Ex wife issues, please help!

Katrin - posted on 10/08/2014 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My fiancé and I are getting married in a month. He has 2 children from a previous marriage. His oldest son has allergies and test positive to dogs/cats. Although it isn't severe the dr recommend that they not have any indoor animals. However if they feel the pets outweigh the medical to take the proper precautions and see how it goes. When they got divorced she had the judge put in the decree that said no indoor animals unless other documentation from dr says otherwise. I have 2 small dogs and she has told him that if I move in she will file a contempt. Now mind you we have been isolating the dogs, using heap filters etc. everything the dr told us to do. So far he has had no reactions. During the marriage they had outside dogs, chickens and rabbits which we still have and he is still around. And she is fine with it because they r not in the house. Please help! I can't have my kids animals taken away because she simply doesn't want me moving in. Any advice would b greatly appreciated!

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Sarah - posted on 10/09/2014

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Evelyn is correct, you will benefit greatly from the doctor's opinion. You stated earlier that since it is a legal issue the doctor did not want to change his finding. If he continues to stand by his orders, you can get a second opinion. Also, take some video or photos of the boy when he is having symptoms and make sure they are date and time stamped. That provides objective data, to what he looked and felt liked and when.
It can also help the doctor in his examination.

Ev - posted on 10/09/2014

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I have to agree and the boy should not have to be dragged into this but if you go the route of a change in the custody order, make sure that the boy goes once again to the doctor and explains to his doctor how he is around horses and how he is around the dogs. Tell the doctor about the horse riding trip and what happened after that as well as what happened when the boy came from mom's just recently all miserable and his symptoms and what you did for it. I think that knowing what is going on is going to help but the judge is not going to take her word or his word for it. The judge will want the doctor's findings.

Sarah - posted on 10/09/2014

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I don't think it is a question of "can" but "should" he be called to testify. No matter how he feels at present, this is his mother. Disagreements can grow into lifelong resentments.
Perhaps, a mediation can be set up? Does your fiance and his ex wife both have legal representation? Is there a representative for the child? If he has a CASA rep or even an attorney appointed by the court, that person can take his testimony impartially.
It would probably be best to petition for a change in the custody order and present the evidence to the judge without having the son directly involved. Down the road you don't want him to feel guilty for "turning against" his mom.
Ultimately you want to try to maintain I healthy relationship between the children and their mother.
I hope that answer doesn't make you feel like I don't understand your frustration. I do, and I hope maybe some calm negotiating can work the whole mess out.

Katrin - posted on 10/09/2014

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UPDATE!!!!! His son came home from her house sneezing and watery eyes. I noticed it in the car on the way to our house. I asked him if he had been around dogs and he said no. We got home gave him a Benadryl and he was fine in about 30 minutes and no other symptoms. Her boyfriend is a horse trainer at a local track and lives with her. We took the boys riding a few weekends ago and he was miserable. Sneezing coughing and congested the entire time. He doesn't have this reaction to dog or cat but does to horses. I think her apartment is causing the issue. Her son agreed and said that he gets that way at her house but not ours. He wants to testify in court and asked if he could. We didn't ask him to, he wanted to and said he was tired of all the fighting and doesn't want to lose our dogs, so my question is can a 13 year old testify in court regarding an issue in a divorce decree? Any help would b greatly appreciated! Thanks everyone!

Katrin - posted on 10/08/2014

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Sarah,
You hit the nail on the head. She allows him to have sleep overs at friends houses and relatives houses with indoor pets. However she is determined that my pets not be inside. He is 13 years old and I have a son the same age with allergies. We tell him not to go to the barn and not to love on the outside dogs but he does it anyway. I truly believe it's a control thing with her and the fact that the judicial system will probably side with her because of what the dr has stated. It's unfortunate that they don't see what we see everyday and dealing with her and the harassment we get from her. And the fact that my kids could end up losing her pets just because she wants to be vindictive.

Katrin - posted on 10/08/2014

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Evelyn,
Thanks again for your input. Yes he is very much aware that we will need to handle it in court. She is waiting for us to get married to file the contempt. And he is willing to out fourth the effort to fight this.

Sarah - posted on 10/08/2014

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I was going to comment about grandma and the sitter but I wondered if the whole issued could be cleared by the doctor instead. Does he ever sleep over at grandma's house or the sitter's house. If so, isn't she violating the very order she is trying to enforce? It does seem to be a control issue more than a concern for his health. My kid with allergies is never permitted in my parents barn when we visit. I can imagine this must be frustrating but if there is a court order, your hands are tied. The only option I can think of is try to get your fiance to talk to her?

Ev - posted on 10/08/2014

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Katrin-

Again, I have to say that this may have to go before the judge again and he is going to have to address this issue. There isn't a whole lot you can say about this order and you are not yet married to him, so you are not step mom and even then I am not sure how much say you would have in things. He is going to have to want to do this as bad as you want this done.

Katrin - posted on 10/08/2014

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Sarah,
He just went thru testing again and still tested positive. The ex made sure she told the dr that this is a legal issue and the dr would t touch it. He just said no indoor pets. Her son never has a reaction to the dogs. I have never seen one. But when he gets up in the morning, he is congested, so am I and my son and he goes home to her before school starts. And she immed sends a text that he is wheezing and sneezing. He was not doing that at our house. Now mind you on the weekends that he is there he is out at the barn with the other animals, but she doesn't feel that is what is causing the problems. She says it's only my dogs that are kept in the utility room. It's so frustrating. The key thing here is their divorce was final while we were dating, it was very long and drawn out. She knew I had dogs and made a point to bring that up to the casa during the home visit that the judge mandated. She made a point that my fiancé has been taking her son around dogs and she is concerned about that. Again her mom and babysitter have indoor pets.

Sarah - posted on 10/08/2014

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How long ago was the allergy testing done and the initial advice of no indoor pets? If it has been a few years, then it is reasonable to revisit the doctor and see if he still has the same opinion. Does the boy take allergy medication? What type of reaction does he have?

Ev - posted on 10/08/2014

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Then his father is going to have to take the issue up with her and get it worked out. And she could be making all this drama too but its really up to dad to talk this out with her. All you can do at this point is to voice your concerns on this to him and have him talk to her. It may be it goes back to the judge and gets resolved this way.

Katrin - posted on 10/08/2014

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Evelyn, I completely understand what you are saying about her concerns for her son. I have a son who is allergic to dogs/cats as well and we are treating with meds and is just fine. In all honesty if it was a severe issue where her son had allergic reactions when he was around the dogs then I would b more apt to say yes the dogs need to be rehomed. However her mother who watches her kids has inside dogs and the babysitter has indoor pets as well and she doesn't have a problem with that. Since we have been together I have never seen him have an allergic reaction. And there have been times when she brought them to my home for me to watch him and she knew I had indoor animals. Unfortunately I can't make them outside dogs, I have a mini schnauzer and a chihuahua. Combined they weigh 20 punds.

Ev - posted on 10/08/2014

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This is something that your fiance is going to have to take back to court or work out with the mother of his children to change the decree of their custody arrangement where that is concerned. If she will not budge and the judge does not enforce a change there is not much you can do about it. Can not your dogs become outside animals just as easily as being inside ones? Its not that she is giving issues but she is worried about her own son's health. Its quite common for any mother to be concerned about that. And maybe she is afraid that you guys might not pull through on the doctor's orders in her own mind. I do not know as this is only one side of the story. I do not know the rest of her side of this too. What does the dad say about all this?

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