Ex-wife and child with no security or affection

Tiffany - posted on 06/30/2016 ( 2 moms have responded )

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So, me and my fiance have been together for some time now, and when we first started dating he told me that he had a son and had been previously married. I had never before dated anyone that had been married before, let alone a child together. I however feel like im in over my head and im about to drown. The exs mom is the one that the child lives with. The whole time that ive been around (a year and a half) ive known the ex to get the child maybe five times. The kicker is, my fiance still talks to her on a regular basis! im more of a parent to their son than she is. Also she recently had another child last year. The surprise there is that my fiance thought that it may have been his at first. Thank God it wasnt, but the baby girls father isnt in the picture and that child stays with the exs mom too. however, my fiances family helps watch her!!!!!! its not even their family! i know theyre just trying to help out the exs mom but for crying out loud, and on top of that my fiance at one point asked me what i thought if he adopted the little girl that isnt even his!!! ive kept her plenty of times and shes a sweet little girl but a person with no ties to the family can only take so much about a previous wife..... And my fiance just seems to keep getting more and more distant. i'm at the end of my rope. but i have so much emotionally and financially invested into this relationship, i don't know that to do any longer.... any advice? helpppp me!

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Ev - posted on 06/30/2016

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{So, me and my fiance have been together for some time now, and when we first started dating he told me that he had a son and had been previously married. I had never before dated anyone that had been married before, let alone a child together. I however feel like im in over my head and im about to drown.}
*****It is hard to be in any relationship but it can be much harder to be in one where the new man or woman in your life has had a previous relationship regardless of being married or not that has produced a child. It is a big step to get into something that is complicated.*****
{{ The exs mom is the one that the child lives with. The whole time that ive been around (a year and a half) ive known the ex to get the child maybe five times.))
*****You have only been around for 1.5 years? In the beginning you said you had been around for some time which to me means more than a couple of years. And the point of knowing the ex coming for the child a few times means what? *****
{{ The kicker is, my fiance still talks to her on a regular basis! im more of a parent to their son than she is.}}
*****Of course your fiancé is going to talk to the mother of his child on a regular basis. It has to do with the child. It does not matter if the mother gets the kid once a year or at all. The parents need to be communicating what goes on with the child so each knows what is what. Just because you feel like you take better care of the child than the mom does has no relevance of his talking to her or not about THEIR child. You have not stated yet how this child has no emotional security or is cared for.*****
{{ Also she recently had another child last year. The surprise there is that my fiance thought that it m
ay have been his at first. Thank God it wasnt, but the baby girls father isnt in the picture and that child stays with the exs mom too.}}
*****So, she had another child. It that any of your worry? No. And your fiancé might have thought it was his child if they had any relations close to conception. It could have been possible. And the child lives with grandma too so what? Your point is not made here really either. The girl is the boy’s sister after all and why not have them raised together?
{{however, my fiances family helps watch her!!!!!! its not even their family! i know theyre just trying to help out the exs mom but for crying out loud,}}
*****That is their choice. The child is the boy’s sis and if the fiance’s family wants to help out they can do so. There is nothing wrong in that. The grandmother probably appreciates that. Your point?*****
{{ and on top of that my fiance at one point asked me what i thought if he adopted the little girl that isnt even his!!!}}
*****Well, he would not in all honestly be able to adopt that child because 1) her father would have to agree to sign his rights away, 2) her mother would have to agree to it too, and 3) he is no relation to the child and has no legal standing anyway. So you do not have to worry about him adopting her.
{{ ive kept her plenty of times and shes a sweet little girl but a person with no ties to the family can only take so much about a previous wife.....}}
*****You took care of the baby. That was good of you. But she does have family ties—the boy is her brother.*****
{{And my fiance just seems to keep getting more and more distant.}}
*****Why is he more distant? Is it because you complain about this whole thing to him because it is not what you wanted to get involved in? He has a child with this woman whose mother is raising. He has every right to be part of that boy’s life. Also, that baby girl is the boy’s sister and has every right to know her brother and be raised by her mother or grandmother. What you think of the situation is not something you have any say about. It is not an ideal situation but that is how it is and if it works to the benefit of the fiancé and the kids so what? **
{{ i'm at the end of my rope. but i have so much emotionally and financially invested into this relationship, i don't know that to do any longer.... any advice? helpppp me!}}
*****You are at the end of your rope? How? Why? Granted you became emotionally and financially involved and you made that choice. No one forced you to do that. It seems to me that there is no point made on the emotional security of this child and how bad he has it. It seems to me that with dad communicating with mom about things, grandma raising him with his sister, and your fiance’s family pitching in to help with the boy and a child that is not related says a lot about the people. They are making an effort for the kids to have a life and relationship together even though how it is being done is not normal. I think the whole thing is about you and what you feel and you do not like that he spends time with his son and the baby so they can be together. You do not like how his family helps out with this too. And you do not like the fact that the mother is in contact with your fiancé—I think you are jealous or insecure.
You have not said one time how this is affecting the boy but how it affects you. I just do not see the child not being secure or emotionally distraught about anything unlike yourself.

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