Exhausted, fed up, out of hope!

Jordan - posted on 09/17/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I'm ready to kick my son out...scared for my life of his reaction. Should I? Shouldn't I? Ruining my life. Im exhausted. He has dropped out of school. Outbursts of anger have me walking on eggshells for the past few years. He uses Marijuana on a daily basis. (yes he is an addict). He thinks he is always right, he seems delusional and is unbelievably unruly!!!!! It is all affecting my marriage and his little brother at a rapid pace!!!!!

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/19/2013

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Draw up a contract with conditions for his continued use of your home as his living arrangements. Include appropriate amounts for room & board, and clear expectations of when and how you are to be paid each month.

Then, you have basis for breach of contract when he doesn't pay, and can have him evicted.

As an addiction counselor, you should understand that his "addiction" is not physical, it is psychological. Make one of your conditions no drug use. Trust me, a stoner isn't going to go postal. If he does, it's not weed he's addicted to, its something else.

Get him to sign the contract, and tell him that if he doesn't he's out. And if he breaches it, he's out. If he doesn't like it, tough noogies.

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Missy - posted on 09/19/2013

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I am so sorry that with such an extensive background and all the work you have put in, you are still having so much problem. You've done what you should have.

I still would talk with an attorney. One of our friends was shocked when, as a part of his daughter's sentence for drug usage (and she was over 20), the judge ruled that she had parents and that she would have to live with them. Apparently, in our state, you can not kick someone out of their living area (even if it is your house) without due process of law and the judge can decide that their living area should be your house.

So I would follow due process, but I totally agree with getting him out of your house and cutting off any monetary support. That doesn't mean you don't love him, but change the locks and put a good security system on your house.

If you are concerned (and it sounds like you are) about how he will respond, I would talk to the local police. Only you can decide how quick and clean this break should be. It can be as clean as having his things bundled up and outside with a local friendly police officer to ensure that he goes plus a letter outlining what you will not be paying for in the future, but that you do still love him. Your attorney can help advise if you need to provide him with another living place for 2 weeks to a month (like renting a place somewhere on the other side of town). If you are paying for his vehicle or insurance, be sure to cut all of that off so that you don't incur the bills or lose your credit rating. You may have to talk with the bank about all of that. I would not provide him cash in any form. Both verbally and in the letter, I would tell him:
- that I still love him
- that when he is off drugs completely, has held a job for 6 months, and has control of his temper and actions, you would love to invite him into your life again for social interactions, but never again for money
- what arrangements you have made regarding living (if he chooses to live there), anything that you are currently paying for, but won't be in the future (phone, insurance, car, etc.) and future help if any (someone he can talk to about his problems, but no money will cross hands - could be the attorney or a good male friend of yours and his)
- if he gets depressed - what resources exist
etc. - all the things you would advise someone to have put together for this. I'd put it in writing because he won't hear it when you tell him and you don't want to prolong the conversation anyway.

You've given him every chance to learn the easy way. Some kids take the tough route (but they often still turn out ok by about age 30).

Jordan - posted on 09/18/2013

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Part of my frustration has been with the "medical professionals" they have dismissed time and time again. Our insurance does not cover any counselling or treatment. He is 19 so he cannot be forced to go. I am a social worker by trade as well as a an addiction counsellor (go figure) it just becomes so different when it is your own child! The line between enabling and unconditional love, tough love have become very very fine. Thank you so much for your response, it is so nice to get feedback from those not emotionally involved.

Missy - posted on 09/17/2013

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If he is underage, you do have the right to send him to treatment (if you have insurance that will cover that) for addiction, anger management, and the delusional behavior, etc. He won't want to go.

I would talk with a mental health professional about what to do since he is using an illegal substance, is underage (I would guess), and is having out of control outbursts. You and he probably need counseling to know how to manage what is going on with him. I would also speak with an attorney. The attorney can help you know what your options are regarding his behavior.

He needs a plan to help him get in control of his life, but right now - he is controlling your life vs. the other way around. The daily use of marijuana and outbursts of anger that have him in control vs. you are clearly illegal (marijuana) and inappropriate.

BTW - a child who has dropped out of school should also be working and paying you rent, doing their own share of the housework, food prep, etc. He's getting money from somewhere to buy the marijuana. He can put that money toward supporting himself. I'm sure the mental health professional will include that as part of his plan.

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