Ex wives

Jodi - posted on 01/17/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )

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How do you NOT let your husbands ex drive you nuts???? She is very bossy and controlling and is not being truthful to her children which affects us......people tell me to just blow it off....I wish is were that easy....I don't know how to just not let her actions control my behavior!! HELP!!!!!

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Jennie - posted on 01/19/2010

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I was in the same boat when I first married my husband, I bought a book called ex-wives an ex-wives: Survival Guide for the next wife by Paula J. Egner. It really helped put things in perspective for me. One phrase in the book was: Womanly maturism seduces and childish tantrums reduce. Google it or try Barnes and Noble......Good luck with everything and remember it takes a stronger woman sometimes to step aside and let things take their course, when I did that I was consumed with more of my life and not hers.

Paula - posted on 01/19/2010

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Just keep in mind the more pleasant you are the more annoyed she will be. Her bahavior displays her need to hurt everyone because it did not work out the way she wanted. She does not care about the children because she would not with hold them from the father if she did. She is in it hurt someone and does not care who is caught in the cross fire. My suggestion is be pleasant and cordial. Never let her get a rise from you in front of her or the children. She is pumping them for information. She is threatened by you and being replaced. The best is if she can allow you to co-parent with your husband and her but that is not what is going on currently for you.

La - posted on 01/19/2010

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I have tried to communicate with my fiance's ex a few times and have been shot down everytime. It has been 2.5 years that he and I have been together, and she has made it perfectly clear that she has no interest in playing nice with either one of us....it's really sad because they have 2 children together and she puts her own negative feelings before the feelings of her kids in this situation. She has not made things easy and even though I find NO redeeming qualities about her I would still be cordial if she made the attempt to play nice. I have not figured out how to not be annoyed and irked by her in general though.

Kellie - posted on 01/18/2010

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Well, you probably aren't going to like this but you need to put the child ahead of your anxiety and frustration. The more easy going you are the happier the child will be and the more your husband will rely on you for support. Whatever you do do not criticize the mother, disagree in front of the child or fuss to your husband that he needs to "do something about it." My parents divorced when I was 12 and my dad remarried when I was 16. I lived with them and although it was not easy for us my stepmother was very wise in knowing her "place." She never tried to parent me but she always supported me and did things a mother would do. Discipline was left up to my father and she and my mother had a very peaceful and respectful relationship. Because you are not the biological parent the best you can do is support what your husband wants to do and leave it at that. Trust me your husband and his child will thank you for it and find you as a source of comfort when things with the ex get rocky.

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It's called Parental Alienation, google it and get informed. BM's who do this will never change as they are often narcisistic and psychiopaths. There is no treatment for either condition, so know that this is the way it will be until death us do part, or you walk away. It's imperative that you keep records of everything and you and hubby stand as a united front, not allowing one trick to get past you. The kids are so badly affected by the time they get to adulthood that they will need decades of therapy to undo the mental brain washing.

Deborah - posted on 01/21/2010

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I'm on an awesome site steptalk.org, check it out. They are very helpful!

Jodi - posted on 01/21/2010

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Thank you all for your wise words!!! I will use them and try all your suggestions..you all really hit it on the head! Thanks again...I really needed to hear I'm not alone or wrong!

Jodi - posted on 01/18/2010

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I am not allowed to talk to her....she has "forbidden" since in her mind only her and my husband knows whats best for their kids...I am just a step parent....I'm trying to get my husband to talk to her but when he voices his opinions she refuses to let their son come over!!!

Kristy - posted on 01/17/2010

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oh my gosh girl, we're so in the same boat...!! My boyfriend is actually in the middle of his divorce... and by in the middle I mean he JUST signed papers this past wednesday! It's so hard to figure out!! She knows about me, and its not what she does to me that makes me insane, but she's using their son to her advantage! She refuses to let him see their son, Michael, and it KILLS me.. it makes him so mad. And it's not so easy to just blow it off. All I can tell you is to take it day by day. and try to stay on the best terms as possible. Rachel (ex wife) and I are on really good terms... except when it comes down to her not letting us see Michael... being on good terms with the exwife is really the greatest advice I have... Idk what else to tell you! Every situation is different... I hope it all works out!! Feel free to msg me about it... if you'd like to talk more about it! =]

[deleted account]

Are you able to speak to this woman privately in a conversation? Meet at a local Starbucks and try to come to some resolution? What makes you boiling mad now will become toxic later on, and while it may be uncomfortable to sit in a space with her to hash out your feelings, it is worth a shot. Mother to mother, woman to woman. Contact her and ask her to meet with you so you can discuss a few things. If she is not willing to meet, then your husband needs to be man enough to intervene.

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