Expecting a baby but need advice about the father (long story)

Jessica - posted on 03/02/2016 ( 1 mom has responded )




Okay well, I'm new here and I've been struggling with advice. Heres the story... I got pregnant really early in our relationship. We were both really excited about starting a family. Everything was good and happy until my hormones just went everywhere. About 4 months later, me being 4 months pregnant, I thought we were okay in the relationship but at times I would really question him about being happy. He would always say yes but my gut instinct would feel otherwise. Anyway, I found out he was talking to someone at his work and he basically left me for her with no hesitation. Few weeks after, he would text and tell us he loved me and baby. He would call and I would just ignore it, and even if I did answer he would end up talking about us and wanted to eventually work things out between up. I just needed space and space is what I gave us while he was in a relationship with her. After a while, he started making the assumption that the child wasn't his, I don't know why but he wanted a paternity test. Anyway a couple weeks after that, I'm guessing his new relationship didn't work out and a couple weeks after that he texted me asking if he could see us. Me being 6 months I agreed because well he was the father of my child, he should experience the pregnancy even if he abandoned us. He came, stayed about two days, while staying he explained how sorry he was, he shouldn't have left us and he wanted to be a family. He wanted to be in his daughters life, and he wanted to slowly but surely create a relationship with me again. After those two nights, he went to work and disappeared. No text, no calls for a week and texted me again. Him playing with my feelings and emotions just wasn't cooperating with me. We texted and all I wanted was answers and what his intentions are between us. He explained how he wasn't disappearing on us, he wasn't lying about the things he said and he wanted a family. He wasn't talking to any girls or doing anything wrong, he is just "working on himself" and he admitted hes scared to be a father. I just wanted a simple text or call at the end of everyday, just to know he was serious about a relationship and a family. He came over that night and we get along fine like nothing ever happened between us. He talked to the baby and felt her kicks. But I do feel as if he gets overwhelmed with the feeling of her presence. He left the next day and he actually texted me through the day until it 7pm at night. Next day he texted me as well, asking about her but still stopped texting before 7pm. Didn't hear from him for a couple days then we talked about this whole "us" thing again and the same "I'm working on myself" thing came up. I was already getting use to him again and praying we would work things out before our daughter came into this world. But I just felt as if he wasn't even ready to be a father. As if he was just playing with my emotions... I got tired of the repeat, put my foot down and he just told me I needed to calm down, I was overreacting. I told him that if he meant what he says, I would have seen it in his actions already. He would make time for me and our unborn child and build a relationship. It didn't make sense to me that he came back and instead of trying because of what he put me through, he just put it off like it was nothing and is "doing him" or in his words "working on himself." Anyway, our last text was simple and short, he asked what I wanted. I asked what he wanted, all he said was to have a family, I told him working on yourself isn't a family, so a family isn't what you want. He said it was. I texted he never replied. Retexted, no reply and I was done... Done with the fact I didn't know what he wanted and clearly he didn't either, or maybe he did, he just is dumb enough to not make the effort with someone who would always be here. Its been three weeks and we haven't texted or talked or anything. My daughter will be here in about 6-10 weeks or so... My questions are, should I make the effort to tell him whenever I go into labor? Should I put him on the birth certificate? Is he scared to be a dad? Is he just taking this time to basically ho around or do what he wants before he gets stuck with a family? He hasn't bought anything for her, he doesn't seem interested in her at all, he just seems scared, like his life is just gonna fade away. I just don't know what to do. He basically abandoned me while pregnant, and I work, go to school, sleep when I can and buy things for her with the money I work my ass off for and trust me, my income is not much. Should I give her my last name or his? I just don't want to feel like the bad person. As much as he did so many wrong things to me, I still feel like a worst person. I just need so advice, especially everyday getting closer to her birth. Id really appreciate it. Thanks


Sarah - posted on 03/02/2016




Wow, that was a lot to read! To answer your questions: If you want him in the delivery room with you, then yes you should call him when you go into labor. Otherwise, you can call him after she arrives so he can come and see her. You absolutely, should but his name on the birth certificate. To leave him off will only make things complicated down the road. If you are not planning on marrying him, you can give the baby your surname or his, that's up to you. As far as what he wants or what he will do in the future, I can't help you. He may be very nervous about parenting and come around once she arrives. Either way, file for child support and a custody arrangement when she is born. Don't just make a causal arrangement with him. He is obligated, as are you to provide for the baby, and child support is her right. If you are breastfeeding then the baby won't be able to stay with him overnight until she is older, but he can come and see her and spend time alone with her. Get that settled in court, it doesn't have to be huge battle. If the two of you can negotiate an arrangement that works for both of you and the baby, then you just present it to the judge and he signs it making a legal order. Do not marry this man for the sake of the baby. Maybe it will work out but if it not, you want to work towards parenting together.

1 Comment

View replies by

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms