ex wife manipulative,inconsistent pick up times.

Elizabeth - posted on 12/12/2014 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My husband ex wife has been manipulative since she learned we were together. My husband little by little and mostly helped by me, has placed boundaries and slowed down many things. She still tries to coerce him by threatening to take him to court for more child support. Also, on days when he picks the child from school, the mother is often 1-3 hours late and always claims late work hours or traffic (normally a lie since I have same commute). This is disrupting since he works nights and needs sleep. To complete picture she had always told the child that they were getting back together as husband and wife (although both are married to others), the child heard this from 7-9 yes and when husband readdressed it recently the mother said "she was just joking"... Would u promise a toy to a child and then retract because it was joke???? How can u do this about the one thing small kids want so much.... Mom n dad together??? She's evil....that's all I know. Just venting....frustrated with manipulation games that hurt child and our relationship.

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Ev - posted on 12/12/2014

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Some might take offense at this but it does take a special person to be a step parent. Not all of them are up to the job and do not know how to handle things that are going on within the family. The ex spouse is going to be a part of the package forever because of the kids shared. The new spouse/step parent has to accept this as fact and learn to deal with it the best that they can. Its not about the adults but the best interests of the children all around. When someone becomes a step parent they have to stop long enough and look at the perspective of the kids and what they see going on, they have to try to make some sort of relationship with the kids and make the kids feel wanted while also trying to point out they are not there to take the places of parents. Its a hard road. Its hard for the parents too because of the feelings of worry about the kids with a new person, if the kids will somehow turn against the parents and other things to many to mention here. It takes work and a lot of love to make a blended family of any type to work. And if some of the adults, be it a step parent or the parent, are not up to working things out for the benefits of the kids...its going to hurt the children in the long run. My advice for any person who is contemplating becoming part of a family where they will be a step parent is to really think hard about it, take note of how you treat those kids and the ex, what role you actually play and how much you are able to do with the kids (decision making mostly), and grin and bear it when things do not go the way you see them going. Also, do not make demands on the kids but let them get used to you and work on that, do not expect the kids to adore you over night, do not expect them to have full respect for you because respect has to be earned on both sides not just one (just because you are the adult in the house does not give you automatic respect or anything else along those lines). Just go in with both eyes open and work on making it the best that it can be for you and the kids.

Ev - posted on 12/12/2014

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It is hard for the children. And Wanda is right, just be there to catch them when they are feeling low and make them feel better about it. Be that extra support. I have seen too much of the pawn thing going on with kids before and even with my own two children. My ex and his current wife have been saying nasty things in front of them for years and then my kids finally told me about it. I told them that though it hurt their feelings because it was about me, that their dad and step mom were hurting themselves more by not focusing on the blended family and their marriage while worrying more about me. I think that made my kids think a bit about that while it seemed to encourage them to see me not take it hard and get upset. I did not talk mean about their dad or step mom but I just drew the line at the fact that by worrying about other things that those they needed to focus on it was hurting them more than me. And my kids were not small at this point. One was in the last couple of years of high school and the other was in upper grade school.

Wanda - posted on 12/12/2014

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it sure can be hard to see a child go though things we don't undestand. We wish we could take away all their pain. And it's so hard to understand parents who hurt their children isn't it?

Wanda - posted on 12/12/2014

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That sounds very frustrating.
The one thing I will offer as advice to u would be to never talk about their mom to them in any negative ways. That hurts them. Just offer encouraging words. Stay strong for them. They will learn on their own the ways of their mother. And you can always be there to hear them.

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Elizabeth - posted on 12/12/2014

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Evelyn u very strong and wise. To u and Wanda yes its the pain. I feel so hopeless as the system is not designed to manage of all their developmental needs and individuals such as her know it well. Like ur ex and stepmo. She bad mouths us specially after he's places or reinforces a boundary and always makes it about us being wrong and bad guys (mostly me) and he being a bad father. At times I think she works to get the child turn against her dad. :-(

Elizabeth - posted on 12/12/2014

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Thanks Wanda! Yes I be never said anything negative...just in pain for the child.

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