longer family and I have no business being a part of their lives. It really hurts that he has done this. I still talk to the older child because he is old enough to decide for himself. I respected his restriction on the 12 year old because technically he is in the courts eyes too young to make that choice (even though he himself still would like to be able to chat with me) and my ex and I have a toddler together so I am trying not to step on toes (sort of). I believe he is doing this out of anger though I also believe he truly does believe I should not have anything to do with them now that we are separated. I feel at a loss with this and I worry I will lose the relationship the 12 year old and I have by the time he is old enough to decide for himself or his dad is not so angry. Just looking for thoughts on the topic of ex's and step children.

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Michelle - posted on 04/16/2016

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It is a hard one.
After how you have described your ex then I would keep the peace and not have contact with the younger child. Hopefully the other 2 will talk about you enough that the younger one will only have good memories of you.
I have never been in this situation as I didn't want to keep in contact with my step Father at all!!!! He was just nasty so I was glad Mum got rid of him. Her 3rd isn't that much better though.

Ev - posted on 04/16/2016

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That makes it twice as hard. I have not been a step mom but I have watched my kids from afar with the two they have had and one is still married to dad. It was not ever a close relationship and she never tried with them. The first step mom completely ignored them too. I never remarried either while they were in school. I can not imagine doing so now. I just hope it works for you in the near future. It is hard enough on the kids without the excess that the parents put on them.

Elizabeth (Mona) - posted on 04/16/2016

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The two older children live with the father 100% of the time but the 12 year old lives mostly with his mom and every second week with the dad. My guess is he'll follow in his siblings foot steps and move in with his dad when he is 15/16 but for now that is his situation. His mom would probably allow me to chat with him, but she lives far enough out that actually seeing him would not happen often if at all. The history there is not a great one.

Our toddler spends 50/50 between us both though i'm not happy about it. He is a very angry person and it worries me how this will effect her. I know she loves him very much though and for now I am leaving it as is. I do have an appointment to get advice from a lawyer about his anger though. He truly needs to go to anger management classes.

Ev - posted on 04/16/2016

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This is a difficult one to give advice on and I have not seen a question like that on here before. You are just going to have to go along with the father's wishes for now it seems. That does not mean you will loose your relationship with the 12 year old. If you still communicate with the middle child maybe you can get messages passed back and forth. What about the child you share with him? Does he see this child all the chances he can get? Your child is a sibling to the others anyhow.

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